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#1 of 91 Old 11-16-2008, 07:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I'm hoping someone has btdt and is going to "get" what I'm saying here. I just had my 3rd child, a beautiful baby boy. My first two children are girls. I CANNOT STAND when people see us out & about and make comments like the one my DH & I received today, "Oh, finally a boy. Now that you got your man-child, you can be done, huh?" This was an acquaintance of my DH- well, actually a client (DH owns a local business). And yes, he actually used the word "man-child."

Not only do I not appreciate the fact that he said this in front of my girls, which implies that we basically had them to bide our time while we waited to have a boy, it also implies on a more global level that boys are better than girls. I won't sink to the level of the people who make these comments, esp. not in front of my kids, but I would like to have a handy one-liner in my back pocket on such occasions (more to show my daughters that I don't appreciate their implications, intentional or unintentional).

Anyone have something that doesn't come off as too catty/immature, but gets the point across maturely? I thought about something like, "No, we always planned to have 3 children."
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#2 of 91 Old 11-16-2008, 07:28 PM
 
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"Man-child"? Not only do I find that insulting, but ridiculous too. Isn't that what they called Tarzan?

Frankly, it IS easier to be catty or snarky, but I do like your comment. I don't have any suggestions to add, but HAD to comment on the man-child thing.
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#3 of 91 Old 11-16-2008, 07:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Ellen Griswold View Post
"Man-child"? Not only do I find that insulting, but ridiculous too. Isn't that what they called Tarzan?

Frankly, it IS easier to be catty or snarky, but I do like your comment. I don't have any suggestions to add, but HAD to comment on the man-child thing.

Thanks for at least making me feel validated. I talked to my sister on the phone and she thinks I'm being WAAAY too sensitive. Of course, my sister has one child, a boy.
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#4 of 91 Old 11-16-2008, 07:41 PM
 
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the honest truth is that many people DO think it's better to have boys than girls

maybe you could use a deflection like "yes, DD1 and DD2 are fabulous big sisters; DS1 simply adores them" which stops the "man child" ridiculousness and puts the focus back on your girls

my DD and I are of different ethnicities and I use this technique when someone says something boneheaded to us

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#5 of 91 Old 11-16-2008, 09:25 PM
 
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Especially in light of the "man-child" (what!?!?) comment, I would take the snarky route, and say something like, "Nope! We plan to keep on going until he has a little brother to pal around with."

Since I had twins, I used to get the "instant family" comment. Idiots are everywhere.
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#6 of 91 Old 11-16-2008, 11:51 PM
 
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We have six sons and we get exactly the same (well the opposite really :-) )! "Oh, you must be trying for a girl!" or "Six BOYS!" (and then a comment implying that it must be terrible! AARRRGGGHHHHH!

I think the sex of the person making the comment is relevant. I find that men think it is great that we have so many boys and women think it is awful!

(((HUGS))) I wish I could find an easy answer to these people to just point out to them how ridiculous they are, but I haven't found one, yet!
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#7 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 12:21 AM
 
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I have two girls and everyone asks (or did when i was still married)

"Are you going to keep trying?" For what? A horse??? Or better, "Awww, did your husband want a boy?"




Guess my *women children* are just filler for the real thing!


Seriously.
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#8 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 12:29 AM
 
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I've just started to get some of these comments, "hoping this one is a boy". I have two girls, and am pg with #3. Since we won't know until baby is born, I just say that we are hoping for a third girl.

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#9 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 12:56 AM
 
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What?!?! "Man-child"? I agree with a pp that said sadly, some people *do* think it's "better" to have male children. I don't have any suggestions on what to say, but I just wanted to offer People say some insensitive/crazy stuff sometimes. A lot of people, upon finding out we are expecting a boy, say stuff like "Oh, now you have the perfect little family." : (First was a DD.) I don't know what to say to people either, but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone with people saying stupid stuff.

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#10 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 01:17 AM
 
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You know, when I just had two (a girl and a boy) I had people to tell me I was crazy for wanting more "Why would you want to mess up a perfect set?"

