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Old 10-07-2007, 06:29 PM
 
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Old 10-07-2007, 06:35 PM
 
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Old 10-07-2007, 06:38 PM
 
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Old 10-07-2007, 06:45 PM
 
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Old 10-07-2007, 06:45 PM
 
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Ooh, I want to join. We have an only child - our wonderful 2.5 year old daugther. Honestly, I wanted a lot more. But, we believe that God has a unique plan for us. We can't have anymore - barring a miracle due to a testicular torsion my husband had about a year ago. One day we may adopt, but for now, that is a far way away.

I do get the vibe a lot that having an only child makes you "less of" a parent or family. It stinks, but honestly, you do have a lot more freedom than families with more kids. Its easier to travel (which we do a lot of), easier to stay out late, and so much more. Though I think we will adopt one day, my mind has wrapped aroudn the thought that my daughter is an only child, and I am okay with that. (Most of the time!)
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Old 10-07-2007, 11:46 PM
 
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We are getting the pressure already to have another one and someone called me selfish for not having another one.
hmm... that's strange. what if you were to just keep having as many kids as you have eggs, despite the toll it would take on the environment? that sounds a whole lot more selfish to me. and what about having another kid just to keep your dc company or just because you want a child of a different gender, especially if you don't have the emotional / financial / etc resources to raise a second child? again, that (to me) is the height of selfishness. :

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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Old 10-07-2007, 11:47 PM
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We have been blessed to have our 3 1/2 year old DS but conceiving more children are not in the cards for us.

I hoped to find others who are in the same boat.

There is so much outside pressure to adopt, try every drug under the sun, and . DH and I are at the point where we know only one is all we are to have.

Those of you with one know what I mean. I also find sometimes the issues that we face are a little different than those with 2 or more children. A child who does not have to share toys regularly with a sibling, who does not have to share attention of mom and dad with anyone else, and the concerns of making sure they are not overly spoiled .

I find it hard when sharing to parents of multiple children. So I'd like to connect with some in my same boat.
We LOVE having one child.

For one thing, here's something no ethical parent of multiple children can say to their child:
WE LOVE YOU THE BEST.
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Old 10-07-2007, 11:53 PM
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I also feel bad because I tend to lack empathy with some of my friends who have chosen to have more children and then complain about how hard or difficult it is.

Me too. On one of our last conversations together, a former friend was bemoaning her wretched existence as a SAHM whose husband makes ample money. She sends DD #1 to daycare and stays at home with DD#2. She does absolutely no housework that I can see and then complains about how rotten her life was and how much stress kids are and how she's in the house with them all day and anytime she goes anywhere, she has to take them. Finally, I said something to the effect of, "What did you think was going to happen when you actively sought to get pregnant with #1 and #2?"

Um. We're not friends anymore.
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Old 10-08-2007, 12:04 AM
 
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lol Meg. I call my ds Number 1 Son!

A little background...oh and hello everyone! I am usually in the MHM threads lol


We spent about 2 yrs trying to adopt. We adopted from Russia and we feel like 3 is right for us for many reasons mentioned here on this thread.

Recently we were faced with possibly adopting my cousin's 5 kids. She's 30,her dh is 55 and both are DD.

Her mom ( my aunt) came and took care of them for the past yr,but at 63 she cannot do it.

Its a long story,but we were asked if we could take one child and darn it I wanted to with my heart,but my dh made me sit back and really think about what would happen to the dynamics of our family.


We really LOVE being a parent to one. One just fits us. We like to travel,we all have our passports and we can give our son 100% of ourselves.


Its really hard and I feel terrible for my cousins kids,but they are going to be going to some good homes.


Ok well I will be popping in more often!

cheers.
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Old 10-08-2007, 04:09 AM
 
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Old 10-08-2007, 10:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zoe21 View Post
I have a close friend who had to do years of IVF before having a baby, and she's been trying in vain to have more. Her own mom and siblings (she has 8 of them!!!), all of which have no fertility issues, tell her that her family really isn't one. Unfortunately, their comment is not part of a comedy routine... Incredible, isn't it?!
Wow. I'd really rethink adding more children to a family that espouses such a bad attitude! How can her mom and sis not recognize the many levels of hurt they are causing with those comments? :

Lovin' my four-pack: M, S, a different M, and sleepytime.gif me.

