Join Date: Apr 2007
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Having no grandma is better than having a damaging grandma. I say this from experience.
I'm not elaborating on the things my mother says a lot but a few examples would be constantly telling my sister and I that we've never really been in love and our husbands are not the loves of our lives. DH and I have been together 16 years. She cuts down my kids future career choices, wanting them to choose things that will make money not happy adults. She tells all of us stories about her horrible childhood and uses them as excuses for her bad behavior. I could go on and on but I won't.
WWYD? Talking to her is pointless, we've tried, she's the perptual victim and we are always the bad, ungrateful children. I really feel awful for my two lo's, at least our two oldest have awesome memories to look back on...
Ugh, family can be so tough! I would ask how your children feel about her. You might be surprised that they forgive her. My mother in law was a complete freak, IMO but my children have their own opinions about her...It's really hard because you don't want your children to be hurt.
I think there are some people in your life (MY ILs for example, MIL and SIL are just beyond repair, both narcissistic borderline personalities) whom you will never be okay with...and part of being a grown up I think is realizing that. It doesn't mean you don't love them, you just see them for what they are, and give up all hope of them being anything else...it's a tough process, but is very healing once you stop trying...but that in itself is a process, I wasted so much time!
|So yet another turn......How do you deal with mother's day if you and your mother are estranged??? Ignore the day? Still send a card or flowers because after all you arent the negative one?? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!!!|
Oh wow, you just described MY mom, MSUmama.
However, she lives overseas so it is a bit easier for us to live with this. She does come to the States every year though and visits us (and her friends who are in other states) but this year that won't be the case as she has proven really toxic for both me and DH that she won't be getting an invite anymore.
Basically, it boils down to us having rules. Not rules FOR her but rules for how we want our household to run. She fails to see this. She thinks that we make up special rules just for her and fails to realize that these are rules that we (DH and I) live by as well.
I don't trust her with DS because she has proven with my nieces and nephew that she cannot respect their parents rules (she used to give my niece plain white sugar in secret).
Talking to her is pointless too so I just set boundaries. If she decides not to respect them then we don't see her.
No grandma is waaayyyy better than a toxic grandma.
This too has been an issue for us. At Christmas, my sister and I went shopping alone together and left the lo's with our mother and my two older dd's. At the time, my youngest was 5 months old. My mother MICROWAVED my breastmilk despite the protests of my older children. She also allowed the baby to cry herself to sleep, even though she was holding her, rather than give her over to one of my older girls when they repeatedly asked her to, who could have easily rocked her to sleep since they are mini-mommys to her. She wanted the baby to get used to her is what she told the girls. It's this kind of behavior that makes me believe she just doesn't have any sense of others. It's always about what she wants, believes, and so on, she just doesn't even know how to consider those around her and at 53 years old, I don't think she's going to learn. Leaving her alone with them was a stupid mistake. My older dds take care of their siblings both with and without supervision as well as their younger cousins with no problem, we didn't need my mom there to help, she just happened to be there because she was in for the holidays. It's nice (in a strange way) to know I am not the only one. I feel so guilty for disliking her, she's so childlike in many ways but I can't take this anymore. I'll admit, the girls do get involved in open discussions between my dh and I that involve saying some pretty negative things about my mother. That has been fairly recent though and it honsetly seems to help them since they feel free to vent their own feelings about her too. At the same time, my mother has openly discussed her married bf, intorduced him to my kids during trips there and about a year ago allowed him to come over while my sister was visiting and introduced him to her kids, who thought he was "grandpa". My BIL was FURIOUS and it caused a huge fight. I don't believe is trying to shield kids from the realities in life but I think she is too open in front of them. Yet, she gave me heck a few weeks ago for talking too openly about sex with my 14.5 year old, cause we all know what happens if you are TOO open with teenagers about sex! Ugh, now I am just venting, sorry.
To the one who asked,
I usually send a card. But boy, is it hard to find a card that's not too mushy and makes my skin crawl. (Sorry, mother issues coming out... )
Ann-Marita. I deleted my usual signature due to, oh, wait, if I say why, that might give too much away.