WWYD? Daycare/SAH/work? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Mods, I'm putting this here because I figured if I put it in the SAHM or Working Mamas areas, the views would be somewhat biased (either for SAH or work, etc)....I thought here I could get a more unbiased range of opinions?

We have been struggling with money ever since DH got out of the Marines 4 years ago. We lost our first home to foreclosure and have been late on all of our bills at one time or another, so our credit is horrid. I'm so tired of struggling.

Dh is not very motivated. Period. He will work his butt off once he gets in a job, but he sucks at looking for work. He loves video games, and that's just about all he does. We moved back to the town we've lived in for 3 years after living with my parents for awhile, and we were expecting him to get a city job but that fell through at the last minute. That was a month ago, and he hasn't really done anything to look for another job since then. We're living off of our tax return, which is quickly running out. He does get $1,000 per month from the GI bill for going to school online, and that helps. He's expecting to get a job at a gaming store for $8/hour which isn't going to come close to paying our bills, as a family of 6. He doesn't seem to care. I wish he would put more effort into looking for a better paying job, but that's not going to happen. He's a wonderful, involved father, he just doesn't have that "spark" or drive to get out there and make things happen, if you KWIM.

I've been trying to get back into nursing school for 7 years. The timing has never worked out with having babies or what have you. I finally have a chance to get back in at a local community college, and my family has said they would help us financially to get through school. Dh is saying he wants to work while I'm in school (doing what? making $8/hour??) and refuses to ask his family to also contribute to helping us through school so we don't have to put the kids in daycare. He announced that I WILL be going back to school, and we ARE putting the children in daycare.

Umm. : I feel very strongly against putting the children in daycare. They will only be 4, 2 and less than a year old when I go back. I have never left them. I feel that me going back to school is our only chance at a stable financial future, but the cost seems so great. I don't handle stress well, and I have severe emetophobia (imagine all the germs they'll encounter in daycare ) and I just don't know how I'll make it through the stress of intense nursing school, while leaving my children and worrying about or dealing with sickness.

My desire/our need for financial security is conflicting with my desire to hunker down at home with my babies. I don't want to put them in daycare, and we have no family around to help. We do want more children, and if I go to school and start working as an RN, I'm not sure when/if that will happen either. But how will we ever get out of this hole financially? Ugh.

WWYD?
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#2 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:17 AM
 
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Well first of all, with three kids a nanny might be cheaper than daycare. If that option would be more palatable to you, it might be better financially anyhow. Otherwise if you do decide to go to school and don't get a nanny, you might be able to find a very small family daycare that is less germy.

It does sound as though something has to change, and if your DH is as set in his ways as you describe, there isn't much you can do about it. I actually love our daycare and DS is very happy there, but I know it isn't for everyone.

I'm not clear on all the distances here; would you be able to move back closer to your parents and get them to help with childcare?

If you want advice on how to SAH I have no idea, but maybe someone else will.
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#3 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:21 AM
 
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I have been a SAHM for 14 years (I have 3 kids) and it works for us--but only because my husband has a really high powered job that is very stable. He does the long hours it requires, and knows I am here at home to take care of the kids and everything else.

Your situation is very different, and reading what you have written--it does sound like it might be better if you had a stable job. I think nursing is a FANTASTIC career for a mom, and the pay is very good and benefits are as well. It sounds like it may be the right choice for your family. I know you are struggling with the decision to put the kids in daycare, but maybe you can find one that feels like a good fit for your kids--like a smaller family daycare where they can be together.

Good luck,
Lisa
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#4 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:24 AM
 
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A nurse with emetophobia? Sorry, that's kind of funny

Anyhoo, why doesn't your DH stay home with kids? His $8/hr, once taxes are taken out, is barely going to cover daycare anyway, so what's the point?

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#5 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:27 AM
 
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I am going a bit off topic here... but (and this is coming from a place of concern for you) if you are truly emetophobic, have you thought about how hard nursing may be as a career for you? I don't mean to try to dissuade you, but well, nursing is one of those careers where vomit, unfortunately, is part of the job description. I'm in nursing school now and was a CNA before and I can't imagine many nursing positions that won't occasionally involve emesis. And, you are almost certain to need to deal with it during nursing school clinicals.