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Old 10-08-2007, 11:31 PM
 
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meg murry, is that your real name or a literary reference?

trying to mother my 11yo sweet skaterboy, 4yo stepgirl of the universe, this apocalypse babe-on-the-way, and my 36yo innerkid ...while figuring how to market myself, stay married, and murder my ego
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Old 10-08-2007, 11:33 PM
 
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I love having only one child...
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Old 10-09-2007, 02:03 AM
 
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I loved having an only...she's now 21, in college across the country....we homeschooled, had fantastic times in most every way......I was told, was so sure, that I couldn't have any more. weeeeellll, I turned 44 the week before my little Emperor was born! lolol So, now it's sortof like having another only! He's a 16 month old , glorious little rascal, what luck<grin>
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Old 10-09-2007, 02:40 AM
 
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I loved having an only...she's now 21, in college across the country....we homeschooled, had fantastic times in most every way......I was told, was so sure, that I couldn't have any more. weeeeellll, I turned 44 the week before my little Emperor was born! lolol So, now it's sortof like having another only! He's a 16 month old , glorious little rascal, what luck<grin>
Crikey, I'll bet that was a pretty mind-blowing moment when you realized you were pregnant again!
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Old 10-09-2007, 11:56 AM
 
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Wow, congrats! I think having 2 children so far apart is more like raising 2 onlies.

I have been getting a lot of weird vibes from some ladies in my mom's group lately. It's like they are offended at the idea that I only want one child. It's bizarre to me. I really love having only one. Maybe they feel that not having the urge to have babies in unnatural? There are some that think it's great that DH had a vasectomy, and others actually gave me a sympathetic look! I prefer the "woohoo!" response I got from one lady. We haven't told family, though, because DH is sure it would break MIL's heart to know she isn't going to have anymore grandkids. To her credit, she is an awesome nana and mom.

I have been watching a friend's toddler lately, and boy, it's sure a change from my 4 year old! In fact, my DS is more of a help with her than I thought. I'm so used to being able to get chores done and take a shower without constantly having to supervise my son...but with this little girl here (she's absolutely adorable and so sweet), I really have to stay on my toes!

I wish you all lived closer. I'd love to have a mom's of onlies group or park day.
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Old 10-09-2007, 01:55 PM
 
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Hi, everyone!

I'm a single momma to a 10-year-old monster. There are lots of reasons why I've chosen to have only one child, all of which have evolved and changed over the years. Currently, my primary reasons involve sustainability and durability of our planet. No explanation needed I'm sure, as I see many of those reasons listed here

Of course, I've found being a single mother affects my decision greatly, as well. Becoming unexpectedly pregnant as a teenager determined that my son and I would be faced with some unique challenges, and that things might not be as easy as they could've been had I done things in a more traditional manner. Overall, I love being a mom and I don't regret a single moment of it. That's not to say that things haven't been nearly completely overwhelming (financially, emotionally, spiritually) many, many, many times over the past ten years. Though I wouldn't want trade any of it for a second, and I know that my son and I have an amazing relationship because of it, I certainly don't have the desire to repeat it

I appreciate the general sense of control and manageability that comes with one child, which is also something I've seen mentioned here, and is especially important to me not only as a single parent, but one who works full time out of the house. I can't imagine having to not only shuttle two kids around to lessons, practices, etc., but also afford everyone's interests. And in the middle of it all, still have the energy, time and money to hit the gym and cook healthy meals. In my house, I feel like we're already using all of our resources and adding another life would cause something (like sanity?) to suffer. I'm in awe of how parents make it work.

