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#661 of 1646 Old 06-06-2008, 04:22 PM
 
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I have a sibling only 2.5 years younger, but I often was lonely as a child. We didn't always want to play together, either because our interests were different or because we weren't getting along. I sometimes wished I had more siblings for that reason, but having more-available friends would've worked. We lived in a suburban area where life was very scheduled, you had to call people for playdates and often arrange them in advance, and kids were very booked-up. I would have been MORE lonely without my brother, but he wasn't a whole lot of compensation...usually if I was playing with him, I'd wish I had a friend over as well/instead.

EnviroKid has been asking for a baby sister this week. I tell him we'll just have to wait and see if another baby comes to our family. I mean, even if we were to decide we definitely want another child, both his dad and I are sub-fertile so there's no guarantee we could produce one.

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#662 of 1646 Old 06-09-2008, 01:24 PM
 
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I just got my first truly negative comment about dd being an only. I was at my parents' house w/ dd and my dad said, "All only children regret it when they grow up. She needs a sibling."
I'm an only by choice and had a FANTASTIC childhood! My husband is an only by circumstance and his wasn't so pleasant - there was a lot of guilt growing up being the only. So, basically, your dad is sending the wrong message to your kid. Or maybe she'll be bright as a whip and say "Grandpa I don't want to live with regret...I need a new doll." Ha!

We just have the one kid right now due to health stuff. We're not sure if I'll get well enough to carry another child - we might, we might not. Either way, I don't want my kid to have to carry the weight of this on her shoulders. I do love having only one right now.

I was at a playdate the other day and one of the ladies was talking about wanting another because she loves the nursing, the baby smell, the tiny toes, etc...then she said she isn't having another because "those sweet babies grow up!" I thought that was a riot.

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#663 of 1646 Old 06-11-2008, 06:24 AM
 
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Hi. I posted on this thread way back but just wanted to jump in again since we are getting closer to making our decision permanent with DH getting info on vasectomy. Also I just had a playdate with another family which reminded me of why only having one is so great

Anyway we have an 18 month old son and our desire to have an only comes from a lot of reasons but a big one is DH's career. He is military (11 years in) and we currently live overseas. A lot of people who keep telling us we should have another child have no idea what it is like to be a military family. I gave birth alone while DH was deployed and was on my own for the first few months with no help. We have another deployment coming up next year and I have no desire to do that again.

Even when DH is here he works long/unreliable hours, is gone for weeks and months at a time with training, and we have no family nearby to help out. My civilian friends who have DH's with 9-to-5 jobs and live right nextdoor to grandma have no clue.

And yes, many military families have more than one kid, but a lot of them are really stressed because of it or they give up a lot to make it work. For example I was so happy last year when my husband's ship had a port call in Hong Kong and I was able able to fly down there with my 10 month old to spend a long weekend together in the middle of his deployment. My friend with 3 kids had to stay at home because of the expense and hassle. We have another friend - a military dad- who has basically given up his triathlon racing because the expense of taking his family of 5 out of town for a race is too great, and yet taking off for a weekend alone is not fair to his wife because he's already gone so much. So he just doesn't do that anymore and its too bad.

With one child we just feel so in balance as a family.

Anyway, I have a lot to say (especially since I was an only child myself and loved it) and will be posting more but just wanted to jump in and re-introduce myself. Looking forward to reading this thread again.
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#664 of 1646 Old 06-15-2008, 03:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Nora'sMama View Post

So, I worry about this a lot. What are some of your thoughts on this? Do you think some children are better suited to being onlies than others? Perhaps some kids really do *need* a sibling, and others don't?

It also might be different if dd had cousins, or if we lived on a block where she could just play freely with the other kids her age so that she'd always have a playmate...but she has no cousins so far, none on the horizon, and that type of living situation does not seem to be likely in the future either.
My daughter also has no cousins and none likely for several more years. By then there will be such an age gap (5+ years), it is unlikely to make any substantial difference.

My problem is that I don't like raising my daughter in that situation where she has no family her own age. On the other hand, I just can't see having another kid. I have no interest, can't afford it in any capacity, don't want to deal with it. I also can't force my siblings and siblings-in-law to breed, so I am not sure what the real solution is.

