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#1 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 01:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We have been blessed to have our 3 1/2 year old DS but conceiving more children are not in the cards for us.

I hoped to find others who are in the same boat.

There is so much outside pressure to adopt, try every drug under the sun, and . DH and I are at the point where we know only one is all we are to have.

Those of you with one know what I mean. I also find sometimes the issues that we face are a little different than those with 2 or more children. A child who does not have to share toys regularly with a sibling, who does not have to share attention of mom and dad with anyone else, and the concerns of making sure they are not overly spoiled .

I find it hard when sharing to parents of multiple children. So I'd like to connect with some in my same boat.
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#2 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 02:20 PM
 
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Hi! My DS is also an only and also 3.5. While we are not infertile (yet anyway. DH is getting a vasectomy tomorrow!), we get lots of pressure to have another child. We are very happy with our family of 3.

I find I often don't have too much in common with my friends in my mom's group, even though we share the same parenting philosophies. They always tell me how nice it must be to only have one (especially since he goes to preschool, though I pulled him out for a month because he's pretty sensitive, and some of the older kids have really been hurting his feelings). It seems like they think I'm pretty odd for not wanting more.

We never really planned out how many kids we were going to have...we just said, Let's have a baby!, you know? As it turned out, my child was not a sleeper, a little more spirited, nursed a long time, etc. By the time I was getting enough sleep (he was 3 before he slept through the night), he had weaned and potty trained. We just didn't feel the need to go through it all again. Our family size is perfect for us.
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#3 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 02:43 PM
 
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Hello! Denali is 3.5 and she is an only. I was up for having two children, but my husband was iffy about having kids at all, so we comprimised on having one. Aaron got a vasectomy in November. I actually feel really good about having an only child, though all our families are hugely dissapointed. I think MIL prays nightly for DH's vasectomy to fail : .
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#4 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi! We are very happy with our family of 3.

I find I often don't have too much in common with my friends in my mom's group, even though we share the same parenting philosophies. They always tell me how nice it must be to only have one

Our family size is perfect for us.


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I actually feel really good about having an only child.
We too are happy with our family of 3. I so relate about not having much in common with the moms group. In my case there are fertility issues and so when people say "it must be nice to have one" I respond, well your blessed that you could have more than one.

Having one has its own set of work; folks with more than one think its all breezy for us. What they don't see is that we are often the sole entertainers for our children; with siblings they often play together and entertain themselves.

I love that I don't have to think about a huge vehicle to transport our family for day-to-day activities.

I also feel bad because I tend to lack empathy with some of my friends who have chosen to have more children and then complain about how hard or difficult it is.
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#5 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:18 PM
 
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Just noticed this Tribe and wanted to post...we have a DD who will be one in two weeks. And, EVERYONE tells us..."Oh, you'll want another soon." They tell us not to make any decisions in the first year.

I always wonder how nice it must be to know SO much about other people's lives and family's.

OK, rant over

Anyway, we have always planned on just having one child. (I was an only and thought it was great!) We were married 9 years before even TTC. Well, I got pregnant after 2 weeks of TTC and now we have our little Devin.

She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture...us!

I look forward to chatting and sharing with you ladies...as an only myself, I can answer lots of questions about what it means and feels to be an "only."

There are many benefit and some drawbacks.

Shannon
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#6 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:22 PM
 
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I love that I don't have to think about a huge vehicle to transport our family for day-to-day activities.

I also feel bad because I tend to lack empathy with some of my friends who have chosen to have more children and then complain about how hard or difficult it is.

Too true about the car....

And, I SO hear you on your last point. I remember an old routine by Bill Cosby. He said having one child wasn't really being a parent!! Of course, he was doing a comedy routine and I do see how difficult it would be policing the sibling rivalry issues. BUT, having one does have it's own challenges.

Sometimes I worry because I HAVE to get it right the first time!
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#7 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture...us!

I look forward to chatting and sharing with you ladies...as an only myself, I can answer lots of questions about what it means and feels to be an "only."

There are many benefit and some drawbacks.

