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#121 of 153 Old 09-14-2008, 11:15 AM
 
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Here are some old threads addressing some of the challenges of
creating solutions with little people.


-Here are a few non verbal toddler threads:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1881

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1905

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1861

This one is about leaving places:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1719

This one is about leaving the park:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1445

This one is about negotiating around boring appointments:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1692

This one is about "too much information":
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1605

Getting shoes on a toddler and other creative problem solving:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1960

CL for a young preverbal toddler:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1895

Some basic CL questions:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1673

Toddlers with a mind of their own and transitions:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1443

Food issues and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1123

How to gain cooperation:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1305

Book recommendations:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1279 See also
the files for discussion and links to the recommended reading list.

Please do post particular issues. But I hope this will help to answer
some of the process and philosophy questions related to seeking
mutually agreeable solutions with little people.


Pat

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#122 of 153 Old 09-14-2008, 11:16 AM
 
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Here are some links to archived CL threads. Many are complex issues
with extensive discussion of nuances, practical application, and tools
for overcoming obstacles to creating mutually agreeable solutions.

Pat


Product oriented parenting:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ing/message/52

Sleeping issues:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/185

Boundaries: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/134

Support group vs. discussion list:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/131

Questions re: limits and control:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ing/message/32

Challenges of living consensually:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/405

Toddlers making messes:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/388

Paradigm shift/ non-coercive vs. consensual:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/249

Re: Logical and Natural Consequences:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/408
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/411
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/427
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/466

Saying Yes to video games?:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/536

Ouch! And biting while nursing:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/523

Attached babies and carseats:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/542
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/543
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/547

The stories we tell ourselves:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/502

Unconditional Parenting:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/226
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/299

What to do when a mom is being mean to their child:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/424

Underlying needs:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/756
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/757
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/764
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1172

Autonomy:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/696
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/691

Embracing your self-worth:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/699

"Hurt when wrong":
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/654

Reality, Judgment and Modeling:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/587

Goodbadrightwrong:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/601

Persuasion: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1185
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1200

Consensual weaning:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/951
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/956

Living Consensually with a partner:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1356
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1357

How to gain cooperation:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1293
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1296

Talking about peace with our children:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1289
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1298

Food: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1123

Toothbrushing:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1314
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1316

Even spending between siblings:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1263
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1265

How do you respond when you feel disappointment?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1232
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1233

TCC and CL: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1567
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1568

Leaving the park:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1420
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1427

Dealing with issues that can't bend on - i.e. harming animals:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1378

Preschoolers and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1633

Too much information:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1605

Only one parent interested in CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1590

HALT, coercion and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1592




HTH, Pat

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#123 of 153 Old 09-14-2008, 02:36 PM
 
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Holy Buckets! That is a ton of links! I will be reading for months straight. Thanks so much!
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#124 of 153 Old 09-14-2008, 02:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Smalls181 View Post
Holy Buckets! That is a ton of links! I will be reading for months straight. Thanks so much!
holy buckets batman is right!
: thank you!
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#125 of 153 Old 09-14-2008, 07:08 PM
 
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I did a little research, and there is no plan to have a forum. I agree that the tribe format is really cumbersome. The yahoo list is very helpful. But I like forums too.

Someone suggested to me that I try posting questions with a "CL approaches only, please" rider at the end. Maybe we could try that?
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#126 of 153 Old 09-14-2008, 08:31 PM
 
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So, do any CL families go to school?

Are they going because they want to? Or because your family situations dictate they do?

What does homework look like at your house? Do they do it on their terms? How do you handle the teachers reactions? What are the teachers reactions?
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#127 of 153 Old 09-14-2008, 09:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kindergirl77 View Post
holy buckets batman is right!
: thank you!
:

I really do need to start checking some of these links out and sub so I can lurk here.

ds is almost 8 months old. I was not able to do CL with his older siblings (now 19 and 16 1/2 years old) but I am familiar with the concept.

The other way doesn't work. I was raised with Skinnerian Behavioral Modification and have seen what it does to both people and dogs.

I'm not going that way with Terran. I'm just not.
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#128 of 153 Old 11-29-2008, 06:08 PM
 
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Checking in and checking links :

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#129 of 153 Old 11-30-2008, 12:16 PM
 
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Thanks for the bump! I need to get re-reading on this. Things actually have been going pretty well but I always like a little more reading material.
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#130 of 153 Old 11-30-2008, 12:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonkeyPrincess View Post
So, do any CL families go to school?

Are they going because they want to? Or because your family situations dictate they do?

