**THIS IS LONG**Considering temporary care of DS to be placed on maternal grandfather - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-19-2008, 12:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have NO IDEA if I am even posting in the right place. I am LOST!

In order to recieve as much information and support as possible I need to tell the story from day one, as abbreviated as possible of course!

I gave birth to DS at age 18. Alone, terrified, and knowing that there was the option to adopt but choosing to care for him and not give up on him or myself. I finished out highschool, and lived with my mother for approx 6 months after DS birth. Realizing too quickly mothers cannot live with daughters being mothers. And chose to move in with my father. My son and I lived here with Dad until 5 mos. later he signed lease over to DS and myself and moved out to live with his gf.

My dad has been a major secondary role model in DS life since day one. taking him to "mommy and me" swim lessons since age 2 , coming by everyday to help with difficulties arising between DS and myself etc.

DS is diagnosed ADHD, non medicated by my choice. Severe behavioural difficulties, listening is NOT his strong suit, school is a nightmare, tidying bedroom and everything mundane daily routines is like pulling teeth with no annesthetics.

Shortly before DS 4th birthday found out I was expecting again with my partner of 3 1/2 yrs. Unfortunately, he chose to walk away saying "I am not ready to be a parent to my own child" i argued that he had essentially spent nearly 4 yrs parenting DS but this didn't matter. He was not ready. I let him walk away.

From day one it had always been 100% attention givin soley to DS. Just Mommy and Me. Day in day out. I knew once new bundle of joy arrived there would be some issues with sibling rivalry and jealousy but NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think it would get this bad.

After the birth of second child DS not only was dealing with divided attention of my time, energy and love (from his perspective) he also was dealing with the loss of ex and now introduction of my re-meeting highschool sweetheart and began dating eachother hoping to rekindle romance lost. From the beginning I knew this situation of partner, DS baby and I was not going well but by this point assumed like many single moms do; I will never get anything better. I must settle. I will regret this thought process for the rest of my life for what it caused between DS and myself and falling apart of family as a whole.

He was emotionally crude, rude, and abusvie to not only myself but DS also. It wasn't until later he became physically abusive but by this point it was too late. I was expecting another baby, he was taking off on a weekly basis. going to work in the A.M, my going about daily routine and preparing meal for dinner, only to realize at 10pm he had no intention of coming home. I was stuck. DS #1 was stuck between watching Mommy fall apart at the seams and lil brother crying ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT! (He was colicky) AND to top it all off, knew that I was to have yet another baby. This is when things got really really bad.

DS and I stopped talking, and began the journey into what we have become. We yelled, we fought all the time, he would never listen nor acknowledge anything I said. He would lash out at his baby brothers, myself and school friends. My sweet caring compassionate lil boy was turning into a spawn of satan himself! And I felt it happen, I would love to be able to say i never saw it coming and feel better about not having acted soner but I DID!! I saw him slipping away from me. I watched as my words to him became less affectionate and less caring as they had been for the four yrs alone we had spent together attached at the hip. I hated myself for letting it happen and not doing anything about it But i had no idea where to begin!

By a year later we had moved into a house. And partner still occasionally involved with his two (DS 2 and 3 were in his mind the ONLY children in the house. DS 1 was ignored, pushed aside and left to his own devices) While all the time I watched it like an idiot caught in between a crashing boat and the peir. i should have moved and tried to stop it but I was just too run down. I had no clue what to say or do. I just let him ruin my son. He would watch his step father scream, yell, throw things, walk out mid conversation b/c he didnt like what I was saying. I watched him as he looked at the swaering, namecalling, shoveing, pushing. hitting. I was helpless!!! I was ridiculously STUPID! I shoujld have just found a way to leave. But i niavely thought one day he would change and we would fix everything then and be a happy family like he promised one day we would be.

Now nearly 3 yrs after leaving DS has become what I jokingly refer to friends as the husband I never wanted. But it is sadly the truth. He has become exactly what my ex was!

