Oh the agony! (contemplating leaving dd) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 05:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OKay, I need some rational minds to help me out hrere. My dd is 4.5 yrs old and I have never left her for more than a few hours, much less over night. Ever. Just never had a reason to. She is very independent and has little to no seperation anxiety. She also just weaned a few months ago, so that is no longer a need of hers. Well I have the chance to participate in a competition in Orlando, Florida in November. This would be the highlight of my light, with the exception of marraige and birth. I have trained hard, and feel like I could do well. BUT, I would probably need to leave dd here (in Kansas). I would bring dh with me, and dd would stay with me folks. My folks raised us very AP, they would cosleep, comfort, and take amazing care of her. However I am torn witht he though of my dd laying in bed at night with them feeling neglected. I know this is silly, and my parents could not be anymore trustworthy, AP, and loving. But this is agonizing to me,. It would be for either 2-3 nights. But I DESPERATELY want to do this competition to prove something to myself. Would I be a horrid mommy to do this??
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#2 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 05:29 PM
 
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November is a long way away. Before you commit to anything, see how she feels about spending longer amounts at your parents and give it a try if she's interested. If she's not interested, ask again in a few weeks. If she is, start off slow and work up to her spending the night to see how she feels. I think a lot of times the things we do bother us so much more than they bother our children.

I know that my dad takes amazing care of my son but I still feel guilty for asking him to watch him so dh and I can catch a movie. Some days he might actually be better off with my dad because my dad can be 100% dedicated to him, while I still have dinner to cook, laundry to do and all of that other stuff. My dad(like most grandparents) is there just for his enjoyment!

Good luck!
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#3 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 05:31 PM
 
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I don't think you'd be a horrible mommy at all. Especially since you'd be leaving her with your family and since she has no separation anxiety. It would be a neat thing for her to see Mommy go do something for Mommy that really energizes her and feeds her soul. A great way to teach her to take care of herself/soul in years to come.
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#4 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 05:38 PM
 
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I don't think you are a bad mommy, its important to keep doing things that make you who you are as you parent, especially as a woman role model to your dd.

Is there any chance your dh could stay home with her? That might make her feel more secure about you being gone. If not, I agree that a one-night trial is a good idea... for you to see how she handles it and for her to get a taste of what its like to be away from you. Good luck.
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#5 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 05:40 PM
 
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No you wouldn't be a horrid mommy

What you have given your dd is incredible. She is undoubtedly so secure in your love for her that she'll understand that your feelings are the same even if you are away for a few days, and she's old enough to understand the concept of a few days and of something being necessary.

IT sounds like this is a very necessary thing for you to do, for you as an individual not as a mommy. Your dd can understand that you are more than "just" a mother. You have a number of months to talk about this. I think that when you're as attached as you two are, that she can become an important cheerleader. Just like you want her to succeed, she will probably jump at the chance to help you succeed at important things. She can help plan the trip (both yours and hers), and she can prepare for some very special time with her grandparents.

I love the way you write "dd laying in bed with them". That's pretty special, to have parents like that. I can hardly believe she'll feel neglected. It can be a very special time for her, and she'll know that she enables you (probably her favorite person) to do something you really like.

I know how you feel though. I'm in almost the same position with my dd, who's almost 4 and not yet weaned. I'm about to give birth and since she was a c/s baby I have to prepare both of us for the chance it will happen again. Friends have assured me that I've given her so much security over the past years that there's no way she'll feel that I've "left" her for her new brother. Your dd is a bit older, not dependent on your boobs... I say go for it! It sounds like NOT doing it would not only deprive you of a chance to do something you love, but also your whole family of the oppty to show how secure you are in your love for each other.