I am not a parent yet so I have no advice on the daycare, etc. I'll just give you a hug because you sound so stressed.

Me , 36 year old RN and future AP mom in training . I am wife to one wonderful husband and "mom" to one great rescue pup :.
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#6 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:31 AM
 
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Anyhoo, why doesn't your DH stay home with kids? His $8/hr, once taxes are taken out, is barely going to cover daycare anyway, so what's the point?
I assumed it was to allow him time to study since he is in school online. But if he can manage that with no or part-time daycare, that's a good idea.
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#7 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:37 AM
 
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I have to ditto what the other two said about nursing and your phobia, kind of umm....well you know.
Since you DH isn't exactly doing anything right now why doesn't he watch the kids during the day while your at school and then you can take over in the evenings and he can work his gig then. Some schools also have evening jobs if he is obligated to work during the day for some reason. So try to find an opposite shift. After you complete school though I have to say it will probably be unavoidable to put them in some type of daycare as most nursing shifts are for 10-12 hours. Basically working four 10 hour shifts a week if your full time and 2-3 ten hour shifts for part time. At least that was my experience with it when I tried.
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#8 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by gealach View Post
I am going a bit off topic here... but (and this is coming from a place of concern for you) if you are truly emetophobic, have you thought about how hard nursing may be as a career for you? I don't mean to try to dissuade you, but well, nursing is one of those careers where vomit, unfortunately, is part of the job description.
This was my thinking as well. Having you go back to school for a stable career may be a very wise move for your family, but nursing may not be the best choice for you.

It sounds like you and DH need to have a serious talk about family finances and parenting decisions- it's not his place to decide that you're going to school and the kids are going into daycare, nor would it be your place to announce that he's getting a better job. You're supposed to be a team. You need to talk about the available options, including family help- are the "strings attached" worth accepting their help?

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#9 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:50 AM
 
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Originally Posted by gealach View Post
I am going a bit off topic here... but (and this is coming from a place of concern for you) if you are truly emetophobic, have you thought about how hard nursing may be as a career for you? I don't mean to try to dissuade you, but well, nursing is one of those careers where vomit, unfortunately, is part of the job description. I'm in nursing school now and was a CNA before and I can't imagine many nursing positions that won't occasionally involve emesis. And, you are almost certain to need to deal with it during nursing school clinicals.
.
Not only vomit, but poop, urine, brains on the floor and blood coming from tubes, dripping onto the floor. Respiratory secretions. To me even more gross than brains, is when people vomit sh*t because of an intestinal blockage :Puke

Your exposure is not limited to fluids either, airborne, contact and other exposures as well.

But if your hearts set on nursing, go for it. You will have stability. And I am sorry, but no way no how could I live by the skin of my teeth. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to take care of her family. There is more than one way to do it.

Go to school any way you can. Do whats best for your family's financial stability and future.
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#10 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all...I know it sounds weird for me to go into nursing with emetophobia....I don't really know what to say about it. I've ALWAYS wanted to work with pregnant mamas and babies, and my goal is to become a L&D nurse. I know the clinicals are unavoidable and will be nasty (believe me I've already thought about that ), and there will be some vomiting with labor, but that's different than the non-stop sick vomiting that is so scary to me, if that makes sense. Being trapped in my house with my children or husband when they are vomiting is much different to me than the vomiting I will witness in clinicals. But it is still a concern of mine. I just don't know of any other field that offers me work with moms and babies, with the stability of nursing.

I've thought about dh working nights, but somebody brought up the fact that he can't work all night and be responsible to watch the kids all day...when will he sleep? Which was a good point. I don't know what to do.
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#11 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 03:02 AM
 
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Thank you all...I know it sounds weird for me to go into nursing with emetophobia....I don't really know what to say about it. I know the clinicals are unavoidable and will be nasty (believe me I've already thought about that ), and there will be some vomiting with labor, but that's different than the non-stop sick vomiting that is so scary to me, if that makes sense. Being trapped in my house with my children or husband when they are vomiting is much different to me than the vomiting I will witness in clinicals. But it is still a concern of mine.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about so no need for the blushing smilie! I understand the desire to be a nurse. I just want to make sure that you know it will be more than witnessing vomiting. You'll need to be able to hold the emesis basin for incapacitated patients, clean up vomit from a patient and from surfaces, and even occasionally save and/or search through vomit to see if blood or undigested meds can be spotted. Not trying to trigger you or anything, but it is best to know in advance what you may be facing.

