Parents of 2 or more - convince me to go for it! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 06-16-2003, 02:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Dh and I both know that we want another baby, but we're having a hard time deciding when. Ds is 2, and I always thought that about 3 years difference would be good. But I am so in love with the beautiful little family unit that we have going right now that I am afraid to disturb it! I really think ds would love having a sibling, and I know I want at least 2 kids, and I don't want to wait until ds is 4 or 5, but I am so afraid of the extra work, of missing out on my one on one time with ds, and as I mentioned already, messing up this perfect little family that we have right now. And I admit, the thought of having another baby almost makes me feel like I'm betraying ds! I can't explain it better than that - it makes me feel like I'm cheating on him or something. Is that totally bizarre?

Every time I get up the nerve to go for it, I chicken out when I think of how much I love my life with just ds right now. I am so ready to be talked into this. Help!
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#2 of 9 Old 06-16-2003, 05:48 AM
 
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I think that all of your apprehensions are normal. I'm pregnant with #3 at the moment, and there are times that I look at my two girls and think - why am I adding to this? Our family is great just the way it is.

Then I remember - I felt exactly the same way when pregnant with dd2 (i.e., I couldn't imagine having another child and loving it as much as dd1)...and now I couldn't imagine not having dd2, you know?

My girls are close, but I have a friend who has 3 - with 3 year gaps between them. And she loves it. The 3 year old is old enough that they aren't too dependent, yet are young enough that it's easier for them to adjust to a new baby than it would be for an older child. Two children is more work, but think back - can't you remember how wonderful a brand new baby is?!

All of that said, you have to do what is right/best for you and your family. It is hard for a child to adjust to a sibling - there are inevitably going to be jealousy issues, etc. But I believe strongly that it is a worth-while adjustment for the child to make...my two girls love each other and play together all the time. At ages 3.5 years and 2 years old, I think that (at times) it is easier with 2 than it would be with one, as they do entertain each other very well.

Good luck with your decision! It's always scary, and there are always fears...but if it's something you want to do, it will be worth it, I promise!
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#3 of 9 Old 06-16-2003, 08:17 AM
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Oceanbaby, I had to look twice to make sure it was you and not me who sent that post. I'm in the SAME boat!! You said it perfectly. Can't wait to read your replies.
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#4 of 9 Old 06-16-2003, 10:08 AM
 
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Well I have three kids, my third being born 11 & 8 years after the first two! At that time I really thought we were done (even though i alwasy wanted "one more"). The older my other two got, the less i wanted to go back to diapers, endless endless breastfeeding, sleepless nights....

Then I found out i was pregnant and felt both excited and upset! i felt I would be stuck in the toddler pool for 20 years...well he is here, he is 5 now, and he is just the best thing that has ever happened to me and our family. he is just the cutest boy, with blonde hair and blue eyes (in a family of italians and dark polish) and he fits right in. None of that fear and crap "oh, he'll grow up like an only child"...i am so glad he came to us. I even want to squeak one more in....but at 37 i have to make up my mind, dh is against 4. but maybe, God willing, an "accident" will happen and I'll get pregnant!

That said, I would wait a bit if you are ambivilant about #3. It cant hurt. enjoy the family you have now. You'll know what to do and when to do it!
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#5 of 9 Old 06-16-2003, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your replies. I am still undecided, but leaning heavily in the direction of TTC very soon. Dh is ready to go whenever I am.

But then I have a night like last night with ds up and crying and kicking and thrashing and I think that there is no possible way I could do this while pregnant and with a newborn.

Please continue to share your experiences, and what your fears/apprehensions were when deciding to have a 2nd. It helps so much to hear from other moms.
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#6 of 9 Old 06-16-2003, 07:51 PM
 
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My two girls are 18 months apart and they love each other. They play together and I really don't know what they would do without each other.
I wanted to say also that having a younger sibling helps build character I think. Nothing against single child families at all here, but I just think one benefit of more than one child is that the oldest gets to learn to be a helper and a leader. There are, of course, many chances and ways in life to learn this, but I just love watching my older dd nurture my younger dd. They are now 3 and 1 1/2. My 3 year old is so responible it seems (at times) in the way she watches out for her sister. The other day, for example, we were all walking through the WalMart parking lot to our car and this couple was walking near us and started complimenting them, especially the baby. Well Serra, my three year old, put her arm around Hero, the baby, and sort of led her a bit away from the couple and nearer to us, in a protective way. There was no threat to them but she felt the need to protect and did it. It was just so sweet.
So, I say go for it! There will be so many sweet moments in it.
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#7 of 9 Old 06-16-2003, 08:42 PM
 
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Just posted in another thread that dd said, while leaving with dh and I after playing with a family of three kids, "I want a whole family!" We have thought and talked about this a lot and have been pretty comfortable with "no more, at least not now." Then this.

However, she did then define a "whole family" as "Mama, Papa, and ME!"

I go back and forth and back and forth on this one. She such a social, nurturing little kid -- the kind who walks up to strangers, waves at them a bit, then gives them a big hug. I think how great it would be for her to have someone who is really "hers", who she can play with all the time and have intimacy with. But she is also rather high-needs -- I hesitate to write that because she is not classically high needs, and is a great kid with the amount of attention I give her, but I give her a LOT of attention. And if I don't give her that much attention, there are problems. I can't imagine how a new baby would fit in.

I know JUST what you mean about not messing with things. Why gild the lily? Things are so wonderful right now.

Then dh says, this one is so wonderful, how can we not make another one? (He feels it's my decision, ultimately, and is very supportive, but is slightly more towards having another than I am.)

Sigh.

It's a toughie.
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#8 of 9 Old 06-17-2003, 09:25 AM
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I remember worrying about this when I was pregnant with my second but, after my baby was born, I discovered that love is multiplied not divided!!!

Having a 3 or 4 year spacing *is* easier on the older sibling but if you are considerate of the needs of the older child even a closer spacing is fine!! (I've had my children anywhere from 2 to 5 years apart!)

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#9 of 9 Old 06-17-2003, 11:55 PM
 
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Oceanbaby, I have been following your threads on this matter closely because we have been going through making the same decision, with similar fears.

I ruminated almost constantly on when to pull out the IUD I had inserted at my 6 week postpartum visit. When Dd was sweet during the day, I'd either think another baby would be great, or would ruin our little moments. At night, when she would be all over me, climbing to nurse this side and that side, I'd worry that another baby would be impossible to manage.

But my day at the midwife's office came. She and Dh both gave me a chance to back out, but I hopped up on the table. I thought that once it was out I woudn't want Dh near me, but actually I couldn't wait to take my IUD free body for a test drive. Most of my fears have quieted and I feel suprisingly settled in the decision.

Dh and I talked about the "let's leave well enough alone - let's not tamper with success" viewpoint, but Dh pointed out that if we lived by that we never would have had Dd. And what a loss that would have been!

Some possibly irrational part of me says that if I get pregnant, things will work themselves out. It's what happened the first time!
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