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#541 of 1646 Old 01-14-2008, 08:12 PM
 
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its hard enough with ONE baby trying to keep together as a couple and not just get submerged.

i would like to read that book' many one' that was recommended. anyway this has all been huge thought for me and has also sort of given me 'permission' to admit that we may well only have one...
Yes. I've watched my friends relationships struggle with number 2. I think more than one would be too much chaos for me. I just spend my time cherishing every milestone and knowing that I'll probably never experience each one again.
I read most of "Maybe One" He brings up some valid affirmations for the decision to only have one. I found a lot of it outdated as our carbon footprints and global warming have changed so much in the 10 years since it was written.
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#542 of 1646 Old 01-15-2008, 04:03 PM
 
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This weekend I was at my cousin's house and she asked me "aren't you going to have any more?" I said "Garrett, do you want a baby in our house?" He flat out said "NO!" Then I was teasing him saying "oh, come on, don't you want to change poopy diapers?" He was like "NO WAY!" I looked at my cousin and said to her "there you have it, he doesn't want siblings."
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#543 of 1646 Old 01-16-2008, 12:13 AM
 
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My DS is an only child, by choice and we have a hard time getting pregnant.
I find it hard sometimes when I tell someone with 5 kids that I only have one, it always seem like they judge us off the bat, categorizing my child, and how selfish we are.
My son is so happy, he is healthy, he loves playing with kids, but also enjoys playing alone. He is spoiled with love, and I believe kids all deserve to be spoiled with love.

Any moms of only children here with myspace accounts???
I'd love to talk to moms of only children so I don't feel so weird LOL!!

my site is: www.myspace.com/sahmnlovingit
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#544 of 1646 Old 01-16-2008, 12:43 AM
 
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Devaya: I feel the exact same way as everything you said. I remember when I took my 7 and 3 year old nieces shopping one afternoon. I was exhausted and we only shopped for 1 hour. I went home and took a 4 hour nap. I have no idea how parents with more then one do it. It just does not seem appealing to me.
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#545 of 1646 Old 01-17-2008, 01:48 AM
 
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It just does not seem appealing to me.
That is my whole entire reason for not wanting another child. I just plain old don't want to. Whenever I think of a possible benefit to having more than one, I can almost always think of a reason I still prefer one.

Someone older than I am (who has a 20-year old only) raised an interesting point, though. We were talking about the decision just to have one, and she said she wondered how many people had two because they figured it would confer some intangible benefit on the children, but in fact, they never really enjoyed raising two kids at once? I wonder if people sometimes realize after having a second, "OH. Now I see why having an only would have been better." I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it. Heck, it took me almost 3 years to admit out loud that having a child is way harder than I thought it would be!

Anyways, just rambling, really. I love this group; I know you ladies get it! Oh, and kmisje, I have a MySpace: www.myspace.com/another_sarah
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#546 of 1646 Old 01-17-2008, 09:32 AM
 
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I wonder if people sometimes realize after having a second, "OH. Now I see why having an only would have been better." I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it.
I've often had this same thought. I KNOW this would be me. I also know that if I were in that situation I'd be jealous of people who only had one. The thread awhile back about moms with too many kids (and most of them only had two) really had a big influence on me. I can absolutely imagine being in that situation.
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#547 of 1646 Old 01-17-2008, 10:14 AM
 
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I wonder if people sometimes realize after having a second, "OH. Now I see why having an only would have been better." I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it.
I actually know someone whose mother told her that she regretted having her 2nd child. Of course, she was the 2nd child.

And my MiL sat her children down and told them that she had a mental illness and that her life would have been much better if she had never had children, that having them only made everything worse. I'm not sure if my husband will ever recover from that wound.

But that's a whole other thread, and a whole other tribe.

