Need Advice-Differing opinions on care with DH - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 10:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really wasn't sure which forum to put this in because it covers a few things that are jumbled into my mind at the moment. I apologize if I picked the wrong forum and if a mod can move to appropriate place that would be more suited, that would be great.


So... DH and I have started our peditrician interviews yesterday for our baby.

Some background first, DH has a daughter from previous marriage and some of this pregnancy has been a fight as me and his ex-wife are night and day... she went all medical and I really don't want to. lol So he is leary of anything he doesn't know about and of course since he has BTDT he thinks he knows best.

So our first big argument for the newborn things was Vit K, eye goop and Hep B... after weeks of talks I think I finally had him come around to decline the Vit K and delay the Hep B, getting the eye goop after first hour of life, as a compromise sort of thing...


Then we go meet our first peditrician yesterday and all my hard work is blown completely out of the water and I am feeling very very discouraged and broken at the moment.

First of all... she didn't come across as much of an advocate for natrual things... she would continue on that there are clients there that extend breastfeed and don't vax and such, but she highly recommends and encourages clients to vax and get the flu shot. This was already starting to make me uncomfortable.

When I asked about BF support and when she heard I'd have to return to work and pump her answer, "It's good if the baby has BF for just 2 weeks. It's so hard to pump when going back to work and it leaves Mothers depressed when their supply goes away and they can't do it, don't feel bad if you can't make it."

Not the answer I was looking for. : Gee... way to show support there!


Then DH asked about the Vit K shot... *sighs* She said she highly recommends it (of course!)... I asked her to please define why it would be neccessary in a normal vaginal birth where there is no bruising and the baby would be BF right away, getting Vit K from the colustrum.

Her response, "well you can't really know how much Vit K a baby is getting in about an ounce of colustrum can you? I wouldn't want to take that risk."

You know with an answer like that... It is truly amazing to me that any of us are still here! : Seriously! What happened in the past couple years to all of a sudden make colustrum not good enough??

So of course DH is all freaked out again and said a doctor knows more than me and basically just thinks I'm looney tunes and should just nod my head and let the doc do their thing. So he is now back on the argument "my daughter had it done and she is fine." He has nothing to say when I argue neither him or I had it done and are fine as well.


I just don't know what to do... I feel so defeated. I'm very tired and was hoping to not have to do a billion ped. interviews... because honestly I'm afraid I will run into more of the same, all the while building DH's case for an "I told you so." And I just feel like crawling into a hole and crying and just giving up and being the nodding head puppet. I can't keep fighting over all the same issues.... and when he now has "doctors" on his side...


Mamas.... what would you do??? How do you keep fighting for what you beleive in? What do you do when your own DH thinks you are "too into this natural crap".

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#2 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 11:13 AM
 
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When I asked about BF support and when she heard I'd have to return to work and pump her answer, "It's good if the baby has BF for just 2 weeks. It's so hard to pump when going back to work and it leaves Mothers depressed when their supply goes away and they can't do it, don't feel bad if you can't make it."

Not the answer I was looking for. : Gee... way to show support there!
The above statement alone horrifies me.

I would be looking for another doctor.

I know my DH totally listens to everything the doctors say and I can relate to your situation.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#3 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 11:26 AM
 
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I'm sorry, it sounds like a difficult situation. I think the only thing you can do is keep trying to get him to understand because you know what will be best for your child. Do NOT go back to that dr!!! It may take some searching, but if you can find a dr that has similar viewpoints as you or at least an open mind that might help . Since the info will be coming from a dr. maybe your DH will listen.
Good luck!
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#4 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 11:27 AM
 
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Keep looking for another dr. There's no reason it has to be a pediatrician; family practice doctors also care for babies and are sometimes more open minded about forgoing the "schedule" of practices.

Check out the "Finding Your Tribe" forum. You can get recommendations about doctors there. Go to a LLL meeting, and ask around there if anybody has a sympathetic dr. (They love to see pregnant women at meetings, btw!)

If he's going to take the word of the dr. as the voice of God, then you're going to have to find a doctor you trust. Maybe even pre-interview them on the phone before your dh meets them. The more times he hears "oh of course you need the Vit K" the more it will reinforce his opinion.