Now to presently, 6 mos ago my father (DS grandfather) came to me and approached me with the idea of himself and my step mother taking temporary custody of DS to give us both the break we despirately need, the distance between himself and his siblings, Now 3 yrs old son, 4 yrs old son and 15 mos old daughter. Who all suffer each day in watching my frustrations build, anger build, yelling escalate and fights errupt for seemingly no reason at all. This house is not a safe house for oldest son myself and siblings to live in. I rejected the offer from my father at the time saying "NO! I have made him the way he is. I need to fix this. I will not give up on my first born! I won't do it"

That ended my relationship, and DS' with his grandfather. We just could not see eye to eye on anything anymore. He said that if I wasnt going to accept their help that he wanted nothing to do with us anymore pretty much. This was the hardest thing for me being Daddys lil girl to go through and DS having lost yet anther man in his life. I have F**ked him up so badly for all the mistakes I have made in raising him and putting him through all that I have.

A month ago things hit their breaking point between my son and I. He had not progressed to hitting not only his siblings who at all times I cannot keep away from him otherwise risk him feeling more isolated. He now hits me. He shoves me. He spits and throws things, swears etc. EVERYTHING ex used to do. I have many support systems in place, Childrens Aid, Family Services counsellors, school therapists, weekend breaks where all my 4 children go to gfs fo rme to have "me time"....but it's just not right. I love ALL my children equally but cannot function healthily with 9 yr old abusive "husband" in the picture. We need serious help. If he is not home, during school week etc. Our house has flawas yes, occasional fight breaks out between 3 and 4 yr old but Nothing compared to stress with 9 yr old home.

I called my father who again I havent spoken to in months! And cried to him. I asked him if the offer is still there. We are now in process of setting school transfer and everything up for him to leave next week.


PLEASE HELP! I feel ike a failure as a mother b/c I can handle my 1,3 and 4 yrs olds better than the 9 yr old I had and vowed to stick it out thru thick and thin.... My line is far too thin now and I am at the end of my rope!
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Old 02-19-2008, 01:02 PM
 
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...That ended my relationship, and DS' with his grandfather...He said that if I wasnt going to accept their help that he wanted nothing to do with us anymore pretty much....
OOOOOOH You never told me this part. I thought you chose to distance yourself; but the fact that he was doing it to try and 'force' you into doing what he wanted makes me extra super mad. What a UA violation!!

Since we already talk about my views and idea's on the whole situation; I'll step aside here and let other's give you some thoughts and idea's.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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Old 02-19-2008, 01:11 PM
 
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First, of all I am so sorry for all that you have gone thru. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for your part in this whole mess which I think is a great thing and will only help make you a better human, mother, friend, daughter, etc.
I do not think it was right for your father to cut you off, but then again, he was probably frustrated watching what was going on with your life, your children, etc and couldn't sit around and watch it anymore, it was probably too painful.
That being said, it sounds to me that your little man needs a fresh start, a new atmosphere. You can take the next couple of years to get yourself together, maybe finish your relationship with your SO and move on completely, maybe go to school, start working on yourself. I think it will be a good thing for your 9 year old to get that second chance, it is not too late for him, deep inside he is still that little boy who just wants his mommy and his family to be whole, so to send him to live in a home with love and attention will be a gift. Make sure he knows that its not that you don't want him, but that his grandfather wants him so much.

Good luck and remember, you deserve a good life too.
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Old 02-19-2008, 01:25 PM
 
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WOW. I think you need some serious counseling, for both you and your children. Even if you allow your DS to move in with Grandpa, don't think ALL the problems are going to magickly "go away" and every one will be hunky dorey, because it wont. There are tons of issues at play, and it all starts with you.

I don't like the idea of "let him live with me, or I won't talk to you " but, on the other hand, I'm sure it was SUPER painfull to watch you go through this with your children.

Put your children and their safety first and foremost. Get counseling.

I hope there are more experienced people out here that give you better advice than I have.

