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#301 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 07:55 AM
 
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By the time the 6 month old is 18, our local PUBLIC, STATE University is estimated to cost $250,000...on the conservative end.

He said he's getting used to the "Deer in the Headlights" look.: [/QUOTE]

Yikes. Gotta hope there's still financial aid in 2025.
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#302 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 11:24 AM
 
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Well, in all honesty what I see happening is that people will say "to hell with that, I can make more money selling auto parts" and stop going to college, and eventually college costs will drift down.

It's really odd how expensive everything has gotten. When my grandparents were young and raising families, it was exciting for them to think about the things their children (my parents) had that they hadn't. Odd to think that it would go backwards in the next generation.

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#303 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 04:27 PM
 
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Hi!

Can I join?
3 yo dd one and only. She is starting Preschool this week.

More later if you'll have me!:
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#304 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 04:33 PM
 
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Welcome, RufusBeans!
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#305 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 04:41 PM
 
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Well, in all honesty what I see happening is that people will say "to hell with that, I can make more money selling auto parts" and stop going to college, and eventually college costs will drift down.

It's really odd how expensive everything has gotten. When my grandparents were young and raising families, it was exciting for them to think about the things their children (my parents) had that they hadn't. Odd to think that it would go backwards in the next generation.
Crazy to think about, isn't it. He says it's more about inflation...that the cost will be relative to what other things cost. I mean, 10 years ago I used to freak out when gas started costing $1.00 a gallon! DH often asks people what they paid for their first car. etc...

It's something to think about, as our goal is to be able to pay for her undergraduate education.

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Hi!

Can I join?
3 yo dd one and only. She is starting Preschool this week.

More later if you'll have me!:
Welcome! Please share (when you can) how the starting of pre-school goes. I'm always interested in these stories, as we begin to think about what to do with our DD. She's just 16 months, but I'm new to all of this and like to learn about all the options.

Has anyone had experiences with Montessori? I've been reading that Forum and find it intruiging.
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#306 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 04:42 PM
 
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Dh, dd, and I were at a wedding last night and ran into an old friend from college. We were chatting about dd to her and mentioned that she's a planned only. Friend (who was an only) said, "Don't let anyone tell you that she "needs" siblings. I had a wonderful childhood and I wouldn't have had it any other way."

Question: What is your response when people ask you, "Is s/he your first?"
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#307 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 05:26 PM
 
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Question: What is your response when people ask you, "Is s/he your first?"

"First and last!"
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#308 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 07:47 PM
 
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I just say "yes" when people ask if she's my first.

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#309 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 08:38 PM
 
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I am just having one of those days where having a kid is itself the most ingenious form of birth control ever devised. How do people deal with the whining and constant getting into trouble with more than one? :
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#310 of 1646 Old 08-26-2007, 10:26 PM
 
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I just say "yes" when people ask if she's my first.
I often am asked if she's my only child, and I always reply, "Yes, she's my one and only!"
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#311 of 1646 Old 08-27-2007, 02:42 PM
 
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Hi everyone, I was directed here by caspiansmom from another onlies thread. My dd is 16 and although we were open to more kids, we've been very happy with just the three of us.
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#312 of 1646 Old 08-27-2007, 04:06 PM
 
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It's really odd how expensive everything has gotten. When my grandparents were young and raising families, it was exciting for them to think about the things their children (my parents) had that they hadn't. Odd to think that it would go backwards in the next generation.
Well, you know, one of the causes of that is population growth: When demand goes up and supply (the amount of the resource available) is constant, the price can go up. Things other than population growth increase demand, but it definitely is one factor. And then there's the fact that things can't just keep growing forever: If each generation has more than the last, eventually there's not much new stuff left to get, and supplies of some things are dwindling because they were used so freely by previous generations.

BUT:
Not everything is more expensive than it used to be. Look at a Sears catalog, say, from 25 or 30 years ago. Telephones are way less expensive. So are digital clocks. Computers cost about the same for thousands of times more computing power! That's if you compare dollar for dollar; if you think about inflation, today's prices for electronics are even more amazing.

And that's something to acknowledge when you think about what your kids will have that you didn't: amazing technology!! I mean, it has its downsides, but overall it adds a lot of convenience and interesting stuff to our daily lives.

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And she has 3 other children, and you're all right. This woman is WRECKED and has scars that can not be healed and having those other kids doesn't change that.
My childhood best friend's teenaged sister was killed in a car accident when we were 4. Her parents, especially her mother, were devastated. It took them about 10 years to seem even moderately recovered. That meant that my friend's whole childhood was shadowed by her parents' sadness, in addition to her own grief at the loss of her adored big sister. I went to see her parents when I was visiting mine a few months ago, and I think that NOW they're much happier having another child still alive, having grandchildren, etc...but when she was a child it was hard for them to grieve and care for her simultaneously, and when she was a teenager she was very conscious of pressure to be just like her sister and do everything her sister would have done, which led to some serious rebellion and a rocky relationship with her mom for a while there.