Shannon
Thanks for writing Shannon, I needed the above words today. It is our 9th Anniversary today and preserving and nurturing us is important as well. The other reasons are so true for us as well.
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#8 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:32 PM
 
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Thanks for writing Shannon, I needed the above words today. It is our 9th Anniversary today and preserving and nurturing us is important as well. The other reasons are so true for us as well.
: : : : :

Congratulations! What an accomplishment. Enjoy your family today. Any special plans?
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#9 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:40 PM
 
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DD is 4.5 years old and an only. When she was 16 months old, DH and I made the choice to not have more because of the many health issues I was having and needed fixed. We felt our family to be complete then, and even more so now. I do feel like I dont have a say around people who chose to have more than one child. As if my life is just simple and carefree so I could never have an opinion abotu anything else.

We too get a lot of people pushing us to adopt. Not my dad (the only grandparent) but usually people outside of our family and friends. I think adoption is a great idea for some people, but it is not for us. I also get sick of people throwing in my face how I was an only, so I should understnad why DD should not be one. : Yes, I can say how it was hard at times being an only, but I can also look back and see all the opportunities I had becuase I was an only, that all my friends with siblings could only dream about. Our family of 3 is just perfect! There is no need to plan for 'if we have another is this house/car big enough.' if we have another is our income big enough. can i homeschool 2 kids. can we still provide opportunities for 2 kids like we can for 1. I like how it is just us, and the more and more Chloe grows, the more and more certain of our choice.
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#10 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=devster4fun;7815646Any special plans?[/QUOTE]

DH just called and said lets go to dinner. So I get to pick the place. Thinking Thai!
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#11 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:47 PM
 
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mmmmmmmmmmm.....Pad Thai.............
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#12 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:49 PM
 
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mmmmmmmmmmm.....Pad Thai.............
you read my mind! i should make some soon.
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#13 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:52 PM
 
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I love to cook, but have never made it. DH is not a Thai fan and actually doesn't like pasta all that much. Me OTOH, I can eat...like...a huge bowl of noodles.

Well, not any more since I started Weight Watchers 8 weeks ago.

Gotta lose this baby weight.

Hey, at least I only have to lose it ONCE!!!! Yet another benefit of an only child.
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#14 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 04:53 PM
 
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Guess which only child is up from her nap.

Talk to you all later. Great to find this thread and get chatting.

I'm often on in the evenings after DD goes to sleep.

Enjoy yourselves
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#15 of 1646 Old 04-11-2007, 06:04 PM
 
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Hi there ladies! DD is 5 months and destined to be an only. DH and I agree that we are happy with one child. DH is an only and I have 2 much older sisters so I didn't have a lot of sibling interaction growing up. I was an aunt at 7 so I had more interaction with my nephews than my sisters! Honestly, DH and I both turned out fine I think we will be able to provide more for one and I know I won't lament the extra sleep I will get when she is older and I don't have another baby. We haven't heard anything about "the next one" yet but DD is still young. I am sure it will come up later.
Happy anniversary Jojo!
BTW, thai food sounds yummy!
And yay for only having to lose baby weight once!

11/06 and 1/09 :
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#16 of 1646 Old 04-12-2007, 12:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Welcome everyone!

Update, we did not go out for Thai for our anniversary.
We did a microbrew restaurant instead. We homebrew so it is always fun to taste other beer.

I was thankful for all the posts yesterday and it did encourage me a lot about having only our DS.

Last night at dinner we were talking about future trips we'd like to take, and things we want to do as a family. I know if we had more we would not have the time our $resources to do such things.
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#17 of 1646 Old 04-12-2007, 12:57 PM
 
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We have a 17 year old only. She has always been pretty independant though, even when she was little. I'd wake up and she would be on the floor playing quietly while I'd been still sleeping I don't think we have any anything special to keep her from being "spoiled". Dh is an only and I have siblings but none close in age. We didn't plan it this way. When I was young I thought I wanted 4 kids. But when I got pg with her I just had this feeling that she would be an only even though I had planned on having another right away.

