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Old 11-10-2008, 05:09 PM
 
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So I was wondering, do your parents/inlaws buy Christmas/birthday gifts for your children that are to be kept only at their house?

yes, but its usually something we agree on. And we never duplicate toys.

I should add though, my MIL is a regular caretaker for my children (3 times per week), while I work... so she has far more toys than most grandparents, I'd assume.

If you want to keep it at your house, why don't you just tell her so. Thank her for being so generous, and let her know you think your DD will like it SO Much, you want her to get as much time with it as possible. You can tell her too that when DD starts not playing with it, you can trade it to her house, so it will be new again next time you visit.

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Old 11-10-2008, 05:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the different viewpoints/ suggestions. Since my mom isn't really open to discussing these sorts of things, I'm going to let it go for this Christmas and buy my dd something else for our home.

Maybe I'll be able to discuss the issues I have in general with her after the holiday season, since this isn't something I want to continue for years to come. I appreciate her wanting to give my dd lots of nice things. I just don't appreciate that the gifts are conditional or that my mom is trying to outdo my husband and myself.
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Old 11-10-2008, 05:43 PM
 
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When you do talk to her. Maybe explain that you appreciate that she wants to buy things dd will enjoy and that you and your DH like for her home, but ask that it not be a regular thing simply because DD doesn't spend as much time there.

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Old 11-10-2008, 06:05 PM
 
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Eh, I'd just take it home anyway. Too bad mom, it's not yours anymore!
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Old 11-10-2008, 06:49 PM
 
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Yeah, I suppose I just found it odd because I think if it's a gift it should be my dd's to take wherever she wants. I was also a little disappointed as this is something I wanted to get for my dd for our home, and I have the feeling if I buy my own, my mom will be upset that hers won't be special. She is really trying to outdo me, and she has all these rules about the gifts she gives, and I'm getting a little tired of it. I've tried to talk to her about it, about how I don't want my dd to get the idea that everyone is supposed to be giving her mountains of gifts, about how me and my dh would like to be able to buy her a "cool" gift too. Her response is that her mother did it to her when I was a kid, so it's "payback time". I guess I'm the one who has to pay . I'm really starting to hate holidays/birthdays.

I think waiting until after the holidays is a good idea. Also, the bolded part, I would talk to her about this. It is very inconsiderate for her to take out an old grudge on you and your DD. Neither your, nor your DD deserve "payback." Then in the future I would give her a lsmall list of items to choose from that you approve of but you are okay if she buys them herself, and don't tell her what you plan to buy.

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Old 11-10-2008, 08:24 PM
 
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My mom used to do this...but with every single gift she got him for xmas. It got to the point when he was 5 or 6, when we got home from their house after opening gifts and he was bawling because he didn't get to bring any of his toys home, that we had to say something. Now she gets him a board game and maybe a couple movies to keep there that they can do together, but she lets him bring everything else home. I thought it was rather cruel to say to a 5 year old "look at all your neat new toys! you can't take them home or play with them but more than once every couple months, though". I don't mind one or two toys, but we had to put a stop to it when it got to the point of every single gift.

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Old 11-10-2008, 08:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ElaynesMom View Post
So I was wondering, do your parents/inlaws buy Christmas/birthday gifts for your children that are to be kept only at their house?
No.
The grandparents who do not have children living with them do buy toys for their home but they aren't presented to the grandchild as a gift for them.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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Old 11-10-2008, 08:56 PM
 
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Gifts with attachments. : I think it is rude and doesnt really make it a gift. I would be bugged by it.

I have never heard of this before, so it isnt the norm where I came from.

"Her response is that her mother did it to her when I was a kid, so it's "payback time". I guess I'm the one who has to pay . I'm really starting to hate holidays/birthdays."

That almost makes me cry. I am so sorry Gee I am beginning to like my family more and more.
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Old 11-10-2008, 10:38 PM
 
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Gifts with attachments. : I think it is rude and doesnt really make it a gift. I would be bugged by it.

:
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Old 11-11-2008, 12:56 AM
 
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Did you tell her that you wanted to get the bead maze?

It sounds like you know what your mom is like, with the one upsmanship. (I have a similar situation with my parents but it shifts as to what it's about--not always about gifts)

Since the gifts stay at her house, I'd just stop giving her hints. WHen she asks what you're looking at giving, you can say "It's a surprise!" She can't steal your thunder or stab you in the back if she doesn't know...and it might be easier to deal with emotionally knowing that any repetition is pure luck.

Did you mom have a good relationship with her mother? I think it's wise to wait until after the holidays if it will cause you a lot of stress, but honestly I'd ask her if she really wants to have a tension filled stressful relationship with you, because you're not her and you'll be putting your foot down about any kind of behavior that's meant to drive a wedge between your daughter and yourself. Sometimes people need to be called out on their behavior. Their response either way will be good, because you'll certainly know where you stand.
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:30 AM
 
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if it's a GIFT it should come home with the person it's given to! if it's something cool to play with at granny's house, then granny should just put it out unwrapped and give it as such.

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Old 11-11-2008, 01:49 AM
 
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I was just wondering if this is the norm in other people's families.
It's not the norm in our family. My mom has a few toys, both indoor and outdoor, and a small selection of movies, which are for the various grandchildren to use when they come over. None of those things were gifts, though. Different strokes and all that, but I find the whole "this is your gift, but you can't actually have it" thing really strange.

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Old 11-11-2008, 01:59 AM
 
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I just finished reading the thread. If I was going to buy the bead maze, I'd buy the bead maze. Then, I'd tell my mom that I'd done so. I have had two family members who manipulate with money and "gifts" with a bunch of conditions attached. I don't play that game - not ever. One of these people almost destroyed my childhood, and caused pronounced damage to me, my siblings and my cousins. Nobody dicks around with my child's happiness, or my relationship with my kids, just so they can play "oh, look what grandma bought you, isn't it the best?". The fact that your mom knows this sucks, and is doing it to you anyway makes me want to hit something.

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Old 11-11-2008, 02:09 AM
 
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I agree with a PP that the solution seems pretty simple. Only suggest to her gifts you would be happy to have her get for your daughter. Those gifts that you want to give your daughter yourself should not be included on any Christmas list, or even discussed/mentioned by you.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the replies, it gives me a lot to think about.

I did not discuss this with my mother, this is something we both thought of independant of each other, so she isn't technically "stealing" my idea. I however, wanted to get it for her as my mom is already buying her other things from the list I did give her, as well as additional items. I wouldn't discuss with my mother what I was getting her, as she does tend to be this way.

I do think I'll try and let this go for now, but I'm definitely going to talk with her after Christmas. I've been stressed and upset by quite a few issues involving my mother, and never like to talk to her because she always tells me I'm being ridiculous, or pulls a "well if you're going to be upset with me, I'm going to be upset with you back" thing.

This one thing probably isn't such a big deal on it's own, but it's small things like this that build up.
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