Anyone Regret Going from 1 to 2? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 76 Old 08-31-2007, 02:31 PM
 
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Okay, mama of 4 posting, so you can probably guess where I'm going with this...

One thing I would like to point out is that you now have the benefit of experience. You know you had trouble with PPD, body image, etc. last time. What things helped you? What could you do to plan ahead that would help ease those issues?

My kids are way spread out and that has been great for me. Having the last two pretty much exactly 2 years apart was scary. But there are definitely advantages, and I love the spacing now. My ds who is now 2 was very attached and high needs. I knew he was going to have to learn to take Daddy more, and that was just that. He was old enough and they could use that, anyway. So I worked on that throughout my pregnancy, so he wouldn't feel suddenly abandoned when his brother arrived. I am lucky that was my 2 year old was verbal and understood a lot, he also got a new cousin a month before his brother was born, so he had an idea of what "Mommy has a new brother for you in her tummy" meant. I also started him in daycare a few mornings a week when his brother came and made plans to spend time with my friends occasionally, just the baby and I, as I knew I would need these things for my mental health. Having the money to pay for part time child care or having willing relatives/friends around to help certainly makes things easier, and is something to consider. Perhaps you could think about joining a gym with childcare after baby, to address the body image issues and get some time to yourself?

The first few weeks were totally overwhelming and I'm not going to act like it wasn't. BUT - my ds who is now 8 months is such a precious gift. He is so SWEET. I am just as in love with him as I have been with each of them as babies! He is crawling all over the place and follows his brother and sisters around. The whole family dotes on him. I am SO GLAD we have him!

WRT to spacing them out, I obviously had that experience also. It has its own advantages, like getting a few years of sleeping through the night between children, getting your body/life/career back between babies, and the older sibling is really old enough to be a helper. So that can work, too. The main minus is I am 30 now and have been pregnant and/or parenting a young child for almost half my life!

I think you will find few people who say they regret a child, because few people do. I don't think you can say "in theory" what you can handle. I never thought I would have 4 kids, and I am doing fine with them. But I got the grace to handle each one as they arrived - I am sure I couldn't have handled 4 back when I had my first child, who was my perfect and precious only for 6 years before her sister arrived.

Honestly, I feel very blessed to have every one of my children and I look forward to having big family dinners, reunions, lots of grandchildren, etc. someday. And I am glad they are close so far and hope they stay that way! Some days I am even considering a 5th! :

Tracey, mama of 5 beloved children here with me on Earth and one precious son I will meet again in Heaven 6/17/09 - 9/6/09.

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#62 of 76 Old 08-31-2007, 03:34 PM
 
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OK, DS2 is being TOTALLY cute at this moment, so I'm going to have to answer NO

Honestly, I've never regretted #2. I love DS2 like nobody's business. Having him did complete my family in a lot of ways and brought me to a whole new level as a mom and a woman.

It did change a lot of things, though. I won't lie to ya. The boys are 7 years apart and I had DS1 when I was 19, so I had a picture of my life with just me and DS1. I thought we'd have adventures and travel. I looked forward to being "on my own" again in my late 30's and enjoying being a single, foxy 40 yo living wild and free :
Sometimes, I miss that "would-be" version of myself that has been replaced by a partnered mom of 2 (sometimes 3 when DSS is here) who dreams of living on a farm and growing old with DP and having tons of grandkids come to visit. I love my life now, too, though. It's different, but no less wonderful.
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#63 of 76 Old 08-31-2007, 05:03 PM
 
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[QUOTE=TranscendentalMom;9048816]
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Originally Posted by katheek77 View Post

How about this...There's a fullness with 2 that we didn't feel before we had our 2nd. Sorry if that came off badly...I was trying to be as honest as possible but I do realize that not every family feels that way. I know several families who say they feel "complete" as a threesome.

Got it... Sorry if I came off as snarky. What you had orginially written had echos of something moms of onlies deal with all the time...people who say you're not a "complete" family (I guess some people think if you don't have siblings you can't be complete) with only one child, or that you're not a "real" mom until you have two or more...

I completely understand people who feel their families aren't complete until they've had two or three or whatever number of children. I also understand friends of mine whose families are complete with no children. Ours wasn't until we had Katie (despite our dog's best attempts to convince us otherwise ) but we have that "complete" feeling now.

In the vein of what someone else said, were something to change dramatically and we decided we wanted another child , one thing I do feel strongly about is that I wouldn't want one spaced closely to Katie. I just can't imagine sort of "missing" her toddlerhood because I'm taking care of another baby. She's pretty independent and whatnot (I thought she was going to go home with another mom at the park today ), but, I still want to be able to be completely there for her ... I just couldn't imagine having to divide my time and attention between her and another baby before she was about five or so.

I'm enjoying this conversation very much...lots of interesting POV's
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#64 of 76 Old 08-31-2007, 05:27 PM
 
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Well, I didn't read the whole thread but I didn't see anyone say they actually regretted having a second kid.