Right now, the best I can do is put her in daycare and progress her to other social activities as she gets older like Girl Scouts and sports.

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I was just thinking today, Even if it were true that only children somehow grow up damaged by it, it's still better than bringing an unwanted child into the world just because society tells you to...
Absolutely.
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#665 of 1646 Old 07-01-2008, 11:23 AM
 
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I am back. I wasn't an only. I was the "middle child" of four kids. I am a text book middle child. I don't want that for my DS ....even though he is an only 85% of the year, he's the baby the rest of the time.
I recently came to the conclusion that I am going to do something more permanent as far as birth control. I told my DP that I truly do not want another child and do not want to risk it any more. So I am considering Essure. It seems to be the best option and there's no surgery.
I haven't fully evaluated this, on the surface it appears to be the best option.
My DP has no interest in having getting the Big V although its cheaper, less invasive.
That's my piece for now.
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#666 of 1646 Old 07-03-2008, 02:43 PM
 
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So I am considering Essure. It seems to be the best option and there's no surgery.
I haven't fully evaluated this, on the surface it appears to be the best option.
My DP has no interest in having getting the Big V although its cheaper, less invasive.
What is Essure? Is it an IUD? I have the Mirena IUD and I have been very happy with it. I have had it in for 2 years with zero issues. And with maybe a total of 5 tiny periods which is a total bonus.

I was just thinking I was going to ask dh to get the "Big V" but it just doesn't seem worth it.

I never thought I would be sterilizing myself or my hubby, lol! My little only demands it though - I just can't do what I do for him along with another. Especially not since I WOHM full-time.
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#667 of 1646 Old 07-03-2008, 03:07 PM
 
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What is Essure? Is it an IUD? I have the Mirena IUD and I have been very happy with it. I have had it in for 2 years with zero issues. And with maybe a total of 5 tiny periods which is a total bonus.

I was just thinking I was going to ask dh to get the "Big V" but it just doesn't seem worth it.

I never thought I would be sterilizing myself or my hubby, lol! My little only demands it though - I just can't do what I do for him along with another. Especially not since I WOHM full-time.
Basically it's little coils which are inserted into your fallopian tubes; scar tissue grows over the coils, resulting in blocked fallopian tubes. There's no surgery, and it has a quick recovery. I don't know anyone who has used this method, just read a bunch about it.
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#668 of 1646 Old 07-03-2008, 03:10 PM
 
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Basically it's little coils which are inserted into your fallopian tubes; scar tissue grows over the coils, resulting in blocked fallopian tubes. There's no surgery, and it has a quick recovery. I don't know anyone who has used this method, just read a bunch about it.
Ah, I see. And no hormones either. Interesting.

Thanks for the enlightenment!
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#669 of 1646 Old 07-03-2008, 08:46 PM
 
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Hi! I'm so glad to have found this tribe. My story is likely a bit different than some of you on here (sorry, I don't have the time to read all 34 pages!) but my DS is an only child. He is 2.5 years old and DP and I will not have any more children. I am very much not okay with this.
I have always wanted more than one child, but because of circumstances beyond anyone's control it just won't happen. I hope to be able to read along and perhaps gain some acceptance of the fact that I will not have more children.

Mommy to a wonderfully passionate little one
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#670 of 1646 Old 07-09-2008, 04:48 PM
 
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Hi, Susannah! I hope you are able to make peace with having an only, if that is in fact how it turns out. Some people are delighted to have an only, and others are not. I am on the fence. Sometimes I think I will try to have another, but it is very unlikely. I am also trying to find peace with it too.

Lots of people on this thread struggle with family and friends who try to pressure them to have more children when they very much do not - so we all have our own stuff to work through.

Welcome!
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#671 of 1646 Old 07-10-2008, 02:34 AM
 
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Hi I'm Heidi and I have a little boy, who has been an only. Not necessarily by choice. We were still focusing on raising ds, he turned 2 we built a house, my dh and I separated, then 8 months later we reconciled... And now, my ds is getting older and older... he'll be 4 shortly. So I'm thinking even if we have another child at this point it won't be the same affect as having siblings more closely spaced.