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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Old 02-19-2008, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just note. SO is not an equation. Left him 3 yrs ago.
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Old 02-19-2008, 01:46 PM
 
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First let me say that I'll be praying for you today. I cannot imagine how hard all of this is for you. I know you love all your babies and it must break a mother's heart to be in this type of situation.

Second you need to know that it took a whole lot of dysfunction to get to where your family is right now and it's going to take a whole lot of work to get to a place of healing.

Last, I am not anything but a mama myself and so not qualified to give any theraputic type advice but I can give you some ideas.

1.) Therapy - some serious hard hitting in your face therapy to deal with the very real and very powerful emotions on all sides. Not someone who's going to pander to either your son or you but someone who will tell you the truth even if it hurts so that you can really make progress.

2.) You are aware that there was a lot you did wrong that has brought all of this about...what you need to do now is change those habits and thought processes in yourself so that you can change the habits and thought processes in your family. What I mean here is - it's time to put your emotional needs aside for a little bit as regards a partner and focus on your children's needs. As you've said your son is a lot like your ex. You've gotten rid of ex and now need to teach your son that ex is gone because that kind of behavior is not accepted.

3.) You have to stop fighting with your son. I recommend what I might call "aggressive loving." When your son hits you, yells, spits, etc then you run TO him (not away) and hug him (by force if necessary) and hold him and say calmly but in a voice that he'll know you mean it and you're going to keep meaning it, that you love him. What will most likely happen is that he'll fight you to get away. He'll say awful hurtful things to you. It'll get worse before it gets better. But I really believe that what your son wants more than anything is to know that you love him and that he is more important to you than anything else in the world...more important than exes and so important that mommy is willing to do everything in her power to love him. I foresee a breakthrough eventually if you'll keep doing it where in the midst of the fighting against you one day he'll break down in tears and cry. Then you can talk. Until then you've got to love him whether it's against his will or not and tell him you love him until he believes it.

4.) You need to ask his forgiveness. There's a lot of things that you've done that in his eyes makes you the bad one in the situation. Some of that is justified. You need to confess to him all of it and ask him to forgive you. Let him see the brokenness in your heart for him. His response will probably not be favorable but you still need to do it.

5.) Remember he's a child. He's only nine years old. In so many ways he's still such a baby. You cannot expect him to think or act like an adult or carry any kind of responsibility in the relationship between you and him as an adult would. You must carry it all and not become the needy child yourself. Now I'm not saying this because you are but just to kind of refocus you from seeing him as the "husband you never wanted" to the baby that you wanted all your life.

6.) However the logistics of custody and living arrangements work for now the goal in the end must be to restore your family (you and your children) back together in wholeness. Maybe your ds needs some time away right now but you have to make sure that he and you and the other children and grandfather - everyone - knows that ds will be coming home eventually. What you don't want is to make him (ds) feel like you're throwing him away or just getting rid of him. I know that's not what you're doing and you know it but ds is a very hurt and probably scarred little boy and needs to know it. (Just telling him probably won't be enough.)

Mama, I'm sorry that things are so very hard for you right now but with God's help all can be restored. I will pray for you today and hope that you will all seek out the professional therapy you need. Sending you :
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Old 02-19-2008, 01:51 PM
 
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I grew up in a bad situation. Not quite the same, but just as bad. I started staying with friends when I was about 12.... and my mother let me go probably because she knew deep down that it was better for me I know. BUT I still feel like she gave up on me. I think that if you send your son to live with your father, he may feel that you are giving up on him. (he is not at an age to understand) I think that you both need major help, but I am not sure that him moving away from you is the way to do it. Could your father come to your house and stay with you for a while? Maybe he could help that way. Im not sure what to advise, but I am so sorry for your situation. I applaud you for taking responsibility for your role in this.

I sincerely hope that things change for you, and your family.
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Old 02-19-2008, 02:08 PM
 
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There is a difference between a threat and a statement of what one will do in a certain circumstances. Notifying her that he wouldn't continue to be around if she didn't take his offer is not necessarily an attempt at coercion. Just providing her with that info for her to take it into consideration in making a decision.

