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#61 of 90 Old 05-21-2008, 10:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bellacymom View Post
OMG! Maybaby at this point in this thread I am really feeling sorry for you. I bet you are about to pull your hair out! My advice now? There is way too much advice in this thread for one person to comprehend so go with your gut even if it is over reacting. You are your DD's mom so you have the right to over react if something makes you uncomfortable. I hope you get everything worked out without hurt feelings or more frustration on your part.
Actually I've found the advice in this thread to be one of the most consistent ever on MDC. Pretty much everyone agrees the care situation is dangerous and needs to change, whatever the other details.

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#62 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 03:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ya'll are right. I will constantly be stressed and worried about this. The guilt I will have from causing G so much pain will be better than constantly worrying about dd. G will either have to come to my house (and I know she won't), send her H away while dd is there (which is unfair to him), or I'll have to find someone else all together--which will take time. DD's dad is "on call" 24/7 with his job...he can't at the moment keep her overnight--and I'm not ready for that anyway (I trust him...but not ready for that, complicated situation). I'll try to bring her to work with me until I make other arrangements, which is dangerous in itself--considering I was robbed last year while pregnant with her. But at this point I think I'd rather do that than to have constant worry about GH.

I've lived in my house for 2 years...G has been there about 4 times. She doesn't like to drive and will not drive at night. I work in the same town as she lives--I'd burn 1/4 tank of gas per day if I drove her to/from my house.

I'm comfy with knowing G will keep GH away from dd...but as so many of you have pointed out, things can happen in the blink of an eye. I wish all of you could sit down with me to explain this to my G...make her totally understand. She gets hurt for many reasons...and thinks I don't trust her. I trust her and I trust she'd keep dd safe. I don't trust her H and don't want him around my kid. This could seriously cause her to have a stroke/heart attack. Seriously. But I don't know what else to do. Crap. This will be hard.
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#63 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 04:06 AM
 
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Ya'll are right. I will constantly be stressed and worried about this. The guilt I will have from causing G so much pain will be better than constantly worrying about dd. G will either have to come to my house (and I know she won't), send her H away while dd is there (which is unfair to him), or I'll have to find someone else all together--which will take time. DD's dad is "on call" 24/7 with his job...he can't at the moment keep her overnight--and I'm not ready for that anyway (I trust him...but not ready for that, complicated situation). I'll try to bring her to work with me until I make other arrangements, which is dangerous in itself--considering I was robbed last year while pregnant with her. But at this point I think I'd rather do that than to have constant worry about GH.

I've lived in my house for 2 years...G has been there about 4 times. She doesn't like to drive and will not drive at night. I work in the same town as she lives--I'd burn 1/4 tank of gas per day if I drove her to/from my house.

I'm comfy with knowing G will keep GH away from dd...but as so many of you have pointed out, things can happen in the blink of an eye. I wish all of you could sit down with me to explain this to my G...make her totally understand. She gets hurt for many reasons...and thinks I don't trust her. I trust her and I trust she'd keep dd safe. I don't trust her H and don't want him around my kid. This could seriously cause her to have a stroke/heart attack. Seriously. But I don't know what else to do. Crap. This will be hard.
I wish you and your daughter all the best and hope you are able come to a suitable arrangement soon.

Sam

Sam, mum to: Ian, James, Lottie, Maddy, Jack, Ruby, Bronte & Sophia and Nate
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#64 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 04:22 AM
 
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Just stupid impulsive things. He's like an excited puppy that can't control his excitement or something. G is on him all the time about something or another. He has my G so stressed out
With a frontal lobe injury this is unlikely to EVER change. You have to realize that this is PERMANENT and that he won't be able to trusted to behave appropriately. Lack of common sense, memory issues and no sense of what's appropriate are all hallmarks of frontal lobe injuries.

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...it's a vacation for her to watch my dd. DD is low maintenence, very independent, happy go lucky kid and brings so much happiness to my G
I'm sure your dd brings happiness to your grandmother. BUT she also brings added stress and responsibility -- do you really want to add that to her? You can still bring your dd over regularly since then there will be two competent adults to watch her. You can bring grandma over to your house starting once a month and building up to once a week -- starting with short periods of time (and hour) so she becomes comfortable there. (She needs a break from her husband too.)

