ap and crying - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: ap and crying
I did all of the below and my baby was 'calm' 93 100.00%
I did all of the below and my baby was 'fussy' 126 100.00%
I did some of the below and my baby was 'calm' 109 100.00%
I did some of the below and my baby was 'fussy' 92 100.00%
I did none of the below and my baby was 'calm' 10 100.00%
I did none of the below and my baby was 'fussy' 3 42.86%
Other... 14 100.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 7. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-06-2008, 08:13 PM
 
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I only did a few of those things, and my dd was calm, happy, easy going.

BUT, she was sick a LOT. She's 15, and she's still sick a lot.
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Old 01-06-2008, 10:11 PM
 
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Are there babies who don't cry even once a day? Or fuss?

Did some of those things (most) and DS1 was not fussy.
Did some of those things (most) and DS2 was VERY "fussy" actually fussy is way too cute a word for it...

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
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Old 01-06-2008, 10:49 PM
 
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We do/did some of those things, and DS is a totally calm kid. Sure, he cries a bit every day, but he is not what people would label "fussy" by any stretch of the imagination.

I'm thinking it has a lot more to do with just who he is as a person, though. He's just always been laid back.

lemurmommies, loving wife to ruvalokiteshvara, proud moms to our intact son E (12/06), and mourning the loss of our daughter Noelle (stillborn 12/08).
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Old 01-06-2008, 11:18 PM
 
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One fussy baby, one calm baby, did exactly the same with both - actually, I was LESS attentive/responsive/AP to the calm baby than the fussy one since my fussy one was my first born, and frankly, the calm baby could handle less baby holding, etc.

I think the question, frankly, reveals some misunderstandings about the goals and purpose of AP, and what AP (and good parenting in general) is able to achieve.

There are no guarantees in life and no silver bullets. Sure, AP behaviors may increase the chance of an easy baby or may make parenting easier in some situations, but temperament and other factors will outweigh even the "best" parenting techniques.

And the list is full of techniques. AP is more than a checklist of techniques - and is more than "fixing" kids so they "behave" according to our standards of "good" babies. AP is about being in tune with your kids and trying to meet their needs, and not about meeting our own need* for a perfect/easy/"good" child.

Siobhan

* but parental needs should not be forgotten too - the needs of the FAMILY need to be met, to the best of the FAMILY'S ability. This includes mom.

You know the attributes for a great adult? Initiative, creativity, intellectual curiosity? They make for a helluva kid...
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Old 01-07-2008, 01:25 PM
 
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Well we have a girl.. So Circ didnt apply and she is pretty much a calm child. We figured out that she needed to be close to us otherwise she would scream as loud as she could. In fact she slept so much that I would have to wake her constantly to feed and change her. Then after we figured out that she needed us close to her(high need?)she really didnt cry, just kinda squeaked a bit
She is a very outgoing toddler and is gaining some independence , but still very high needs. She likes to have that attachment to both of us.
and we just love it too.

Mom to Bouncy Breastfed fly-by-nursing1.gifDD energy.gifLoving Woman to DH, RIP DS Born at 22 weeks  ribbonpb.gif

 

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Old 01-07-2008, 02:01 PM
 
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We did all that, except vaxing, my kids were vaxed until recently. Both of them cried but only when they needed something. We did have to go through the colicky, fussy stuff.
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Old 01-07-2008, 04:27 PM
 
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Well I did *some* of the above - and I consider my kids to be calm - although that doesn't mean that they didn't have fussy times occassionally. But I just considered them to be "normal fussy" if that makes any sense.

I have a friend whose baby was truly colicky - of course it turns out she was STARVING her since she only breastfed on a schedule. At least she finally found a lactation consultant who told her to feed her baby - then she stopped being such an unhappy baby.