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#313 of 1646 Old 08-28-2007, 02:40 AM
 
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Welcomes to everyone! I've got to run over and cast my vote for an onlies forum.

RufusBeans, do you have diabetes? There's a ribbon in your siggie.

Regarding onlies by choice versus medical necessity:
I have Type 1 diabetes and it would be challenging to have another child. But I could have one. But no, I don't feel annoyed by those who could easily have another child but choose not to do so. I feel happy for them. I think that people should not feel that they NEED to have more children to satisfy some sort of social norm. I'd love a world where children are dearly wanted, not made because of pressure from the in-laws! : I also completely support people who choose NOT to have children. More power to them! Better for the environment...better to not make new people just because you feel you "have to".

I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh!

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#314 of 1646 Old 08-29-2007, 11:29 AM
 
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This is a bit OT, but you guys know me here, and I posted in the prenancy loss forum, and no one seemed to care, so, I'm posting here...I don't know. A big ramble.

Condensed version. Found out Sat. I'm pregnant. Somehow, even with bc, I'm pregnant. Suspected for a few weeks. Dig. test confirmed it. Not good news. Very bad news, in fact. DH and I didn't know what we were going to do. Started bleeding, cramping, etc. went to doc Mon. morning. Did the beta hcg. Doc says numbers are so low I was "never pregnant" (which is not true, and has me pissed off...symptoms, pos. test (who ever gets a false positive???)...

Anyway, I know I miscarried, and we didn't want the baby, but I'm so upset, and I feel so guilty because we didn't want another baby, and I was so selfish, and I feel even worse because there's this sense of relief at the same time. And I feel so guilty about that. Please tell me someone else has gone through something like this...the sense of relief or whatever that we didn't have to make a decision...and that it doesn't make me a horrible person...I keep breaking down for no reason at all...
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#315 of 1646 Old 08-29-2007, 01:32 PM
 
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I bet I'd feel just the same way if that happened to me! I think your feelings are very understandable and probably intensified by the hormonal disruption. With so much of society saying you "just have to" have at least two children, of course you feel guilty and selfish at times, even as you know what's really best for you. You are not a horrible person!

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#316 of 1646 Old 08-29-2007, 02:34 PM
 
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First of all, lots of , katheek77!

I can imagine I'd feel similarly in this position. And I will tell you that I do have daymares about finding myself in this situation (just ask my husband, who's a little lonely these days ). YOU ARE NOT a horrible person! And being honest about your family not wanting to add another child doesn't make your family selfish, IMHO. I'm not sure why us mamas of onlies get saddled with the double burdens of feeling selfish and guilty for knowing we want only one child, but we all struggle with it!

As EnviroBecca replied, your hormones are likely in a swirl right now. Miscarriage is still a loss, even if the pregnancy wasn't wanted. So complicated!! If you can, think positively about feeling relieved that you didn't have to make a decision--try to take comfort that nature made it for you.

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#317 of 1646 Old 08-29-2007, 03:34 PM
 
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It's completely normal and okay to feel the way you're feeling right now. There is nothing selfish about it. I remember DH saying, before the big V, that if we accidentally got pregnant with #2 he'd welcome the baby with open arms, but that he absolutely did not want a second child. It's not contradictory, it's being honest about how you're feeling. Just because you didn't want a second child doesn't mean you don't have the right to grieve this miscarriage, nor does it mean you're a terrible person for not wanting that second child.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.
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#318 of 1646 Old 08-29-2007, 03:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post
This is a bit OT, but you guys know me here, and I posted in the prenancy loss forum, and no one seemed to care, so, I'm posting here...I don't know. A big ramble.

Condensed version. Found out Sat. I'm pregnant. Somehow, even with bc, I'm pregnant. Suspected for a few weeks. Dig. test confirmed it. Not good news. Very bad news, in fact. DH and I didn't know what we were going to do. Started bleeding, cramping, etc. went to doc Mon. morning. Did the beta hcg. Doc says numbers are so low I was "never pregnant" (which is not true, and has me pissed off...symptoms, pos. test (who ever gets a false positive???)...