NO regrets here at all. I think DD2 has helped me be a better, more relaxed, more patient, less stressed, less everything-has-to-be-perfect-or-my-kid-will-be-in-therapy-by-age-5 sort of mom. Sure, DD1 didn't get 100% of my attention all of the time when she was 3, or 4. But she did get 100% of my attention some of the time. It's funny that no one thinks of #2 and how he/she is not going to get 100% of the parental attention either, and that's from day 1! As soon as DD2 was born, DD1 was up on the bed asking me questions about her.

And DD2 just rocks my world. She's feisty, but very independent - she will go off and play with stuffed animals all by herself...probably because we don't have the attention span or energy to follow her around constantly, like we did with DD1 (LOL). She's affectionate and expressive and creative and fascinating and we all love her to bits. Sure, she and DD1 squabble. But DD1 is overall AWESOME with her little sister, and they already can play together for long stretches and truly enjoy one another's company. They make each other laugh.

If you are thinking of reasons NOT to have another baby, by all means, don't have one. I still think babies are cute, but I'm also relieved that we're done. Two feels right.

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
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#65 of 76 Old 08-31-2007, 07:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog View Post
My dd was born with a heart defect and has always been perfect. I think your offense is misplaced.
The OP's post implies that it's possible to have an imperfect child. Like she doesn't want to risk it because #1 is perfect.
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#66 of 76 Old 08-31-2007, 07:33 PM
 
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I have 4 so I'm probably not best placed to advise you

When I see the joy that my first two shared without me being involved I felt that ds1 must have been so bored when it was just him and us. That feeling has grown as we have had more children: the joy they share between them and how they interact fills me with love.

So no, I don't regret going from 1 to 2 or 3 to 4!
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#67 of 76 Old 08-31-2007, 11:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by teachma View Post
The OP's post implies that it's possible to have an imperfect child. Like she doesn't want to risk it because #1 is perfect.
OP posting again. I'm sorry I offended you. When I say DS is perfect, I say he is perfect the way he is, even with his faults: even though he is what my MIL calls a "strong-willed child" and even though he doesn't talk as much/sleep as well/blah blah blah as some other kids. He will always be perfect to me, and since I feel that way it's hard to imagine feeling that way TWICE, as hard as imagining I could find another soul mate. It's not a notion of physical perfection, it's my perception.

Mom to DS 5/05 and DD 9/08
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#68 of 76 Old 09-01-2007, 02:03 AM
 
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When I see the joy that my first two shared without me being involved I felt that ds1 must have been so bored when it was just him and us
sigh.

I wish sometimes that people could see how it feels to be a mom of an only and hear these types of things. it's like, in my mind I'm saying, "this person is talking about THEIR experience, and it's not a judgment on you", but it really just....feels like it.

yk, some people actually CAN'T have a second child, even if they wanted one. and though we know in our hearts our child is not bored, (or lonely, or spoiled), it kinda hurts thinking other people might look at them and think they are. happy families come in all sizes, shapes & colors.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#69 of 76 Old 09-01-2007, 02:07 AM
 
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sigh.

I wish sometimes that people could see how it feels to be a mom of an only and hear these types of things. it's like, in my mind I'm saying, "this person is talking about THEIR experience, and it's not a judgment on you", but it really just....feels like it.

yk, some people actually CAN'T have a second child, even if they wanted one. and though we know in our hearts our child is not bored, (or lonely, or spoiled), it kinda hurts thinking other people might look at them and think they are. happy families come in all sizes, shapes & colors.
Or along the same lines, to be an only and read that apparently my happy, not-bored childhood was all a big illusion and would have been twice as wonderful if only I'd had a sibling or three?

Life without a sibling is just *different* than life with a sibling. It is not necessarly *worse*, *less than*, or *missing* anything. It's not necessarily *better,* either. It is just a different way of being that if you weren't an only you can't really know.

savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

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#70 of 76 Old 09-01-2007, 09:15 AM
 
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OP posting again. I'm sorry I offended you. When I say DS is perfect, I say he is perfect the way he is, even with his faults: even though he is what my MIL calls a "strong-willed child" and even though he doesn't talk as much/sleep as well/blah blah blah as some other kids. He will always be perfect to me, and since I feel that way it's hard to imagine feeling that way TWICE, as hard as imagining I could find another soul mate. It's not a notion of physical perfection, it's my perception.
Thank you so much for spending the time to explain and apologize. I am a little defensive about this because often, when I hear people make similar comments, it seems it could easily be a kid like mine they're afraid to risk having. And, people make comments like this all the time. "I already have a perfect family. Why take the risk?" and "I was so fortunate that G-d blessed me three times with three perfect children; why should I tempt fate?" Stuff like that. I now understand that isn't what you meant.

Back to the original topic, my first dc is an extreme parenting challenge for lots of reasons. I almost chose to not have a second child because I felt my plate was full as it was. I changed my mind, though, and have never regretted it for a moment.
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#71 of 76 Old 09-01-2007, 09:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by bri276 View Post
sigh.