It seems strange to me for people to assume that everyone believes that the "perfect family" must contain at least one of each sex.

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#11 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 01:19 AM
 
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Oh. I know EXACTLY how you feel! I had DS1 prior to meeting DH. DH and I had DD first. I cannot tell you how many people asked me, "Is your husband dissapointed?" "Oh, I'll bet he wanted a boy huh?" etc. DH got MAD and said, "Hey, you are talking about my DAUGHTER!" I got it the other way, "oh, you got your girl huh?" And when I was pg. with DS2 it was, "Well, since C finally got his boy, you can stop now" or the teasing, "Oh, so you CAN make a boy" or to me, "a boy huh? Too bad" (from women). And "So youre done now right?" me: "um no..." them in utter shock, "but you have a boy and a girl!" When I was pg but before we knew my mom said even though she wanted another girl, she was glad dh was getting "his" boy so we would stop now.

But people think this, becuase people are like this. My step sister wanted a girl so bad...the day she found out it was boy number two (and they had agreed no more, mostdays I dont think they even like kids and was really surprised they had another) she was so mad AT THE BABY,that she told me she was going to beat him to make sure he didnt turn out as bad as her first son. Wow.

Anyway I just handle it when asked what we want by saying "A baby". Or field the other insulting comments with, "We just want a healthy baby, we dont care what the gender is".


I also feel this attitude is sending a message to girls that they arent "enough". And thats very sad. Yes, those comments make it seem like you had to keep having babies until you got the "right" one. That is an awful thing to say, espeically in front of your girls! Problem with comebacks, you cant use one that turns the insult around, cuz you dont want to insult your ds either! Maybe you could say, "Actually we were really hoping for a chimpanzee, we're very disapointed...." or look shocked and exclaim, "This is a boy??! Hold on, I have to call the hospital...."

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2003) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness
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#12 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 01:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
I have two girls and everyone asks (or did when i was still married)

"Are you going to keep trying?" For what? A horse??? Or better, "Awww, did your husband want a boy?"




Guess my *women children* are just filler for the real thing!


Seriously.
A horse??? Now that is a good response.

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#13 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 01:34 AM
 
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I'm PG, and we found out gender this time around. I let it slip at work, and have gotten at least 3 idiot comments about DH must be disappointed (Nope, he's THRILLED! Loves his Daddy's Girl and is totally looking forward to another girl), or Are you going to keep trying - I haven't even HAD this kid yet!

I answer back with a grumpy "Females have value!"
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#14 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 01:48 AM
 
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I don't know why people do this either, but it doesn't seem to matter what gender the first 2 are. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me, in front of my darling two boys, "Oh, you *finally* got your girl!" Oh yeah, these other two here, they don't matter, just had to take them as they came along before the girl. : Ticks me off and makes me worried my boys will get their feelings hurt.

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#15 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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I have 4 kids and my third child is my only boy so I totally get what you're saying. When I was pregnant with my DS and when he was a baby all the "You finally got a boy--third time's the charm!" comments got rather tiring.

One of the more annoying comments happened last summer when I left DS at home with DH and went to the mall with my 3 DDs. A man doing Tarot readings tried to get me interested by saying, "I know what you want to ask the cards--when am I ever going to have a boy?" This was right in front of my 3 beautiful daughters. I just don't know how anyone thinks that kind of comment is acceptable. And since I do have a son, some psychic that guy turned out to be.

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#16 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 02:13 AM
 
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How about something along the lines of 'No? Why would it make any difference that he's a boy?' as in 'duh, what a stupid thing to say, I'm so confused!'

It's complicated.
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#17 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 03:54 AM
 
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"We really wanted a siberian tiger, but babies are cheaper"?