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#65 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 08:53 AM
 
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Ya'll are right. I will constantly be stressed and worried about this. The guilt I will have from causing G so much pain will be better than constantly worrying about dd. G will either have to come to my house (and I know she won't), send her H away while dd is there (which is unfair to him), or I'll have to find someone else all together--which will take time. DD's dad is "on call" 24/7 with his job...he can't at the moment keep her overnight--and I'm not ready for that anyway (I trust him...but not ready for that, complicated situation). I'll try to bring her to work with me until I make other arrangements, which is dangerous in itself--considering I was robbed last year while pregnant with her. But at this point I think I'd rather do that than to have constant worry about GH.

I've lived in my house for 2 years...G has been there about 4 times. She doesn't like to drive and will not drive at night. I work in the same town as she lives--I'd burn 1/4 tank of gas per day if I drove her to/from my house.

I'm comfy with knowing G will keep GH away from dd...but as so many of you have pointed out, things can happen in the blink of an eye. I wish all of you could sit down with me to explain this to my G...make her totally understand. She gets hurt for many reasons...and thinks I don't trust her. I trust her and I trust she'd keep dd safe. I don't trust her H and don't want him around my kid. This could seriously cause her to have a stroke/heart attack. Seriously. But I don't know what else to do. Crap. This will be hard.


I wish there was some magic arrangement I could make up that would allow G to come to your home or to make something else work for you.

Are ya absolutely sure there is no way you guys could maneuver, switch stuff around, or somesuch to allow G to come keep her at your house? How far is it away?
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#66 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 08:56 AM
 
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#67 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 09:29 AM
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I think that you should decide where your level of comfort is... Does Grandmothers husbands other actions with DD concern you? Does he display an unnatural level of interaction with DD that is very physical, excessive touching, tickling or such?

Second, find a different child care situation no matter what you decide about you comfort level --- because you need to let this go and move on for YOURSELF. If you don't this could just eat you up and fester inside your spirit making you bitter towards him, Grandmother, and others.

Third, you may be looking at this a little hard. From previous marriage, I showered with both DS, DD. DD and I stopped when she started getting tall enough to become an issue. DS and I didn't, in my on family I took my last bath with a cousin when I was about 10, she was about 9. So if your household has a healthy respect and display of body issues, you may be able to explain to DD when she can understand why it's not appropriate to touch people in certain area.

Our DD is just 7m, my 2 from ex are 18 (DS) and 16 (DD). Overall I think that 7m old will have a different view on body image and issues, thanks to her wonderful mother. We've talked about what we feel and that is making a big difference in how things will be handed in the future related to body image and what is an appropriate level of physical contact with others.

JMHO

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#68 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 11:49 AM
 
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I am SO glad that you've reconsidered this!

Even though there is stress in this decision, in the long run I strongly believe you will find that this makes you less stressed and you will feel far better inside yourself about it.

s
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#69 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 04:21 PM
 
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Even if your grandma were able to keep your daughter from ever being molested by this man... she would still be experiencing a situation where mom and grandma don't trust grandma's husband and think he might be a pedophile... yet they allow this man to remain in their lives.

That in itself is incredibly damaging and perverted, imo. I realize that you're already raising your daughter to distrust men, so maybe you're okay with that being the lesson she takes from this - it's okay to have men whom you don't trust in your house, because they're all bad anyway. It makes me sick to type that, but that's what you're teaching if you allow this to continue.

Your daughter should be learning to listen to her gut and stay the heck away from men she doesn't trust. This is the absolute worst thing you could do, if you want her to learn that.

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#70 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 07:08 PM
 
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i wish you all the best and that dd is safe!
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#71 of 90 Old 05-22-2008, 08:05 PM
 
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MayBaby2007,
I am really happy to hear that you are going to make other arrangements.

I know I may have come off as harsh in my last post, but I feel like this is an extreme situation.

I have family members who are pedophiles so I completely understand how weird this can be. My children are not around those family members at all...this includes my own father
It is difficult and awkward and so painful to have to keep my kids away from certain family members but that is just what I have to do.

Feel free to PM me if you want to....

Again, I am sorry if my last post hurt your feelings. I am just really concerned about you and your dd...to the extent that your situation has been on my mind when I go to sleep and when I first wake up.

I am so happy that you are seeing the importance of not having your dd around gh w/out you or her father being present.

Good For You!!!!!
You are choosing the more challenging (but right) path.

