Is this a big deal, or am I making it one? - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-03-2007, 03:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am not sure where to post this exactly... there should be a IL complaint forum somewhere... anyway, my MIL constantly carries my almost 4 yr old dd around, and it drives me up the wall! My dd has never asked, and still doesn't, though she doesn't seem to mind MIL doing it most of the time... I think it all started when dd2 was born... MIL has made it a point to try to make sure dd1 doesn't feel left out, ignored, etc, to the point of not even looking at dd2, and holding her when dd1 isn't in the room or paying much attention, etc. So I think (and I could be off, who knows the the inner workings of my MIL's brain?), that all this carrying of dd1 comes from the same place - babying dd1 so she doesn't feel "left out." I think MIL is taking it too far with the carrying, am I overreacting? Thoughts would be appreciated.
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Old 06-03-2007, 07:59 AM
 
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Does mil see DD1 often enough to realise how grown-up she's getting? I know my mother still thinks my three year old can't be trusted on the stairs, but we only see her a few times a year.
Could you say to her that the cuddles are lovely, but she needs to walk for the exercise, or to sleep at night?
It is a big deal if it's getting in the way of your daughter being the big sister you need her to be when mil isn't around, imho.
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Old 06-03-2007, 12:07 PM
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Let it be.

Unless she is carrying your dd against her will, it's NOT a big deal. I'm actually impressed with how tender MIL is being
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Old 06-03-2007, 12:59 PM
 
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Let it be.

Unless she is carrying your dd against her will, it's NOT a big deal. I'm actually impressed with how tender MIL is being
I agree. If your DD wants down she'll say so.
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Old 06-03-2007, 01:09 PM
 
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Another vote to let it be as long as your dd likes it. If she's uncomfortable with it- feel free to speak up.

-Angela
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Old 06-03-2007, 01:53 PM
 
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I'm more concerned about how she's treating dd2. How long is that going to continue? That's not good for either child!

*I'm a little sensitive as my own mother strongly favors my first and my second is well aware of it (she kept saying she'd stop when he was old enough to notice, but he's almost 7 now and she clearly doesn't like him and doesn't care).
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Old 06-03-2007, 01:55 PM
 
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Hm. Why does it bother you? I personally always think it's sweet when people carry older kids who can walk. I can see how paying less attention to DD2 would be annoying, but I guess I'm not seeing the problem with carrying? Does your DD like it?
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Old 06-03-2007, 01:56 PM
 
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Well, this is a self-limiting scenario -- unless your MIL is a bodybuilder, there will very soon come a day when your dd is simply too heavy for MIL to be hauling her around like that anymore.

I agree that the treatment of dd2 would actually concern me more!
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oops
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies.... I put it in the context I did to see if I was overreacting or not... there is more information of course, but I am too close to it to know if it matters. My MIL lives in the same town BTW, and the primary reason I think it bothers me, aside from the fact that my MIL and I aren't overly fond of one another, is that a while back she basically told dh that she wanted dd1 to be parented perfectly, and we weren't going to do that, so she was going to "fill in the cracks" where we messed up (and, BTW, her idea of parenting is WAAAAY different than ours). Grrr. So I guess I am having a reaction to the carrying thing because I think she thinks I should be babying dd1. She may not be thinking that at all, I have no idea. And so, this may be terrible, but because of her wanting to be another mother to dd1, I don't really have a problem with her lack of attention towards dd2 so far. : but when I say we aren't overly fond of each other, it means a lot more than I want to put down here!
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Old 06-03-2007, 06:16 PM
 
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Good job mama on maintining a relationship with you MIL even though she drives you nuts! That's a hard thing to do. Might it be that no matter what you try to ward off, there will always be something that rubs you the wrong way about her, being that you two don't communicate your motivations to each other? There may always be a voice in the back of your head that says "is she doing ------ because of ----? If she is, I don't like that! But I can't ask her. Grrr"
Try to tide it out.
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Old 06-04-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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*I* still carry DS (4 next month) around like he's a little baby
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Old 06-04-2007, 02:17 PM
 
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I think you should be grateful that your MIL is being so tender with DD1.

So, yes, I think you're making it a big deal.

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Old 06-04-2007, 03:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
Let it be.

Unless she is carrying your dd against her will, it's NOT a big deal. I'm actually impressed with how tender MIL is being
Yup.

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Old 06-04-2007, 03:32 PM
 
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Well, this is a self-limiting scenario -- unless your MIL is a bodybuilder, there will very soon come a day when your dd is simply too heavy for MIL to be hauling her around like that anymore.
THis is exactly what I was thinking.

Mom to dd (8), ds (6), and dd (1)

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Old 06-04-2007, 03:39 PM
 
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I think it's really sad that you're upset about someone paying attention to your child. JMO...

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Old 06-04-2007, 04:48 PM
 
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I think it's really sad that you're upset about someone paying attention to your child. JMO...
I think it is sad that she is in a situation where she has been pushed to feel uncomfortable about someone paying attention to her child. It seems to me a perfectly natural concern when her MIL has already verbalized disapprovement of her parenting.