Anyways, I thought about having only one child for the rest of my life. I love my son and our relationship. I see my SIL with her 4 kids and wonder what kind of relationships she has with each of them. I'm not saying one is better or worse... But I do love the 1 kid situation. We have so much flexibility with schedule and travel!

But giving up the idea of having at least one more is really sad for me, and it's like my body really wants to do it all again. Although there's parts of me that think everything went really well the first time maybe I should not attempt it again for fear of failure I guess. Anyways, for now we're a ONE kid house, and I know it's such a different experience. I am looking forward to skimming a lot of these pages to see what others experiences are like.

Anyways, that's me.. a little nut in a cracked up shell.
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#672 of 1646 Old 07-10-2008, 02:36 AM
 
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I have a few questions about raising onlies...

Do any of you homeschool?

Do your children have a difficult time separating the idea of being a child from being an adult? Do they want to have the same level privileges, etc?
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#673 of 1646 Old 07-10-2008, 08:26 AM
 
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Basically it's little coils which are inserted into your fallopian tubes; scar tissue grows over the coils, resulting in blocked fallopian tubes. There's no surgery, and it has a quick recovery. I don't know anyone who has used this method, just read a bunch about it.
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Ah, I see. And no hormones either. Interesting.

Thanks for the enlightenment!
Just wanted to say a friend of mine had this procedure done about a year & a half ago. I believe it's still considered surgery - just not the fully open your abdomen kind. I think it's still a bit more than invasive than a vasectomy (she did this procedure because her husband wouldn't get one). She's very happy with the results and has had no major side effects, just typical recovery things.
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#674 of 1646 Old 07-10-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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I have a few questions about raising onlies...

Do any of you homeschool?

Do your children have a difficult time separating the idea of being a child from being an adult? Do they want to have the same level privileges, etc?
DD is only 19 mos, but we will most likely end up homeschooling. There is someone on this thread who has an older only that was homeschooled. I can't remember who, but maybe she'll pipe up.

And can you elaborate a bit on your last 2 questions? Are you asking if our onlies expect to be treated like adults in a sense? I'm an only so I'm thinking of this in terms of my own childhood, but I just want to be certain I understand what you are asking.
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#675 of 1646 Old 07-14-2008, 06:33 PM
 
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Hi, Susannah! I hope you are able to make peace with having an only, if that is in fact how it turns out. Some people are delighted to have an only, and others are not. I am on the fence. Sometimes I think I will try to have another, but it is very unlikely. I am also trying to find peace with it too.

Lots of people on this thread struggle with family and friends who try to pressure them to have more children when they very much do not - so we all have our own stuff to work through.

Welcome!
Thanks for the welcome

Mommy to a wonderfully passionate little one
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#676 of 1646 Old 07-17-2008, 11:03 AM
 
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I am on the fence. Sometimes I think I will try to have another, but it is very unlikely. I am also trying to find peace with it too.
this is me lately. i also join in the "wanting but waiting" thread, to sort out my feelings. i am trusting that however it works out, it will be fine. i love my daughter and she is thriving--this is the most important.

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#677 of 1646 Old 07-17-2008, 11:36 PM
 
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I hope this is a safe place to say this...
...lately I am so grateful for my decision to have an only! Between reading posts right here on MDC and hearing/ seeing my real life friends with 2+ kids it seems like everyone I know is miserable coping with the day to day of juggling more than one kid. And I find as DS gets older and easier I am just loving life more and more. The hard part is relating. I am looking forward to going on spontaneous outings and trips with DS, I love taking walks with him, we have lovely little lunches together... but I am surrounded by people who are really struggling or constantly yelling at their kids.
Of course I have my ups and downs with DS, but overall he is a joy and we have struck a lovely balance. I want to be able to reach out and say something comforting to help my friends, but all I can think it "well, you made this decision now you have to deal with it."