.
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#72 of 90 Old 05-23-2008, 11:50 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
That in itself is incredibly damaging and perverted, imo. I realize that you're already raising your daughter to distrust men, so maybe you're okay with that being the lesson she takes from this - it's okay to have men whom you don't trust in your house, because they're all bad anyway. It makes me sick to type that, but that's what you're teaching if you allow this to continue.

Your daughter should be learning to listen to her gut and stay the heck away from men she doesn't trust. This is the absolute worst thing you could do, if you want her to learn that.
:

I think another unintended consequence is that, while she learns that men are the "bad" ones, she learns that women are the "good" ones. And that will mean to her that nothing a female does to her can be wrong. Which opens her up to the possibility of being molested by a woman. In general, it distresses me how many people think that that's a very unlikely possibility. Some of the most horrific stories of child molestation that I've heard about were perpetuated by women.
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#73 of 90 Old 05-25-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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To answer your orignal question:

Ds stands on dp's clothed "private area" all the time, if it doesn't hurt he doesn't move him
Ds lays his head on dp's clothed "private area"
DS grabs at pubic hair in the bath tub (we stop this because OW!)
Ds stands on our guy friends laps and perhaps touches their "private areas"
Ds sits in the middle of wide legs of our friends (guys and girls) and perhaps comes in contact with "private areas"
If my ds was my dd, the same would go just fine for me

HOWEVER if anyone ever made me feel icky....it would not be okay... and would stop instanteously!!!!
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#74 of 90 Old 05-25-2008, 03:38 PM
 
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Oops, read your later post that you'll stop taking her over to G's house.

I have to say though, that if your grandmother really wants to watch dd, she'll come to your house. And maybe you can alternate where you drive her and then she does the driving or something.

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#75 of 90 Old 05-25-2008, 04:36 PM
 
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Perhaps you can tell your grandmother that you'd like DD to have more time with other children, if that will help avoid hurt feelings. And don't worry too much about this damaging her health. People very rarely have strokes just because their feelings get hurt. I do think you are doing the right thing in keeping her away from Grandma's husband. Even if you are wrong about his behavior, you will never feel really comfortable. (This is not to say you are wrong. We get those feelings for a reason.)

Like other posters, I worry about the message you are sending about men and boys in general. Your daughter will miss out on many wonderful and enriching experiences if you paint all males with such a broad brush. Would you pull her out of a male teacher's classroom? Refuse to let her play with a little boy at the playground? Not allow her to play at the home of a little girl who has a single father? It just seems SO exclusionary! Honestly, it makes me think of racism. If you had had some horrible experiences with people of a certain race, surely you wouldn't think it was alright to be prejudiced against all others of that race- right? I don't see gender as being drastically different.

What if you someday have a son? Will you believe him to be inherently predisposed to bad things because he is male?

I really hope you are able to work this out with your therapist before you pass on your fear to your innocent child.

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#76 of 90 Old 05-25-2008, 07:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay. I did it. I promised G that I would visit every week on my days off and find other arrangements for dd on the 2 days in question. She didn't like it and kept wanting to make other arrangements (like make H leave the house on those days) but I just told her it would be less stressful for everyone involved if I found other placement for dd. I don't like her husband. I haven't liked him. I've disliked him MORE since dd has been here. Red flags just go up all the time with him. I don't like him. I handled him being around her. Everything was ok until dd started walking. I've just had enough with him. G just has to understand that. The vibe I get from him won't rest. So, there's the vibe...and then letting dd touch him--after he's been told not to. I'd had enough.

And I guess letting a child go between men's legs depends on the comfort level of the parents from reading the responses here. I'd be fine with all of this if dd was going between her dad's legs/touching him. I'd think nothing of it...but I know him and trust him completely. He's not comfy with it...but I would think nothing of it with him. Some said they would not be comfy with it...others say it's no big deal. So I guess I still don't know what's right/wrong....I guess it's all a matter of perception/comfort level (still, when I tell someone I'm NOT comfy with it and they do it anyway...that's just pushing it).

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:

I think another unintended consequence is that, while she learns that men are the "bad" ones, she learns that women are the "good" ones. And that will mean to her that nothing a female does to her can be wrong. Which opens her up to the possibility of being molested by a woman. In general, it distresses me how many people think that that's a very unlikely possibility. Some of the most horrific stories of child molestation that I've heard about were perpetuated by women.
This isn't and won't be the case at all! It's not just men and I know that. There is only 2 women and myself who care for dd on a regular basis. I trust them. When it comes time to teach dd about good/bad touches--it will include both sexes. I don't live under a rock....I know both sexes AND the people close to my dd can hurt her. I will constantly talk to her/remind her about good/bad touches from both sexes and that she can tell me anything, etc.

