Which do you think is more important when planning next child.... - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-21-2003, 09:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Our son is 9 months old and we would love to have another someday. I feel that 3 years is the ideal spacing for siblings and a development book I have been reading reconfimed my belief that we should wait awhile (unless it should happen inadvertently). However, the problem is that while my dh is very youthful and healthy, he is 48. I am 31. He feels if we are going to have another it should be soon. What do you think is more important in the decision making process - spacing between siblings or age of father?

"We shape the clay into a pot but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want" Lao Tzu
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Old 07-21-2003, 10:37 PM
 
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When you're talking about just a few years like that I think the needs ALL of the members of the family come first. (ie the mom's need to recoooperate from pregnancy and birth- which IMHO should last at least 1-2 years, and the baby's need for closeness and attention from the parents)
Does it really matter if you have a baby when he's 49 as opposed to 51? Doesn't seem like much of an issue to me, in the long run.
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Old 07-21-2003, 10:46 PM
 
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That is such a personal decision that I don't really think I can answer you either way. Like you, I have done some research and feel that our dd should be at least 2 when we start trying to conceive #2. That way, she'll be close to 3 when we have another. At the same time, I think it's important to take the individual family's needs. If your husband is concerned about his age, then maybe that should be taken into consideration. There can be a middle ground too, say, wait until your ds is 18 months old and then try to conceive. That way, you are less likely to have 2 in diapers and your ds will still have some much needed attention from you. I know this probably doesn't help too much, but it's such an intensely personal decision, that I hesitate to say to much about it other than the fact that I hear where you are coming from. :
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Old 07-22-2003, 12:04 AM
 
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Fertility-wise, you will probably be fine waiting two years, but fertility does decline with age for men too. Perhaps do fertility testing on him to see how he stands now. That might help you make your decision.

I am facing the same issue. At best I will be 33 when I have my first, which means I don't know if I'll be able to gamble on spacing (a gamble that could leave me with an only child). Also, I am less than two years older than my brother and cherish that close relationship. So I am ambivalent about spacing anyway.

good luck
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Old 07-22-2003, 01:18 AM
 
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What do you think is more important in the decision making process - spacing between siblings or age of father?
I say neither is important as the mental state of the mother! Is she well rested, has her baby weaned or how does she feel about nursing through a pregnancy, is the baby mellow or spirited, what's her support system like -- these are the questions I would ask.

p.s. If your dh is worried about being an older dad, I don't know if a toddler and a baby will make him feel any younger!
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Old 07-22-2003, 02:02 AM
 
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ITA with Dodo.

I see little difference between a father who is 48 and 51. And while I appreciate the concept of "ideal" spacing, I think so many of us with spacing less than that have good relationships with our siblings...it's no guarantee.

Dodo hit the nail right on the head. It all depends on the mama and how much support she is getting from those around her.

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Old 07-22-2003, 11:08 AM
 
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For spacing between siblings I can say that my daughter and son are 23 months apart. She never had any problems with sibling rivalry, he just seemed to "fit" into our lives. On the other hand, our son and the new baby (due in October, also a boy) will be almost 2 1/2 years apart. I have some very real worries about my son's adjustment, as he just doesn't seem ready for a new baby (I know, a little too late); he just seems like he's much more immature than my daughter was at the same age.

So, although I can't speak for the age of your husband, I would definetly look at the maturity of your son rather than just an age for child placement.

Homesteading Mama to homeschoolin' kiddos London (10) ; Alexander (8) :; Holden (5) :; and Sergei born at home 8/18/08
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Old 07-22-2003, 11:09 AM
 
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I've been dealing with this too, though my dh is only 34. He doesn't want to have kids past 40. Granted, he is a juvenile diabetic and therefore he expects his lifespan will be somewhat shorter than average, but still. Maybe he just needs to meet some older pappas.

If it were up to me alone, I would definately wait for Eli's second b-day to approach before ttc, but both of us have to make this decision, so we both agreed to ttc now. It's not ideal, but we decided that it was the best thing for our family. If we got pregnant this month, our children would be 17 months apart. Could be worse.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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Old 07-24-2003, 12:56 PM
 
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We talk about this in our house, too. Dh is 43, and wanted to start baby #2 before I was ready. I am 34, and ds will be 2 in a few weeks. I really want ds to be close to 3 before we introduce a new baby.

The way I see it, a year doesn't make such a huge difference in an adult life. But the difference between two and three in a child is significant.

So we're going to start ttc #2 this Fall! Or maybe Winter. Hopefully all will go as planned. Ds took about a year to start.

I also want to be closer to my fitness goals before we ttc. I weigh 70 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant with ds. I have 6 more to go before I'm where I want to be. And I want ab muscles!
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Old 07-24-2003, 04:22 PM
 
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Well I don't know anything about having children at an older age as I was 21 and 23 when I had my children. Without taking that into consideration though I would NOT recommend having them closer than 3 years. I really feel having them so close (mine are 21 months) is out of sync with AP because I feel my little guy was forced to grow up way too fast just out of necessity for survival! I find it incredibly hard having them this close and plan to wait until Olivia is almost 3 before trying to conceive again. Of course I have time to do this and you're wondering if you do so my advice may not be pertinent!

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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Old 07-25-2003, 01:21 PM
 
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i don't see the parent's age as an issue, especially yours, since that isn't even old at all.

life expectancy rises all the time as medicine improves.

as long as your child is able to support themselves when you are gone, i dont see a problem.

3 years is nice spacing.......the oldest gets to be a baby for all of the "baby hood years" and will be in preK for some of the day when your next is born....giving you 1/1 time with baby

good luck
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