We never got pressure from family or friends to have more. Which was nice. And I like quiet, we have friends with a big multigenerational household where the kids are all really loud and boisterous and it gives me a headache. If it works for others that is cool. But I am highly sensitive to the energy of a place and too much competing noise is really annoying for me. So it worked out best for us in the end.
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#18 of 1646 Old 04-12-2007, 04:36 PM
 
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My son is two and probably will be an only child. We are not quite ready to finalize the decision, but at this point we feel about 90% sure. My partner is an only and loved it. I have one younger brother, and although we get along well now, when we were kids I often felt he was annoying and in the way!

One thing we like about having just one is that we feel able to parent the way we think is best, instead of making compromises because we don't have the resources (time, energy, money, hands...) to do these things for multiple kids at once.

I recommend the book Maybe One by Bill McKibben to anyone who is struggling with pressure to have more children. It debunks a lot of the myths about onlies and gives lots of good arguments for stopping at one.

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#19 of 1646 Old 04-12-2007, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I recommend the book Maybe One by Bill McKibben to anyone who is struggling with pressure to have more children. It debunks a lot of the myths about onlies and gives lots of good arguments for stopping at one.
Thanks, for the book recommendation. I'm going to see if our library has it. Like to hear things that debunk the myths.
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#20 of 1646 Old 04-12-2007, 08:02 PM
 
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My DD is almost 7 months and we only want one child. I get the "youll change your mind" all the time. Mainly because people say that she needs someone to play with and keep her company. Thats what mamas is for! jk but she has plenty of cousins all different ages that live close by and we visit regularly.
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#21 of 1646 Old 04-12-2007, 08:07 PM
 
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Well, not any more since I started Weight Watchers 8 weeks ago.

Gotta lose this baby weight.

Hey, at least I only have to lose it ONCE!!!! Yet another benefit of an only child.
:
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#22 of 1646 Old 04-12-2007, 08:49 PM
 
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I was just thinking about the comment from people about how we will change our mind about just wanting one.

What if I turned it around? Like, well....you'll probably change your mind about having 3 and put 2 up for adoption. It's ludacris.

One of the things I've had to get used to, is all the comments and suggestions we get from friends, family and complete strangers. :
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#23 of 1646 Old 04-13-2007, 01:01 PM
 
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One of the things I've had to get used to, is all the comments and suggestions we get from friends, family and complete strangers.
A woman in my church came up to me at someone's FUNERAL and demanded to know whether I was pregnant again yet because, "You CAN'T make him an only child! He'll be a brat! He'll never learn consideration for others!" I think my son has more consideration for others than this woman, who is the 4th of 5 kids. :

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#24 of 1646 Old 04-14-2007, 01:00 PM
 
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I just stumbled upon this, but I wanted to join in. DS is almost 4 and we're about 85-90% sure he's going to be an only. DS has cerebral palsy, so there's a lot of issues at play. We do occupational, speech, and physical therapies, and see many specialists including a neurologist, orthopedist, and endocrinologist. I'm on the road a lot! To us, there's the financial aspect of having another child (can we afford it?) and then there's the questions that I really have no answer for. How would a new baby affect DS's life? Would a new baby grow up and resent how much attention DS has to get from us? Some of our family (okay, really DH's family ) pester me all the time about having more children. They really have no idea what it's like for me. And above all, it pisses me off that everyone seems to think they can stick their noses in MY family planning. I've heard it all...he'll be spoiled, he won't be able to interact with other children, he'll be all alone if something happens to us, etc.

What I do know is that DS is a bright, loving, funny, beautiful boy and he's the absolute delight in my life.
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#25 of 1646 Old 04-16-2007, 11:14 AM
 
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Just found this forum and wanted to join in. My DS is 5 and we are happy being a family of 3. My DH and I decided when Luke was only a few months old that we were happy with one. Some people talk about feeling a void and just know that someone is missing from their family. I have never felt that void and am very content to have only one child.

People ask us all the time (especially now that Luke is going to kindergarten) when we will have another or say that it is time to have another, but I am not going to have another child just to make other people happy. I don't really understand why others feel the need to butt in all the time and give their two cents. They just don't understand that we are happy with our decision. I guess they think it is weird, but I don't.

I love the comment about only having to lose the baby weight once. I feel like I need to get my act together and lose the weight that I have been hanging onto for 5 years. Can't imagine if I had more kids!!