:

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#678 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 12:36 AM
 
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I hope this is a safe place to say this...
...lately I am so grateful for my decision to have an only! Between reading posts right here on MDC and hearing/ seeing my real life friends with 2+ kids it seems like everyone I know is miserable coping with the day to day of juggling more than one kid. And I find as DS gets older and easier I am just loving life more and more. The hard part is relating. I am looking forward to going on spontaneous outings and trips with DS, I love taking walks with him, we have lovely little lunches together... but I am surrounded by people who are really struggling or constantly yelling at their kids.
Of course I have my ups and downs with DS, but overall he is a joy and we have struck a lovely balance. I want to be able to reach out and say something comforting to help my friends, but all I can think it "well, you made this decision now you have to deal with it."

:

That is EXACTLY how DH and I feel. EXACTLY!
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#679 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 01:15 AM
 
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I hope this is a safe place to say this...
...lately I am so grateful for my decision to have an only! Between reading posts right here on MDC and hearing/ seeing my real life friends with 2+ kids it seems like everyone I know is miserable coping with the day to day of juggling more than one kid. And I find as DS gets older and easier I am just loving life more and more. The hard part is relating. I am looking forward to going on spontaneous outings and trips with DS, I love taking walks with him, we have lovely little lunches together... but I am surrounded by people who are really struggling or constantly yelling at their kids.
Of course I have my ups and downs with DS, but overall he is a joy and we have struck a lovely balance. I want to be able to reach out and say something comforting to help my friends, but all I can think it "well, you made this decision now you have to deal with it."

:
I feel like this as well. I just love our life just us three. And if that is a crime, I am happily to commit that crime.
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#680 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 07:41 AM
 
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Right there with ya, boatbaby!
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#681 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 09:16 AM
 
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boatbaby - this is definitely a safe place to say that! My sister and BIL struggle so much with just their two it always gives me pause when I think about having another. I would like to imagine I could manage two kids better than they do, that I have some magic method of raising children but is all I can say about that!!!!

Yeah, one LO is pretty sweet!
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#682 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 01:03 PM
 
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ds turned 5 in june and things have been amazing so far. he's all about going on "dates" with me or his dad and we can do stuff that we find worthwhile too, without having to cater to a younger sibling. unfortunately, now that he *is* five, we have to start paying for more events (concerts etc) than we did before but at least we don't have to pay double or triple that! he's also home(un)schooled so we can just drop life and take off at a moment's notice. i really really want to take him cross country in 2009 or 10, especially since our friends just moved to OR.

i really liked him as a baby, high needs and all, but his behavior lately has been a lot more manageable. i like our conversations to end with us seeing eye-to-eye but, even if they don't, at least now i really know that he has heard and understood my words, whereas i wondered whether i was "talking to the wall" when he was younger.

oh! and just the 2 of us went camping over the 4th. it was like a dream- no yelling, no nothing- just good times all around. i felt bad when i watched my other parent friends not able to swim with the big boys because they had to play in the sand with the babies or whatever. i never want my child to have to "share" me. i have a lot of mood issues and am generally spread pretty thin as it is. there's no way on this earth i have the emotional resources to care for a second (or more!) child. and, damnit, i don't want to! my myspace name is "caspianrocks" and he so totally does.
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#683 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 01:05 PM
 
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ds turned 5 in june and things have been amazing so far. he's all about going on "dates" with me or his dad and we can do stuff that we find worthwhile too, without having to cater to a younger sibling. unfortunately, now that he *is* five, we have to start paying for more events (concerts etc) than we did before but at least we don't have to pay double or triple that! he's also home(un)schooled so we can just drop life and take off at a moment's notice. i really really want to take him cross country in 2009 or 10, especially since our friends just moved to OR.

i really liked him as a baby, high needs and all, but his behavior lately has been a lot more manageable. i like our conversations to end with us seeing eye-to-eye but, even if they don't, at least now i really know that he has heard and understood my words, whereas i wondered whether i was "talking to the wall" when he was younger.

oh! and just the 2 of us went camping over the 4th. it was like a dream- no yelling, no nothing- just good times all around. i felt bad when i watched my other parent friends not able to swim with the big boys because they had to play in the sand with the babies or whatever. i never want my child to have to "share" me. i have a lot of mood issues and am generally spread pretty thin as it is. there's no way on this earth i have the emotional resources to care for a second (or more!) child. and, damnit, i don't want to! my myspace name is "caspianrocks" and he so totally does.
I loved reading this. And you're in trouble now, you gave out your myspace s/n and now I will have to stalk you there. ROFL!!!!
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#684 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 01:58 PM
 