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Old 02-19-2008, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First let me say that I'll be praying for you today. I cannot imagine how hard all of this is for you. I know you love all your babies and it must break a mother's heart to be in this type of situation.


Precious Treasures...

Thank You So much!!! I cannot express words of grattitude in response to your message. I have spent the last 24 hours crying. This made me pause for aminutes, cry some more and then felt better. The thought that complete strangers can say something so moving and helpful to me not even knowing me personally blows me away! Thank you again.
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Old 02-19-2008, 02:21 PM
 
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You have a lot going on. I want to address one specific issue that may help relieve alot of stress for you and your son which could help put your family back on track.

DS is diagnosed ADHD, non medicated by my choice. Severe behavioural difficulties, listening is NOT his strong suit, school is a nightmare, tidying bedroom and everything mundane daily routines is like pulling teeth with no annesthetics.

By choosing not to medicate you are making his life and your life so much more difficult.I do not in anyway agree with the medications for this but when things are that bad( he abuses you and your kids) i would seriously consider it. He could be calm,rational and actually excel in school with help.I have seen this with many children who found the right treatment and the right dosage. It changed the entire families lives. If you are adament against med's then you must have a place where you live who specialized in special needs children. Getting a behavioral therapist to intervene could help your family immensly. A behavioral therapist can come to your home and observe and then set up a plan to help you with dealing with him and vice versa. Your son will be hitting puberty before you know it and this will only compound things.

I hope you look at this as helpful information and supportive, which is all i mean by it.
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Old 02-19-2008, 02:23 PM
 
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...Not someone who's going to pander to either your son or you but someone who will tell you the truth even if it hurts so that you can really make progress...
You knot you have me here to do this. I'll tell you the hard truth if you want it; and I'll walk with you to help you sort through the problems. I've already promised this; but I just wanted to remind you.

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...He's only nine years old...
I think this will be the most difficult thing to remember. When he was here last night; I had to remind myself how young he was. He looks and acts older than his age in many ways (what I mean by that is that he's a very responsible boy); and helping him with his homework; I kept finding myself caught off guard that his writing wasn't very good....and had to remind myself that he's only in third grade so of course it's not. I imagine it would be extra difficult to remember how young he is when you're dealing with him every day.

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...You cannot expect him to think or act like an adult or carry any kind of responsibility in the relationship between you and him as an adult would. You must carry it all and not become the needy child yourself. Now I'm not saying this because you are but just to kind of refocus you from seeing him as the "husband you never wanted" to the baby that you wanted all your life....
I quoted that, because it was worth repeating.

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...the goal in the end must be to restore your family (you and your children) back together in wholeness. Maybe your ds needs some time away right now but you have to make sure that he and you and the other children and grandfather - everyone - knows that ds will be coming home eventually...
Right. This is what I mentioned the other night. This can be a good solution if it's used properly. The goal is to work towards a better future. You definitely need a clear, concise plan and timeline. I will definitely help you with this if you want me to.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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Old 02-19-2008, 02:27 PM
 
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There is a difference between a threat and a statement of what one will do in a certain circumstances. Notifying her that he wouldn't continue to be around if she didn't take his offer is not necessarily an attempt at coercion. Just providing her with that info for her to take it into consideration in making a decision.
I expressly disagree. There were other ways BOTH her parents could have helped. It takes the active participation of many people to raise children properly; and she's been very much left to her own devices. It was "my way or the highway"...when it could have been "ok, how about if he comes here one weekend a month to take a load off you?" or "can we enroll him in some therapy and I can come pick him up and bring him there for you since you have no way to do that". She didn't want to send her child to live with him; so he decided to withdrawl all help.

WARNING: The comments and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of the community in which I reside; or those of the internet parenting network.
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Old 02-19-2008, 02:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is all VERY overwhelming to me to see such a great response so far. I have so many things going on in my head, heart and home that I cannot possibly reply to each post individually. I will however say that at a time when the chaos of kids running around (bedtime) I will respond and include as many quotes, etc as possible.
Thank you for your support, words and thoughts.