Me , 36 year old RN and future AP mom in training . I am wife to one wonderful husband and "mom" to one great rescue pup :.
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#12 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 03:10 AM
 
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I have PM'd you
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#13 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 09:33 AM
 
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OP, was your DH deployed? Has he been checked for PTSD? Sounds like depression to me.

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#14 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:32 PM
 
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Have you thought about doing nursing school in stages and alternating that with work? Some of the community colleges around here allow you to works towards an RN in three steps, nursing assistant, LPN, and then RN. I also have had friends who became a nursing assistant while in nursing school to get extra practical experience while making maybe $12 an hour, which is better than retail.

Also, look into aid programs though your community college. Based on your situation, you may qualify for reduced-fee childcare for your kids. If it's through the college, this programs are often very good as they are staffed by students learning about early childhood education. You also might qualify for assitance with the cost of school.

If you don't receive aid, full-time childcare for three kids could easily cost almost $30k a year, while at $8 an hour you earn less than $17k a year, before taxes. Doesn't make sense...

I'm also a SAHM mom and I hope to return to nursing school over the next few years. I'm not sure exactly how we'll make it work with three little boys. It will be eaiser when the kids are school age - and I think nursing makes a lot of sense because it's possible to earn a full-time income in just 3 days a week and to still be around with my boys. The hardest time will be getting through school!
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#15 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 02:41 PM
 
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Also, as far as your husband, he might qualify for some sort of worker retraining through a community or technical college. I think it makes sense to try to encourage him so that he can support your family. It probably would mean a lot to him to know that you love and respect him and you believe that he can get thorugh this. I worry with guys in general that if you let them be lazy, they become lazy - but if you trust them with responsibility, they tend to step up.

Is your husband's online school leading to a good job? Would it make more sense to try to get him through school first?
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#16 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 03:00 PM
 
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Thank you all...I know it sounds weird for me to go into nursing with emetophobia....I don't really know what to say about it. I've ALWAYS wanted to work with pregnant mamas and babies, and my goal is to become a L&D nurse. I know the clinicals are unavoidable and will be nasty (believe me I've already thought about that ), and there will be some vomiting with labor, but that's different than the non-stop sick vomiting that is so scary to me, if that makes sense. Being trapped in my house with my children or husband when they are vomiting is much different to me than the vomiting I will witness in clinicals. But it is still a concern of mine.
I really feel the need to point out that mamas about to have a baby aren't necessarily healthy or clean and not potentially infected with all kinds of gross stuff. We get mamas that are high on all kinds of drugs and with MRSA and infected ringworm and other weird rashes and who obviously haven't bathed in days, etc, etc. Plus, mamas often have other medical complications. L&D can be messy and kind of yucky too.

Maybe the NICU would be a better place for you? Do you think you could do sick babies?

I agree with the PP who said that a nanny might be cheaper/easier for your situation than daycare.

I love nursing and can't imagine another job that would be as good of a fit for me. I'd hate to see you put in all this effort to get through school only to hate the job!

Jen, L&D RN, CBE, CLEC who loves to knit.gif! I adore my modifiedartist.gifDP, treehugger.gifDD 10/98, & sweet new babygirl.gif5/10!!!
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#17 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 03:12 PM
 
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The OP, as far as I know, isn't really worried exactly about germs/infection/other body fluids. She is emetophobic, meaning she has a phobia about vomit. I think the OP mentioned the germ factor about daycare because those germs could potentially lead to her children being sick and vomiting, a concern of hers because of her phobia.

Me , 36 year old RN and future AP mom in training . I am wife to one wonderful husband and "mom" to one great rescue pup :.
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#18 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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I am in agreement that perhaps your hubby might have some depression issues. Feel free to PM me if you want to...my DH is a Desert Storm veteran who is now finishing up a Master's in Counseling so that he can offer some insight to the guys and gals now returning...he might even be able to do some phone counseling with your husband.

