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#91 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 06:10 PM
 
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I'll skip reading the rest of the posts implying how wrong or rude it is. IN my family, you childproof when the grands are frequently around. Period. Or we don't come visit because is visiting you means high stress for me, why would I?? If I can't take a break at all b/c your house is a huge danger zone, then I would rather stay at mine that I know is safe. My dad, my mom and my ILs all have some amount of child proofing. My mom had the most when she saw DS several times weekly. My dad has a fair bit, and my ILs have some. And my ILs have the best set up for keeping DC insside and safe. Heck, if asked or even hinted at, my dad's ex wife would happily baby proof anything in her home so my kids could come over. Frankly, lever locks are easily installed and easily removed between visits, so put em on when they arrive and pop them off when they leave. Call me mean, I'm fine with that, but if I'm going to be over the top stressed its not going to be so that you can see your grandkids.
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#92 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 06:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
Honestly, now I am confused - if you try to keep your DD outside while visiting so that the smoking is not an issue then in reality the door locks and the sewing stuff really shouldn't matter either because both of those issues are inside the house as well.
She still is inside quite a bit prolly 2hrs of the visit(3hr visit would be normal) and maybe 30min-45min in the playroom..... they are trying to quit and I want to try and help them for the next couple of months by taking MIL to smoking cessation programs if she wants to and informing her about our states smoking cessation websites and hopefully smoking won't be an issue soon.....
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#93 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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Yeah, the more information you give us, I'm not understanding at all why you would spend so much time with these people. I honestly don't know what I'd do if we had to frequent the home of people who smoke in their home - I guess I didn't realize people still did that!

So they smoke around your child and aren't willing to make small changes to make the home safer? Have you talk to your DH about this"? Do those things not bother him?

In an earlier response, I basically said "yeah, you're going to have to shadow her". And I stand by that, if you still insist on going there so much. Because they are not willing to change and you can't make them.

It's funny that many of us took your original letter to MIL as pushy and maybe a bit rude, because in every other aspect I am seeing that you are doing an awful lot to please everyone, except yourself. That must be very difficult for you.

And I don't get why one of the reasons you go to the in-laws so much is because your parents urge you to. Why would they do that?
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#94 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 06:46 PM
 
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We have a lot of infants/toddlers visiting our home. We have about 3 house rules that every child must follow. To us, they are reasonable (we do not have any children living with us. The rules are: (1) no standing/jumping on furniture; only butts go on the furniture -- we had a friend who thought her kids bouncing on the furniture was fun -- we didn't, so it's a house rule; (2) no drinks without lids on them unless you are at the kitchen table -- a friend with a 3-year old was annoyed, but her kid can't seem to not spill and doesn't like to sit at the table, so the house rule was made; and (3) nobody hits anybody -- ever.

We also ask for nice manners (asking permission, saying please and thank you, leaving electronics alone), but I wouldn't call it a rule.

It works for us; we have some baby gates that we use as needed and have yet to have a child over who can open our heavy inside doors. They are kept closed year round as we are either using heat or a/c.

I have friends who do not child-proof and amazingly the toddlers who visit seem to grasp that there are different rules at different places. Don't you expect your children to behave differently if they are at school or church or shopping? How will they learn if they are not exposed to different environments.

We love all the children who come our way and other than the bouncing child, everyone seems amenable.

Go with the flow . . .
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#95 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And I don't get why one of the reasons you go to the in-laws so much is because your parents urge you to. Why would they do that?
I don't know either..... they know everything I have written in this thread, they smell the cigarette smell on our clothing, they have all sorts of babyproofing up yet still insist that I go see the ILs just as much as I see them .....well apparently because it isn't fair? Dh wants me to take her over a lot too but said that he won't take sides on this issue and whatever the outcome is he will be ok with.... so???
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#96 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 07:06 PM
 
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Wow. I think she sounds really mean! Its not as if installing two childproof locks on her outside doors is going to ruin her home or make her life difficult. If you are going to have children over regularly I think you should make sure your home is safe for them.
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#97 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 07:45 PM
 
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I don't know either..... they know everything I have written in this thread, they smell the cigarette smell on our clothing, they have all sorts of babyproofing up yet still insist that I go see the ILs just as much as I see them .....well apparently because it isn't fair? Dh wants me to take her over a lot too but said that he won't take sides on this issue and whatever the outcome is he will be ok with.... so???