Maybe by some people's standards my kids are "fussy" but I just consider them to be normal. I was always able to calm them with the boob or just holding them.

peace,
robyn
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Old 01-07-2008, 04:38 PM
 
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Girl...No circ
I did vax, although I might have delayed/selective if I had known more ...no vax (I don't necessarily consider this AP, but can see how it might cause a baby to be 'fussy')
I had a scheduled c-section due to a uterine reconstructive surgery. Probably not the most gentle way to enter the world, but DP and I were calm and content with the decision....gentle birth
Every hour or more for the first 6 months or so then around the clock about every 3 hours ...breastfeed on cue
until about 10 months, well she really didn't "sleep" much...coslept
still no .... no cio

Fussy was an understatement. She was alert and aware from day1. People would say "don't let her get overstimulated" ... She woke up overstimulated. She is an inferno of passion, energy and temper. So difficult and so much fun.
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Old 01-07-2008, 04:54 PM
 
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My ds was circed , vaxed to 12 mos , and it wasn't a gentle birth . I was unconscious for hours after his birth, so he didn't nurse at first, and did bonding with dp.
We did bf on cue, cosleep, and held him ALL the time. (Literally, he was in someone's arms at LEAST 23 hours a day- he wouldn't sleep if he wasn't in my arms).
He didn't cry much as long as he was held and nursed when he wanted to be.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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Old 01-07-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
Are there really people who think if you do everything just right, your child will never cry?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..whew, let me catch my breath.
I know, just wait till the kid is two!

Mom to DS 5/05 and DD 9/08
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Old 01-08-2008, 01:45 AM
 
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I did all that stuff when my kids were babies, but for some reason it didn't "stick" with my second one! He was calm as a baby, but now at 17 months Henri will whine or scream about something many times a day. He gets so frustrated with his older brother stealing toys from him and learning how to "hold his own" around here. That and there's lots of tumbles and head bumps because he's fearless and doesn't ever look to see what's in front of him. He was a piece-of-cake baby, now he's a whirlwind toddler and things are totally different. Paddy, my 2 year old, was always pretty calm...but then again no one was ever there to steal his toys or pick on him.
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Old 01-08-2008, 04:33 AM
 
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vaxing isn't AP? Are you serious?
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Old 01-08-2008, 04:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by wannabe View Post
vaxing isn't AP? Are you serious?
I think that maybe she was referring to the fact that some kids can react negatively to being vaxed. I'm not sure she meant that vaxing meant you weren't AP. I vaxed ds1 completely, though delayed later on, but I still consider myself to be very AP with him.

 
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Old 01-08-2008, 05:02 AM
 
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My dd was unvaxed (until age 2), no CIO not even a second, worn almost constantly, slept mostly on me, blah blah blah blah blah.

She was calm as a baby in some respects, fussy in others. No, she did not cry a lot, but I went to extreme measures to keep her from crying. I often stood in the bathroom with all of the water sources running full blast, while rocking her vigorously, for over an hour. Because if I stopped rocking or turned off the water she would wail. To put her to sleep took hours of walking her in the sling. If I stopped she would cry. But I was determined to be AP Superwoman so I did actually manage it so she didn't cry so much!

And when she turned about 6 months, the sleep thing continued to be hard (actually it got progressively worse over the next year) but her disposition became so sunny, she was such a happy and alert baby, and seemed quite calm in almost every situation.

As a young toddler she was very normal. On the go, but not overly so. Other than the sleep, no issues besides the normal developmental ones.

Now she is a 2.5 yo and I'd say the same. She has her little fussy quirks. She is somewhat high-needs. But she is not the most hyper or UN-calm kid I know who is her age, by a long shot. I don't know how better to describe it; just in the middle I guess, temperament-wise. She is very chatty and interested in the world. She also is defiant and throws tantrums sometimes, and we still have a real hard time at night with bedtime although she finally (hallelujah) sleeps through.

I have no idea whether anything I did contributed to her personality, or what. My feeling is that her temperament is somewhat high-needs but not seriously high-needs, and that she is securely attached and happy, and that parenting has obviously contributed to this. But parenting cannot obviate crying or tantrums or difficult behavior; I think almost every kid (excepting kids born with serene temperaments who are just sort of immune to difficult behavior - I'm told they exist) has periods of difficult behavior and developmentally normal frustration, defiance, crying (for an infant), whatever.