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#5 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 12:01 PM
 
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i like the pre-interview idea, that way he wont even be able to hear the doctors who dont know what they are talking about.


with us, dp was alittle more on the fence then your dh, so it was probably an easier fight for me. but.. i told jackson that i would absolutely discuss anything he wanted, but he needed to do his own research and come to the table educated on the ideas. he started to research, important ones like vax, finally he started to realize how right i was nowadays, he doesnt even question. he realizes i do enough research for the two of us and i only want the absolute best for our baby.

good luck, i think a lot of mamas go through this fight. just keep trucking, know your stuff, and he'll realize soon enough. some of this stuff is a no brainer (stop breastfeeding at 2 weeks! come on now)

with love, bailey...
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#6 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 12:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Mamas!! I love love the pre-interview idea!! I wonder if docs will take time to do that quick... though I suppose some of my answer if they will or not will tell me how comfortable I will feel with them.


DH did say to go to more docs... but he said if the next three we go to all say the same thing I have no case. So that's why I'm scared! lol

I had no idea how complicated and what a project it would be to find a good doc to click with.

But I agree... as much as I like the small practice... I think this doc would end up making me feel pressured a lot to things I don't agree with, and with her in DH's ear... doesn't leave me much of a foundation...


Will go to tribes to check out advice too. Thank you!!!!


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#7 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 12:19 PM
 
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I am similar to your husband in some ways. I want my baby vaxed. We did decline Vitamin K initially, and got the oral one instead after the birth.

Dad to DD 9/2008
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#8 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 12:24 PM
 
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My DH is the same way (minus the older child). I'm sorry. I know it's so hard! You already feel like everyone is against you and then DH is saying "I told you so".

Go to the Finding Your Tribe area. I searched mine for ped recommendations and I found a really great doctor! Just schedule interviews with the ones you find suggested there. That way you know they'll at least be open to your way (if other MDC mamas are suggesting them they must be!). And you won't go into it feeling like it's you against the world.

DH is coming around to a lot of things now that he hears our doctor says they're OK.
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#9 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 12:53 PM
 
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My ped is also a lactation specialist and the practice rents breast pumps - maybe you can look for a lactation specialist MD - more likely to support your values. Mine is fine w/ delaying vax, skipping some vax and totally supports my extended tandem nursing - she even tells me she skipped some vax w/ her LO. It is way worth your time to find a ped you trust.
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#10 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 02:06 PM
 
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DH did say to go to more docs... but he said if the next three we go to all say the same thing I have no case.
That's very faulty reasoning! If you interview three high school principals and none support homeschooling, does that say something about homeschooling? Or does it show that principals are invested in public/private education?

Of course doctors support using medical technology. That's what they do, that's what they are trained in. They are experts in medical technology; it's a given that they promote it. THEY MAKE MONEY OFF OF IT.

Now, what I've just said does not, on the other hand, disprove the validity of medical technology either. All we can conclude is that people who work in the medical profession promote the use of medical technology. You have to do the research to come to more conclusions.

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#11 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 02:49 PM
 
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Just wanted to say that I have KAISER and the pedi was totally fine with no eye goop (not really necessary at all unless you have had ghonnera or chlamydia) and delaying Hep B (although we don't plan on getting it at all, she didn't blink an eye when I told her we were delaying). She did encourage me to do Vit K but she listened to me when I told her my concerns and then she provided me peer-reviewed journal articles to back up her information. I decided to get it. I don't know if I would choose to get it again but I appreciated her information and quite honestly, I just didn't feel that strongly about it. And this was just the on call pedi doing the rounds in the maternity ward.

So yeah, there are some very mainstream pedi's out there that will go along with what you want, IMO you aren't asking for anything that drastic.

Jenna in love with my DH Jon, loving our 2.5 year old, Caroline Tulip, and expecting another little one in August!
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#12 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 04:40 PM
 
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My DH is very mainstream. The whole natural childbirth, no epidural, etc absolutely freaked him out. I spent my pregnancy reading books to him to educate him. The point was to prove to him that just because the general consensus says x, that doesn't mean it makes any sense whatsoever. He was really not on board with no vax, but what sense could it possibly make to have a day old infant need a vax for a sexually transmitted disease? No sense from the baby's health needs. The more and more of this stuff that I pointed out to him, the more he had to accept that a lot of this stuff was not based on logic or even evidence. They even eye-goop the c/s babies. Why? I wore him down with my data. I have told him all along that he is welcome to have an opinion on it but if it isn't based on anything other than "well that's what everyone else does" then it will NOT be considered.

I personally had no intention of seeing a pedi as to a large extent they just tow the party line. I see a FP who is cool with my opinions. Absolutely go to your tribal area and see if you can get any recommendations. You definitely need a doc who is supportive of breastfeeding.