What does homework look like at your house? Do they do it on their terms? How do you handle the teachers reactions? What are the teachers reactions?
DS goes to daycare but he's just a little one. He loves it though. I mean, sometimes on weekends he bangs on the door trying to get out and yelling "SCHOOOOOOL" and we have to disappoint him that it's closed today. So I guess he's temperamentally suited to it.

When I was a kid my mother did often offer to home-school me, but I preferred to stay in school. Sometimes they pressured me to do homework and sometimes they backed off-- either way I did it on my terms, the pressuring had no positive or negative effect on that as far as I remember. The teachers pretty much always had set policies about how late homework would affect the grade. So if I got it in late, that would mean a lower grade and I was sometimes OK with that, depending on circumstances. I did get it in on time the majority of the time, though! Now I'm a Ph.D student and... same thing.
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#131 of 153 Old 01-07-2009, 10:39 PM
 
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consensual living tribe 2009!!!

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
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#132 of 153 Old 01-28-2009, 03:31 PM
 
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I was looking for this. :

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#133 of 153 Old 01-28-2009, 03:32 PM
 
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And I had already found it Didn't realize.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#134 of 153 Old 01-28-2009, 07:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sari Mama View Post
I think parents feel a need to subscribe to one philosophy, and mind the rules. Perhaps it starts with pregnancy when we are encouraged to make our birth choice, and it always seems like you are just supposed to go down one road after you choose it, no stepping on the grass.

I subscribe to nothing, but find I'm a bit of everything. I handle my kids with empathy and respect, this leads to a lot of what could be CL, however, I do see that my young undeveloped offspring need some control too, then I appear more GD, yet, there are times when things are going really wild, and I flat out remember and remind them, that I am the mother, and YES, that DOES give me the final say. Period. And that can almost make me seem mainstream. But we have a wonderful household. Everyone is helpful, respectful, empathetic, and above all HAPPY. And it is an everchanging culture. As we all age, have new additions, move, etc., the "rules" are ever flexing and elvoving so that they meet all of our needs.

Follow your gut, use your head, always feel with an empathetic heart, remember when you were their age, and don't forget to be selfish sometimes too!
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#135 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 11:25 AM
 
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There is a CL Tribe 2009 in FYT: http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1021416 I just added a bunch of links to various discussions at the CL yahoogroup.

Pat

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#136 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 11:39 AM
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I find I am moving more toward CL these days, and getting better 'results' then I do with GD but haven't taken the plunge yet. Maybe I never will! We'll see - I like to try new things and see what works for my family
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#137 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:10 PM
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How does CL work for small children and danger situations (like running away in a parking lot, or an "older" sibling hurting a younger sibling--like three and 7 months, or fires, etc.)?

My children never ran away from me in a parking lot (at least not yet) I think this is something we took a CL approach with from the beginning, by controlling the situation until they could understand the dangers. We taught them the dangers by showing them a car running over a can, and explaining to them that cars can cause damage to things they run over, even people, and explaining/modeling things we can do to stay safe. Fires we taught what hot means. MY kids were more then happy to sign language the word hot at a fire instead of touching it. they still learned what hot it, and they learned what hurt is, and we explain that something is so hot it can hurt you. sibling rivalry is something we are working on. Currently, I attend to the hurt child first. If the hurter cannot stop acting dangerously while I do this I will move them to a safe place and give them something to do, and let them know I will be there soon I just have to console the hurt child first. Then I will go to them and connect with them. I will figure out what they were feeling and discuss with them ways that we can manage those feelings in a healthy way in the future, and talk with them about the importance of being kind and gentle to those we care about. I don't know if that is CL or not though, but I think we are headed more in that direction then our previous approach of "no tolerance for hitting, go to time out" and I noticed our new approach works much better then using punishment.

How does CL work for hygiene issues (brushing teeth and washing body)?
My son hates his hair being washed. I explain that we have to do it for health reasons. We have agreed to washing hair every other day, and I will wipe their eyes with a towel when done. I am trying to suggest he tips his head back, but he doesn't understand yet. I also made it more fun (though I suppose this isn't CL since its a reward) by blowing bubbles at the end of bath time for the kids to catch and pop.


How does CL work for eating (like if they only want cookies or something, or have a difficult time trying new foods)?

it maybe helps we don't keep junk food in the house. It's my job to provide meals and their job to decide which to eat. Again, I don't know if this is CL or not, but I hope to learn more from this post. I don't force my children to eat anything. All of our food is healthy, even snack food. We do have cookies as an occasional treat but we talk about why we eat healthy and how eating healthy makes us feel the best Sometimes they will ask for a snack when I don't think they are hungry. I will just ask them if they are really hungry or if they are bored. If they are bored we find something to do. if they are really hungry I let them pick a snack. Snack food in our house is fruits, veggies, etc - not junk food. When my children get older and learn what junk food is I am not sure what we will do... hence why plan to read all the replies in this thread!

