FIL might be a pedophile - WWYD? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 73 Old 05-17-2007, 06:40 PM
 
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Absolutely positively trust your instincts Mama. The only thing I can think of is to schedule a visit with a marriage counselor to help facilitate a discussion between you & DH about stopping contact with your in-laws. I honestly would chose my child over my DH at this point...this is worth fighting for!

Hugs to you. You must feel so stressed.

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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#62 of 73 Old 05-17-2007, 07:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
I don't know if I would advocate divorce. The scary thing is that divorce could make it far worse. If her dh got partial or full custody, he'd get to visit his folks with the kids whenever he felt like it, without the OP there to intervene and protect them. I think I would recommend some kind of mediation, though. Not necessarily by a therapist, maybe clergy or a professional conflict resolution person would work too.
This is unfortunately true. At least during the marriage, the concerned partner still has some degree of control over the situation. If the husband is denying the problem, or doesn't think it's a big deal, he might very well leave the dc unsupervised with the FIL.
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#63 of 73 Old 05-17-2007, 07:52 PM
 
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I am probably coming into this way to late, but what if you used his drinking as an excuse for not wanting him around? That way you don't have to open the whole pedophile bag and he still goes away?

Single mom to twin boys ('06)
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#64 of 73 Old 05-18-2007, 04:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
WOAH! An even maybe Pedophile & my kid = NO contact, NO way...I don't give a flip if it IS supervised...no way, no how! Anyone offended in the family can bite me!
:

I'm a little surprised that the "horsey" and "touch my bellybutton" etc. are allowed to continue. Pedophiles are very VERY crafty and believe me they will get that touch in even with you standing right there. And don't you realize he is courting him? You are letting him court your son. I just, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are allowing a pedophile to touch your son's belly button? WHAT am I missing?????
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#65 of 73 Old 05-18-2007, 08:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Periwinkle View Post
:

I'm a little surprised that the "horsey" and "touch my bellybutton" etc. are allowed to continue. Pedophiles are very VERY crafty and believe me they will get that touch in even with you standing right there. And don't you realize he is courting him? You are letting him court your son. I just, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you are allowing a pedophile to touch your son's belly button? WHAT am I missing?????
Two things:

1. The moment she saw the bellybutton game, she immediately stopped it.

2. He hasn't been proven a pedophile.


His odd behavior has made her believe he may be, and with that knowledge, she is doing everything she can to protect her children.
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#66 of 73 Old 05-19-2007, 04:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by michellyn View Post
Two things:

1. The moment she saw the bellybutton game, she immediately stopped it.

2. He hasn't been proven a pedophile.


His odd behavior has made her believe he may be, and with that knowledge, she is doing everything she can to protect her children.
:
What michellyn said!
Please read all posts before making a judgement on the OP.
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#67 of 73 Old 05-19-2007, 03:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by michellyn View Post
Two things:

1. The moment she saw the bellybutton game, she immediately stopped it.

2. He hasn't been proven a pedophile.


His odd behavior has made her believe he may be, and with that knowledge, she is doing everything she can to protect her children.
Look, I'm not trying to jump on the case of the OP. I'm just saying, her son is in FREQUENT contact with someone she suspects is a pedophile. Most pedophiles are never "proven pedophiles" which is why we need to rely on our gut instincts and her gut instinct is saying, no SCREAMING at her that this man is a sexual predator and is specifically targeting HER SON! And yet.... it continues. The contact, the games, the visits... the COURTING/SEDUCTION. And I'm just trying to say to the OP, honey, trust your gut here and prohibit contact and cut off the games/seduction b.s.. PERIOD! End of story. I don't care how hard it is or whatever, you think you're vigilant but obviously pedophiles have way more tricks up their sleeves than you've ever dreamed of and the man has already succeeded in being with her son alone before and the bottom line is her dh isn't really on board with this from the sound of it so the responsibility rests on HER shoulders and hers alone. And I'd just step it up a notch or two and cut to the chase and stop it right this minute.
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#68 of 73 Old 05-19-2007, 03:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by polihaupt View Post
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What michellyn said!
Please read all posts before making a judgement on the OP.
I have read every single post and I stand by what I wrote above.
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#69 of 73 Old 05-19-2007, 05:25 PM
 