I do have to add just one thing here before it slips my mind. Not medicating is my choice not b/c I dont realize the benifits of medications but b/c I am not sure the diagnosis was correct. At present time in process of waiting for confirmation of appt with Child Psychologist to run many more tests to determine where he is at.

Also. He has individual support for behaviour modification in class at school. As well as Kinark Family service worker who comes inhome EACH week with new ideas, plans of action etc.
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Old 02-19-2008, 02:51 PM
 
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If you are adament against med's then you must have a place where you live who specialized in special needs children.
Another option if you don't want to medicate is heavy education on nutrition to see if the ADD diet-type ideas work for your son. I know families who have used it successfully, but it can be tedious. If he's truly got a neurological issue, then you need to look to some type of treatment for him, whether it's traditional medication or alternative treatments.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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Old 02-19-2008, 03:06 PM
 
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This is probably going to seem like such an elementary suggestion at this point... but have you considered mega doses of a good quality fish oil for him? This is a fantastic natural mood stabalizer and regardless of the true diagnosis it is wonderfully healthy! Can't hurt either way. I totally respect your need to make sure that he is properly diagnosed.

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Old 02-19-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.

If you had a healthy relationship with your parents, then I could see the value in letting DS go live with Grandpa (or is it Grandma and Grandpa?) for a while. But under the circumstances, I'm not sure it would be the best thing for him- would it feel like he was being "abandoned" by mom? The way your father handled the separation months ago is very telling- would it have been too hard to call DS on the phone occasionally?

It sounds to me like your 9yo has some kind of mental health problem that needs to be treated. He's not doing well without medication right now. Certainly try the fish oil and take him off artificial additives in his diet (have you looked into the feingold program for him?) but he may need some medication as well, at least in the short term.

If you do decide to let DS live with your dad for a few months, be sure that whatever paperwork you set up is temporary. You don't want to have a custody battle on your hands next year.

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Old 02-19-2008, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think it would be wise for me to inform all of you that the title for the post should not read "Considering" I wasn't sure how to word it to say it has been indefinitely decided the best solution for DS, myself and other children.

I am only putting this as an add-on b/c alot of you are making suggestions for things to do with him living with me. I want you all to know this is happening. In 5 days I will no longer be a stay at home single mom of 4 but rather it will go down to 3.

Although I appreciate all the input and advice for coping strategies , I would prefer to not be in reciept of "you can try" "you should do" etc posts. I guess what I am really looking for is support in dealing with this for myself, DS1,2, 3 and DD. Through the entire process. If that makes sense.
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Old 02-19-2008, 09:59 PM
 
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You know what? You're gonna be ok. You guys will get through this, ds will get the help and support and the one-on-one attention that he needs right now. Let BluRaz help you out and be there for you (I truly enjoy seeing her posts all over mothering) and you will be there for your ds and your other 3.

It's ok. He's going to be fine.

Check Ruthla's siggie for the Feingold program . We had our ds (Asperger's syndrome) on it for a couple years and it was GREAT. I really helped us get through a rough patch w/ his behavior.

 upsidedown.gif  Please see my Community Profile! energy.gif blogging.jpg about Asperger's Syndrome!

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Old 02-19-2008, 10:09 PM
 
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Old 02-19-2008, 10:38 PM
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This is probably going to seem like such an elementary suggestion at this point... but have you considered mega doses of a good quality fish oil for him? This is a fantastic natural mood stabalizer and regardless of the true diagnosis it is wonderfully healthy! Can't hurt either way. I totally respect your need to make sure that he is properly diagnosed.
And how much sleep is he getting? At least 10 hours a night? Not getting enough sleep can mimic/cause ADHD symptoms.

I'd highly recommend reading the book Unconditional Parenting

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 02-19-2008, 10:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Plan on letting BluRazz help me. She's my outlet for everything. She's been a godsend to me in the past 6 months for sure!
Also, about sleep. DS gets adequate amount of sleep each night. He takes melatonin, goes down 9 pm and is up at 7am. The behaviour has significatnly gotten better from what it was before melatonin.
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Old 02-20-2008, 07:20 AM
 
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Sorry you're going through this.