Your parents probably don't want his parents to resent them. My MIL, who visits us often, always asks if my mom is planning to visit before she makes her plans (my mom lives further away and can't visit as often).

Anyway, Joy, I think if you can you should try to find a nice playgroup, so you could give your daughter a better outlet for play, and then you'd have reason not to spend so much time at the in-laws.
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#98 of 118 Old 03-26-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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It really is becoming apparent that the real issue you have with this house is its residents. If you don't want to visit your in laws while your husband is away then by all means tell them to visit you at your house, that it will be easier that way until your DH returns home and can be a second set of eyes while visiting.
What she said.
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#99 of 118 Old 03-27-2008, 04:19 AM
 
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treqi, is it possible to find an accord?

What I mean is, are you willing to consider other alternative means of providing safety you can feel secure with so that you aren't a basket of nerves when you make the obligatory visits?

You're clearly gonna continue to go over there. I think you may be seeking reciprocity from them in the form of compliance... they're not likely gonna recipriocate (can you accept it and go forth with a new plan?)... they may respond more agreeably if the notion feels like it was their own. Ex: "What are you ideas for keeping dd and J out of trouble when it comes to those doors, MIL?"
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#100 of 118 Old 03-27-2008, 02:30 PM
 
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I would be willing to talk about other options I she would talk to me but shes not.....Wouldn't you at least respond to this? Its not rude, it clearly explains me reasoning and I guess it feels really hostile to not respond at all to this or any other message/IM/phone call I've sent/made....
Stop emailing, calling, IMing. They've said "no" and you've said your piece. If you continue to call them, then you're giving your power away. You're the mother here and you've made your request. I don't think you were completely out of line to request what you did. They're ignoring you as a power play. Ignore them and either they'll go away or think about it and make some adjustments.

What they want is for you to apologize and for you to not make any requests of them. Maybe you picked a battle that in hindsight wasn't all that important, but now, since they declined and are ignoring you, you have to stand firm and take care of yourself. Lick your wounds and move on. Let his heal over and start new when all of you are ready. You need to relax and let them make the next move. Why give an ultimatum like that and then harass them for an answer? I think the answer has been given already. They'd rather lose you and thier grandchild than put locks on the door and humor you. I'm sure it hurts, but now you know. If you want a relationship with them, you'll have to be the one to make the sacrifices.

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#101 of 118 Old 03-27-2008, 05:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
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#102 of 118 Old 03-27-2008, 05:40 PM
 
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I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
Well, you may be accused of keeping DD from them if you issued an ultimatum. It's not an accurate accusal, but you've said you won't go to their house. They may not feel like going out.

It may take a while for this to blow over. Good luck.
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#103 of 118 Old 03-27-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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i just scanned because it was getting a bit much too read. i can say that i know all about your MIL sewing table and the crap on it and that her fish tank smells like poo.

sounds to me like you are looking for reasons not to go. if you don't want to go, just don't. easy as pic. stop holding your child over their heads with a my way or the highway mentality.

when someone disagrees with you, you add more details to your side of the story to get them to side with you. BUT, you are the mom. It is your choice on what/who/where/when.
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#104 of 118 Old 03-27-2008, 09:50 PM
 
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So... your DH is out of the country, you don't really like your in-laws that much... and you visit them 3x a week, for 1 to 5 hours at a time? Why?

I LIKE my inlaws, and I could never spend that much time with them. They're nice people, but they drive me batty after awhile.

I don't think you need to create an issue about this, (door latches or otherwise), just don't go over there so much if you don't like it. What's the big deal?

Sure, grandparents are important, but I don't think 3x a week visits are necessary, especially not if they make you uncomfortable, and clearly they do.
This is exactly what I was thinking.

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#105 of 118 Old 03-27-2008, 10:54 PM
 
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In my last post I just wanted to answer BrandiRhoades statements of how I'm playing power games and not understanding how sewing stuff could be dangerous.........
My ILs' basement den is the grandkids' play room. My MIL does crafts and sells them. Her craft area is in the same room and takes up about 1/4 of the room. None of the kids (even one particularly mischevious one) has EVER gotten hurt on the sewing/craft items. They are not allowed to touch them and understand that. MIL keeps everything neat, and it sounds like the issue is more disorganization than sewing. It was more your comment that they "claim" to have a playroom but put a couch and sewing machine in it. This is THEIR house! If you don't like it, don't go, but you cannot expect them to make things fit your standards. They're entitled to call something a playroom but also use it for themselves.

