S/O: Anon poll about your kids being gay - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How would you feel if your kids grow up to be gay?
Thrilled--more gay is more better. 49 6.26%
Nonplussed--as long as they're happy, I'm good. 492 62.84%
Okay--I'd rather they were straight, but whatever. 132 16.86%
Disappointed--I think being gay is wrong and I don't want that for my kids. 82 10.47%
Angry--I'm so appalled by considering it that I can't imagine what I'd feel. 4 0.51%
Other, please explain 24 3.07%
Voters: 783. You may not vote on this poll

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#181 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 11:41 AM
 
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There's been a little discussion of that in this thread, so I'm repeating. I'm a bi woman, currently married to a man, but had the majority of my relationships with women. Personally, I find the "I'd be okay with it, but sad b/c my child would have to suffer pain" response a little misguided. Yes, in the US there are certainly practical concerns (guardianship of kids, medical responsibility for partners, etc.)--but people have choices about where they live and there are states (Massachusetts, Vermont) where equal rights legislation is in place. There are also many countries where this is the case. There are many cities in the US (New York, San Francisco, etc.) where being gay is not particularly unusual or problematic.
Unfortunately, my country is very far from achieving equal marriage rights. Society here is very conservative, in part because that's just our personality and in part because of the heavy influence the Catholic church has. I do believe it's not easy being homosexual here and I chose my answer accordingly. I'm glad to hear your experience has been positive overall and that places in the US and other countries are more open-minded, but that's not the case here.
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#182 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 12:05 PM
 
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Unfortunately, my country is very far from achieving equal marriage rights. Society here is very conservative, in part because that's just our personality and in part because of the heavy influence the Catholic church has. I do believe it's not easy being homosexual here and I chose my answer accordingly. I'm glad to hear your experience has been positive overall and that places in the US and other countries are more open-minded, but that's not the case here.
I wasn't responding to you in particular, and I know there are many countries (and states) where equal rights are far from a reality. The majority of posters are from the US, though, and that's the experience I can speak to. But I do believe that having a supportive family--wherever you are--goes a long, long way toward making life positive (whatever your sexual orientation).

ETA: Though I do want to reiterate that, even in places with less equality, being gay does not consign one to a life of difficulty anymore than being straight consigns one to a life of ease.
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#183 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 01:19 PM
 
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Personally, I find the "I'd be okay with it, but sad b/c my child would have to suffer pain" response a little misguided.
... I think people really need to get over the idea that being gay dooms you to a life of pain.
That is exactly what I was thinking, and the reason why I asked what the perception of the prejudice concerns was. Thanks for your response. I don't think any parent wants their child to have to face discrimination or intolerance for any reason. I've long thought, though, that saying "I wouldn't want them to be gay because it's so hard to be gay" seemed a little prejudiced in and of itself. I'm glad to know that my suspicion about the way that sentiment is received was accurate.

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For the majority of queer people I know, the major "pain" of their sexual orientation came from lack of acceptance by family--so if you commit to supporting your children, I think you can do away with what, in my mind, is the major "difficulty".
That was my hunch as well. Thanks for confirming it!

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#184 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 02:53 PM
 
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Beyond that, I think people really need to get over the idea that being gay dooms you to a life of pain.
Exactly! I said something along the same lines like eight pages ago. It really pains me to see all these responses about the horrible life that gay people have to endure. Anyone can have a life of pain, not just gay people. Being gay does not make someone's life worse.

And I have to say re: non-plussed. Frog has said numerous times that she cannot change the poll to change this word. I am positive that if she could change it she would have done it nine pages ago. I was an English major in college and I knew what she meant. As an English major, grammar has been very important to me, but in the scheme of things, it is not the end all be all to life and posting on the internet.
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#185 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 04:16 PM
 
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I couldn't care less what my kids end up being, orientation-wise.

But I still want a grandkid out of the deal, either way.

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#186 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 04:43 PM
 
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I
So I don't *want* my kids to be left-handed, but if one (or both) were, I would think that was really interesting and unique, and I would love that about them. And I'd be equally excited and proud if one of them were queer.

For what it's worth, it seems like some of the most interesting people I've known have been left-handed, and most of my closest, dearest friends have been queer.

And...if my child(ren) should turn out to be both gay AND left-handed...why, that's a recipe for success if I've ever heard one.
Well you don't want them to turn out left handed. THAT sets them up for a lifetime of more accidents. (really - google it!)