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Like other posters, I worry about the message you are sending about men and boys in general. Your daughter will miss out on many wonderful and enriching experiences if you paint all males with such a broad brush. Would you pull her out of a male teacher's classroom?Refuse to let her play with a little boy at the playground? Not allow her to play at the home of a little girl who has a single father? It just seems SO exclusionary! Honestly, it makes me think of racism. If you had had some horrible experiences with people of a certain race, surely you wouldn't think it was alright to be prejudiced against all others of that race- right? I don't see gender as being drastically different.

I can understand how people could see this as racism. But it's not. I don't see what's so wrong about not letting my dd be alone with men....for at least right now. What's so wrong about that? Would it make all of you happy if I had 20 men at my house and let them babysit my dd? She doesn't have a voice right now. When she's older/talking and knows good/bad touches,...I'm sure my view on things might change. For now, I don't see what the big deal is...neither does her father. We're both on the same level and agree on the same rules for our dd.

What if you someday have a son? Will you believe him to be inherently predisposed to bad things because he is male?

No. I will treat him no differently than my dd....he won't be alone with men, will only be with a couple of my closets female family members, etc....at least until he talks and knows good/bad touches. Boys are hurt as well as girls. Neither of the children will be *alone* (out of eye's view) with another child until they are much older. Things happen. Period. I'd watch him with my hawk vision just as I do my dd.

OT:
After living in my house for 2 years, I was out walking dd up and down the sidewalk (and she took a nose dive today and it looks like I beat the heck out of her ) I finally met my neighbors sometime last week--2 female friends and one of their gramma's live in one house. Next door to them is one of their sisters who is married with 3 older kids. We've gone out to dinner and chatted a few times now.

One of the ladies came over yesterday to take dd to meet everyone. My house was a disaster, so it worked out great for us--I got to clean and they played with a baby. There was <gasp> a man over there...and one son! I knew this before letting dd go with the lady. She's "good people"...you just know these things. Her sister (who I had met) is "good people". I knew dd wouldn't be *alone* with the husband/son...so I let her go. (I changed her diaper before she went. Lady asked, "Want me to take a diaper incase she needs changed?" I responded, "No, she'll be okay." I'm funny with anyone I don't know....not just men).

She was gone for 2 hours! It was a breakthrough for me....I was actually kinda proud of myself. That was the first person other than G or dd's dad who's ever taken her outta my sight. But I know they're good people and love babies (and they were right across the street ). The husband held her w/o me being there. It's okay.

I went over there today for bible study. There were 2 men there who loved babies and had kids of their own. They held dd and I was fine with it. I sense good with them....peace. BUT!!! It will still take me a long time to actually leave her *alone* with a man/let him change her diaper--if that ever happens. That was the first time a man held dd other than her dad and GH...but I sensed peace.

I didn't grow up with any positive male role models. None. The first good guy that came alone was dd's dad. We've been together for many years. I trust him completely...but he's the only man I've learned to trust. Sure, he broke my heart to pieces (and still does, sigh)...but he's a good man.

I won't apologize for the rules/paranoia I have for my dd (or hypothetical son). I have the paranoia/rules for a reason--for the life lessons that I have had. My job is to raise my dd into a confident woman...and to protect her until she is a woman. I'm following *my* motherly instincts to protect her. My instincts differ from most of the women here (though not all...there are a few women who agree with me) but I'm okay with that. My dd is *exposed* to men....she's just not alone with them and won't be for a long time. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm protecting my baby from things that I know can and do happen in this world.
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#77 of 90 Old 05-25-2008, 09:05 PM
 
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It sounds like all is well, and I'm so glad.

Have a great weekend folks,

VF
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#78 of 90 Old 05-25-2008, 10:16 PM
 
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I know I am jumping in here late but i will feel really bad if your GH just loves your dd and enjoys her being around/playing with her and hes depressed and thats why he stays in his room but when your dd comes over hes happy and enjoys her but you all think hes a pedophile deep down when all he does is love this little girl, ya know, the normal way.?? i dunno.im not there, so i dont know.

Me and my wonderful husband serve God. Blessed with twin girls 2/11/11. <3

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#79 of 90 Old 05-26-2008, 12:04 AM
 
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MayBaby,

So glad to hear about your decision regarding your care decision. I do kind of feel like I should say more and I hope I can say it warmly, because that is how it is meant.