And you are right, there's no going back from having a child. I'm so glad I have no doubts about having my only.
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#548 of 1646 Old 01-17-2008, 11:54 AM
 
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That is my whole entire reason for not wanting another child. I just plain old don't want to.
This is me exactly. I sometimes think about another in terms of "the benefit of a sibling" (which is in itself debatable). But then I realize that *I* don't want another. I wanted my daughter more than anything---that same pull toward another is just not there. When you look at it that way, it would be totally bizarre to have another just because of a vague feeling about siblings.
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#549 of 1646 Old 01-17-2008, 12:07 PM
 
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Even though I'm not here much, I love this tribe. (I'm more of a lurker than poster I guess).

It drives me batty when I encounter people with more than one child who judge my decision to only have one. I have yet to receive a valid, logical reason to increase the size of my family.

I have a sister who is 8 1/2 years younger than I, and honestly, while we are friends now, we were never close. I was so much happier before she came along and took attention away So I don't buy the "your child will be happier with a sibling" line.

My DH and I get this *all the time* and at this point we just roll our eyes. We were called selfish for not wanting another child, to which DH replied "It's selfish to overpopulate the world, actually". He's much less tolerant than I am when it comes to people poking their noses into our reproductive plans.

Sorry for the ramble, it must be weighing on my mind recently, since the holiday-family-visiting I suppose.

I love what Devaya said about growing up together as three (I'm paraphrasing). What a wonderful statement. I love being just three
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#550 of 1646 Old 01-20-2008, 09:29 PM
 
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Hey, I just thought of something while watching the multiples marathon on Discovery Health. Why don't they do a documentary on families with an only. Ok, yeah, ppl might think it's a piece of cake but really we face a lot of unique challenges. I know I'd totally tune in to see families that mirror mine.

Mama to a 3.5 yo dd
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#551 of 1646 Old 01-20-2008, 11:59 PM
 
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Hey, I just thought of something while watching the multiples marathon on Discovery Health. Why don't they do a documentary on families with an only. Ok, yeah, ppl might think it's a piece of cake but really we face a lot of unique challenges. I know I'd totally tune in to see families that mirror mine.
Interesting concept... and I agree!
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#552 of 1646 Old 01-25-2008, 08:49 PM
 
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Hey ladies! I'm Elizabeth and I'm a full time mom to 7 yo DSD and have been since she was 2. I have no biological kids.

DH and I just decided a couple of nights ago that we're done with one. I have PCOS so there is pretty much a 0% chance we'd ever have a naturally occurring pregnancy.

Our insurance, finances, and my health have all recently changed for the better so we were on the very edge of beginning to go down that long road of fertility treatments. The cost of it and the wear and tear it can cause on a relationship was pretty unappealing.

DH just does not want more children. He feels horrible about it because he knows how badly I've always wanted to have kids. He said he'd do go ahead with it if it's what I wanted but I don't feel right dragging him through it. And honestly, having a finalized answer is kind of nice. Instead of the constant worry about the cost and if I will be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant, all of the doctor appts and crazy medicine...I have a solid answer. One is enough.

I did recently post over in parents as partners about this and I didn't get any response. I was curious if anyone had decided not to have more kids and if they regretted it. Basically, I wanted to know what that was like.

Anyway, this decision is still pretty new to us but it feels right.
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#553 of 1646 Old 01-26-2008, 12:43 AM
 
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Hi,
My son is 2 1/2 and we are done.
I'm so sick of people putting a guilt trip on me for only wanting to have one child. What's up with that? I mean, I would like to think that I'm a good mom to my son, but it's not anyone's business how many more I want!

They all shake their heads like: you don't want Max to have a little brother or sister???
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#554 of 1646 Old 01-26-2008, 03:34 AM
 
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Elizabeth, that must feel good to have a firm decision.
In our case too, dh is fairly firm (though not 100 percent), and I am about 50/50.

I also have medical issues that would make things difficult during pregnancy.
Regret is one of the big things that is keeping my thoughts of a second child alive. The other is that I really, really enjoy dd and would like to enjoy another.

However, that said, if it caused a lot of strain on me and dh and on our relationship, the enjoyment of a second child wouldn't be as...enjoyable.

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#555 of 1646 Old 01-26-2008, 03:53 AM
 
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I have not read this whole thread -- so I may have the oldest "only" here but our DS wll be 17 this year.

