Do you ever wish you could leave? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 08-14-2003, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I lOVE my kids, I love them so much, but I have been feeling more and more like I just want to take off. I know I would never, but I really feel like they would be better off sometimes if I did leave. I think I have been trying so hard to parent them in an "AP" way, I sometimes wish my instincts had not led me here. Would I hate the parent I am if I weren't so drained from co-sleeping, nursing, thinking about what they watch, eat, hear? I long for the ignorance of the "mainstream"(I do not mean this to sound prissy), to sleep alone, to not be touched or leaned on all day. For some place to go where no one is fighting over a toy, or book. Where I body belongs to myself, and no one else. Where I can go for a walk or have a bite to eat and it doesn't turn into a 3 ring circus. What is wrong with me? I think I was not cut out for this...

Mama to Alex(5), Maddy(4), and Sam(8.5 months).

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#2 of 8 Old 08-14-2003, 06:44 PM
 
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Mamamoo-
I only have one child, so it is difficult for me to truly understand your situation, except that I live in an ashram w/ a total of 11 people, four of them under 18. I cook and clean for them, and have help but bear a lot of the brunt. I am not complaining, but have to admit that it is overwhelming at times.
I think it is TOTALLY fine to want to be "selfish" every once and a awhile and have you time. Do you think that is the main problem?
Do you have any time when you are just by yourself, or doing something for you?
I have not learned how to do this, but i know that i must if i am to maintain my sanity. It has been about 1 1/2 years since i've slept more then 2-3 hours straight. I bet it has been a lot longer for you.

More later- babe has awoken.
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#3 of 8 Old 08-14-2003, 06:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mona~Thanks fo ryour response. I have not slept more than 2-3 hour stretches since I wa pregnant with ds1(about 6 years ago). I wonder how much of it is sleep deprived. I do not have "real" time to myself. Sam is so little still, and I always feel guilty. I am trying to work something out with my dh, so I can go for a walk in the evenings alone. I know my lack of taking care of myself plays a huge part in my attitude with my kids. It feels better to even just say it out loud...kind of a release.
Thanks~Debi

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
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#4 of 8 Old 08-14-2003, 09:44 PM
 
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Sister, you need some time for yourself! You can't give if you don't have anything left to give....so taking care of yourself IS taking care of your kids. If I were you I'd hire a sitter for some alone time or a night out - even if it cost too much. You'd spend it on your kids in a heartbeat so make sure you do it for yourself!

"We shape the clay into a pot but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want" Lao Tzu
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#5 of 8 Old 08-15-2003, 02:16 AM
 
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You are right in a way. We women weren't cut out for this... I'm not talking about AP, I'm talking about taking care of children in isolation, disconnected from family, in a world that doesn't accomodate doing anything with kids. We evolved as humans in a "village." That's what we were made for. So, it's no surprise that we have such problems in today's world.

It goes without saying that you need a break. I love bfeeding and cosleeping, but I have one baby on a twin mattress, and sometimes I put her in the big bed and take the twin mattress for myself. I dump them on dh, and go shopping. Even if it is just the grocery store, i feel peaceful when I get back. I find that I will stay up way past when everyone is asleep just to get some peace and quiet at the end of the day.

You will find that something you are willing to give up somewhere... I think the hardest part is getting past feeling guilty that you can't do *everything.* It is also at it's worst when the baby starts to crawl, but before the baby can play by himself. Which is where you are at right now. Hang in there!
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#6 of 8 Old 08-15-2003, 12:10 PM
 
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Mamamoo, you are doing the right thing in looking for help before you do something drastic like leaving!

I wonder if you could meet another AP mama, or more (maybe on the Finding Your Tribe boards) and set up an arrangement where all of you and your kids spend a whole day at one family's home on a regular basis. Then you'd have some "backup" in dealing w/your kids, and at times one mama could stay w/all the kids while the other mama goes out to lunch all by herself! There have been some articles about things like this in Mothering in the past, and it sounds like such a great idea.

Good luck!

Mama to a boy EnviroKid treehugger.gif 9 years old and a new little girl EnviroBaby baby.gif!

I write about parenting, environment, cooking, and more. computergeek2.gif

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#7 of 8 Old 08-15-2003, 12:32 PM
 
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Hugs Mamamoo!

I'm glad you're talking about it. ITA about the fact that none of us were cut out to raise children in isolation in a non-child-friendly culture. It's way harder than most of us let on a lot of the time. Keep talking, mama.

I did want to say, though, that feeling like your kids would be better off without you is a CLASSIC symptom of PPD. I know your youngest is 8.5 months old, but PPD can have onset up to a year (maybe 18 months?) after birth. I know that with multiples, it often happens later, I think because after the birth you're in such a crisis mode, and I wonder if that might not be the case with 3 little ones too. Please get in touch with your HCP (midwife, OB, family doctor, nurse practitioner, etc.) and ask to be evaluated for PPD. There is a lot you can do, from talk therapy to cognitive-behavioral techniques to medication (if you choose). You need support and care and down-time, but you may also need to help your brain get back to normal. You can't just *think* yourself out of depression, though people like to believe that you can. That's like trying to *think* yourself out of diabetes. You can change your eating habits or your thinking/feeling habits, or you can take medication to help, but it won't just go away because you want it to.

Here is a self-assessment quiz that might give you some insight: http://www.kellymom.com/ppd/ppd-quiz.php and a list of resources about PPD: http://www.4woman.gov/Pregnancy/pg.cfm?page=275 . Here is another self-assessment: http://www.pndsa.co.za/ms-fc.htm This one categorizes "feeling your baby would be better off without you" as being an emergency symptom that indicates you should call your HCP right away.

Hang in there. Many amazing women and moms I know have dealt with PPD. You can get through this and you can enjoy parenting and your life (not every minute, but all together).

Keep talking...

Cate
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#8 of 8 Old 08-15-2003, 12:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks mamas...I have a lot to say, and will bbl when I have time to write itr all out. nak lol

Single mama to Alex(13), Maddy(12), Sam(8), Violet(6), and Ruby(3). fly-by-nursing1.gif
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