I too would wonder if the MIL intends it to be a passive-aggressive jab at the OP -- an attempt to make a statement that the OP is neglecting DD1.

I too would wonder if MIL is trying to build a closer relationship with DD1 just so that she could be DD1's favorite person instead of DD1 being closest to her mother.

Leigh, mama to Rostislav homeborn Aug 9 2007, and Oksana homeborn Feb 24 2011.
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Old 06-04-2007, 10:22 PM
 
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I would absolutely be uncomfortable with her claiming she is going to "fill in the cracks" of your parenting. That's not going to work out well for anyone and needs to be addressed.

The carrying thing in and of itself I think is great if they both like it. Your DD bonding with her grandma is very wonderful and important as long as it is a healthy relationship no matter how you feel about her. My MIL drives me nutty, but she means well and I am very happy that she loves and spoils my children so much.

Is she actually favoring your DD over the baby? Or do you think she just wants to make sure she doesn't feel left out. My mom and MIL pay much more attention to my older girls because my 10 month old just isn't into anyone but mommy and daddy. If she is actually favoring your DD I would have that issue addressed by your DH. But if that isn't the case and everyone is happy I would let it be.

Editing to add.....If I were in your situation with MIL overstepping her bounds I would absolutely be very sensitive to anything she did. This is not a good situation for you or your family.
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Old 06-05-2007, 11:02 AM
 
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I think it's really sad that you're upset about someone paying attention to your child. JMO...
I agree.
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:55 AM
 
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I think it's really sad that you're upset about someone paying attention to your child. JMO...
Did you really read her post? I don't see how you got that from her post.

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Old 06-06-2007, 02:01 AM
 
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I'm more concerned about how she's treating dd2. How long is that going to continue? That's not good for either child!
I agree.

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Old 06-06-2007, 02:03 AM
 
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Originally Posted by *bejeweled* View Post
I think you should be grateful that your MIL is being so tender with DD1.

So, yes, I think you're making it a big deal.
I don't see how it's "tender" to say, "You're not doing things right as a mother, so I'm going to fill in your cracks." Seems kinda heavy-handed to me.

I don't really have a solution though -- other than moving far, far away. Which may or may not be a good option for your family.

My concerns have NOTHING to do with the carrying -- and EVERYTHING to do with her favoritism and her putdowns toward you and your dh.

Maybe your dh could talk with her about the favoritism and the putdowns?

Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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Old 06-06-2007, 02:56 AM
 
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I still carry my son everywhere and he'll be four this summer. I carried my dss until he was at least 6, though that seems strange, I'm pretty sure it is true. I remember the last time I carried him. . .I reach down to get something and his legs and even his knees brushed the ground . He liked it though. Sometimes I look at him and it seems so long ago. I'd be worried about the things your MIL has said, but not about carrying a four year old.
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Old 06-06-2007, 03:29 AM
 
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i wouldn't let this bother me. let me rephrase that. i wouldn't make a big deal about it or confront her anything even though it would bothe rme. not so much that she was lavishing affection on my 4 year old but that she thought she had to to make up for my inadequacies. and that she was favoring one child over the other.

i am sure you have tried this but perhaps offer to let her hold the baby or give her some way to lavish love on him. this will give your dd a break and also even the playing field a little.

regardless of her reasons and how annoying it is try to focus on what a greta relationship your children will have with their grandma. even if her motives are bad try to make it a good thing. it could be a lot worse (and may be ) but carrying your dd around so long as she likes it and it isn't causing behavior problems when grasndma isn't around ("grandma would carry me. she must love me more" and that kind of crap) i wouldn't worry too much about it or what her motivations are. save your strength. your gonna need it for the bigger issues that will arise in the future.

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Old 06-06-2007, 06:59 PM
 
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I feel the same way about my MIL, so I don't think you're overreacting, but I would just let it be. If your relationship is anything like mine then there are a million things that drive you nuts about how your MIL acts around the kids, and this one seems pretty minor. And like a pp said, she soon will be too big to carry around. If somethinng's bothering me about MIL I have to play it out as if it were somebody else and see if it'd bother me if they did the same thing. If no, then I let it go, if yes then I address it.
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Old 06-06-2007, 10:34 PM
 
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i wouldn't let this bother me. let me rephrase that. i wouldn't make a big deal about it or confront her anything even though it would bothe rme. not so much that she was lavishing affection on my 4 year old but that she thought she had to to make up for my inadequacies. and that she was favoring one child over the other.
I agree with that. I don't see anything wrong with Grandma carrying your dd-heck, most grandparents I know are of the "you're holding them too much" mindset but yeah, I'd be seriously annoyed at her comments.

I think the advice to try and pass her the baby and focus on the positive aspects of her relationship with the kids is good.
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Old 06-07-2007, 12:28 AM
 
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Since it doesn't bother DD, I wouldn't be concerned.

You know she's doing this primarily to get on your nerves, it sounds like. Sooo, were I you, I would very sweetly ignore that aspect of it. If you allow her to upset you, she's won her goal.

It'll probably piss her off if you grin and wink at her when she does it. That's what I would do, but no one ever accused me of being the nicest person on the planet.
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