Also, I'm pretty sure fighting with one kid about bedtime/homework/showering/incessant texting/picking scabs at the dinner table/et. al. is just plenty for me. We all know what a mess one kid can make, I don't need to experience the carnage three or four little monsters could cause on a daily basis. I mean, isn't it generally a good idea to not be outnumbered?

It's funny because I absolutely love when my house is full of kids. I enjoy the loudness and energy and happiness and even the mess I just don't think I'd love it every day.

Eh, who am I kidding? The real reason why I'm not having any more children is because the one I already have is my favorite. We're not supposed to have favorites - I mean, really, what kind of mom would I be if I had another?!

Mikaela
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Old 10-10-2007, 09:33 AM
 
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I agree. I also find it interesting that nobody seems to get involved in the family planning of people who do have more kids. Has anyone ever thought to ask "WHY are you having a second child?" I have never questioned my friends' or relatives' (or strangers', for that matter) choices when it comes to the number of kids they want. Unfortunately, it's only a one-way street!
To be fair, I am sure they get their comments too. I just know this because I have heard enough people complain about it. When it comes to family size, everyone swears they know better than you do.

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Finally, I said something to the effect of, "What did you think was going to happen when you actively sought to get pregnant with #1 and #2?"


That is what keeps me from wanting to have more children all the time. My child is awesome and I love her, but she is also so much stress and I find that I miss my adult free time sooooo much. Even with just one, it is hard to get anything done for myself that requires real concentration.
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Old 10-10-2007, 11:52 AM
 
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I wish you all lived closer. I'd love to have a mom's of onlies group or park day.
Oh, that would be lovely, karlin

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To be fair, I am sure they get their comments too. I just know this because I have heard enough people complain about it. When it comes to family size, everyone swears they know better than you do.
Excellent point and so true!

I'm loving this thread and conversation
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Old 10-10-2007, 02:17 PM
 
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hey mamas,
Our dd is almost 14 months old. She is pretty awesome and personally, I feel very fulfilled with just a family of 3. BUT, dp is getting the baby fever now. I don't know if it has to do with his brother having another baby or what..
I really thought we were on the same page but lately he's been hinting about having another one. When I tell him, I thought we decided with an only, he says if that's what I want, he's fine with it but he would love to have more and to have them closer in age too :

I'm soo happy with our family but I want him to be happy too.. on the same token, I'm a sahm and that would mean I would be the primary caregiver for two.... and I'm not sure I want that for ALOT of reasons. financial being a huge one. And at some point when dd reaches schoolage, I'd love to get back into the corporate world. I have grand plans of us traveling around the world. Having another just throws everything off balance.

Also, he is the one who is supposed to get the V so this just makes things so complicated. Have any of you experienced this where one of you wasn't quite onboard with the only idea. how did you as partners come to make this decision.

Mama to a 3.5 yo dd
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Old 10-11-2007, 06:28 PM
 
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My dh REALLY only wants to have one, though he will tolerate discussion of having a second child in the far-flung future as long as it's framed in the "if, maybe" context. So I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a partner who wanted to have more children than I did. Honestly, I would probably go ahead and do it since I assume I would have more support that way. So, it's probably good that he only wants one since I am the stay-at-home parent at the moment and I do not even have the patience for one child most days.

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Old 10-11-2007, 10:03 PM
 
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My dh REALLY only wants to have one, though he will tolerate discussion of having a second child in the far-flung future as long as it's framed in the "if, maybe" context. So I can't really imagine what it would be like to have a partner who wanted to have more children than I did. Honestly, I would probably go ahead and do it since I assume I would have more support that way. So, it's probably good that he only wants one since I am the stay-at-home parent at the moment and I do not even have the patience for one child most days.
(bolding: mine) oh I hear YA!!!!! Although it's getting easier as she is getting older! we dealt with a lot of sleep deprivation with her. Now, we can take road trips on a whim and life is just getting back to normal. I feel so bad for wanting an only child for *selfish reasons* and I know, if mama ain't happy.......
still, dh longs for having more kids now and suddenly I feel so unsure. It's one thing to explain to relatives or friends why you are absolutely content with an only but totally another to your partner.