I am glad there is a forum here for only children. Makes me feel like I am not the only one that feels this way.

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#26 of 1646 Old 04-16-2007, 12:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Welcome Tarheelbaby & Hopeelise

Also thought now that we've got a few folks on this thread we could introduce ourselves a bit more: where we live, interests & hobbies, etc.

I'm a SAHM, a wellness consultant, and love to cook, travel, read, and would like to get back into quiltling and also learn to knit.

We'll be camping a lot this summer since we live in Colorado - we're East of Boulder and North of Denver with a great view of the mountains. We've lived here nearly 4 years and prior to that I lived in Philadelphia or its surrounding areas.
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#27 of 1646 Old 04-16-2007, 01:21 PM
 
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Wanted to let you know that there is a big Moms of Onlies tribe here. It hasn't been active lately though, so maybe we should combine forces!

We've got a wonderful, hilarious, musical, animal-loving, nature boy who turned 7 a couple months ago. The older our son gets, the more comfortable we are being a family of three. We're all happy with our family size!

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#28 of 1646 Old 04-16-2007, 01:27 PM
 
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I'm new to this thread, but so glad I found it. DH and I aren't entirely sure what we want yet, but the idea of sticking to just one is becoming more and more appealing. We originally thought we wanted two, so I'm constantly surprised that I tend to think only of negatives rather than positives when I contemplate having another. I finally realized that I think a large part of that is due to the fact that I will always work full-time. It wouldn't matter if we won the lottery tomorrow -- I would still work. I teach 7th and 8th grade, and teaching fulfills me in a way that other things don't -- the same way that being a mom fulfills me in a way that other things don't -- so I just don't see myself giving that up. Of course, the thing about teaching full-time is that it's draining and I'm with kids all day long, so sometimes I (and DH too since he is also a teacher) feel like DD gets the short end of the stick because I'm just DONE with kids by 4 or 5 in the afternoon. If we had another, there would be even less of us to go around -- DD and #2 would each get less attention -- DH and I would both be even more tired and drained, and quite frankly, I think it would make me a pretty unhappy person. I always thought I wanted two, but now I just don't know, and when I look around at school and see how many teachers only have one child of their own, I totally get it. DH and I both thrive on calm, and since it is never, ever calm at school, we try to reclaim that at home and during vacations. We're both such introverts that having quiet alone time is what rejuvenates us, and again, I foresee a lot less of that if we had two. We're not making any decisions yet and biologically speaking, I have a good 5-7 years to decide, but when I think of having just one, it seems appealing. When I think of having another, I think of chaos. I don't think I have it in me to sacrifice my personal happiness for another child just so that DD would have a sibling, especially since there are no guarantees they'll love each other and get along well when they're older. And, man, what if we had another baby just like my spirited DD? Another high-needs-milk-allergy-non-sleeping-sick-all-the-time-high-energy kid? I mean, I love her to pieces and wouldn't change anything about her (OK, not true -- I'd make her a better sleeper) but I just don't think I could bring myself to do that all over again. There isn't enough of a desire for another to balance out the difficulties of it all. Plus, we don't have any local family to fall back on, so it's hard to get a break.

DH is thinking pretty much along the same lines about this stuff, and we just figure we'll coast along as we are and see if the desire to have another strikes us sometimes, but I don't know if it will. I am completely surprised by that, but that's what it seems to be. If we never have another, I do think I'd be sorry that I never get to be pregnant and give birth again, but those are fleeting things, whereas raising a child is a lifelong committment.

Anyways, that's my story! I'm so glad I found this thread!
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#29 of 1646 Old 04-16-2007, 01:28 PM
 
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#30 of 1646 Old 04-16-2007, 02:03 PM
 
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Some people talk about feeling a void and just know that someone is missing from their family.
I felt that way until I had my child. Now I feel our family is complete.

I WOH as data manager of a social science research study. I enjoy my work and feel I'm a better mama because I have regular intervals of time when I can focus on something other than motherhood and utilize other aspects of myself.

I'm also a Girl Scout leader, environmentalist, amateur photographer, and game enthusiast--I don't play computer games or the really involved stuff like D&D, but I like many card and board and pyramid games.

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