BTW what is the occasion? May we know?
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#6 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 05:48 PM
 
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ITA with Simonee (fancy that )

You sound like a wonderful mother and very attached to your DD. You have plenty of time to work up to going, and you can include her in all your plans. Your parents sound great- I'm sure she'll be very happy with them. A couple of trial nights with them would be a good idea. I say go, definitely.
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#7 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you thank you thank you. I just asked her what she would think about sleeping at Grandma and Grandpa's house for a couple nights without us, and she said that would be fine, that she would just cuddle with them. But I just worry that when the time comes, it won't be so smooth. I REALLY want dh to come with me. We really need some revitalization, and the chance to hang out with other adults. The competition I would be doing is the Women's Tri-fitness competition. I would compete in the 3 catagories: Fitness challenge (bench press, shuttle run and plyometric box jump), the Obstacle course (The course is comprised of: A 10 foot Wall, Running Grid, Incline/Decline Monkey Bars, Balance Beam, 15 foot Cargo Net, Shuttle Run, 2 Low Hurdles, Steeple chase jump over water, Sprint, and Under and Over Bar) , and the Grace and Physique round. I feel like I have something to prove to myself.

My mom just called and said they might be willing to fly to Orlando and spend the couple days taking dd to Disney World etc. However I almost feel like I would be able to concentrate more if I we by myself (and with dh). If they were there I would be running back and forth and back and forth and not really getting the whole experience. Then again, she would be right there!
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#8 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 08:17 PM
 
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You are a great momma; and you have worked really hard on your body to be able to do this.

Whatever you choose ---- remember that you teach your DD a LOT by setting your own goals, by doing stuff for you, and by trying and accomplishing new things.

Also; DD might enjoy her own "vacation" with grandparents. It would be; staying home with them, her own special thing (while you have your specl trip). She might not look at it as "being left" but "getting to stay with Grandparents". espically if you bill it that way and make it a big deal for her.

Let us know what you choose. Just remember you gotta keep taking care of you or you can't take care of DD.

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#9 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 08:24 PM
 
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That's so sweet! I felt silly for feeling anxious about leaving my daugher overnight at 20 months old! I left my daughter for 30 hours with my mother while I went to New Orleans with my father (husband was working in Germany). My daughter was totally fine and I so was I!

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#10 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 09:15 PM
 
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Just had to add that I misread, I thought your dd was 4.5 MONTHS old, not 4.5 years. I was really confused about how you found out she was OK with the slumber party at g&g's house .

I light of my recent discovery I think it will be fine. She will miss you, but she'll be in good hands. At 4.5 years, they'll be able to distract her if she gets too upset. I still think an overnight trial is a good idea (if that's even possible, I don't know if they live close to you or not).

And YOU GO, GIRL! Good luck at the competition!
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#11 of 21 Old 07-17-2003, 09:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You guys rock!! I am feeling better and better about this. It's been such hard work to get to this point (I work out at 5am every morning so that I don't cut into family time), and I really feel like I owe it to myself. This is my ONLY hobbie I have that does not involve my family. It seems to have some kind of meaning to me beyond the actual competition. At the risk of turning this into a "ventures into my psyche" thread....I feel like I always kind of half-assed things in life. I did 'okay' in school, could've done better. Did 'okay' at sports, could've done better. Went to college, got prego with dd, got married, and despite the fact that I completely and totally love my hubby and dd, I have never done anything 100% (excpet maybe mommying, but once again, that is not a "me" thing, but an "us" thing). I feel selfish though, doing something totally for me. Does that make any sense? WHen dd isn't there I feel like I am missing an arm, but at the same time, a part of me desperately want to do this to prove to myself I can. Okay, enough deep thoughts for the moment. Thank you all for your thoughts.
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#12 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 02:04 AM
 
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ITA with Simonee and the others who said to give it a few test runs before you go....and go for it!!

teapot2.GIF Homeschooling, Homesteading Mama to DD ('02) and DS ('04)  ribbonjigsaw.gif blogging.jpg homeschool.gif

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#13 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 09:52 AM
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You could get her involved too like she is "in training" for sleeping at the grandparents, ya know? I agree that it is so valuable for her to see you push yourself out of your comfort zone and do something really hard. Some of my proudest Mommy moments have been watching my son go off for the day with Dad with a sad but brave look on his face. When we lock eyes and say good bye it's very intense. Once he even said, "I'm not going to cry, Mummy". He always has a great time but I'm sure he misses me at times. Today he said, "I'll miss your hair." (my hair is his comfort object )