And just because he has a child, doesn't make him an expert! That is a very dismissive attitude. Don't accept it. Educate yourself, share the info with him and if his and your views differ, at least you need to make him back his up with data other than that's how we did it with my other child. Good luck, it can be very challenging when you are not on the same page but if you are confident in your educated opinion that can go a long way.
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#13 of 44 Old 11-06-2008, 10:25 PM
 
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Stand your ground. You will be so glad that you did after your baby is older and you can look back and know you did the right thing. Find some good evidence and research online and start printing stuff out and ask around, maybe, at your local le leche league for natural friendly peds. When I was pregnant in Austin, my midwife told me about the ped that all of her clients went to . We went to him and he was great. You need word of mouth advice on who to go to.

Don't give in!
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#14 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 02:18 AM
 
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My DH is also very mainstream and believes anything a doctor says - actually let me rephrase. . . he believes any doctor who is standing right in front of him, but doesn't believe doctors who have internet sites (like Dr Sears, Dr Jay Gordon, etc). So, like some PPs have said, pick and choose what doctor you and he will be meeting with so his ideas aren't reinforced by mainstream doctors. Try to find a medically certified MD that is more into natural childbirth/parenting to see if that sways him. Then, pick the issues you care about most to stand your ground on and let him have a say in other issues if you can.

I have stood my ground on some issues (no circ, extended BFing, delayed vaxing) and compromised on other parenting issues like giving tylenol with a fever, what foods to eat, how much TV to watch, etc, for the sake of our marriage. He's also compromised and happily cloth diapers now. I pick my battles with him because I don't think it's healthy for our relationship for me to disagree with everything he does with the kids. We don't 'agree to disgree' very well, and innocent discussions about child-rearing usually turn into full fledged fights.

He sees merit in gentle discipline but just has western medicine on a huge pedestal.

Good luck!

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#15 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 10:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My DH is also very mainstream and believes anything a doctor says - actually let me rephrase. . . he believes any doctor who is standing right in front of him, but doesn't believe doctors who have internet sites (like Dr Sears, Dr Jay Gordon, etc). So, like some PPs have said, pick and choose what doctor you and he will be meeting with so his ideas aren't reinforced by mainstream doctors. Try to find a medically certified MD that is more into natural childbirth/parenting to see if that sways him. Then, pick the issues you care about most to stand your ground on and let him have a say in other issues if you can.

I have stood my ground on some issues (no circ, extended BFing, delayed vaxing) and compromised on other parenting issues like giving tylenol with a fever, what foods to eat, how much TV to watch, etc, for the sake of our marriage. He's also compromised and happily cloth diapers now. I pick my battles with him because I don't think it's healthy for our relationship for me to disagree with everything he does with the kids. We don't 'agree to disgree' very well, and innocent discussions about child-rearing usually turn into full fledged fights.

He sees merit in gentle discipline but just has western medicine on a huge pedestal.

Good luck!
This sounds the most like my DH... I have printed out TONS of info on everything... even in the begining to get a midwife vs an OB... and he read it all but still didn't care til he spoke directly with the midwife one on one. He is like that with the shot research as well... he needs to hear it from a doctor by mouth. He said for every bit of research I find to back my claims he can find just as much to back his... which is true to an extent... there is studies on everything and often for both sides.


I tried to do a compromise last night and said I'd be more okay with the oral Vit K... he freaked saying it would be more traumatic to shove a dropper down a baby's throat than stick them with a needle and that it is near immpossible to get a baby to take something orally. It's like he just wants to pick a fight over everything.

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#16 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:00 PM
 
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This sounds the most like my DH... I have printed out TONS of info on everything... even in the begining to get a midwife vs an OB... and he read it all but still didn't care til he spoke directly with the midwife one on one. He is like that with the shot research as well... he needs to hear it from a doctor by mouth. He said for every bit of research I find to back my claims he can find just as much to back his... which is true to an extent... there is studies on everything and often for both sides.


I tried to do a compromise last night and said I'd be more okay with the oral Vit K... he freaked saying it would be more traumatic to shove a dropper down a baby's throat than stick them with a needle and that it is near immpossible to get a baby to take something orally. It's like he just wants to pick a fight over everything.
If I could offer the flip side of this...my DW is much more "crunchy" than I am, and it has to do somewhat with our upbringing. I've compromised (and learned to love) a lot of the crunchy baby stuff, but I was very very worried for awhile that I'd have to have six hundred fights with her over everything she read on the internet. Is it possible that your husband feels overwhelmed and very frustrated because of the _amount_ of stuff you're arguing about with him that he never even considered would be problems?