I wish sometimes that people could see how it feels to be a mom of an only and hear these types of things. it's like, in my mind I'm saying, "this person is talking about THEIR experience, and it's not a judgment on you", but it really just....feels like it.

yk, some people actually CAN'T have a second child, even if they wanted one. and though we know in our hearts our child is not bored, (or lonely, or spoiled), it kinda hurts thinking other people might look at them and think they are. happy families come in all sizes, shapes & colors.

What I said was without any judgement. I used the word 'I' - it was not a statement of fact that all relationships are so. I was giving a reason why *for me* I didn't regret it.

I feel bad about my experiences when I read about other people's perfectly blissful births but I am able to accept that everyone's experience is different.

Lastly, there is plenty of snark and criticism in families, society and online communities directed at those of us with more than one or two children which I shut my ears to.
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#72 of 76 Old 09-01-2007, 03:07 PM
 
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I have never regretted having a second. My second was colicky to boot, and nope, I've never regretted it. I had lots of reservations and fears, but my fears became moot points when reality struck. I've been way more suprised at the joy, fun, and unforseen benefits to both of my kids because I had another.

The funny thing is, I have the same exact reservations about having a third. The whole baby phase wearing me down, the three-ring circus of it all, my two not getting the attention that I want them to have, etc...My husband really wants a third and I'm more hesitant, but based on my experience with my second, I know that no matter how afraid I feel about having a third, I know that I wouldn't regret it and any challenges would solve themselves.

Unfortunately, we have not been able to concieve (well, once we did but that ended in miscarraige) and we probably shouldn't concieve anyway because of my husband's bad health and our future because of it. I do not have baby fever in any way, shape, or form, but I know that I would not regret it if it happened.
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#73 of 76 Old 09-04-2007, 10:25 AM
 
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I was very worried about the arrival of number 2. Our girls are 16 months apart. Our oldest weaned herself while I was pregnant, and I felt terrible about that. It seemed that every concern I had during my second pregnancy was about whether or not having a second child was the right thing to do.

Now, two years later, I have no regrets at all. Our girls are two and three, and I'm so glad that they have each other. There are challenges for sure, but I can't imagine life without two. I'm also very pleased with how the kids are learning to nagivate their relationship. They enjoy each others company, but are able to find their own space when they need it.

Julie - Mom to Elizabeth (Libby) age 6, Penelope (Penny) age 5, Elliott age 29 months, and Oscar who is 1 year old!
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#74 of 76 Old 09-04-2007, 10:34 AM
 
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Not that my opinion matters, nor am I trying to sway you one way or the other. Your decision is obviously your own. But, I love having an only child. He doesn't have to fight with his siblings, we get to do whatever we want. Now that he is 3 we have so much fun going places and doing activities. We wouldn't do half of the things we get to do if we had to lug around a baby. Not to sound harsh, I love babies, just don't want another one! I just think that for us and our unique situation, having one perfect healthy boy is the best!!!
Bottom line is...there is nothing wrong with having an only child. Your family is still a family!!
YEAH!

I'd say don't do it if your not ready. My parents started trying early for my brother since I took so long - surprise, we are 18 months apart instead of years they expected!

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#75 of 76 Old 09-05-2007, 12:10 AM
 
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I've always wanted several children but I had a little epiphany about my one and only while waiting for my husband to be ready for a second (we're pregnant now---yay!) . . . that it would be wonderful to have all of my attention and resources for my one dd and pursue life with her (and dh, of course) and that nothing would be missing from my life.

Even realizing that, I still want more. Number two is on the way, and if we stop there I know that I would be fully and completely happy, but since MY desire is to have several, I think that will make me happiest.

I don't think any number of children is going to make you happiest and most fulfilled unless it is as many as you want. So just decide if you want a child, and don't have one until you do!

I'm glad you are loving your family so much right now!

Diana, homebirthing, homeschooling, homemaking wife and mother of two (plus one more coming this Spring)!
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#76 of 76 Old 09-08-2007, 10:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by bri276 View Post
sigh.

I wish sometimes that people could see how it feels to be a mom of an only and hear these types of things. it's like, in my mind I'm saying, "this person is talking about THEIR experience, and it's not a judgment on you", but it really just....feels like it.

yk, some people actually CAN'T have a second child, even if they wanted one. and though we know in our hearts our child is not bored, (or lonely, or spoiled), it kinda hurts thinking other people might look at them and think they are. happy families come in all sizes, shapes & colors.
And I wish parents of onlies could understand how it feels when you have 2, LOVE your 2 kids and find their sibling relationship beautiful and they say things like "we're only having 1 because we have it perfect right now, why mess it up?" or "siblings just fight all the time and often aren't close as adults anyway" I also know that its not MEANT to hurt, but it feels like they are dumping on your reality to make themselves feel better.

"We shape the clay into a pot but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want" Lao Tzu
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