Read your update post and I do want to give you a lot of support.

It sounds like your dad was harsh and that must have hurt, but it also sounds like he truly loves your DS and you and wants the best. I'm sure it will turn out really well. Your DS can be the center of attention for a while, still get the help he needs, and you can focus on your other LO and yourself and get yourself on track towards being what you want to be in every area of your life.

It takes a lot of courage to recognize and do the best thing for your child, even if it is breaking your heart, which I imagine it is. It is the essence of AP, though, to meet your child's needs at every stage and it sounds like your eldest son's needs, at this stage, are going to be better met with your dad and stepmom.

If you haven't already (and I know you didn't want "shoulds" in here!), I would sit down and explain that you're *not* abandoning him and that this *isn't* about him being "bad" but more about you all getting on track and him getting a lot of special time and attention from grandpa.

Hang in there. You sound strong and like you're really trying to create a good family despite all your difficulties in the past.
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Old 02-20-2008, 10:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is breaking my heart more so today after having sat DS down and had "the talk" last night. To try to explain to him this is not something that is his fault, but rather something we both need more than anything. He argued and pleaded and cried "No Mommy, I can change, I will be better. This is all my fault." I kept holding him by my side crying with him telling him that I know he can change, and be better but that the ONLY way right now at the point we have reached for this to happen is for us to TRY this. I have explained that there will be really hard times ahead, but in the end that I love him and we want him home with us again.

He was very reluctant to call and speak to his grandfatehr about any of it. Saying to me that it was not a good idea he try to talkto my father. He insisted that he would get yelled at, and I explained that there was nothing he could feel or say wrong. He did not want to talk still and said to me "it is not okay for me to swear and scream at Grandpa?" I replied no that swearing is not okay. He said "well then I cannot talk to him. Finally I managed to convince him to talk just for two minutes while I despirately needed to change his sister. This worked great! He cried and was angry and wouldnt talk for the first 5 minutes. But then spent 45 mins on the phone talking about all the things that would happen.

My father is bringing me boxes this week, we have a meeting Thursday to put all concerns, ideas out on the table between my Dad and myself. With my Childrens Services worker in my corner as the middle man.

Today is a new day....or so everyone keeps telling me.
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Old 02-25-2008, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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24 hours without him and counting....I made it through last night. I feel empty and bare. Missing him like crazy. I don't know if I can make it to the end of the school year...I really know I have to but I just can't think past the next five minutes right now
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Old 02-26-2008, 01:35 AM
 
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I am so sorry you have to go through this.
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Old 02-26-2008, 02:11 AM
 
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I just want to give you a big ((HUG)), OP.

My story's not exactly the same as yours, but my DS1 sounds like your DS1 - the first child of a young single mom, the ADHD, the upheaval in his life that I felt SO guilty for...... even the grand-parents who would step in with an offer like the one your dad laid out if things got really bad. I could have been in your exact shoes if I'd made a few slightly different choices. I know what it's like to make choices as a *woman* that make you feel like a bad *mom*... HUGS, HUGS and more HUGS.

You've gotten great advice from the other posters here and it sounds like you've taken a lot of it to heart. I would have said a lot of the same things. Therapy is a really good idea - and GOOD therapy, the kind that makes you spill it all out on the floor and put it back together again.
And really being vulnerably honest with your son and telling him you're sorry for things is a good place to start. I've said some painfully private things to my son, let down my guard and let him know that I was sorry for decisions I made. It was hard, but he deserved that from me and I promised him a few years ago that I would NEVER create drama and unhappiness in his life ever again and have held onto that promise like gold. You can turn this around. You've got a good break point here where you can start out on a new foot and be that mom you really want to be.