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#106 of 118 Old 03-28-2008, 12:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess.... I would love a couch in the play room but not one that has been in a gross garage for at least 5 years..... and if the sewing was nice and oganized i would be fine wit that too but don't take a room and call it the play room and then have it be a danger zone with gross smelly fish too......
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#107 of 118 Old 03-28-2008, 01:43 AM
 
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but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
I'm one that agrees with the idea that family is important enough to make those kinds of efforts, even if we don't like the circumstances.

Best advice I ever got from my mom was that if there is a situation you don't like you have 2 choices. If you can't live with the suituation, it's incumbant upon you to do whatever it takes to resolve it. If you CAN live with it, or aren't willing to do what it takes to resolve it, then you have to be quiet and let it alone.

Steady on girl.. The squeeky wheel gets the grease. Some people are stubborn and persnickety... but be gentle, respectful of their boundaries, patient and understanding, and I'll bet they will come around to a place where they will have some ideas for how to resolve the safetly scene there in a manner you can all live with.

It might not hurt to show some humility and own that the concern you feel is such that you were kind of intense, it wasn't your intent to offend, and that you really are waiting to hear some ideas from them...

Good luck!
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#108 of 118 Old 03-30-2008, 04:21 AM
 
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I don't understand everyone's attitude that it's ok for it to be mom's job to watch the children all the time. Why would you want to socialize with people who can't even be bothered to keep your child out of danger? What do you think "it takes a village" means?
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#109 of 118 Old 03-30-2008, 04:49 AM
 
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I don't understand everyone's attitude that it's ok for it to be mom's job to watch the children all the time. Why would you want to socialize with people who can't even be bothered to keep your child out of danger? What do you think "it takes a village" means?
I think it is my job to watch my children all the time because I am the one that chose to have them. I am the one that has been granted the blessed responsibility to raise and nurture them. It IS my job. That is why I am here. We don't live in a society of "villiages" anymore and I have no one to "help" me other than my DH (which is is wonderful).

It is my attitude because that is who I am. If you choose to not take that job, that is fine, but there is absolutly nothing wrong with me living up to my responsibilities and doing my job and watching my children all the time.

God gave me a job, a duty. And that is something that I take very seriously. I will not hand that responsibility over to someone else. It is my calling in life. As long as I have children that are not adults, it is MY job to ensure their education and safety in all areas. That is just how it is.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#110 of 118 Old 03-30-2008, 05:01 PM
 
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Wow, sixpages of responses? I just read your post, not all the responses, but do think the letter is not so appropriate. My ex's family would all chain smoke when ds was a baby. Both exdh and I asked them several times not to when the baby was around, but they still did. So I would end up sitting in another room, alone, all day with ds. After awhile I told dh if he wanted me over there again, he would have to put his foot down, I was not going to sit in another room the whole time. He did put his foot down, and they still smoked-not asmuch, but even two people smoking at one is awful. So I just stopped going over there unless it was a holiday or something.
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#111 of 118 Old 03-30-2008, 05:02 PM
 
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And actually, if I were you, next time I was there I would just say,"oh, do you mind if I put these door latches on?"
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#112 of 118 Old 03-30-2008, 05:20 PM
 
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but they declined my quick "hey I bought door latches" note and have not responded to my detailed note that outlines my reasoning.... and I'm not calling about the latches I'm calling saying hey I'm out near your house would you like to go to the park or hey we're(SIL, J dd and I) going to story time and would love for you to come (MIL goes every week but wasn't going this week because FIL was working and couldn't drive her) we can pick you up at 9:30..... Or hey I know you were wanting to quit smoking here's some information on local resources....... I don't want to be accused of keeping dd from them and will continue to give them a call or drop a note every other day until I get some sort of reply......
_______________

Umm you are going to drop a note every other day until you get a response?? give it a rest!! I think you all need some space from each other ... and visiting 3x a week sounds like a bit much anyway!

I understand your concerns -- however I always felt it was my responsibility to watch my DS and it never occured to me to ask people to change their homes -- I just watched DS more closely in homes where they were not child proof. My DS is now a teenager -- but if he was married and his new wife purchased safety things for my home and demanded I install them I would be pretty ticked!! and insulted .. because its my home not yours!

I am truly not trying to be critical -- but I do think you all need a break from each other!