Mama to a 3.5 yo dd
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Old 10-16-2007, 10:16 AM
 
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Hi! It's been so comforting reading everyone's posts in this tribe. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying and it also gave me a lot to think about (mostly on the benefits of having an only.) I'm an only and so far we have an only. I had a hard time getting pg with her and we have been half-heartedly trying for another, but I'm really starting to feel like I want to stop all that and keep our happy family of three. I've been a sahm and dd is now in half-day montessori and I've been getting back to work and am also trying to start a new career as a freelancer from home. We went to Europe this summer and it was so much fun to bring dd along - but I can't imagine doing that with two (too expensive, too much luggage, too much time before a new baby would be old enough for it to be fun...) Honestly, it's the extra plane ticket that's becoming more and more of a deal-breaker for me - we live far from both of our folks and travel at least twice a year to see them. With another kid I think it would be really hard to have additional money left over to travel other places - and I have tons of other places I want to take dd. Also, do you ever wonder about what life would be like if you lost your dp? I don't want to be left taking care of two kids by myself if something were to happen to him. (That sounds horrid, but I do think about it.) Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one. Dh would like to stop at dd - for a lot of reasons, but a huge one for him is the environment (which I'm sort of surprised more people haven't talked about on here?) Pp have mentioned Bill McKibben's book "Only One" which I also highly recommend! But on the other hand...

I'm an only and when I was growing up I ALWAYS wanted a sibling. I begged my parents for a sibling and felt jealous of kids who had them. In hindsight I probably idealized the idea and most likely wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as I thought I would. When I was really young I wanted someone to play with (although I was really good about playing by myself and had a lot of friends who came over to play.) As a teenager I wanted someone to confide in. But since leaving home it hasn't been an issue for me. I never think about being an only, it's just the way I am. I have my parents, my dh and dd, two aunts I'm close to and a lot of friends. I don't feel anything is missing. Despite all that I waffle when it comes to thinking about dd - would she be happier with or without a sibling? I have no idea! But I'm not sure that her possible need for a sibling should be our deciding factor. I love the idea of being pg again (after the 4 months of puking is over) and I love little babies, but I honestly didn't love having my own little baby (loved dd, just didn't love nightwaking) and was too tired to fully enjoy how cute she was. I think I love the idea more than the reality.

Another big one for me has been if something were to happen to dd. One of my aunts, who I'm very close to, lost her 7 year old son to leukemia when I was pg with dd. Honestly though, it was so devastating for them, I think it was good that they didn't have another child - they just separated (really common after losing a child). I don't know, having another means having another to potentially lose and nothing could replace dd or make up for losing her.

Because I'm an only dd has no aunts, uncles or cousins on my side. Dh has two brothers who he is not at all close to (in fact it's one of the reasons he thinks she should be an only). His brothers rarely see dd and they don't have any kids and probably won't. Dd's immediate family is very small. But what I'm realizing is that our small family is ideal for dh and I and if dd wants a large family she can have that with her own dp!

Anyways, that's my ramblings. I've been weighing this in my head for three years now! It feels really good to get it all out. Now that I've convinced myself an only is the best way to go hopefully I'm not pg! (we were still sort of half-heartedly trying this month.)
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Old 10-16-2007, 11:11 AM
 
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Hi MamatoZoe,

I could have written your post! I too took a long time (3.5 years) to get pg with my ds, and have been halfheartedly "trying" for another. As an only myself, I have a hard time imagining life with two kids and what it would be like for my ds.

Right now I am totally content with my only, although I have all the same fears you do about something happening to someone (hard to put that into words). I love the closeness that we have and it's hard to imagine adding another person into the equation. And life right now is pretty easy; having another kid would be tough. I know we could do it, but I'm not sure I would want to.