How does CL work for the high needs/spirited child?

My son is special needs and very spirited. I have to say that while there are some things I feel aren't as CL as I would like, and I hope to find a better way, that the more CL we are the better my son responds! The only real issue we have is that I have to leave him alone while I console another child sometimes because he won't stop being aggressive or destructive in the meantime, but I try to take a non punitive approach to this..
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#138 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:35 PM
 
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Re: Non-verbal toddlers-repost
Here are some old threads on the Consensual Living yahoogroup addressing some of the challenges of creating solutions with little people.


-Here are a few non verbal toddler threads:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1881

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1905

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1861

This one is about leaving places:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1719

This one is about leaving the park:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1445

This one is about negotiating around boring appointments:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1692

This one is about "too much information":
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1605

Getting shoes on a toddler and other creative problem solving:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1960

CL for a young preverbal toddler:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1895

Some basic CL questions:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1673

Toddlers with a mind of their own and transitions:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1443

Food issues and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1123

How to gain cooperation:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1305

Book recommendations:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1279 See also
the files for discussion and links to the recommended reading list.

I have a blog.
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#139 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:35 PM
 
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Here are some links to archived CL threads. Many are complex issues
with extensive discussion of nuances, practical application, and tools
for overcoming obstacles to creating mutually agreeable solutions.

Pat


Product oriented parenting:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ing/message/52

Sleeping issues:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/185

Boundaries: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/134

Support group vs. discussion list:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/131

Questions re: limits and control:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ing/message/32

Challenges of living consensually:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/405

Toddlers making messes:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/388

Paradigm shift/ non-coercive vs. consensual:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/249

Re: Logical and Natural Consequences:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/408
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/411
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/427
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/466

Saying Yes to video games?:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/536

Ouch! And biting while nursing:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/523

Attached babies and carseats:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/542
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/543
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/547

The stories we tell ourselves:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/502

Unconditional Parenting:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/226
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/299

What to do when a mom is being mean to their child:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/424

Underlying needs:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/756
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/757
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/764
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1172

Autonomy:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/696
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/691

Embracing your self-worth:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/699

"Hurt when wrong":
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/654

Reality, Judgment and Modeling:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/587

Goodbadrightwrong:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/601

Persuasion: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1185
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1200

Consensual weaning:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/951
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...ng/message/956

Living Consensually with a partner:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1356
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1357

How to gain cooperation:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1293
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1296

Talking about peace with our children:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1289
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1298

Food: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1123

Toothbrushing:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1314
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1316

Even spending between siblings:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1263
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1265

How do you respond when you feel disappointment?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1232
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1233

TCC and CL: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1567
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1568

Leaving the park:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1420
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1427

Dealing with issues that can't bend on - i.e. harming animals:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1378

Preschoolers and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1633

Too much information:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1605

Only one parent interested in CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1590

HALT, coercion and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1592



Pat

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#140 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:35 PM
 
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Is consistency important? What is consistency?:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5017
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5038

I don't want my son exposed to children who watch TV or movies:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5039
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5044

Validation vs. Fixing?:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5025
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5026

Recommended Reading Request:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4984

Child can not get enough of me:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4982

Kids testing boundaries in social situations:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4928

Getting your child ill on purpose (chicken pox):
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4929
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4948

helping dh to understand consensual living:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4914
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/1793

Siblings: To share or not to share, that is the question...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4822
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4804
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4891

How to restore trust and remove guilt with a 4 year old:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4775


Manners?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4851

Teens sneaking out, need some perspective:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4780

Wasting water:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4808

Finding it hard to deal with others and 'praise'...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4745

The Whole Point - I Think I Finally Get It!:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4733

Almost 4 y.o. wanting to nurse instead of eat:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4683

Does CL mean your toddler never cries?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4595

Rude seven year old son---THIS IS LOOONG.:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4664

question about judgment:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4593

CPS may visit our home:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4643

Consensual Eyedrops?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4657

Medications:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4600

Help. Sleep issues.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4555

Another question...about NVC:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4476

Toddler who wont move:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4516

Tick Bite:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4374

dentist and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4362
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4365
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4092

Won't take a bath?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4166

Changing clothes:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4131

This isn't consensual!! (re: toy mess):
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4115

goals and living in the moment:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4102

non-coercive, but reasonable bedtimes, boundaries, etc?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4014
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4023
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4030
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4035