Anyway, she sounds like a great little girl and if she's anything like her Mom, she can do it!
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#14 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 10:00 AM
 
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I totally understand your feelings, but I don't think that you are a horrible mommy. I think that you should go. I also think that your dd is old enough to "help train" like others said and is old enough to understand where you are and why you're not there.
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#15 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 10:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Can I just say that I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! Most of my friend in real life are not very AP and have no idea why I have not left dd long before now. So to get opinions from those of the same mind set means the world. Right now my folks are contemplating taking dd to Disney World while I do the Tri-fit contest. (My mom is slightly paranoid saying "well all I ever did with you guys up until you were 4 was nurse you if there was a problem, and I can't do that with RYlee") I almost feel like I would rather just go by myself (with dh) at this point, so I can focus. I'll talk to mom and post back.
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#16 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 10:33 AM
 
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You go you fit mama!!!! Please let us know how it all goes ~ the trip away, but also your competition! It sounds awesome. You da rock!! (as in rock hard muscle)

(and isn't it sad, in a way, that someone who is (or sounds ) as smart as you thinks she's selfish for wanting to do something very important for herself after 4.5 years? We have a lot to learn from men )
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#17 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 10:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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simonee, i know it is sad. And my rational mind knows it too. But my mommy heart strings get tugged so easily. Well I just talked to mom and it looks like all is a go. She said she needs to talk to dad (he is at work) and make sure he doesn't have his heart set on Disney World, and then do a trial run or two, and we'll be off. I am not sure how I made it from never having left my child for a full day, to being okay with doing it for 3! I have in the back of my head that I may get down there and be paralyzed in seperation anxiety. I think the only time she may miss me is at bed time, so I think my plan may have to be to make my phone calls home in the late afternoon, instead of at bedtime, because I am not sure how I will do with a crying dd in Kansas needing her mommy. BUT, I AM PUMPED AND EXCITED!!!!!! WhoHoo!!
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#18 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 11:10 AM
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Ya know, I think one reason my son does the stiff upper lip thing when we part is because he can see that it is hard for me, too, but I am being brave and not side stepping the issue (like sneaking out). We talk about how we are going to miss each other, he cries, we hug, he sucks it up and goes out the door. If she needs you at bed time you should call at bed time. Tell her about the challenges you faced that day, how much you missed her and talk honestly about her day. Don't shy away from her pain, talk about it and it will get less painful.

This is coming out preachie but I can't spend any more time on it. I hope you won't take offense, none is intended.

Liz
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#19 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 12:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Liz, no offense taken at all. You are right and make some very good points. Thank you for taking the time to post such thoughtful replys.
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#20 of 21 Old 07-18-2003, 01:35 PM
 
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buttttttttt

there is something for being said for ..... if the girl IS doing ok at bedtime; then no need to rock the boat and call and upset her.

And if you think she'll go to bed easier if it is just Grandma; then call in the afternoon. She'll be less tired too and might be less upset and more excited about the call.

IF she IS upset; she should be able to call. But I don't see any reason to upset the apople cart if it is ok with a call.

Just my opinion.

Aimee

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#21 of 21 Old 07-22-2003, 10:19 PM
 
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Perhaps a compromise. Have a set time for a phone date each day, say mid afternoon but timed so it won't interfere with naps or your events. And then maybe you can have a chat with your mum about your DD's bedtime and make yourself available in case DD wants to call then, but leave it to her to ask. I would be hesitant to make the evening/bedtime phone call Plan A based on a summer that my 8 year old niece stayed with me. Because of the time difference involved she couldn't talk to her Mom til 8 or 9 PM most days, by which times she was often into the early stages of bed time, easily upset, hair-trigger on the tears, etc... As a result we had many weepy phone goodbyes and long tearful bedtimes. It sucked.
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