I'd also at least consider medication for your DS's ADHD. I put it off for a long time, blamed myself for his behavior, pretended if I was a "good mom" it would all just magically fix itself. After I got our life back together and everything had calmed down, it was still an issue, though. A lot of DS's angst came from really not being able to do the things he wanted to do - play happily, do well in school, have close friendships, etc. I think medication should be a last resort, but it is helpful for some kids. We tried all the diet changes (really wasn't much of a change for us, since we already stayed away from a lot of the "trigger foods"), tried supplements, limited TV, etc. I would at least keep it as an option to consider if it seems like you're making great progress in your relationship, but he's still struggling.
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Old 02-26-2008, 04:15 AM
 
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Quote:
It takes a lot of courage to recognize and do the best thing for your child, even if it is breaking your heart, which I imagine it is. It is the essence of AP, though, to meet your child's needs at every stage and it sounds like your eldest son's needs, at this stage, are going to be better met with your dad and stepmom.
I just wanted to quote this so you could read it again. Given the current situation and the fact your ds has ADHD, he needs much more one-on-one time and consistency than you can give him right now while he works through the issues he is facing. You are not dealing with a typical child so the remedies to the difficulties between you cannot be solved with typical solutions.

You HAVE NOT failed him by sending him to live with your father. You will only have failed him if you don't move forward and learn from this. Just getting him away from the constant negative interactions between you will likely make a huge difference for him.

Sometimes extreme situations call for extreme solutions. I really commend you for making such an impossible decision for your child. It is truly unselfish to want to allow him to go somewhere else in an effort to help him instead of hanging on at any cost. I sincerely hope you both get the help you need


 

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Old 02-27-2008, 12:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by singlemomof4 View Post
I think it would be wise for me to inform all of you that the title for the post should not read "Considering" I wasn't sure how to word it to say it has been indefinitely decided the best solution for DS, myself and other children.

I am only putting this as an add-on b/c alot of you are making suggestions for things to do with him living with me. I want you all to know this is happening. In 5 days I will no longer be a stay at home single mom of 4 but rather it will go down to 3.

Although I appreciate all the input and advice for coping strategies , I would prefer to not be in reciept of "you can try" "you should do" etc posts. I guess what I am really looking for is support in dealing with this for myself, DS1,2, 3 and DD. Through the entire process. If that makes sense.
Makes sense... just so you know I was suggesting the fish oil regardless of where he is living. I was assuming you'd still be working on finding solutions for him even though he wouldn't be with you. I think you'll have renewed clarity with a little time and you'll be able to be the greatest mama you can be for ALL of your kiddos. It's not forever... but imagine what effect your choice might have on forever? Good things are heading your way

Ima to Mizz.Jonas- 14, Isman- 12,Javsar- 9, Nani Gweesa- 4 and Baby Micah born into the Universe sleeping at full term Oct. 19th 2008 and Partner to Abba ~ belly.gif8/2011  Grateful to be Dead  broc1.gif
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Old 02-27-2008, 10:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just a quick update.....three days and counting. And this isn't getting any easier! DS#2 is taking this really really hard. He won't eat, he is sleeping all the time and refuses to even talk to me about it. He goes to school eachday and is so sad. He doesnt play with the other children at recess b/c it used to be his time with his big brother. His gr 3, 9 yr old brother used to shaft his own age friends each day just to spend that hour with his 4 yr old kindergarten brother, he misses him so much!

I am just waiting it out and hoping eventually he gets back to himself. DS #1 called us tonight, I havent talked to him since he left on Sunday. I started crying right away when I heard his tiny voice, it's been almost 9 yrs having him aruond every single day and finally it hits me during our phone call tonight how little he still is! Why didn't I see this before? I hate that everyone is going to be thinking the exact thing I am "you dont know what you have until it's gone" BUT it's the truth! I hate the truth! He is going to call me again alter before bed. Lets hope tonight he actually does. Last nigh the emailed me saying he loves me and misses me and that he would call later but never did. I went to bed with my phone in my hands just incase.

More another time when I am not so bumbarded with dishes, diapers and bathtime.

Somebody tell me the missing will cease some point soon!! My heart feels so empty and bare it's killing me.

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Old 02-27-2008, 10:14 PM
 
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Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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