My best friend IRL is also an only with an only, so it helps that we have each other, and our kids have each other to play with. And my ds is has plenty of friends at school. He's much more outgoing than I am because he has so many activities. (When I was a kid, we didn't have so many things to do!) He started preschool this fall, and because it's a coop, I am required to be a parent helper once a month. I was shocked to find out that siblings are not allowed when you're the helper--so if I did have a baby, I'd have to leave it at home on those days. Since I could never do that to a baby, I was sort of relieved not to have to deal with that. I just love the days I am there with my ds--it's a special time. I see so many of his friends that are the same age who are ignored while their moms are busy with siblings, and it's nice to know that I can just pay attention to him.

I'm sort of rambling this morning so I'm going to stop now, but thank you for sharing your experience. I get so much out of hearing everyone else's experiences.
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Old 10-16-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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Hi Antmom! I know what you mean about having a hard time envisioning adding another child to the mix when you've never experienced it first-hand. I think that is so great that you have a friend who is an only with an only. Most of the moms I know have at least two or are pg or trying for more. It really helps to "talk" to some like-minded women/moms. I think sometimes I get caught up reading about moms who have more kids and start idealizing again... If I'm honest with myself though I know it just isn't right for my family.
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Old 10-17-2007, 01:51 AM
 
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Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one.
:

This is one of my "tests" and it never fails. Before I got pregnant with DD, I had major baby fever. Now, no more. Sometimes I'm unsure about whether we'll really just stick with one, or I'm wistful when I try to picture us as a family of 4, but jealous? NO WAY. If we ever do decide to have another, I think I'll see the first year as a necessary evil because there is nothing in me that wants to do that all over again.
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Old 10-17-2007, 09:58 AM
 
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Hi! It's been so comforting reading everyone's posts in this tribe. I can relate to so much of what everyone is saying and it also gave me a lot to think about (mostly on the benefits of having an only.) I'm an only and so far we have an only. I had a hard time getting pg with her and we have been half-heartedly trying for another, but I'm really starting to feel like I want to stop all that and keep our happy family of three. I've been a sahm and dd is now in half-day montessori and I've been getting back to work and am also trying to start a new career as a freelancer from home. We went to Europe this summer and it was so much fun to bring dd along - but I can't imagine doing that with two (too expensive, too much luggage, too much time before a new baby would be old enough for it to be fun...) Honestly, it's the extra plane ticket that's becoming more and more of a deal-breaker for me - we live far from both of our folks and travel at least twice a year to see them. With another kid I think it would be really hard to have additional money left over to travel other places - and I have tons of other places I want to take dd. Also, do you ever wonder about what life would be like if you lost your dp? I don't want to be left taking care of two kids by myself if something were to happen to him. (That sounds horrid, but I do think about it.) Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm NEVER jealous of moms with two or more kids - in fact, it's often the opposite, I feel sort of sick and tired when I think about being in their shoes. I KNOW if I had another that I would be jealous of moms with only one. Dh would like to stop at dd - for a lot of reasons, but a huge one for him is the environment (which I'm sort of surprised more people haven't talked about on here?) Pp have mentioned Bill McKibben's book "Only One" which I also highly recommend! But on the other hand...
Wow, I could have written this paragraph myself. I do wonder about losing my DH a lot, since he is military and deploys frequently. I'm already a single mom a lot of the time which is one reason why I want to stop at one, but the idea of being widowed and supporting two little ones by myself is just overwhelming.

Travel is also a big thing for us (two international trips planned in the next months) and plane tickets add up fast.

Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.
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Old 10-17-2007, 03:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RoundAbout View Post
Wow, I could have written this paragraph myself. I do wonder about losing my DH a lot, since he is military and deploys frequently. I'm already a single mom a lot of the time which is one reason why I want to stop at one, but the idea of being widowed and supporting two little ones by myself is just overwhelming.

Travel is also a big thing for us (two international trips planned in the next months) and plane tickets add up fast.

Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.