- I'm left handed btw
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#187 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 07:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by NYCVeg View Post
There's been a little discussion of that in this thread, so I'm repeating. I'm a bi woman, currently married to a man, but had the majority of my relationships with women. Personally, I find the "I'd be okay with it, but sad b/c my child would have to suffer pain" response a little misguided. Yes, in the US there are certainly practical concerns (guardianship of kids, medical responsibility for partners, etc.)--but people have choices about where they live and there are states (Massachusetts, Vermont) where equal rights legislation is in place. There are also many countries where this is the case. There are many cities in the US (New York, San Francisco, etc.) where being gay is not particularly unusual or problematic.

Beyond that, I think people really need to get over the idea that being gay dooms you to a life of pain. The ONLY pain I ever experienced as a queer person had to do with my relationship with my parents. Had my parents been open and supportive, I can honestly say I would not have "suffered" b/c of my sexual orientation. I was out in high school and college and never experienced teasing, discrimination, bullying, etc. I've walked the streets of many cities and towns holding hands with a girlfriend, and I've never gotten harrassed. Or COURSE it can happen. But that can happen for many reasons--the color of your skin, the way you dress, your weight, your gender, etc.

I just can't imagine it being "okay" to say something like, "I would support my child if he or she was an interracial relationship, but I would be sad b/c I know how much pain and trouble it would cause." For the majority of queer people I know, the major "pain" of their sexual orientation came from lack of acceptance by family--so if you commit to supporting your children, I think you can do away with what, in my mind, is the major "difficulty". Please, don't pity me or my queer friends for the "pain" and "suffering" and "difficulty" we've been through--I don't know any queer people who, given the option, would choose to be straight (though I'm sure they exist).
Amen. I tried to write out some similar sentiments but couldn't make it coherent enough to hit submit.

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#188 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 08:12 PM
 
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I will be happy if my children find someone who loves and values them. If that is a man for my boys and a woman for my girls I will be happy. My sister has found love with a woman who she will marry in a civil ceremony this year and we will all be there to share their day.

We were raised Catholics and our family had many gay friends partly through the theatre and my uncle and nan's work, partly through the church - yes and partly through my dad's lifelong best friend who is gay.

I find intolerance of sexuality, especially on religious grounds, quite ridiculous.
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#189 of 230 Old 02-02-2008, 08:31 PM
 
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Personally, I find the "I'd be okay with it, but sad b/c my child would have to suffer pain" response a little misguided.

Very good point. THis thread actually has had me reflecting deeper into my own views regarding homosexuality.
Sadly, despite having gay friends and thinking that I was ok with it, I really find that I am not. I guess I am prejudiced because of my ignorance.
Most of my gay friends haven't come out yet. The rest who are are always heartbroken and feel taken advantaged of by their relationships with other men. Maybe the culture that I grew up in makes it really hard for homosexuals to find long-lasting and meaningful relationships and I think that my worries mostly stem from that. I would like for my children to find loving and respectful relationships which I personally have not seen among my gay friends. Maybe my world is just a little bit too small and maybe I need to expand it a bit. How? I don't know but I know that bottomline is, I am prejudiced and it's not something I want to be.
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#190 of 230 Old 02-03-2008, 03:22 AM
 
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I've never heard of that usage in my life.
yeah. Me neither. Except for when I've been unimpressed.

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- I'm left handed btw
me too. And frankly, it was a PIA during elementary school. No freakin' left-handed scissors. It helped me be ambidextrous though.

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Personally, I find the "I'd be okay with it, but sad b/c my child would have to suffer pain" response a little misguided. Yes, in the US there are certainly practical concerns (guardianship of kids, medical responsibility for partners, etc.)--but people have choices about where they live and there are states (Massachusetts, Vermont) where equal rights legislation is in place. There are also many countries where this is the case. There are many cities in the US (New York, San Francisco, etc.) where being gay is not particularly unusual or problematic.
Yes, absolutely, but it begs the question of where does one live and also interact meaningfully and frequently with extended, open family members? Presuming, of course, that one chooses to do so. And I do. And so does DH. And maybe our children will want to as well. Do I hope for that? Kind of no and kind of selfishly yes. If that makes sense. But family, our connection and desire to be near, do interact with where we choose to live. It just so happens that I live in a relatively (to the rest of the U.S.) open, liberal area. But people still giggle and point and wonder and my kids will frankly have enough trouble with others wondering if their father is illegal (no, he's not, and is in fact a citizen, but WTF do you care?--not you here at mdc, in general) without having yet another item to add to the agenda. So while I agree with you in theory, the application of it may differ considerably depending on extenuating circumstances.
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#191 of 230 Old 02-03-2008, 11:00 AM
 
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I wasn't responding to you in particular, and I know there are many countries (and states) where equal rights are far from a reality. The majority of posters are from the US, though, and that's the experience I can speak to. But I do believe that having a supportive family--wherever you are--goes a long, long way toward making life positive (whatever your sexual orientation).