Anyway, I know I miscarried, and we didn't want the baby, but I'm so upset, and I feel so guilty because we didn't want another baby, and I was so selfish, and I feel even worse because there's this sense of relief at the same time. And I feel so guilty about that. Please tell me someone else has gone through something like this...the sense of relief or whatever that we didn't have to make a decision...and that it doesn't make me a horrible person...I keep breaking down for no reason at all...
Having just read your other post, I'm sure you were pregnant. The technology of pregnancy tests has advanced to the point of detecting pregnancy very, very early. In the past, women would have chalked it up to a heavy/bad period. But, you *knew* you were pregnant AND had a sensitive test confirm this. And, yes hcg levels fall rapidly.

You have every right to feel all these things. Let yourself flow through each one and experience it. I'm sure many women here, have been through similar.....

Guilt=you did something wrong. You did nothing wrong...your body and mind are just figuring out how to work through this. It's a process.

Your last sentences remind me of something. I went through counseling for guilt and grief issues with the passing of my father. He was so important to me and I never got to say goodbye, due to his sudden death. Yet, I felt relief at not having to go through a long hospital stay. Or worse. How could I feel relief? Why didn't I do anything when I thought he might be sick? Lots and lots of "what ifs."

The counseling helped me learn about the grief process. It will happen at it's own pace for you. As I said, go through it. Embrace the difficult feelings. Talk with your partner about yours and his feelings. Get inside your car and scream for 2 minutes....whatever works for you.

Please keep updating and writing out your feelings. PM me if you need.

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#319 of 1646 Old 08-29-2007, 04:27 PM
 
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Kathee, when I was 19 I had an unwanted, unplanned pregnancy and laid in bed one night wishing for a miscarriage- sure enough, at a 12 week u/s it was shown that the baby stopped developing at 9 wks. I felt a bit guilty, like I had willed it to be so, but at the time I really was relieved. Now looking back, I feel strongly that baby was a boy and sometimes wish I could have had that baby AND my dd. So it's weird how feelings change over time. but one way or another, the choice was made for us. I had a second miscarriage years later of a baby that I REALLY wanted, and I was devastated, much different feeling.


Most often I feel dd will be an only, but once in a while the thought creeps in that I'd like to adopt in 5-10 yrs. I've read books and so forth on adoption but I'm just not sure about really wanting to make the sacrifice to have another child- I WANT to go back to work and get my life back on track. When dd was born with special needs it sort of threw a huge monkey wrench in our "plans" and after two years, I finally feel like I have my mental and emotional health back to normal, mostly. Now I want to work towards those original goals of buying a house, restarting my career, possibly going to school again.... I think I need to on top of all that if I decided to have another child, rather than just having/adopting another and then trying to do it all.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#320 of 1646 Old 08-29-2007, 07:57 PM
 
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First of all, lots of , katheek77!

I can imagine I'd feel similarly in this position. And I will tell you that I do have daymares about finding myself in this situation (just ask my husband, who's a little lonely these days ). YOU ARE NOT a horrible person! And being honest about your family not wanting to add another child doesn't make your family selfish, IMHO. I'm not sure why us mamas of onlies get saddled with the double burdens of feeling selfish and guilty for knowing we want only one child, but we all struggle with it!

As EnviroBecca replied, your hormones are likely in a swirl right now. Miscarriage is still a loss, even if the pregnancy wasn't wanted. So complicated!! If you can, think positively about feeling relieved that you didn't have to make a decision--try to take comfort that nature made it for you.
That's what I was going to say. Big Hugs to you, Katheek77. With things as huge as life and death, I don't think we can ever have "pure" unmuddled feelings. And, FWIW, I too would have felt the same way. Exactly the same, no doubt about it.
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#321 of 1646 Old 08-30-2007, 08:46 AM
 
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Katheek77, just wanted to wish you peace. I can't say that I can imagine how you feel, but I can guess that in the same situation, I'd have similar conflicted feelings. Go easy on yourself!
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#322 of 1646 Old 08-30-2007, 09:56 AM
 
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Haven't had a chance to read through the entire thread yet, but just wanted to say "hi!" DH and I were just blessed withour first DC, our son Lennox. We are really leaning towards an only, but I'm a bit scared of the stereotypes. But, we waited a long time to have him (by choice) and I really feel like one just fits into our lives the best. Plus, since I'm already 36, I don't want to push my bio-luck. So, I'm really looking forward to seeing what everyone has to say, and getting to know you better.
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#323 of 1646 Old 08-30-2007, 10:03 AM
 
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Welcome, jessma! Most of the stereotypes have been proven to be just that, stereotypes.
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#324 of 1646 Old 09-02-2007, 12:48 PM
 
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I just saw an add on TV for some form of female sterilization. It is permanent and takes a few months to work. Apparently, they go through the vaginal canal, so there is no incision.

www.essure.com

It looks kind-of creepy to me. I wonder what the side-effects would be of blocking the fallopian tubes? Oh well, I would definitely have to do a lot of research on this one. But, I thought of it when you posted.