It was not our original intention to only have one -- but time just got away on us and after a couple of years we just didn't want to start over with sleepless nights and diaper bags (particularly sleepless nights!~!!)

We ask our DS all the time if he would have liked a sibling and he always says no!!

I get stressed easily and really like my space and quiet -- so I think 3 was perfect for us.

Our son is happy and well adjusted and we are very proud of him. I think it was the right choice for us. (although sometimes I feel a little sad that I was never able to buy little dresses -- but who knows we may never had a girl anyway if we had more children)

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#556 of 1646 Old 01-26-2008, 11:30 AM
 
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I have not read this whole thread -- so I may have the oldest "only" here but our DS wll be 17 this year.

It was not our original intention to only have one -- but time just got away on us and after a couple of years we just didn't want to start over with sleepless nights and diaper bags (particularly sleepless nights!~!!)

We ask our DS all the time if he would have liked a sibling and he always says no!!

I get stressed easily and really like my space and quiet -- so I think 3 was perfect for us.

Our son is happy and well adjusted and we are very proud of him. I think it was the right choice for us. (although sometimes I feel a little sad that I was never able to buy little dresses -- but who knows we may never had a girl anyway if we had more children)

Amen!! My DD is a TERRIBLE sleeper and I just don't think I could do it again. Of course, this isn't why we decided to just have one, but I do feel a sweeping sense of relief that once she learns to sleep well, I'll finally get to sleep again!
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#557 of 1646 Old 01-28-2008, 12:29 PM
 
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thanks for sharing your POV, decluttering.
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#558 of 1646 Old 01-28-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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In response to something above: I have some friends who have two, and I think having the second child might have actually destroyed their marriage. When they had one, they seemed pretty happy--there was stress, obviously, but they were nice to each, they managed. Now, they seem completely overwhelmed by the kids. They are always sniping at each other (it's hard to be around). It feels like they barely even talk to each other except to manage the children (get ds1's sippy cup, wipe ds2's nose). They pit the kids against each other (why are you doing x--your younger brother NEVER does x). It makes me sad, only b/c I think they are people who would really have been happier with one, but all of their friends have the requisite 2 kids and I think they felt a lot of pressure to conform.

Of course, this isn't true of everyone, not by a long shot--we have other friends with two (or more) who have wonderful marriages and seem to have a much easier time with multiple kids than dh and I have with our (easy-going) one! But it really bothers me that people feel so compelled to have more than one kid just for the sake of having more than one kid. It's such a momentous, life-long decision--I don't get it, nor do I get why it's "selfish" to know your own limits. I'd much rather me a good mother to one child, then a basket case with two.
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#559 of 1646 Old 01-28-2008, 01:00 PM
 
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This thread is definitely interesting to me. My DS will be 6 next week. Since he was about 6 months old, we decided that 1 would be enough for us. There have been times that I have thought for a split second that I wouldn't mind 2, but then I enter back into reality.

DS is highly sensitive and so am I. I realize more and more how exhausted I am on a daily basis and don't think I could handle more. Two years of sleepless nights was too much for me. DS never slept through the night until he was almost 2. He is a much better sleeper now, but I just can't go back to that. People say that if we had more maybe they wouldn't be as challenging, but I just don't think I would be able to handle any of the challenges of a newborn again. I can't handle the sounds and cries of an infant, it is hard for me to deal with it.

I love my nieces and nephews, I love other people's kids and I love my own, but I just don't think I am cut out for having more. It gets old when people ask me about having more. I just tell them that one is enough for me, but they don't seem to understand. I really don't care what other people think any more though. I know what I can handle and I know what I can't handle. I know my family would love for me to have more kids, but reality is, I probably an not going to.

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#560 of 1646 Old 01-28-2008, 06:59 PM
 
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I'm finding a lot of comfort in having a firm decision. The wishy washy-ness of not knowing was really hurting me.

I'm not 100% on board yet. I thought I was but I had a mini meltdown yesterday. Just a couple of tears over realizing I'll never be able to hold a baby of my own. I think the only reason that I may regret this at all, even just the tiniest bit, is because I've not been able to parent a baby from birth or experience late nights and labor pains, etc....that kind of thing. Plenty of people reassure me that I'm not missing much but still...