ETA: Though I do want to reiterate that, even in places with less equality, being gay does not consign one to a life of difficulty anymore than being straight consigns one to a life of ease.
I know you weren't responding to me in particular, I just wanted to clarify my position a little more.

Isn't the US very diverse, though? Aren't there some deeply religious areas where a homosexual person wouldn't be accepted? And not everybody has the possibility to move wherever they want to. I agree that being homosexual isn't the kiss of death so to speak, but I think it's naïve to believe it won't bring you trouble at all (if you live somewhere where your sexuality will not be accepted).

And yes, I definitely agree that having a supportive family makes all the difference.
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#192 of 230 Old 02-03-2008, 11:30 AM
 
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There's been a little discussion of that in this thread, so I'm repeating. I'm a bi woman, currently married to a man, but had the majority of my relationships with women. Personally, I find the "I'd be okay with it, but sad b/c my child would have to suffer pain"
......
Please, don't pity me or my queer friends for the "pain" and "suffering" and "difficulty" we've been through--I don't know any queer people who, given the option, would choose to be straight (though I'm sure they exist).
I totally agree with this post. I used to think along those lines, then one day it dawned upon me that I'm not exactly in a position of power in society either and while there have been some stinky moments because I'm a woman of colour, the good by far outweigh's the bad. So while I will support my sons if they are gay or straight and any discrimination they may face as a gay man, just as I would if they should face discrimination as a POC, but it's not something that is going to worry me any more than say my son driving down the 401 (busiest highway in North America). But also maybe I have that luxery to not worry too much because I live in Toronto.

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#193 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 06:26 AM
 
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I did not read all the posts, but since I voted "other feel I have to explain.

I really do mostly want DS just to be happy and to be with whatever kind of partner makes him happy. However, I want my grandkids. I want grandkids who are biologically mine. I want grandkids who have a mommy and all that whatnot.

So, It is fine if DS is gay and happy with his male partner as long as they meet a nice lesbian couple who are happy to share the joys of raising children with them. Then my grandkids will have 2 mommies and 2 daddies, and I'll be happy for them all.

If I manage to have more children then it's ok if one is gay and doesn't want children, or even straight and doesn't want kids.

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#194 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 09:38 AM
 
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However, I want my grandkids. I want grandkids who are biologically mine. I want grandkids who have a mommy and all that whatnot.
When you say you "want"....want do you mean exactly do you mean? Do you mean "that would be nice", "in the best possible scenario"...or do you mean it is *really* really important and you'd be very disappointed if it didnt happen that way? As a mom of one bio child who will soon be adopting another child, it would kinda bum me out to think a family member (esp a parent) would feel disappointed (instead of joyful) at the addition of a non-genetically-related child to the family. And of course its not just gay people who may choose to not have kids at all or who adopt kids.


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#195 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 04:17 PM
 
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i voted "other" because i would be happy either way, but i wouldn't be "nonplussed" i'd be neutral.
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#196 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 05:15 PM
 
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However, I want my grandkids. I want grandkids who are biologically mine.
Several people have said this. Would one of you please address the question a few people have posed regarding how you'd feel if your heterosexual DC experienced infertility and had a grandchild who wasn't biologically yours?

I've seen so many threads about how adopted children are perceived to be treated differently by grandparents than bio-children, and I have to say I'm a little sad to see that preference so blatantly stated by several posters within this thread alone.