Things can spiral very quickly when you have financial stressors, yes?

Being an RN would give you that $ stability but I understand the overwhelming feeling of trying to get going and still have your children cared for. I had considered it as well but for me, the pre-reqs (for a BSN) were adding up to a 3 year journey that I decided not to take. ....what is your husband's GI bill paying for?...online students have real challenges with the motivation to learn/finish..there just isn't the support/face-to-face interaction with a professor that sometimes people need.

Anyway, sending you a hug and let me know if my DH can help.
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#19 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 03:56 PM
 
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A nurse with emetophobia? Sorry, that's kind of funny
it's not really. MOst nurses I know (and I'm in nursing school) are moderate to severe germ-a-phobes.

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#20 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 04:02 PM
 
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The OP, as far as I know, isn't really worried exactly about germs/infection/other body fluids. She is emetophobic, meaning she has a phobia about vomit. I think the OP mentioned the germ factor about daycare because those germs could potentially lead to her children being sick and vomiting, a concern of hers because of her phobia.
Ah- I didn't read it that way- I thought she was saying that she had a germ phobia as well.

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#21 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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to the OP, have you considered any other kind of avenues other then your leaving the house? Some sort of WAH, having other kids around (daycare) , counseling for dh (either job counseling or something else).

Personally I hate video games. lots of guys live in them because it's easier to fail there then in the real world. (and you can easily get cheat codes for any game online)

I've tried it all, am in a similar situation (dh with depression and a fear of failure, many many many years of ecking by, I even WAH and owned a daycare) but over the last few years have decided that we have to work with what we have. I did that for many years and sacrificed a lot and did SAH and work day and night. I have worked the night shift and home schooled all day for years on end.

At some point you do become frustrated that no matter how much you give and work, you still don't make ends meet when one partner has this kind of problem. See, I'm not willing to give up on my partner, but I am also not willing to give myself away anymore.

I have drive and ambition, dh does not. He's a great dad though, and is very nurturing.

I found a daycare, that is actually equal to what I was doing at home. The kids are excited to go (2 and 4, the other 3 attend a local charter...which is pretty darned excellent)

I say go for your dream, if this is it.

Carrie, The Birthteacher CCE and Doula, real mom to five; and womb-mom to G. born at 23w by emergency C. 12/09
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#22 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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Ah- I didn't read it that way- I thought she was saying that she had a germ phobia as well.
I thought so too.

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#23 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all. It helps so much to hear from other nurses, to know what the job is really like. I've been thinking a lot about this.... the only reason I've ever wanted to go into nursing is to work with mothers and babies...NICU would be a good fit too, I think. I've always had a passion for pregnancy, birth and new babies, something having to do with that would be my dream job. The reason I'm stuck on nursing is because it combines being able to work with mothers and/or babies, with financial security, and I haven't found any other profession that does that. I've thought about becoming a doula or licensed midwife, but there just isn't the financial security in those that we'd need. And being on call would be an issue with young children.

My fear is about contagious vomiting. I can handle someone throwing up if it's because of labor, it's the continuous over and over vomiting that really terrifies me. That's what I fear about putting my kids in daycare- the exposure to all of those nasty vomiting illnesses *shudder* Is it also normal for nurses to get sick a lot? I was thinking you'd be pretty protected from things since you'd usually be wearing gloves and/or mask when dealing with bodily fluids, etc. I appreciate you all sharing anything you can about the realities of nursing.

Since I do get overwhelmed easily, I'm not even sure I'll be able to make it through nursing school, esp if it's as bad as some of you have pointed out, lol. If it's just constant diarrhea, vomitting, changing adult diapers, giving enemas, things like that, I'm not sure I'll be able to do it. I can handle blood, brains, etc, it's the digestive stuff that really gets to me.

The idea of being a PP doula hit me in the middle of the night last night There's nothing like that in our area, and I'm thinking there could be a good market for that...? I'm not sure that I could make a decent living doing that, but that would be perfect if I could. I would love it. From what I've seen, the hourly pay is the same or even more than nurses, and I wouldn't have to deal with all the nasty stuff.