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As a survivior of horrible incest---I am hyper sensitive to these issues and your post was very well written with lots of good points--so print it out to take with you and confront the man....all I can say is use your instinct and shout it from the roof, better to tear a hundred families apart then to risk your son being damaged, and by all means start talking to your son about no touching etc....
Just lay it out for them: "Hey I feel really sickened and uncomfortable with all the inappropiate touching of my son, and I don't trust your judgement with all your drinking and feel you may have pedisickophile leanings, and until this feeling changes you cannot be alone with ....(insert name) and this I'm sure is upsetting for you to hear but believe me it's upsetting for me to feel this way too, but I have to trust my motherly instinct--and I would rather risk this relationship than my sons' wellbeing"

but like I said I was abused...no one wanted to rock the boat in my family either....and no one ever did, and I paid the price....
so I am pretty vehement about these issues

good luck ....
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#70 of 73 Old 05-19-2007, 07:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by monkeybum View Post
and wasn't it odd that his oldest brother has nothing to do with his dad? (He says it's for another reason, which is possible).
I say keep your son safe... you had those instincts for a reason. Also, maybe you could talk to the brother privately about your concerns, and see if he has anything to share.

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Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
I am going to echo everyone else.

The only, and I do mean only, responsibility you have, is to keep DS safe. You don't have to protect anyone's feelings, you don't have to answer anyone's questions. You just have to protect your child.
Yup

Mom to 7-year old DS1 carrot.gif, 2 year old DD joy.gifand DS2 surf.gif

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#71 of 73 Old 05-19-2007, 07:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Meikos View Post
As a survivior of horrible incest---I am hyper sensitive to these issues and your post was very well written with lots of good points--so print it out to take with you and confront the man....all I can say is use your instinct and shout it from the roof, better to tear a hundred families apart then to risk your son being damaged, and by all means start talking to your son about no touching etc....
Just lay it out for them: "Hey I feel really sickened and uncomfortable with all the inappropiate touching of my son, and I don't trust your judgement with all your drinking and feel you may have pedisickophile leanings, and until this feeling changes you cannot be alone with ....(insert name) and this I'm sure is upsetting for you to hear but believe me it's upsetting for me to feel this way too, but I have to trust my motherly instinct--and I would rather risk this relationship than my sons' wellbeing"

but like I said I was abused...no one wanted to rock the boat in my family either....and no one ever did, and I paid the price....
so I am pretty vehement about these issues

good luck ....
Yes... and the fact that so many mammas here are talking about their experiences shows that trying to preserve other people's feelings doesn't help. I agree with the poster above for similar reasons, and I say heck noooo... God forbid something were to happen, no amount of apologies in the world would take away the hurt and harm your kid will feel. Also, I say trusting your gut and being wrong is not all bad. Not trusting your gut and realizing that it was right could be horrible. In situations like this, some times your feelings and that prickly feeling on the back of your neck is stronger than we can put into words, and I say just keep your kid safe if your senses are saying that it is not safe. So if it is not safe... RUN away from that man.

Mom to 7-year old DS1 carrot.gif, 2 year old DD joy.gifand DS2 surf.gif

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#72 of 73 Old 05-21-2007, 01:45 AM
 
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This list:
-brought DS silver bracelets, shirts, etc. (and tries to get DS to take his shirt off so FIL can put the new shirt on). These were gifts from when he travels, he does not bring any of the other grandkids gifts, boy or girls.
- played horsey - getting DS to ride on his back (I saw on Oprah that this gets some pedophiles off b/c they feel the child's genitals on their back )
- always asks DS to sit on his lap, give him hugs, give him kisses, kissed DS on the cheek and head, says he'll cry if DS doesn't kiss him.
- asked to see DS belly button, touched it, asked DS to touch his, (this I walked up on in the living room and immediately put a stop to. MIL and DH were sitting right there. DH says he didn't notice. )
- he plays ball, does puzzles, etc. with DS. (DH and even MIL said they've never seen him play with a child in his life)
- put his arm around him while doing the puzzles, rub DS's back.
- asks DS to stay over, (DS has never slept away from home)
- asks DS to go for walks after dinner, but has no interest in any other grandchildren walking with him
- suddenly always comes for visits, spends most of the visit with DS,
- makes a point of driving MIL to see us or for outings that he has refused to be part of for the last 6 years
- asks MIL to phone us to get us to bring DS for a visit
- if DS won't hug him/sit on his lap, he grabs him and pulls him over (I HATE people who do this).