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#197 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 05:31 PM
 
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^sorry to digress from the topic of this thread but why is there so much judgment on people's choices/preference on who they love?
In my head, I feel that I won't be able to love another kid as much as I love my bio kids. This is what keeps me from exploring adopting. Even though I know that we can probably give some child a better life than what he/she has right now, I feel that it is not fair to them if I take them in and love them less than my bio kids.
I don't love my friends' children as much as I love my own and I don't expect them to love my child as much as they love theirs either.
Some people are capable of erasing that distinction between bio kids and their non-bio kids and kudos to them. Kudos to you (collective). You are good souls and good people. But why the judgment on those who can't?
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#198 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 06:23 PM
 
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^sorry to digress from the topic of this thread but why is there so much judgment on people's choices/preference on who they love?
In my head, I feel that I won't be able to love another kid as much as I love my bio kids. This is what keeps me from exploring adopting. Even though I know that we can probably give some child a better life than what he/she has right now, I feel that it is not fair to them if I take them in and love them less than my bio kids.
I don't love my friends' children as much as I love my own and I don't expect them to love my child as much as they love theirs either.
Some people are capable of erasing that distinction between bio kids and their non-bio kids and kudos to them. Kudos to you (collective). You are good souls and good people. But why the judgment on those who can't?
There's a difference between feeling adoption isn't right for you personally and saying that you will accept your child as gay only IF they have biological kids, because adopted grandchildren aren't what YOU want.
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#199 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 07:50 PM
 
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Somewhere between nonplussed and thrilled - essentially, if one of my existing kids were to be gay, that's fine by me. I wouldn't love them any more / less. And I'd rather the gay kids get born into *my* family than some of the other less supportive families out there.
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#200 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 08:46 PM
 
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I'm sad that at the time of my voting, even just one single queer child from any number of over 200 parents on MDC might be struggling with their sexual identity --- dealing with fear and isolation and confusion --- in an unsupportive, heterosexist environment, whether blatantly or implied.

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#201 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 08:53 PM
 
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Some people are capable of erasing that distinction between bio kids and their non-bio kids and kudos to them. Kudos to you (collective). You are good souls and good people. But why the judgment on those who can't?
No one is talking about whether you personally want to adopt kids or not...we are talking about the insistence on having bio *grandkids*...will you also not love adopted grandkids as much as your bio ones? Will you think of nonbio grandkids like "neighbor kids" and not truly "yours"? If so, i DO judge that and find it sad, because it hurts families and it hurts children. How would you like to be the grandkid that was less favored because they werent "real"? It happens. Its sad. You dont have to have a gay child to worry about this either...any child of yours could end up dealing with infertility issues, or marry a spouse who has kids from a previous relationship that your adult child ends up parenting or even adopting. Or they simply could decide adopting is a good way to expand their family. Its something to think about ,at least, to figure out for yourself why that would bother you, or why having a genetically related grandchild is important.

This may seem to be veering off topic, but i dont think it is really, because at the root is basically a prejudice against someone because they are different from you (general you.)


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#202 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 08:54 PM
 
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I'm sad that at the time of my voting, even just one single queer child from any number of over 200 parents on MDC might be struggling with their sexual identity --- dealing with fear and isolation and confusion --- in an unsupportive, heterosexist environment, whether blatantly or implied.
Statistically, it's this side of certain that's happening, or will happen in the relatively near future.
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#203 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 09:01 PM
 
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Several people have said this. Would one of you please address the question a few people have posed regarding how you'd feel if your heterosexual DC experienced infertility and had a grandchild who wasn't biologically yours?

I've seen so many threads about how adopted children are perceived to be treated differently by grandparents than bio-children, and I have to say I'm a little sad to see that preference so blatantly stated by several posters within this thread alone.
I don't think I could even begin to adaquately address answering this question in the space and time allowed by this format. However, it is important to face the fact that many parents would be much more accepting and supportive of their gay children if they did not fear that it lessened the possiblity of grand kids.

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#204 of 230 Old 02-04-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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I'd be excited for either girl, as would hubby. I think it would be an exciting adventure to begin a search for love. (Dating/finding a mate is always an adventure whether gay or straight!)

I can imagine my girls grown up either way, and I don't think I would feel cheated out of a "proper" wedding, a Son In Law or "legitimate" grandkids. We will celebrate love and family however it comes, even if it is outside of cultural ideals.


I just want someone who loves them, makes them laugh and will be a good parent, gender is not important or up to me for that matter.
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#205 of 230 Old 02-05-2008, 09:40 AM
 
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I don't love my friends' children as much as I love my own and I don't expect them to love my child as much as they love theirs either.
And what does that have to do with adopted kids? If you're comparing how you'd love an adopted child to how you love your friends' children, then yeah, adoption clearly isn't for you.
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#206 of 230 Old 02-05-2008, 07:28 PM
 
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No one is talking about whether you personally want to adopt kids or not...we are talking about the insistence on having bio *grandkids*...will you also not love adopted grandkids as much as your bio ones? Will you think of nonbio grandkids like "neighbor kids" and not truly "yours"? If so, i DO judge that and find it sad, because it hurts families and it hurts children. How would you like to be the grandkid that was less favored because they werent "real"? It happens. Its sad. You dont have to have a gay child to worry about this either...any child of yours could end up dealing with infertility issues, or marry a spouse who has kids from a previous relationship that your adult child ends up parenting or even adopting. Or they simply could decide adopting is a good way to expand their family.
:

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I don't think I could even begin to adaquately address answering this question in the space and time allowed by this format.
I wish you (or someone who shares your view) would at least attempt to address the question.