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#141 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:36 PM
 
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Dietary Question:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8394

CL and dogs: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8407

Question about bedtime:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8437

Dd doesn't like her cousin, should I get involved:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8402

rage, why parenting is hard:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8314

Neighbor and I parent differently:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8288

Help! 4 YO DS wants to learn to use the stove:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8357

Selling the house:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8333

Spinning Plates...at Bedtime...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8305

Being aware of our cycles:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8278

When your own cup won't fill:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8216

Toddlers and 'discipline' (long):
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8143

Struggling with late nights and poop, and lots of other fun stuff:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8178

toys and storage space and not wanting a ton of STUFF:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8176

Speaking of Food Issues...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8108

To Stay in School or Not:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8048

Struggling with late nights:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8092

In-laws Testing Parenting Values and Meeting the Needs of dh:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/8010

4 year old Tantrum over Junk Food:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7967

HUGE messes: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7951

Video games & my 7 year old:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7915

thumbsucking woes:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7858

moving and downsizing:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7855

If you had to choose just one book...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7784

I have a blog.
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#142 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:36 PM
 
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cl responses to hitting? :
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7641

Hitting: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7690

Toddlers and hitting:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7606

Night time and Naps:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7587

Ds doesn't want me to leave the house without him:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7595

Bathing Short Cuts:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7564

When partners disagree:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7454
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6948

When spouse parenting styles differ:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7417

personal possesions or community property?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7449

Sleep issues: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7367

How do you deal with defiance?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7339

The Highchair story:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6854

Waiting in the proverbial parking
lot:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6671

slowing down: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6788

How do you deal with authority figures in society?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6666

Helping shy child manage attention from adults:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6663

When My Buttons Are Pushed:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6736

Ds and food: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5348

Re: choosing friend:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6261

there is no right or wrong in anything?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6323

Authority vs. CL (or...Dh vs. Me):
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6200

car seats and meeting the need:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5838

very attached...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5683

Splinter in her foot!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/6067

Help me understand - why some cant 'do' CL?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5953

Waldorf Discipline...? and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5982
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5488

How do you cope with the rest of the world? - feeling lonely:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5789

Potty learning... or lack thereof!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5745

Taking care of myself:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5694

disconnected:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5648

"violence": http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5613

If your child won't let you socialize...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5606

cutting nails:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5518


music lessons:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7210

Suggestions to help me night wean consenually:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7203

Montessori sensitive periods and CL:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7139

excluding/bullying behaviour in young children:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7187

Wanting ones own way? How to handle?:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7129

need some help: independent toileting
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7067

Child centeredness?
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/7024

Finding it hard to deal with others and 'praise'...
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4745

clean-up and kids:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/5073

Reccommended reading request:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4984

can't get enough of me!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consen...g/message/4982



Pat

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#143 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:37 PM
 
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Please do post particular issues to the yahoogroup. There are over 800 families there who are resources to support you in your journey. But I hope this will help to answer some of the process and philosophy questions related to seeking mutually agreeable solutions with little people.

CL website: http://www.consensual-living.com/
CL Yahoogroup: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Consensual-living/


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#144 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 12:37 PM
 
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Original CL Thread: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...ght=consensual



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#145 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 01:07 PM
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i do wish there was a subforum on this. its a lot to take in all at once, it would help to discuss one thing at a time for me, to get a better understanding of how it applies in day to day life. I like the concept, but find parts of it just totally overwhelming. I read how to talk so kids will listen, and I am going to read unconditional parenting. I feel like my parenting is heading in this direction, but I think my LIFE should be heading in this direaction. im definitely not there yet though. I wish there was a CL board. My head is spinning right now...
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#146 of 153 Old 02-20-2009, 01:11 PM
 
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You are welcome to post specific questions to the yahoogroup also.


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#147 of 153 Old 05-18-2009, 04:08 PM
 
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Taking notes. Lots of reading here.........
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#148 of 153 Old 06-25-2009, 12:44 PM
 
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I am finding that this thread really ties into the way I would like to be raising my son-I am very inclined to just let him do as he likes most of the time as long as he isn't hurting himself or anyone else. (He can't eat or paint with the Desitin, for example, but he can smear edible fingerpaint on his head if he really wishes to..he is washable!). I do have many questions though.
My ODS is only 20 months-how does the concept of consensual living and freedom of choice tie into things like bedtime? He is pretty willing to go to bed when he's tired-he crawls in and lays down. What about the nights when he's obviously tired and fighting sleep?
What about naps? He needs one, takes one...isn't always enthused about it though.
How do I implement PLing? He is indicating that he is ready to try the potty...would it be considered consensual if I introduce it??
What do I do if he hits his baby brother??
What if he wants to do something that's obviously dangerous like go into the road?? There obviously isn't a compromise for this sort of situation...do I resort to redirection??
Sorry if my questions seem ignorant or silly...I am at a transitional point with ODS and would like to handle it in a way that makes him feel respected. I have more questions but I can't think of them right now...thanks in advance for any input!