I don't know. Any other ideas or advice would be great. Thanks everyone.
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#24 of 27 Old 09-01-2008, 08:17 PM
 
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My fear is about contagious vomiting. I can handle someone throwing up if it's because of labor, it's the continuous over and over vomiting that really terrifies me. That's what I fear about putting my kids in daycare- the exposure to all of those nasty vomiting illnesses *shudder*
I think you're overstating the problem of vomiting in daycares. I've never heard of any childcare facility that permitted children to stay if they vomit. At both places the kids have been, you're not supposed to let your kids go if they've vomited in the last 24 hours. If they do vomit, you have to come get them immediately. TBH, my son was in daycare 2 days a week for a year, and he was the only kid there who ever vomited. It wasn't even a digestive issue; it was mucus. Still he was the only one. (I know this because it's something they note that they let you know - if another child has vomited, had diarrhea, etc.) So if that's your primary concern about daycare, then I think you should reassess.

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Is it also normal for nurses to get sick a lot?
In general they do not. My mother is a nurse manager, and she gets really frustrated with nursing students who cannot handle vomit or poop. To her, if vomit makes you gag, what are you doing in nursing? They have a few students every quarter who don't make it through clinicals because of it, so it's definitely something I'd reconsider if I were you.

I wish we had more PP doulas where I am, but I don't know what the market would be. You're also going to have to have some childcare available because you won't know exactly when you'll be working. I think that's an issue you and your DH can solve if you work at it, but it's just something to think about while you're planning.

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#25 of 27 Old 09-02-2008, 12:29 AM
 
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Is it also normal for nurses to get sick a lot? I was thinking you'd be pretty protected from things since you'd usually be wearing gloves and/or mask when dealing with bodily fluids, etc.
When I was only in the ICU I wasnt sick at all. When I went to work in the ER I didnt get alot of digestive bugs, but strep throat! One year I had it 5 times! The ER docs took care of me, but I was miserable. Then it just got better. One year we had a very bad flu season, and we all got sick, me too, but it progressed into pneumonia. But that was once in the 6 yrs in the ER. I havent had strep in 2 yrs.

I think I told you I was a sympathetic puker. I am such a wimp! Tic tacs and altoids are my saving grace. I should by stock in the company.

And I am a bit freaky about germs... I wash my hands all the time (we are supposed to anyway), and my house is on the cleaner side.
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#26 of 27 Old 09-02-2008, 12:57 AM
 
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If at all possible, I would stay home with the babies. They are only little once, and they want you more than they want money/material things. If I were in your situation, I would talk to DH about how important it is for me not to miss out on the kids' young years, and how you really need for him to be more of a provider for your family. At the very most, I might consider getting a part-time job during the time that your DH won't be working so that he can stay with the kids while you work.
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#27 of 27 Old 09-02-2008, 03:35 AM
 
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Working diffrent shifts doesnt mean he would have to work all night. If youre done with school by afternoon, he could be at work by four or five, doesnt have to work too, too late. My x and I did that: he worked early, live five am to two pm and I then went to work around three or four, off by ten or so. I was fine in the mornings.

I would rather be home with my kids too, but even with dh and I both working full time, we still barely squeak by with the basics. And i have a college degree, I was promised to make a decent living if I did that and here I cant even pay back my student loans. So I am enrolling in an online MBA program and hoping for a job that pays much better and if Im really lucky, maybe one that lets me work from home!

I second the opinion that your dh may be depressed. Be that as itmay, you may well be in a situationthat requires you to provide financial security if you are going to have it.

Could you live in government housing for awhile? When my oldest was a baby we managed rent on my x's income alone, but i got foodstamps, medicade, etc. I agree that the kids need you more than stuff, but if you arent able to make the basics, rent, food etc then you do have to do something. Only you know.

But you can go to school and him work and not put the kids in daycare if you just work out your schedules.Do you have any family nearby that could help? Look into connecting with other moms, maybe even moms in nursing school, post something at school, trade babysitting. You can also usualy find good, dependable cheap childcare if you advertise on campus, a college student styding child development would see it as job experianceand college students are cheaper than daycare im guessing!

Good luck with whatever you decide!

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2003) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness
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