-Elizabeth
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#561 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 01:43 AM
 
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In response to something above: I have some friends who have two, and I think having the second child might have actually destroyed their marriage. When they had one, they seemed pretty happy--there was stress, obviously, but they were nice to each, they managed. Now, they seem completely overwhelmed by the kids. They are always sniping at each other (it's hard to be around). It feels like they barely even talk to each other except to manage the children (get ds1's sippy cup, wipe ds2's nose). They pit the kids against each other (why are you doing x--your younger brother NEVER does x). It makes me sad, only b/c I think they are people who would really have been happier with one, but all of their friends have the requisite 2 kids and I think they felt a lot of pressure to conform.

Of course, this isn't true of everyone, not by a long shot--we have other friends with two (or more) who have wonderful marriages and seem to have a much easier time with multiple kids than dh and I have with our (easy-going) one! But it really bothers me that people feel so compelled to have more than one kid just for the sake of having more than one kid. It's such a momentous, life-long decision--I don't get it, nor do I get why it's "selfish" to know your own limits. I'd much rather me a good mother to one child, then a basket case with two.
See, that is EXACTLY what I was talking about. That is my biggest fear, and I don't think it would be that far off for us if we had another.
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#562 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 08:57 AM
 
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I see a lot of couples who have their s*** together with one kid, and then with the second one all of a sudden they are complete wrecks--either marriage-wise or just are overwhelmed by daily life. I just am seeing a more enjoyable life for all three of us if we keep it at three--the ability to travel together, to be able to afford to NOT work long and crazy hours, less squabbling, etc.
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#563 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 11:30 AM
 
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I have no doubt that those people love both their children to pieces, but of course, there's no going back, there's no halfway, and you're not supposed to have any regrets about things like that, so I doubt anyone would ever admit it.
I agree 100% with this. I my IUD but it's still hard on me when all the other moms of kids dd's age are pregnant and I feel like I missed the memo. Neither dh nor I had close-in-age siblings and we're both fine. Maybe because we had fairly peaceful childhoods, we'd like dd to have the same.

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#564 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 01:50 PM
 
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I see a lot of couples who have their s*** together with one kid, and then with the second one all of a sudden they are complete wrecks--either marriage-wise or just are overwhelmed by daily life. I just am seeing a more enjoyable life for all three of us if we keep it at three--the ability to travel together, to be able to afford to NOT work long and crazy hours, less squabbling, etc.
I've seen alot of this too. A very good friend who has been married for 11 years has a 3.5 (high needs) and a 1.5 admitted to me that #2 was huge trial for a marriage... especially the first 6 months. Now I see her doing things that I can't imagine... just to relieve stress. She's leaving on a "girls weekend" and leaving the kids with her husband. She weened #2 at 9 or 10 months... she is just overwhelmed. She was a pretty AP mama with #1. But nowshe seems to be distancing herself. I talked to her about EC when she was visiting last and how well it has worked for us and she practically bit off my head ("It's so much harder with 2 I have no time for anything like that!") I just want to enjoy what we have. I told someone last week. "We're happy. Why should we change anything?"
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#565 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 02:23 PM
 
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I can't remember where I read it, but, studies have found that the "quality" of a marriage begins to decline after the birth of the first child, and doesn't begin to re-ascend until the YOUNGEST child reaches the age of two. If someone's popping one out every two years for a decade, that's a long time for a downward spiral. Or apathy, I guess. I don't think everyone who has three or four kids is unhappy, but, I know VERY few people IRL with three or more kids who ARE happy w/their marriages...off the top of my head...my bf has 3, is getting divorce, my old employer has 3, has asked me if she thinks "too many kids" could be the reason she's so unhappy with her marriage, another has four, and is at wit's end. My friend's mom had three, though, and has a *very* strong, stable marriage, so, obviously, it's not written in stone, but there does seem to be a pattern.