My dad does the samething, but to all his grandchildren, not only with my babies, he doesn't do horsey rides though(back problems) he doesn't rub our children's nexk or back or anything, he's just he typical loving and cuggly grandpa to all his grandchildren, that is what a normal grandparent do, you get what I mean???

I will never let my child with him if I where you, trust your instincts I do think he's a pedophile, I will don't even let my kid put a foot in that house.

BTW: I was searching google, I typed "how to recognize a pedophile" and in the 3rd link(I'm not posting it here) the page was made by a pedophile and their way of thinking, honestly I didn't even finish page 1, it was too gross.
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#73 of 73 Old 05-21-2007, 02:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OP here....Only 2 seconds to reply for now - babe is waking. Thank you mammas for all your words and support and sharing. No offense at all taken by anyone's passion/strong feelings on staying far away from this man...but FYI it only just "clicked" at our second last visit that I should be concerned, (then I started to think back to all the scenarios that on some level had made me uncomfortable, but that I hadn't connected until then). At our last visit my concerns were confirmed, which is when I really realized what I thought was going on, (that FIL was grooming DS and that there was a real risk that FIL is a pedophile). Since then I've allowed no contact.

I'm sharing this b/c I didn't want it to seem like I allowed this all to continue while I thought there was something fishy going on. Honestly, I didn't really tie it to anything other than "that's weird". Then the last two visits were more "touchy feely" than normal and something in me clicked and I wanted DS as far away from this man as possible, which is how it will stay. (Actually, it was while watching the Pedophile episode of Oprah that when they went through the checklist, it really clicked in my brain that FIL had all the signs - thank you Oprah for opening my eyes!).

DH and I have decided to go with the approach of "this is not the kind of man we want spending time with our children, as a role model etc. because he is abusive, drinker, etc." rather than an outright accusation of pedophilia. Everyone in the family agrees that he is abusive, a drinker, etc. so there should be no trouble with them accepting this. I think this can accomplish the same thing - no relationship w FIL and my boys, (however DH is still not 100% convinced on how this will work - may go to counseling to discuss - he thinks supervised visits and telling FIL no touching our sons will work; I know he will not say that to his dad when it comes down to it, instead he'll be wishy washy, kind of pull DS away, etc., but he DOES agree that it will be very hard to always supervise every second, that abuse can happen even when we're there and I think he's almost at the point to agree to "no contact at all" - meaning FIL is not welcome in our home and we will only visit MIL when FIL is not there. I can see in DH's eyes that he believes it is true, but that he doesn't want to so he is still hesitant to cause a "rift" in the family. But I will fight for my boys safety and will ensure there is no contact, with DH's support or not. I can't see him fighting me so our boys can have a relationship with a man he hates. :

Wish me luck mammas, and thank you all for your support. I really appreciate the opinions, it helps keep my determination!!! I was "abused" by my cousin when I was a young girl, but I had repressed these memories until recently, (I had always thought "something" had happened to me as a girl, but didn't know what. Long story for another time...the memories did come back recently, but I don't feel "bad" about it, he didn't do anything that physically hurt, my only memories are of it feeling good and actually wanting it to happen b/c it felt good, but knowing it was wrong so feeling guilty). So it's good for me to hear that it IS A VERY BAD THING, b/c on some level - just b/c of my personal experience - I wasn't seeing the need to cut off contact as so urgent. I almost thought I should watch more and make sure there is really a risk before causing a "rukus". However, I have learned more and I know that for many, it is terrible and I don't ever want my boys hurt even in a tiny way.

So thank you for sharing your experiences and remining me that even if we are not sure there is a problem, it is not worth taking that risk!
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