For me, the straw that put me on the defensive was when she brought up people who leave the umbilical cord attached until it falls off of its own accord. I _think_ she was kidding about that, but...who knows, because I think I gave her an extremely frustrated look when she brought it up. There's a theme running through these boards that if you do your research and your husband doesn't want to read about everything you bring up, that then your DH should have no say in what goes on. I find that bunk, honestly. I'm not going to read a book to determine if I should leave the umbilical cord attached to my baby for days after she's born.

Dad to DD 9/2008
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#17 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Plunky,

I honestly don't think I am asking for that much... I tend to be somewhere in the middle of crunchy and mainstream I think.


Our biggest fight was over a midwife vs an OB... I feel as it is MY care I should have had final say in this. It's my body going through it and I am the one birthing and needing to feel comfortable with my care provider... not him.

A lot of stuff I have been willing to compromise on because I do respect that he is a parent too and should have a say... but when his only argument is "I did this with my daughter so we should." It is very frustrating and makes me feel like I will never have a full say with my own child because he has BTDT with everything and we should just go by what he has done... and that is not fair to me, nor do I think it respects my role as a parent.


Thing that really bothers me... two weeks ago I had him on board with no Vit K shot and delaying the Hep B shots... then he talked to this peditrician.

The original compromise was no Vit K shot, eye drops after an hour, and delaying the Hep B til at least the 2 month checkup. These are really the big things I have asked for. I don't think I'm overwhelming him with too many things at once or anything. And then last night I even altered that one to the Vit K to be given orally...

He just wants it all his way or nothing, and that just isn't fair to me and my own opinions... I think I have bent on a lot of things.

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#18 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:23 PM
 
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Are you near enough to these folks? http://www.woodmed.com/ I understand they have a very long waiting list so you would have to start trying to get in now, but I know people travel a few hours to see them.
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#19 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:24 PM
 
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also, why does he want the eye goop? if he knows it's only for gonorrhea, and he knows that there's no way either of you has that, then there's not really any reason for him to push for that, is there?
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#20 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No matter how many times I have told him the eye goop is just for those two specific STDs... he beleives they cover ALL bacteria and it would be good to have to protect from any bacteria floating around the hospital or whatever.

I was trying to not press so much, the whole "choose your battles", because the Vit K scares me sooo much more than the eye drops.

But I know we are both STD clean as we have been tested, and I was tested again through the gammit when I got pregnant.

I even pointed it out to him in the book the hospital gave us that said it is only to protect against clamidia and ghonerrea... but he is stubborn sometimes. Plus the whole, "his daughter had it and is fine" routine speal. *sighs*

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#21 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:33 PM
 
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Ugh. I would say make him find proof of his position, but... you know he has no authority to make any decisions until the birth cert comes back?
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#22 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:48 PM
 
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Ugh. I would say make him find proof of his position, but... you know he has no authority to make any decisions until the birth cert comes back?
Good lord. First you accuse the father of possibly having an STD and then you suggest he get no say at all?

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#23 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 12:52 PM
 
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Good lord. First you accuse the father of possibly having an STD and then you suggest he get no say at all?
Actually, I suggested that he was accusing himself of having an STD.

And yeah, it it were me, I'd give him no say in that. If you cannot bother to be informed about something, you lose your vote. And if it came down to it I would use whatever means necessary to protect my kids. Your mileage may vary.
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#24 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 01:01 PM
 
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I would do a bunch of research and show him the results. Most doctors are trained on how to save people's lives once there is a catastrophe and don't focus on what it is to be healthy. Vit K has saved a few lives, so therefore give it to everyone, despite the negative effects it can have. When I saw what the side effects can be for Vit. K (childhood cancer included.....) I decided the risks were much lower to not get it.... Just my thoughts.

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#25 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 01:13 PM
 
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Another possibility...what does your ob/midwife have to say about these things? Are they in favor of it as "routine", or open to alternatives? If open, maybe he could listen to their opinions? Or perhaps he would be willing to compromise by delaying rather than eliminating them? As in, you get to hold and nurse your baby first, then do the vitamin K and eye ointment? Or see if the nurse would let you hold the baby while applying the shots/eye stuff to make it less traumatic for the little one? Another thought for finding a good ped might be to check with your local LLL group...I bet some moms there would know of peds that are more BF and AP friendly.

I too had to compromise on some things with DH...we did all the "routine" newborn stuff and vaxed on schedule, did some discipline things different than I would initially have tried, did not cosleep as long, but the things that were EXTREMELY important to me I did not back down on...namely extended BF (DS nursed till almost 5, DD is still nursing at 3), and carseats (DD is still RF at age 3, whereas DH thinks she should have been turned around ages ago). I found that for us, picking the things that were my highest priority and sticking with it, and compromising some on others seemed to help both of us to feel involved and good about our parenting decisions. Good luck to you!