DD is almost 19 mos, and DH and I are finally starting to get "back to normal" in myriad ways. I can't IMAGINE getting pregnant with another right now, and watching it all go back down to the beginning, and probably "then some" with a very inquisitive, curious, and intense (in good *and* bad ways) toddler thrown into the mix.

Like I've said before, we have dreams, desires, and aspirations outside of our child. I don't think that's selfish; I think it's intelligent to realize that, and understand where the limits are for us. I'm sure our daughter might one day want a sibling, but, I also think she'll eventually be able to understand that this was the best choice for our family as a whole.
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#566 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 03:01 PM
 
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I'm sure our daughter might one day want a sibling, but, I also think she'll eventually be able to understand that this was the best choice for our family as a whole.
Well, she might or she might not. I had two good friends in high school who were onlies and dh has a good friend from college who was an only...they've ALL told us how much they enjoyed being only children and all say they wouldn't have done anything differently. I am especially impressed with their relationships with their parents. When dh and I look at our friends and try to figure out who, as an adult, has the kind of relationship with his/her parents that we'd like to have with dd, it's our three friends who were onlies plus one friend who has a sibling.

Somewhat related: friends of ours just had a baby, and we took dd (20 months) when we went to visit. Dd had a great time at their apartment--playing with stuffed animals, looking at their Christmas tree, etc. We kept asking her if she wanted to look at the baby, and she would look over at him, declare (quite assertively) "NO!", and go back to what she was doing. I think she's gonna be just fine.

And katheek, I completely agree with you...at around 18 months, we felt like we were STARTING to get some semblance of an enjoyable life back (rather than just trying to COPE all the time), and I cannot imagine why I would ever want to go back to the way it was when we had an infant (especially with a toddler...eek!).
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#567 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 06:12 PM
 
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You guys are making me feel better today. Thanks.

It's gonna be so cool when dd is past the toddler stage and we can all do fun things as a trio!

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#568 of 1646 Old 01-29-2008, 09:08 PM
 
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Like I've said before, we have dreams, desires, and aspirations outside of our child. I don't think that's selfish; I think it's intelligent to realize that, and understand where the limits are for us. I'm sure our daughter might one day want a sibling, but, I also think she'll eventually be able to understand that this was the best choice for our family as a whole.
Bolding by me. I immediately think about my (and my husband's) limits when the topic of another baby comes up (always by people who say "Of course you'll have another!!" when I make my usual "eh, not really" face). I feel like I am maxing out on my limitations on a daily basis, obviously because I am in the thick of parenting a toddler and the person (MIL, SIL, other family members) making the "of course" remark isn't--their time for active, daily hands-on parenting has passed (as is the case for MIL), or is lessening as their kids are older and are entering late teens and early adulthood (as is the case for SIL). But I also wonder how these same people could never have asked themselves what their own limits before they jumped onto the multiple-children wagon. I suppose it boils down to each of us having a different level of self-analysis that we subject ourselves to, and whether we even want to ask ourselves some not-pretty questions about our actual capabilities--i.e., some people just don't "go there." :

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#569 of 1646 Old 01-30-2008, 01:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post
I don't... get why it's "selfish" to know your own limits. I'd much rather me a good mother to one child, then a basket case with two.
holla.

seriously, i'm at about 65% basket case now as it is. i'm quitting my job because i don't have enough time for me, him, and dp when i'm out of the house 40 hours. i simply can't imagine finding the space within myself for another child. sometimes i wonder if we'll even be able to deal with a dog! :
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#570 of 1646 Old 01-30-2008, 03:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by caspian's mama View Post
sometimes i wonder if we'll even be able to deal with a dog! :
Try guinea pigs. You don't need to walk them. That's our plan...in another 3 years or so.

Keep on convincing me about this 1-child thing, please! I must repeat:
Things are better after the first two years, don't go back.
I must understand where our limits are as a family.
I must quit blaming the one-child thing on my dh.

Tricia, treehugger.gif wild.gif geek.gif mama of dd (6) 

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Child , Sibling Issues In Foster Care And Adoption A Bulletin For Professionals , Sibling Stories Reflections On Life With A Brother Or Sister On The Autism Spectrum

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