I have NO IDEA if I am even posting in the right place. I am LOST!
In order to recieve as much information and support as possible I need to tell the story from day one, as abbreviated as possible of course!
I gave birth to DS at age 18. Alone, terrified, and knowing that there was the option to adopt but choosing to care for him and not give up on him or myself. I finished out highschool, and lived with my mother for approx 6 months after DS birth. Realizing too quickly mothers cannot live with daughters being mothers. And chose to move in with my father. My son and I lived here with Dad until 5 mos. later he signed lease over to DS and myself and moved out to live with his gf.
My dad has been a major secondary role model in DS life since day one. taking him to "mommy and me" swim lessons since age 2 , coming by everyday to help with difficulties arising between DS and myself etc.
DS is diagnosed ADHD, non medicated by my choice. Severe behavioural difficulties, listening is NOT his strong suit, school is a nightmare, tidying bedroom and everything mundane daily routines is like pulling teeth with no annesthetics.
Shortly before DS 4th birthday found out I was expecting again with my partner of 3 1/2 yrs. Unfortunately, he chose to walk away saying "I am not ready to be a parent to my own child" i argued that he had essentially spent nearly 4 yrs parenting DS but this didn't matter. He was not ready. I let him walk away.
From day one it had always been 100% attention givin soley to DS. Just Mommy and Me. Day in day out. I knew once new bundle of joy arrived there would be some issues with sibling rivalry and jealousy but NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think it would get this bad.
After the birth of second child DS not only was dealing with divided attention of my time, energy and love (from his perspective) he also was dealing with the loss of ex and now introduction of my re-meeting highschool sweetheart and began dating eachother hoping to rekindle romance lost. From the beginning I knew this situation of partner, DS baby and I was not going well but by this point assumed like many single moms do; I will never get anything better. I must settle. I will regret this thought process for the rest of my life for what it caused between DS and myself and falling apart of family as a whole.
He was emotionally crude, rude, and abusvie to not only myself but DS also. It wasn't until later he became physically abusive but by this point it was too late. I was expecting another baby, he was taking off on a weekly basis. going to work in the A.M, my going about daily routine and preparing meal for dinner, only to realize at 10pm he had no intention of coming home. I was stuck. DS #1 was stuck between watching Mommy fall apart at the seams and lil brother crying ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT! (He was colicky) AND to top it all off, knew that I was to have yet another baby. This is when things got really really bad.
DS and I stopped talking, and began the journey into what we have become. We yelled, we fought all the time, he would never listen nor acknowledge anything I said. He would lash out at his baby brothers, myself and school friends. My sweet caring compassionate lil boy was turning into a spawn of satan himself! And I felt it happen, I would love to be able to say i never saw it coming and feel better about not having acted soner but I DID!! I saw him slipping away from me. I watched as my words to him became less affectionate and less caring as they had been for the four yrs alone we had spent together attached at the hip. I hated myself for letting it happen and not doing anything about it But i had no idea where to begin!
By a year later we had moved into a house. And partner still occasionally involved with his two (DS 2 and 3 were in his mind the ONLY children in the house. DS 1 was ignored, pushed aside and left to his own devices) While all the time I watched it like an idiot caught in between a crashing boat and the peir. i should have moved and tried to stop it but I was just too run down. I had no clue what to say or do. I just let him ruin my son. He would watch his step father scream, yell, throw things, walk out mid conversation b/c he didnt like what I was saying. I watched him as he looked at the swaering, namecalling, shoveing, pushing. hitting. I was helpless!!! I was ridiculously STUPID! I shoujld have just found a way to leave. But i niavely thought one day he would change and we would fix everything then and be a happy family like he promised one day we would be.
Now nearly 3 yrs after leaving DS has become what I jokingly refer to friends as the husband I never wanted. But it is sadly the truth. He has become exactly what my ex was!
Now to presently, 6 mos ago my father (DS grandfather) came to me and approached me with the idea of himself and my step mother taking temporary custody of DS to give us both the break we despirately need, the distance between himself and his siblings, Now 3 yrs old son, 4 yrs old son and 15 mos old daughter. Who all suffer each day in watching my frustrations build, anger build, yelling escalate and fights errupt for seemingly no reason at all. This house is not a safe house for oldest son myself and siblings to live in. I rejected the offer from my father at the time saying "NO! I have made him the way he is. I need to fix this. I will not give up on my first born! I won't do it"
That ended my relationship, and DS' with his grandfather. We just could not see eye to eye on anything anymore. He said that if I wasnt going to accept their help that he wanted nothing to do with us anymore pretty much. This was the hardest thing for me being Daddys lil girl to go through and DS having lost yet anther man in his life. I have F**ked him up so badly for all the mistakes I have made in raising him and putting him through all that I have.
A month ago things hit their breaking point between my son and I. He had not progressed to hitting not only his siblings who at all times I cannot keep away from him otherwise risk him feeling more isolated. He now hits me. He shoves me. He spits and throws things, swears etc. EVERYTHING ex used to do. I have many support systems in place, Childrens Aid, Family Services counsellors, school therapists, weekend breaks where all my 4 children go to gfs fo rme to have "me time"....but it's just not right. I love ALL my children equally but cannot function healthily with 9 yr old abusive "husband" in the picture. We need serious help. If he is not home, during school week etc. Our house has flawas yes, occasional fight breaks out between 3 and 4 yr old but Nothing compared to stress with 9 yr old home.
I called my father who again I havent spoken to in months! And cried to him. I asked him if the offer is still there. We are now in process of setting school transfer and everything up for him to leave next week.
PLEASE HELP! I feel ike a failure as a mother b/c I can handle my 1,3 and 4 yrs olds better than the 9 yr old I had and vowed to stick it out thru thick and thin.... My line is far too thin now and I am at the end of my rope!