I felt like in your follow up post where you let your daughter go off with people you had just met last week, for two hours, and you felt accomplished about it is still a bit of a red flag.

I am a survivor of abuse myself and I know about the rollercoaster on this kind of issue - waffling between being super-crazy protective and then feeling like you've "won" if you ease up.

But I want to caution you that "just knowing" that people are good people is not a safe way to make decisions about care for your child. Those instincts are fantastic, and we all use them in making decisions - but you need to back them up with observation, and that takes time. This goes double for people who have had bad experiences - sometimes our 'radar' is off, and in trying to avoid one particular scenario we can open ourselves up to all kinds of other ones.

Some of the other things you said also made me feel like you could use some other resources. Teaching about good touch/bad touch is important but it is in no way protection for a child. I would strongly recommend that you read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker which provides really good concrete help in navigating this kind of thing.

I feel like you need some support in working through these issues and I hope you do get that. I hope you don't feel beat on in this thread either. These are hard things and I think the community here is very helpful in its knowledge and thought over these things.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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#80 of 90 Old 05-26-2008, 12:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Nm
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#81 of 90 Old 05-26-2008, 11:31 AM
 
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I am going to recommend also that you pick up Gavin De Becker's books! I think that having some solid recommendations will help you, that back up some of what you are thinking, gives you a plan and some realistic ideas to work with AND steers you away from unnecessary (and dangerous) faliacies and fears.


Oh. And all people will break your heart. Everyone will disappoint you sometimes. The strength of you, is that you have the internal solidity to live through it and not let it colour your whole life. : Not always the easiest, but it does make life more worth living.

(it is like a play on "this job would be great if it weren't for the customers." "This relationship would be great if you'd just stop being human." )
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#82 of 90 Old 05-26-2008, 08:44 PM
 
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I'm going to follow GuildJen and say something that i hope will come off as gentle and caring, but i was also struck by your last post.

Being comfortable having your dd with other people to the extent that you would let them change her diaper isn't something that - imo- should be a 'goal'. you have alluded in your posts that you have history and issues that you are working with that influence your comfort level with dd and men as well as strangers and personally i think *that's fine*. If your dd grows up a little more protected.. well, just be honest with her about it as she gets older and asks questions as it comes up.

Your situation with your neighbor sounds great... but, i dont' know. If it was me, the first folks who took my dd away from me besides family wouldn't be taking her for 2 hours. I don't care if it's across the street. You also said you "knew" she wouldnt' be alone with the men. How could you *possibly* know that? I mean, it doesnt' even matter *who* she would be alone with. I dont' know, i guess it seems like you have this idea that if you felt comfortable leaving your dd in x.y.z situation (whatever you have decided in your mind is 'reasonable') that = some resolution on your own issues.

I feel like i'm not explaining myself right.
I have been lucky - thus far- to have had 99.9% positive experiences with people (won't single out men here) in my life. No assaults. Nearly nothing.

But- I am totally conscious of who changes my dc's diapers or who they spend time with without me. Neither of her grandfather's offers to change diapers, or will, if they are in their care. They pass them off to me or their father or grandmother. I would never have handed off one of my dc's to a neighbor who i have a new relationship with for 2 hours. Maybe 15 min. It would take me several visits, my house and theirs, and some shorter dc-only visits (like 15, then 30 or so...) before i'd get to that chunk of time. Not that time makes any difference... anything can happen in 5 min. let alone 2 hrs. but... testing the waters, yk? Did they have fun? What did they do? How did i feel about the situation? etc...

I just think that if you are a more cautious parent- GREAT. Don't set yourself and your dd up to some 'standard' that you think signals healthy relationships with others. Go by your *own* gut and what you know to be true.

I think your process and decision to remove your dd from your G's care was courageous and difficult... way to be a mama-bear! Your dd is young, you'll get lots more practice to come! (hopefully in situations not as heartwrenching as this one!)

I am a homeopath, offering acute and constitutional consultations for children, babies, and parents. Long-distance treatment is easy, either phone or skype! I also am certified to offer Homeoprophylaxis, a vaccine-alternative program. Message me for more details. www.concentrichealing.com
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#83 of 90 Old 05-27-2008, 05:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by alegna View Post
:

I believe I have responded before that your rule about never alone with a male is WAY out of line and will be seriously damaging.