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#207 of 230 Old 02-05-2008, 07:39 PM
 
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So, It is fine if DS is gay and happy with his male partner as long as they meet a nice lesbian couple who are happy to share the joys of raising children with them. Then my grandkids will have 2 mommies and 2 daddies, and I'll be happy for them all.

If I manage to have more children then it's ok if one is gay and doesn't want children, or even straight and doesn't want kids.

LOL.

Cuz it's all about us isn't it?

I understand what you are saying. I'm 43, and I am getting to that part of my life where I sorta wouldn't mind a grand kid. Particularly if it is my stepdaughter's child. (cuz that doesn't make as old somehow) But, I am starting to look forward to having a special child in my house that I can spoil with no "rules".
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#208 of 230 Old 02-05-2008, 08:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by queenjane View Post
No one is talking about whether you personally want to adopt kids or not...we are talking about the insistence on having bio *grandkids*...will you also not love adopted grandkids as much as your bio ones? Will you think of nonbio grandkids like "neighbor kids" and not truly "yours"? If so, i DO judge that and find it sad, because it hurts families and it hurts children. How would you like to be the grandkid that was less favored because they werent "real"? It happens. Its sad. You dont have to have a gay child to worry about this either...any child of yours could end up dealing with infertility issues, or marry a spouse who has kids from a previous relationship that your adult child ends up parenting or even adopting. Or they simply could decide adopting is a good way to expand their family. Its something to think about ,at least, to figure out for yourself why that would bother you, or why having a genetically related grandchild is important.

This may seem to be veering off topic, but i dont think it is really, because at the root is basically a prejudice against someone because they are different from you (general you.)


Katherine

Thank you for your response.
However, to use your example, I think that if I were to be disappointed with my child/ren not having their own babies (I really can't say for sure if I would be because I cannot see beyond my child being still a baby, much less, GRANDKIDS!!!! ), it probably wouldn't matter what the reason were- whether it's because they have a same-sex partner, have infertility issues, choose not to, etc. I would be just as disappointed, whatever reason it was. I'm really not quite the biology/evolution expert but somehow I would think that it's imprinted in most of us to propagate our genetics hence the desire for genetically related kin.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NYCVeg
There's a difference between feeling adoption isn't right for you personally and saying that you will accept your child as gay only IF they have biological kids, because adopted grandchildren aren't what YOU want.
Very good point. But being disappointed in your child not having a biological child/ren because he/she is gay doesn't quite equate to not accepting him/her as being gay, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by allegra
If you're comparing how you'd love an adopted child to how you love your friends' children, then yeah, adoption clearly isn't for you.
Yep, I really don't think it is for me. As much as I love my nieces and nephew, I cannot even say that my love for them comes close to how I love my own child.
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#209 of 230 Old 02-05-2008, 08:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I wish you (or someone who shares your view) would at least attempt to address the question.
To begin with some of it really can't be explained. Some people love coconut, others hate it. Those that hate it could never really explain to those that love itt why they hate it, and those that love it can never really explain to those that hate it why they love it. Some things just can't be expressed with words.

DS is insisting that I read him a book now, so I'll think about if there is any of it I can explain.

I would like to point out that there is a big difference between being disapointed if one doesn't get biogrand kids and giving adopted grand kids the cold shoulder.

Timmy's Mommy WARNINGyslexic typing with help of preschooler, beware of typos
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#210 of 230 Old 02-05-2008, 08:59 PM
 
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As this goes OT, it is getting even more upsetting to me than it even has been.

I do. not. get. it.

I do not get caring about the sexuality of our children.
I do not get wanting grandchildren.
I do not get not loving a human being because they did not come from your womb.

I feel like I'm on another planet.

I will love my children regardless of who they love.
I will love my children whether they have children or not.
I will love any child regardless of whose womb carried them.

I'm like : I don't know what to say...
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