My MIL pulled something like this on ds on our last visit and it gave me a bit of a glimpse into WHY she and dh aren't on good terms (other than this she's been on her best behavior with me and ds, apparently). She asked ds for a kiss and when he refused, she began to plead and finally wound up by saying, "pleeeeez, Gramma will cry if you don't give her a kiss."
I mumbled something like, "that's okay, he's tired" and we left the room and had a simmilar chit-chat, "you don't ever ever have to kiss anyone if you don't want to. . ."
If anyone ever said anything like that to my son or any children I have anything to do with, they'd be very lucky if all they got was a verbal reply from me. My gut instinct is to punch them in the face. Perhaps that's a little extreme, but I remember being that age and feeling so helpless against anyone older than I was. People who manipulate children in this way have the potential to do a great deal more damage to them, in my experience. I will always stand up for my child's right to physical autonomy, and I will teach him to do the same.
My daughter is only 7 months old, but this has me thinking of something, and I wonder if it's the same thing or completely different. My SIL has a 2-year-old, and from the time he was about 12 or 15 months, whenever they left, she'd say to him, "Give grandma a kiss goodbye," and he'd do it. Then "Give grandpa a kiss," and he'd do it. And they had him kiss me and my husband as well. Is this the same kind of forced affection, or is it just a way to teach kids to be affectionate to their grandparents (and in our case, to their aunt and uncle as well)? It seems to me that they're doing it more for the adults' benefit, not the child's. I've been wavering about whether I'll do this with my daughter or not. And if I did it, it would only be with grandparents.) I kind of lean toward NOT doing it. My step-mother and her relatives kiss everybody as soon as they walk in the door, even if they saw you just yesterday, and I can't STAND it. So I don't want to make my daughter do this either.
|Originally posted by oceanbaby
I am glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this is incredibly inappropriate, disrespectful, manipulative and dangerous! ... It really makes me shudder to think of kids that are forced to "be polite" in situations like this.
ACK!!! I'm with all of you, here. It is incredibly disrespectful of a child to MAKE them hug or kiss someone they obviously don't want to...NOT TO MENTION the maniuplation there! OMG, my stomack is rolling...and it isn't the baby!
Sometimes I will see someone I know in the store and my son will not say A WORD (which is really unusual). I will always pay attention to that.
Thank you for the reminder that children are better raised being HONORED as well as SEEN and HEARD!
And speaking of creating abused kids, her d(amn)h molested all 5 of their kids! So, yeah, I can see how forced affection will create kids who are easily abused. He's passed on now, so I don't have to worry about him hurting ds.
Circumcision is wrong, regardless of gender
It doesn't sound like quite the same thing in y our situation. from the sounds of it the child is not protesting. If he were and were being forced to do it anyway that would be wrong. I don't think it is wrong to ask someone to be effectionate to you (sad but not wrong). The problem with this sort of thing is that they will lack senserity as adults. My cousins are like this. E. goes around giving everyone these fake hugs everytime she leaves. It is just annoying. Her sister gives everyoine a hug before she leaves but you can tell it is because she really like you. E. is just doing what she always does and what she has been taught to do. It is kinda wierd.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
After I said it, I realized that SIL has been molested. No wonder MIL was a little pale.
That said, my MIL forces small hugs out of dd when dd is done being held by her. DD will indicate a desire to get done and MIL will squeeze a hug out of her before she LETS her down. It drives me crazy, but it is not quite big enough of long enough to actually say something. FIL does though. He says "let her go already." Thanks FIL. He says that, though, because he knows that MIL is desperate for affection from DD and he recognizes that she'll just push dd away by coming on to strong. I have never found a good opening to talk about dd's autonomy over her own body. Perhaps I'll use one of the phrases I tend to use with DD, "I am concerned because I see....
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