-Angela

Gotta agree with this. Chances are, if you decide to have your child attend school, that she will have at least a few male teachers before she turns 18 - teaching her through your actions that all males are to be feared because they might molest you will do her nothing but harm in the future, possibly imparing her ability to have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex.

If you have a bad mommy intuition about GH then by all means act on it, we are usually right when it comes to our intuition, but please reconsider the way you portray men in her presence.
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#84 of 90 Old 05-27-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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If a man is standing with legs spread wide and a child walks up and puts her face in his crotch (right on his penis) and he just stands there...is that inappropriate?

If a man is sitting spread eagle on the edge of a chair and a child walks up and pats his crotch and he just sits there...is that inappropriate?

I've been having ongoing problems with my gramma's husband and I'm at the end of my rope. I've talked and bitched for almost a year. I'm going to hurt him if I see him let dd touch his penis again.

Am I being too sensitive? I don't see this problem with dd and her dad--only gramma's husband. These are the only 2 men dd is around so I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive.

As a woman and her mom, dd comes in contact with my crotch quite often. But I also don't have hanging parts like a man. If I'm rocking her, her foot might land on my pevic bone area and that's okay with me. But, if her foot actually falls betwen my legs and is touching my vagina/clitoris, I move her foot because I don't think that's appropriate. A man is just "out there" and I just don't know if what he's doing is way out of line or somewhat common. Help please? Frazzled mama.
i am going to bypass the other things that came out in this discussion & add my vote to the original question-i think a normal grown person would naturally shift their body probably (even subconciously) if a child was unintentionally touching their privates--particularly if it was not THEIR child.
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#85 of 90 Old 05-27-2008, 10:00 PM
 
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Maybaby~

I think you are doing EXACTLY what a good mother should do...trusting your own instincts, trying your best to protect your daughter and asking for help/advice when you feel you need it.

You sound very level-headed, to me. All the best!
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#86 of 90 Old 05-27-2008, 10:17 PM
 
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Maybaby:
First of all, kudos to you for pulling your child out of a situation that you felt was unhealthy. It sounds like it took a lot of courage, and I hope you are feeling proud that you did the right thing. As for your question in the original post, it would definitely make me feel icky as well. I think there is no 'right' or 'wrong' to something like that, you just have to go with your comfort level, which you did.

I also want to chime in on what is increasingly a very heated argument, but I want to start by saying it's not my intention to pick a fight with you or judge you.

I DON'T think you need to go out and show your child's nudie booty to a bunch of men.
I DON'T think your daughter needs to be exposed to penises at an early age.
I DON'T think that it's appropriate for strange men to be changing her diaper or being alone with her.
It's not good or healthy for your daughter (or for your mental health) to have her be left alone with men that you don't trust or know.
I don't think anyone is making any of these arguments. (I hope!)

It sounds as if you don't really have any good male friends that you trust, or really any men in your life (other than dd's dad) who you trust to babysit your daughter. In that light, your rule about not leaving her alone with men (other than her dad, I hope) makes a lot of sense. I have two boys, and they are not alone with men other than my dad and their dad. Only because none of the other men I know (and would trust) could handle 8-month-old twins on their own, but still.

I think that what people are reacting to, and what I react to most viscerally on this issue, is the blanket rule about men, with no exceptions. I think that many blanket rules on many topics can cause problems. I would wish for you that you are able leave yourself the freedom to make exceptions to this rule when you feel comfortable with a male that you trust and know well.

I am also a victim of sexual abuse, and I understand the horror that comes at the thought that your child may suffer the same kind of experience. I think even lucky moms who have never had this kind of thing happen to them can imagine how horrible it would be. I think you need to do whatever you can to protect your daughter, especially in this age when such a ridiculously high percentage of our women are being abused. I understand that you are working on your issues, and it's really great that you are getting the help that you need to feel better, but it does take time. I would recommend that you do a lot of reading (the books that someone else recommended sound really great), and a lot of thinking about where your boundaries are (I think you are already working on this one).

Of course you are free to parent your child in a way that you see fit. No one is trying to take that away from you. If you have never seen men around children and never had positive males in your life, then I can understand your fears. But I also want to assure you that there are men out in the world who would be wonderful influences on your child. Many of my male friends are going to be great teachers and role models for my boys as they get older, and I would wish the same for your daughter. Does that mean you need to go out and leave her alone with them asap? Absolutely not. But my hope for you is that you are able to work through your issues and meet some male friends who will show you that not all men are to be feared.