DH is military as well, and is working very long hours right now. I temporarily lost my sanity and decided, heck, Katie (15.5 mos) and I were going out to dinner last night. Alone. In public. With food. Alone. (Did I mention the part about being alone with a 15mos old in a food establishment? )
Ye gads. It worked! Holy cow. I went in prepared to scoop her up, get the food wrapped, pay, and go out the door in 2 mins flat if necessary. But we were there for 35 minutes..without a *single* scream, yell, flung piece of food, etc. I came out, in SHOCK, and was crying for joy in the car. Literally. Because it's like I have a little piece of my life back. I love to eat out...but with a 15 mos old? But, apparently, sometimes, I can. I cannot A) Imagine starting over or B) having to have TWO (or more kids whose behavior I'd have to "gamble" on, so to speak. The relative ease of it (yeah, sure I had to hold the glass for her, and cut up some of her food, while feeding myself, but, come on...easy-peasy at this point) just reinforced the decision that I enjoy our little party of three (or two, as the case may sometimes be). I am feeling much more confident in my tentative plan to get her passport ordered and becoming a jet-setter with her (DH's schedule will probably not allow it, and nothing's guaranteed anyway).

I agree with the "referee". It seems even kids who get along really well with their siblings most of the time STILL have something they argue over *every* single day, whether it's who gets the blue socks or the last banana or whatever.

DH went to BNCOC when Katie was 4 weeks old. Holy cow. And then again when she was 3.5 months (it was split). I nearly lost my sanity. With ONE child. I can't imagine it with two..at least with one, I could sort of do the "sleep when she sleeps" and take a break when she napped or whatever...with two???? Or with DH deployed for a year??? Uh-uh. I'd like to hold onto the last smidge of sanity left, thank you very much .
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Old 10-17-2007, 05:26 PM
 
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We arent pregnant yet, but when we do, it will be our only child. We have many nieces and nephews that we dote upon and we live very active lifestyles and travel EVERYWHERE. We still want to be able to do that and think that only have one child will allow us the freedom we want but still give us the happiness we crave from a child.
We have discussed 'possibly' adopting a toddler or young child internationally perhaps when our own child is older, but that is just talk. I don't know if we'd actually go through with it, though.

7/09 at 7 weeks - love you peanut
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Old 10-17-2007, 10:45 PM
 
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This is one of my "tests" and it never fails.
I love this idea of the "test." It's a great way to think about it.

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Originally Posted by RoundAbout View Post
Also agree with you about NEVER envying moms of two or more. Whenever I see moms of two kids (especially kids spaced closely) it just seems like they spend all of their energy on *managing* their kids: "don't hit him", "give that back", etc, etc. I want to be a parent not a referee.
Wow! So many military Moms here. You ALL are amazing. I don't know how you do it. I'm freaking out when DH is a few minutes late home from work...DD has emptied the cereal box, cat food, taken out the Tupperware for the 34th time that day etc...

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Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post
DH is military as well, and is working very long hours right now. I temporarily lost my sanity and decided, heck, Katie (15.5 mos) and I were going out to dinner last night. Alone. In public. With food. Alone. (Did I mention the part about being alone with a 15mos old in a food establishment? )
Ye gads. It worked!
That is so awesome of you! Good for you (and DD) to get out and treat yourselves. Sometimes I think our children are way, way more perceptive than we give them credit for. Perhaps she sensed your need to get out. I've also found the change of scenery, generally means she's happier and easier to entertain. I'm not sure about the military lingo...when do you expect your DH can come home?

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Originally Posted by Longhorn View Post
We arent pregnant yet, but when we do, it will be our only child. We have many nieces and nephews that we dote upon and we live very active lifestyles and travel EVERYWHERE. We still want to be able to do that and think that only have one child will allow us the freedom we want but still give us the happiness we crave from a child.
We have discussed 'possibly' adopting a toddler or young child internationally perhaps when our own child is older, but that is just talk. I don't know if we'd actually go through with it, though.
Welcome! That's great you found the tribe, even before your little one arrives!! We always planned for just one and still feel good about that decision. But, as you said...life is not etched in stone. I wonder if you will continue to travel, when the baby arrives? I know some people who do. They take the baby to Cancun, on cruises etc...We're kind of homebodies...but we hope to resume traveling someday. ($$
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