"Give me a kiss if you want the ball" - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-16-2003, 03:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is what dh's cousin said to ds tonight as we were leaving. Ds had never met him before (he lives in another country but is here visiting). As we were leaving, ds was throwing his ball around. The cousin picks it up, and starts telling ds that he can only have it back if he gives him a kiss. I was appalled! Ds just stared at him, and I said "Good for you - you don't ever have to give anyone a kiss if you don't want to", thinking that this would give him the clue to let it go and give the friggin ball back. But then cousin kept saying it, and ds was getting upset. So I picked ds up and said "Let's go get your ball - you don't have to kiss anyone," and he still kept at it! I finally got the ball back and gave it to ds and he walked away. I just couldn't believe that an adult would say that to a 2 year old, especially one that he has never met before! I was really trying not to be rude, but geez, how mean and manipulative is that?
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Old 06-16-2003, 03:50 AM
 
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Shudder. . .

My MIL pulled something like this on ds on our last visit and it gave me a bit of a glimpse into WHY she and dh aren't on good terms (other than this she's been on her best behavior with me and ds, apparently). She asked ds for a kiss and when he refused, she began to plead and finally wound up by saying, "pleeeeez, Gramma will cry if you don't give her a kiss."

I mumbled something like, "that's okay, he's tired" and we left the room and had a simmilar chit-chat, "you don't ever ever have to kiss anyone if you don't want to. . ."
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Old 06-16-2003, 09:49 AM
 
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MAn, that sounds like most of my IL family, espeically dh grandparents
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Old 06-16-2003, 10:56 AM
 
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I amazed that these people do not see the problem with this???
I hope they get educated!
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Old 06-16-2003, 11:08 AM
 
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Do these people not realize they are creating future sex abuse victims???? UGH!!!
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Old 06-16-2003, 01:14 PM
 
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I have to tell you that this post brings back some very creepy and painful memories for me. I can't believe that there are still people who think that behavior like this is appropriate with children.

If anyone ever said anything like that to my son or any children I have anything to do with, they'd be very lucky if all they got was a verbal reply from me. My gut instinct is to punch them in the face. Perhaps that's a little extreme, but I remember being that age and feeling so helpless against anyone older than I was. People who manipulate children in this way have the potential to do a great deal more damage to them, in my experience. I will always stand up for my child's right to physical autonomy, and I will teach him to do the same.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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Old 06-16-2003, 02:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this is incredibly inappropriate, disrespectful, manipulative and dangerous! The moment he said it, my mind just flashed years ahead to times when I might not be around and the neighbor tells ds he can have a cookie if he gives him a kiss or something incredibly creepy like that. It made me so angry! The entire family was standing there watching it (MIL, FIL, SIL, dh) but there was no way I was going to let this big bully steal ds's ball and then try to force physical contact. It really makes me shudder to think of kids that are forced to "be polite" in situations like this.
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Old 06-16-2003, 04:30 PM
 
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Oh my gosh, that's so creepy. I hope you never let this cousin be anywhere near your child(ren?) unsupervised. Good thing he lives out of the country.

My daughter is only 7 months old, but this has me thinking of something, and I wonder if it's the same thing or completely different. My SIL has a 2-year-old, and from the time he was about 12 or 15 months, whenever they left, she'd say to him, "Give grandma a kiss goodbye," and he'd do it. Then "Give grandpa a kiss," and he'd do it. And they had him kiss me and my husband as well. Is this the same kind of forced affection, or is it just a way to teach kids to be affectionate to their grandparents (and in our case, to their aunt and uncle as well)? It seems to me that they're doing it more for the adults' benefit, not the child's. I've been wavering about whether I'll do this with my daughter or not. And if I did it, it would only be with grandparents.) I kind of lean toward NOT doing it. My step-mother and her relatives kiss everybody as soon as they walk in the door, even if they saw you just yesterday, and I can't STAND it. So I don't want to make my daughter do this either.
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Old 06-16-2003, 04:43 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by oceanbaby
I am glad to know that I'm not the only one who thinks this is incredibly inappropriate, disrespectful, manipulative and dangerous! ... It really makes me shudder to think of kids that are forced to "be polite" in situations like this.

ACK!!! I'm with all of you, here. It is incredibly disrespectful of a child to MAKE them hug or kiss someone they obviously don't want to...NOT TO MENTION the maniuplation there! OMG, my stomack is rolling...and it isn't the baby!

Sometimes I will see someone I know in the store and my son will not say A WORD (which is really unusual). I will always pay attention to that.

Thank you for the reminder that children are better raised being HONORED as well as SEEN and HEARD!

^^Liss
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Old 06-16-2003, 05:01 PM
 
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My dh's grandmother always tries to make my ds kiss and hug her. I just tell her he will hug her when he is ready. And guess what? He never is because she is always forcing it. I usually spend the whole visit as defensive guard because she won't back off.

And speaking of creating abused kids, her d(amn)h molested all 5 of their kids! So, yeah, I can see how forced affection will create kids who are easily abused. He's passed on now, so I don't have to worry about him hurting ds.

Momma to three fine children, one that lives in my heart and two that live in my arms.
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Old 06-16-2003, 05:19 PM
 
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Corvus

It doesn't sound like quite the same thing in y our situation. from the sounds of it the child is not protesting. If he were and were being forced to do it anyway that would be wrong. I don't think it is wrong to ask someone to be effectionate to you (sad but not wrong). The problem with this sort of thing is that they will lack senserity as adults. My cousins are like this. E. goes around giving everyone these fake hugs everytime she leaves. It is just annoying. Her sister gives everyoine a hug before she leaves but you can tell it is because she really like you. E. is just doing what she always does and what she has been taught to do. It is kinda wierd.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 06-18-2003, 01:04 AM
 
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I just made a point of telling IL's that when Dd says NO to kisses, we do not kiss her. Because she needs to learn that she has a say in the matter and when she says NO to kisses or other physical affection, she can expect the demand to be respected. I explained how this would serve her in years to come.

After I said it, I realized that SIL has been molested. No wonder MIL was a little pale.
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Old 06-18-2003, 01:39 AM
 
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Corvus: I ask dd if she wants to give a kiss or hug, as well as, "do you want to wave bye-bye." She hasn't yet, but if she were to balk at the suggestion, I'd tell her okay and move on, and not the the adult force the issue.

That said, my MIL forces small hugs out of dd when dd is done being held by her. DD will indicate a desire to get done and MIL will squeeze a hug out of her before she LETS her down. It drives me crazy, but it is not quite big enough of long enough to actually say something. FIL does though. He says "let her go already." Thanks FIL. He says that, though, because he knows that MIL is desperate for affection from DD and he recognizes that she'll just push dd away by coming on to strong. I have never found a good opening to talk about dd's autonomy over her own body. Perhaps I'll use one of the phrases I tend to use with DD, "I am concerned because I see....
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