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#26 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Another possibility...what does your ob/midwife have to say about these things? Are they in favor of it as "routine", or open to alternatives? If open, maybe he could listen to their opinions? Or perhaps he would be willing to compromise by delaying rather than eliminating them? As in, you get to hold and nurse your baby first, then do the vitamin K and eye ointment? Or see if the nurse would let you hold the baby while applying the shots/eye stuff to make it less traumatic for the little one? Another thought for finding a good ped might be to check with your local LLL group...I bet some moms there would know of peds that are more BF and AP friendly.

I too had to compromise on some things with DH...we did all the "routine" newborn stuff and vaxed on schedule, did some discipline things different than I would initially have tried, did not cosleep as long, but the things that were EXTREMELY important to me I did not back down on...namely extended BF (DS nursed till almost 5, DD is still nursing at 3), and carseats (DD is still RF at age 3, whereas DH thinks she should have been turned around ages ago). I found that for us, picking the things that were my highest priority and sticking with it, and compromising some on others seemed to help both of us to feel involved and good about our parenting decisions. Good luck to you!

MW is totally okay with me declining the stuff. This does not bode well with DH because he doesn't view MW as qualified to be making a call on baby's health... he said he trusts her to know her stuff with laboring and birthing, but when it comes to baby care he wants to hear it from a peditrician. He thinks both me and the MW are too "hoaky".

And the hospital we are birthing at actually does advocate skin-to-skin contact and family bonding time immediately so it is standard for them to wait at least an hour before doing anything. So that isn't something I need to fight on or anything, which is good.

And I agree about letting some things go and standing firm on things I feel strongly about... that is what I am doing. I let go on the eye drops and if I really have to I'll let go delaying the Hep B (though really rather delay), but as a PP stated about the Vit K being linked to childhood cancer... that freaks me out really bad. Cancer runs HIGH in my family as is... It is not a risk I feel like taking. I even told DH if it was a traumatic birth and there was bruising I'd give the shot... but otherwise a normal vag. birth, and the fact we are BF right away... I think the risk is not there.

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#27 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 01:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
And I agree about letting some things go and standing firm on things I feel strongly about... that is what I am doing. I let go on the eye drops and if I really have to I'll let go delaying the Hep B (though really rather delay), but as a PP stated about the Vit K being linked to childhood cancer... that freaks me out really bad. Cancer runs HIGH in my family as is... It is not a risk I feel like taking. I even told DH if it was a traumatic birth and there was bruising I'd give the shot... but otherwise a normal vag. birth, and the fact we are BF right away... I think the risk is not there.
If it helps, you can tell your DH about my experience with this sort of thing. I wrote it up here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...09&postcount=6. If I was him, I'd be skeptical of the "might cause cancer" argument (does chocolate cause cancer this week? Experts will disagree next week I'm sure). But if you're having your birth at a birth center or at home, there's something magical about lying there with your baby after the birth with her being alert and so on. And I don't think you'd get that experience if you did the eye goop right away.

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#28 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by plunky View Post
If it helps, you can tell your DH about my experience with this sort of thing. I wrote it up here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions...09&postcount=6. If I was him, I'd be skeptical of the "might cause cancer" argument (does chocolate cause cancer this week? Experts will disagree next week I'm sure). But if you're having your birth at a birth center or at home, there's something magical about lying there with your baby after the birth with her being alert and so on. And I don't think you'd get that experience if you did the eye goop right away.

lol It's funny you should mention the chocolate thing... that is one of his famous come backs as well, "eggs are good for you one year, eggs are bad for you the next year... seriously how do you make the call?"

*goes to read your story*

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#29 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 01:46 PM
 
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Do you not feel that the Hep B is at least as dangerous as, if not more so, the Vit K?

I wonder if it might be more useful to focus on a general shift in attitude rather than negotiating each and every issue. If you don't, you will find yourself fighting these battles for the rest of your parenting lives together.
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#30 of 44 Old 11-07-2008, 01:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well I do plan on vaxxing... I know not a popular opinion here... but I know there is no way on Earth DH would ever ever go for not vaxxing... I'm so not going into that war.

So I do plan on getting the Hep B for DD eventually... I just don't see the need for a newborn to get it. I did not get the series myelf til 14 y/o. I can't wrap my mind around why they decided that newborns need to get it.

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