Good luck to you and your daughter.
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#87 of 90 Old 05-27-2008, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Blucactus thank you. It's comforting to know I (hopefully) made the right decision with G/GH.

lolalola


Quote:
It sounds as if you don't really have any good male friends that you trust, or really any men in your life (other than dd's dad) who you trust to babysit your daughter. In that light, your rule about not leaving her alone with men (other than her dad, I hope) makes a lot of sense.
That is exactly the case. Maybe I never made that point clear. DD's dad is the ONLY man in my life. He's been the only man in my life for years. I trust him 200% with dd. He's as paranoid as I am, if not more about this topic. We've been on and off for years and I've dated here and there...but never formed a bond with another man like him. I don't think I will. I don't think I want another man. Another woman, sure...but not into men all that much. At all. DD's dad is special...he had a way with me.....and I think he'll be the last for me. He gave me a beautiful dd who I will protect 'til my death. DD will probably grow up with one dad/stepmom....and me/stepmom. Maybe I'm scared of men....maybe I'm just more comfy with women. I dunno...but I don't forsee meeting anymore men in my life. I don't want to. So yeah, she'll have more female exposure...but she will have male exposure (just not as much and won't be alone with anyone but her father....FOR NOW).

DD's half brothers are young curious (1)preteen/(1)teen boys. They've been caught numerous times checking out porn, sneaking peeks of their aunt getting dressed/undressed, figured out the code on the TV and ordered a porn movie, etc. That's all normal, IMO. But the fact of the matter is they are young, horny, curious boys....and they do NOT need to see my dd naked or be alone with her. Period. Their dad (dd's dad) agrees 200% that they shouldn't see her naked or be alone with her. At least for now. Maybe when they're older things will be different. For now, we are doing what we believe is the best course of action to protect our dd.

It all seems perfectly logical to me...and dd's dad. Nothing anyone says will change my (his) mind, so why even try anymore?

Thanks for all the positive input (for those who were supportive/positive/stuck to the actual question at hand)....all greatly appreciated!
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#88 of 90 Old 05-27-2008, 11:04 PM
 
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Hi all a few posts have been removed because of UA violations, or QUOTING posts that had been removed. If there are any questions, feel free to PM me. Let's keep this thread on track and only respond to MayBaby on the concern she brings to this thread and not refer to old posts.

Thank you.

                                Whatever will be, already is...
 
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#89 of 90 Old 05-28-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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Maybaby I remember your threads in the past and I can see how hard it is to have these issues with men. I am glad you are working through them whether or not I agree with some of your viewpoints. Good for you for deciding to reevaluate your dd's childcare situation, it is hard to hurt your G-ma but when your baby's safety is in question it doesn't really matter whose feelings get hurt as long as she is safe from harm.

I agree with Demeter you really need to pick up a copy of Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker. It will lend you a lot of insight and hopefully will enforce you to be able to trust your gut more.

Good luck with everything and I hope you find healing in your life.
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#90 of 90 Old 05-29-2008, 07:25 PM
 
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I just wanted to mention something.....I am VERY careful about who I trust with my children. Very. I always believed between that and my open talks with my sons about appropriate touching and what to do if someone makes them uncomfortable...(and trust me, these were very thorough open frank discussions and I really thought they GOT it) that my diligence woudl keep them from harm.
Well, it turns out that my 4 year old was sexually molested by an 8 year old girl IN MY OWN HOME> She was molested herself at a younger age and I did not know about this or I woudl have been more diligent. It is my friends daughter who I babysat often and though they were never alone for prolonged times...it did not take much. Once they set up a tent with a blanket in teh bedroom to block my view but the door was open and they were only in there long enough for me to vacuum the livingrrom with teh door open and the bedroom within my line of sight. Plain and simple, you cannot garuntee no harm ever coming to your child. Therefore living paranoid may do more harm then good.
THAT being said......there is a difference between blind paranoia and mothers intuition. If ANY teensy bit of your heart says your daughter is not okay in the current situation, please please please follow your heart. Could gramma babysit at YOUR home without her husband? Trust me, the guilt you will carry if you HAD the option to do things different and didn't and GOD FORBID something happened....... I understand that feeling all too well. Though I was unaware of the girls past experience and never considered another CHILD to be a possible threat... I still feel so guilty that my son lost his innocense right in my own home.
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