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I am also finding as DD gets older there seem to be so many blissful moments. DD has always been a super-easy LO, but that first year was beyond hard. I can't for the life of me imagining "disturbing the peace" w/ a newborn. Of course, I suppose it's that type of thinking that gets us parents of onlies labeled as selfish. Oh well! I have plenty of reasons that I only want one, many of them are very unselfish, IMO. Anyway, I am feeling more and more that our family is complete and I really like it this way.
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#685 of 1646 Old 07-18-2008, 10:40 PM
 
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I have plenty of reasons that I only want one, many of them are very unselfish, IMO.
i'm going to jump in and guess you're talking about more kids equaling a heavier burden on the (already way overtaxed) planet. what hurts me the most is when i see my otherwise very socially responsible friends having to sacrifice ideals (organic food, not shopping at walmart, driving a smaller car) because their families have outgrown their means. i *know* they've made the mental connection too. i just wish more people would stop and consider that *before* #2 or 3 (or more) comes along.
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#686 of 1646 Old 07-19-2008, 11:27 AM
 
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i'm going to jump in and guess you're talking about more kids equaling a heavier burden on the (already way overtaxed) planet. what hurts me the most is when i see my otherwise very socially responsible friends having to sacrifice ideals (organic food, not shopping at walmart, driving a smaller car) because their families have outgrown their means. i *know* they've made the mental connection too. i just wish more people would stop and consider that *before* #2 or 3 (or more) comes along.
Yep, that is certainly one reason, especially for DH. I don't often bring this up because so many people think it's nonsense.
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#687 of 1646 Old 07-19-2008, 12:12 PM
 
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Yep, that is certainly one reason, especially for DH. I don't often bring this up because so many people think it's nonsense.
Gah! I don't think it's nonsense! Why would it be nonsense?
I'm enjoying the higher gas prices, living more locally and all of the movement that is starting to go along with it, even in the mainstream. Of course, that is here in Vancouver. I think that having children requires faith in the abundance of the world and/or a higher power. For me it does, anyway. At the moment, I don't have a lot of faith in the world's ability to sustain infinite numbers of people consuming at a high level.

That said, the more practical reason we are not having another is the fact that dh really, really hated the physical health issues and the sleep deprivation of the first year and a half. I grieve for that, because I wish that he felt positive about the experience of having the first one. Then we would be able to have a discussion about issues like the one above and decide whether to have another child. For us, my dh's capacity for dealing with chaos is the limiting factor.

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#688 of 1646 Old 07-20-2008, 07:50 PM
 
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it's certainly not nonsense but, aside from in here, i feel like it's seriously taboo to discuss. and it breaks my heart to see people trying to eat local, be green, etc etc but it never occurs to them to stop having kids. just because the eggs are there does not mean they're all supposed to be fertilized! :
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#689 of 1646 Old 07-21-2008, 09:52 AM
 
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it's certainly not nonsense but, aside from in here, i feel like it's seriously taboo to discuss. and it breaks my heart to see people trying to eat local, be green, etc etc but it never occurs to them to stop having kids. just because the eggs are there does not mean they're all supposed to be fertilized! :
I know I get the big eyeroll whenever I suggest it - people think it's flaky garbage. I mean, I'm still the bad mommy for not giving ds a sibling yet, forget about saving the planet! Ds need a playmate, dammit!!

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#690 of 1646 Old 07-21-2008, 01:46 PM
 
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I know I get the big eyeroll whenever I suggest it - people think it's flaky garbage. I mean, I'm still the bad mommy for not giving ds a sibling yet, forget about saving the planet! Ds need a playmate, dammit!!

Yes, that's the word. People automatically assume I'm some wacky, out-there environmentalist when I bring it up. I mean, I do consider myself an environmentalist, but somehow the idea that you consider your reproductive choices in those terms just comes across as crazy to most people.
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Child , Sibling Issues In Foster Care And Adoption A Bulletin For Professionals , Sibling Stories Reflections On Life With A Brother Or Sister On The Autism Spectrum

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