Sarah-Wife to Kelly, mostly organic crafty SAHMama to my angel, Canaan (11/01/07-03/15/2013) and Ezra (05-12-09).

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#149 of 153 Old 06-26-2009, 08:34 PM
 
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We practice consensual living, though we are still learning and growing as a family. I have done a lot of reading, thinking, and it is a constant struggle to work on letting go of the "control" mindset.

It frustrates me that people (IRL mostly) think that consensual living means child-centered living, or basically not parenting and letting your child do whatever they want. The basis of consensual living includes everyone involved, not just focused on the child getting his/her way in each situation because that's what the child wants to do. I believe with consensual living you *can* say no when it is needed, but with respect and while offering other alternatives, age appropriate explanations, etc. As a parent, though I practice consensual living, I still feel as if it's my duty to be sure my sick baby takes medicine she needs to get well even if she doesn't want to do it at the moment, or to be certain my toddler doesn't run in the road despite the fact that she thinks it's a fun place to play, or to tell my child we have to go to the grocery store to buy food even if she does not want to if there are no other options at the time. I think the most difficult part about living consensually is to be able to figure out in what instances your child isn't old enough to judge for themselves, like when taking medicine, and to respond in a respectful way rather than a strict authoritarian way. Does that make sense?

So when my toddler wanted to run in the road, I stopped her. I told her it was dangerous. On the occasions where she actually ran into the road or out in a parking lot I would cry out for her to stop and even when she was small she would understand the emotion in my voice--fear and worry, urgency. When she was too young to fully understand to not run away, if she got it in her head that she was going to run in the road constantly while we were out or something, we would just go inside. If we had to be out or we were in a parking lot I would offer alternatives--slings and carriers, stroller, piggy back, shoulders, grocery cart, holding hands, even holding a piece of her clothing when she was opposed to holding hands.

Sometimes gentle redirection is all you can do. After all, a toddler is not mature enough to fully understand and make decisions for themselves in all situations! I think that's the fine line between letting your kid do whatever they want or being a parent who is mindful and respectful.

The nap issue is kind of along the same vein. It's a fine line again. Sometimes toddlers and young children are tired but aren't mature enough to go to sleep. But you also don't want to force them. What do you do? When my DD doesn't want to go to bed (she's almost 3 now) we explain to her that daddy has to go to bed because he gets up early for work. Momma is tired. Living consensually, she has to learn to respect our needs as well as meet her own needs. So we find a way to compromise--she can watch tv shows in bed with us while we sleep or play quietly with the toys we select and bring to bed, but she can't get up and run and play and wake up the entire house. When she was less toddler and more of a baby it was difficult because she couldn't understand the idea that we also have needs...I think she needed us to rock her and nurse her and not give up on getting her to sleep even though she was fighting to keep herself awake when she was obviously exhausted.

I've found when you avoid making something a power struggle in the early toddler years then the behavior easily resolves itself once the child is old enough to understand better.

When there is hitting involved I acknowledge my initial reaction--frustration, anger, or whatever it may be--and then I put that aside and think of how DD must be feeling. Why she might need to hit--is she frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, feeling powerless, etc. Then I respond appropriately. Sometimes that means removing ourselves from the situation if she is overwhelmed. Other times she just needs me to remind her that hitting hurts and to ask her what's wrong.

Potty learning--I think it is consensual if you introduce the potty, just don't force him to do anything. Sit him on it if he is relaxed and interested. Don't make him sit on it or bribe him to sit on it. Let him watch you (and DH) in the bathroom, talk about it with him. It's fine to introduce new things as long as you follow his lead and are responsive to how he feels.

I think consensual living looks different for every family, it's so subjective to the personalities of the people in your family and your living situation.

Momma to Sweet Rosie 7/06, Lost Baby J 1/09 at 12 weeks pregnant, Spitfire Ada born 4/21/10, and Baby Boy due July/August 2013!
Aspiring urban homesteader, photographer, homeschooling momma! Blog link in my profile. 

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#150 of 153 Old 08-08-2011, 10:16 AM
 
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bump.

 


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