All we can do is try to understand why it happens and help our kids make the most of their temperaments. I'm not sure stopping all crying should be the overall goal with infants, actually, although it was a major focus of my day. I just couldn't bear to hear her cry. Perhaps it was the right thing; I just don't see how it would have been feasible if I had had to work or had had another child...I refuse to believe that parents of 2 or more are somehow shortchanging #2, #3 etc. if they can't prevent all of their crying the way they might have been able to for #1. I think babies are more resilient than that.

I also want to say that AP practices have helped foster an amazing bond between my dd, my dh and I. I am SO glad I "found AP". Yet, there are things I would do differently, not as AP, if I had them to do over. I would not cling to co-sleeping when it obviously wasn't working for anyone. I would nightwean sooner. I would learn how to swaddle a baby properly; that might have helped her sleep better in the early days!! And, most of all, I would TRY not to beat myself up so much for not being a perfect mama.
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Old 01-08-2008, 12:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think that maybe she was referring to the fact that some kids can react negatively to being vaxed. .
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:40 PM
 
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I clicked other. I did all of the below and baby was calm, except for her evening fussy hour in the first few months. Or the times my diet consisted of wheat, dairy, tomato.

Decluttering 500/2010
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Old 01-11-2008, 09:39 PM
 
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I skimmed, but didn't read all the posts.

I did all of those things. DS has had everything a baby could want. But he is extremely volatile.

He can go from giggling and squealing with delight, to red-faced inconsolable screaming in about a second over apparently nothing. Then I work my butt off trying to calm him back down as quickly as possible to spare his nervous system and endocrine system from the damage.

Once we accepted that DS WILL cry, a lot, DH and I became much less stressed. Before that, I was a wreck and crying all the time myself.

Even if I do NOTHING but attend to him 24/7, he will scream. So, I feel less guilty about him screaming while I take care of MY needs, since he would be screaming anyway. Less guilty, but still guilty. I don't handle guilt well, which is why before he was born I always did the right thing -- because I was so extremely avoidant of feeling guilty. Now it is impossible not to feel guilty, because no matter what I do it is not possible to keep him happy.

Leigh, mama to Rostislav homeborn Aug 9 2007, and Oksana homeborn Feb 24 2011.
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Old 01-11-2008, 10:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BunnySlippers View Post
I clicked other. I did all of the below and baby was calm, except for her evening fussy hour in the first few months.
This was DS2, for the most part.

I chose the first option because I'd consider him a very "calm" baby. I can honestly only remember 3-4 nights where I actually had to walk the floor with him during a particular fussy time. He had fussy tantrums in the evening when my milk supply wasn't enough for him, but those stopped when my supply increased.

Btw, I think every baby "cries at least once a day" (as stated in the OP), regardless of parenting styles. I wouldn't consider that the threshhold for being labeled "fussy".
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Old 01-11-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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I don't like the 'AP as a shopping list' concept and I haven't read all the posts but I think AP affects the way you react to a baby crying; it doesn't prevent it.
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Old 01-11-2008, 11:29 PM
 
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I think AP affects the way you react to a baby crying; it doesn't prevent it.
Excellent point That's pretty much my attitude, as well.

I think the idea (about AP) that if you "do it right" your baby will never cry just sets moms up for guilt and stress.
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Old 01-12-2008, 12:02 AM
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Both girls were parented almost identically in terms of our parental approach (some AP, some not). Their birth experiences were not dissimilar. My youngest is calm and happy and easily soothed. My first had scorching colic from the age of 5 days until well past 2 months. (She's fine now at 4 /2 )

A parent really doesn't have that much control over a newborn's personality. It always seems kind of narcissistic of me when people think they do.
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Old 01-12-2008, 12:17 AM
 
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if by cry and fussy you mean when there is nothing wrong, for 'no' reason at all then no all of mine were not like that.
but if you mean cry until they get what they are wanting.. then yes definitely!! mostly it was for wanting to be held or nursing.
they all definitely had not so gentle birth. the oldest vacc'd a few times. the youngest no vacs ever. (but one had hospital iv), no circ, yes breastfeed on cue, yes coslept and no cio. (btw... maybe im reading this wrong, but NINE + 3 people picked they did none of the list meaning they USED CIO??? i didnt read all the posts so maybe it was before they found ap? hopefully yes! )
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