I just found this tribe and I am responding to this post before I forget. When I am done reading I'll give a full intro.

Anyway, I had this procedure done at the beginning of April and got the all clear in July. The non-surgical aspect was what was appealling to me. I had twilight anesthesia (not by choice) for the procedure, so I don't remember anything about it. I went in at 7 am and was walking out the door at 9:15 am. I was back at work the next day with minimal cramps. If anyone has more specific questions, I'll be more than happy to answer them.

I chose to be sterilized because I am the one who doesn't want anymore children. Dh supports my choice and reasons for it, but I know he would like more children. I thought that just in case I was no longer in the picture (death or divorce) dh could still have children with someone else. If he was no longer in the picture, I would still not want any more children.

Off to finish reading the rest of the thread, and then I'll be back to share my joys and doubts about having an only.
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#325 of 1646 Old 09-02-2007, 01:33 PM
 
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First I want to give {{hugs}} to Katheek77!!

So I have a dd who will be 5 in just three short weeks and started Kindergarten this past week. I was a bit sad knowing I would never go through a first day of K again, but yet happy for this next stage of life with my dd.

Dd is an only mostly by choice. I had difficulty getting pg with her and we did try briefly when she was around 2, but I think it was due more to the societal pressure of having more than one more than the desire to have another. We obviously weren't successful TTC another and I was actually relieved by that, so that's when I knew I was done having children. As noted in my previous post, I made it permanent earlier this year and have not a single regret about it.

I realized a long time ago that I was not cut out to be a SAHM, but agreed to do so because we felt it was best for dd. I went back to work PT last year while dd was in preschool and just started FT this year since she is in all day K. I have been so happy being back at work and I think it has made me a better mom. I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.

Most of my family seems to be pretty understanding about dd being an only, so that has helped. My mom is finally getting used to the idea, but she struggles with it because the two onlies she knows that are now adults (her neice and her partner's son) are both a mess. However, I think that is also due to their upbringings and not due to the fact they are onlies.

Glad to have found this tribe and will have to remember to check in on it. Dd and I are off to our town's carnival.
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#326 of 1646 Old 09-03-2007, 04:22 AM
 
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Ooh, I'm also joining! (and subbing)

I haven't read much yet either, but here's my situation. I'm 20 yo with a 16mo and I've been single since just after I got pregnant.

Now I love my life, love my son, and honestly can't imagine having two small children at once. And the baby-obsession I used to have before I had ds is completely gone now. I would much rather spend time with him than anyone else's baby!

BUT, I do want to have another child in about ten years. This is a wild guess, but I figure I'll meet the love of my life someday and I will probably want another child. And I'd still be young enough that I'd have the house to myself when I'm 55 or whatever. So my son is going to be an only for quite a long time, but eventually I want to do this whole crazy thing again Probably. hehe

I can't wait to read more!
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#327 of 1646 Old 09-04-2007, 01:44 PM
 
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Tiffany, I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.

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#328 of 1646 Old 09-04-2007, 02:31 PM
 
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I chose to be sterilized because I am the one who doesn't want anymore children.
That makes a lot of sense to me. I'm glad you were able to find a non-surgical procedure for it.

Quote:
I don't think I could handle being a SAHM again if I had another child, yet I don't think I could handle the guilt of not providing the same start to another child's life that I gave to dd.
Yeah, I can understand that, too.

Quote:
I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.
That makes me happy--since it's also a possibility for our family.

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#329 of 1646 Old 09-04-2007, 04:13 PM
 
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Oh, also, Savannah Grace was born on my wedding day. Wonderful day!

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#330 of 1646 Old 09-04-2007, 08:58 PM
 
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Tiffany, I've seen a few moms around the boards who have "two onlies" i.e. kids born >10 years apart. I have known a few families like that myself and get the impression that the kids get almost all the advantages of being an only plus some of the benefits of having a sibling.
I'm one of those--my brother is 9 years younger than I am. I think of myself more as an only since I was one for so long. My brother and I were not especially close growing up--I left for college when he was 9, so I missed most of his growing up. I don't know if I'd say we're close now--we don't fight, but we don't really talk a lot either. He lives a few hours away, and we see each other several times a year. We've actually gotten closer since my son was born.
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Child , Sibling Issues In Foster Care And Adoption A Bulletin For Professionals , Sibling Stories Reflections On Life With A Brother Or Sister On The Autism Spectrum

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