Blessings
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#113 of 118 Old 03-30-2008, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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and visiting 3x a week sounds like a bit much anyway!

but if he was married and his new wife purchased safety things for my home and demanded I install them I would be pretty ticked!! and insulted .. because its my home not yours!
My DN was over there pretty much every day for the first 2years and 2-3 times a week in this last year DN has been having overnights with them from about 6mo and they expect to see dd at least the 2-3 times a week and will be very surprised that they never get alone time with her (those 10min I left her with MIL the other day were the last as I had no idea they were all still smoking pot I thought they had stopped... thank you SIL for the info(SIL smokes pot too))

When did I ever demand? I said hey I bought these door locks, she said no thanks and then I said
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About the locks I'm not sure if you remember but last year there was one incident where J wandered outside alone going between eating at the table with me and going to the play room where you were, now after seeing Leila easily open the pantry and bathroom doors I am not comfortable having her have such easy access to the front and the garage. I hope you understand how I feel in not wanting my daughters curiosity and intelligence to lead to her being in a very dangerous situation. Guess this leads me to say that while I will be happy to meet you at the park, have you over to my apartment or go to story time I don't want to be in a place where I do not feel my daughter is safe.
I never demanded and wouldn't demand but I would not go over to her house anymore and meet her at other places and facilitate those meetings to the best of my ability.... I mean is that demanding I don't think it is but correct me if I'm wrong....

And we just had a break a year long one where I lived in Japan and visited twice and only saw the ILs a handful of times during those visits....
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#114 of 118 Old 04-01-2008, 05:11 PM
 
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I may have missed an explanation somewhere. I kind of glazed over the replies but I thought it was a bit odd that you're so concerned about your child playing with orange play doh and *gasp* regular bubbles but not about smoking in the house where you and your child will be visiting.

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#115 of 118 Old 04-01-2008, 05:16 PM
 
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I think it is the responsibility of the parents to watch the child, period. It is not the responsibility of other people to baby-proof their homes. If it's too stressful to visit and watch your kids, by all means, stay home.
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#116 of 118 Old 04-01-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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Give it a rest treqi - they aren't going to conform to your idea of safety, ever. And save the letters for business relationships. Family, unless long distances away, generally involve a face to face, email or phone conflict resolution. I'd be pretty put off if a DIL of mine sent me a business letter "I'd like to inform you..."

You have two choices - deal with it and bite your tongue while watching dc yourself or don't go over there. If they ask explain that you don't expect them to baby proof their home to your standards so it's a lot of work and you'd rather meet elsewhere. IF they want to keep dd without you, say that you aren't comfortable being away from her yet. Frame it as YOUR issue, not theirs. Because quite frankly, it is your issue.

As for the play-doh and bubbles (and I know you were only venting) why not make a basket of outdoor stuff for the grandparents? There are some things I'm picky about so I buy it myself and phrase it as a "I'd thought it'd be nice to have some of these things over here" rather than a "ewwww, neon play-doh and toxic bubbles thing" - (not that you'd do that, just sayin').
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#117 of 118 Old 04-01-2008, 10:45 PM
 
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So I have read the entire thread but decided to only address one issue.

The smoking - I am sorry but I will not tolerate anyone, and I mean anyone, exposing my child to second hand smoke. Our children have reactive airway disease so this is a huge thing for us. We do not allow people to hold our children who have been smoking or have the smell of smoke on their clothes. We do not take our children to anyone's house where someone has been smoking, even if they "aired the house out". (Side note: this actually was used to try to guilt us into taking our kids to BIL's house: But we "aired the house out all day just for your kids". Give me a break!!!) We do not even go to restuarants that have a smoking section.

Now this has been an enourmous (sp?) issue in our family. Just about everyone in DH's family smokes and doesn't care if children are present so we do not see them at all unless it is in a non-smoking location or in our own home. My mom also smokes but does not smoke in her home or car and is very respectful to our wishes. She even takes a shower before she is around our kids. You just can't ask for more than that.

Anyway, sorry for the novel and bad grammar.

Bottom line - Your the mom, You make the decisions. Don't engage in power struggles. JMHO

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#118 of 118 Old 04-10-2008, 12:51 AM
 
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If Cousin J is standing at your side and crying because she wants to "love gamma" and you are too "busy" playing Scrabble so you kinda hug her say i love you too but im too busy don't be surprised if I immediately pick J up and if im glaring sorry but that was complete BS right there
this really makes me sad - definitely can sympathize with this as my kids are competing with their grandmother's computer games . . . .
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