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2003) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness
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#18 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 04:17 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luvmy2girls View Post
So, I'm hoping someone has btdt and is going to "get" what I'm saying here. I just had my 3rd child, a beautiful baby boy. My first two children are girls. I CANNOT STAND when people see us out & about and make comments like the one my DH & I received today, "Oh, finally a boy. Now that you got your man-child, you can be done, huh?" ."
Me!! Me!!
I had 3 kids in 3.5 years ... two girls and then a boy. I had the same comments, but the one that got the prize for me was from a friend, "I'm so lucky I got one of each. I don't have to keep having more."
I just explained how I wanted 3 children, it didn't matter what gender they were, I was NOT trying for a boy, I would have loved another girl.
I went on to explain how I felt every girl should have a sister (I don't) and that I felt sorry for her daughter because without a sister she will be all alone in the world. I love my brother but it's not the same as having a sister. She was silent.

No advice, but you can really shock people by acting disappointed and saying "I wanted ALL girls". Of course, that's awful and not true, but it shuts people up.
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#19 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 04:29 AM
 
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I get the same thing in reverse, two boys and then a girl. Everyone assumes we're done since we "finally" : got a girl. It's ridiculous. It was worse being pregnant and getting the "are you hoping for a girl?" question all.the.time.

I usually just mutter somethinglike, "Yes, ALL of my children are such blessings to me..." or the like, and I like to say, "I dunno, we're really, really good at it!" when we get the "now that you got a girl, you must be done?"
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#20 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 05:34 AM
 
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I'm just commiserating. I'll admit I really really REALLY wanted a girl, and I got 2 boys. Believe me, I'm not complaining about my boys I love them to death and I am probably finished having kids... I'm so in love with my sons. But so many people are ecstatic that I have boys, oh god I wouldn't want a girl they're so horrible, their attitudes! boys are so much easier and on and on and on.. it makes me so angry for the girl I never had. And for the girls out there who are just like someone said fillers until these people get their boys. It just gets my back up.
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#21 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 05:54 AM
 
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I am really good at dead-pan comments, so when people say stupid things to me about the sex of my children I say things like, "Well, we were really hoping for puppies this time..." A friend of mine asked me "Did you get your girl yet?" : I played dumb. "Huh? What are you talking about?" He said, "Weren't you trying for a girl?" I said, "Well, frankly, we weren't trying at all." (This baby is uh, a surprise.)

Stupid comments get snark, in my world.

I get asked if we know the sex of the baby ALL the time. Except, people say, "Do you know what it is yet?" My standard response is "Well, we're pretty sure it's a baby..."

"Are you hoping for a girl?" "We're hoping for a healthy baby."
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#22 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 06:40 AM
 
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i have had this before a bunch of times. i have 4 kids, boy, girl, boy, girl. after my first girl i was TOLD to stop by my mum, i was TOLD i should stop by strangers cos i have "one of each" i was happy to have jsut two, but by the time i made that decision i was all ready pregnant with my 3rd. when i found he was a boy i was happy. when i had DD2 i wanted another boy, as soon as i saw her scan and found she was a girl i want for oh i really want a boy, to Woo Hoo its a girl happy happy joy joy, another daughter, a sister for DD1, how wonderfull. i was so happy, when my mum found out her first words were "are you not disapointed" err no, i have my two girls (i was so desperate for a boy because i lost DD1's twin at 11 weeks gestation and i had it in my head that if DD1 couldnt have her twin she should be the only girl. i sharp changed that thought)

we are going to be TTC again after chirstmas, whats the betting i will get comments alonghte lines of

"are you crazy" my answer "yes, crazy about my kids, so crazy about them i just had to have more" or if i am especially annoyed "i think the proper response jsut now should of been "Congratulations""
"dont you have a TV" My Answer "well yes i have 3, and a pc, playstation, Wii, game boy, and i crochet, spin, and i enjoy reading too, why?"
"your fond of a treat" My Answer " well i do like chocolate"
"do you want a boy or a girl" My Answer " well as i have 2 of each i want a what ever comes out"
"what does your husband think" My answer "i dunno ask him"

it crazy that people think they actualy have the right to comment on other people families. a simple "oh thats lovely" or "oh how sweet" is enough.

Kiz
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#23 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 08:54 AM
 
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I don't think it implies that someone thinks that a boy is better than a girl. I think when people make this comment they are making it because it seems like (to them) that you were in fact trying for a boy since you had all girls and finally had a boy. They probably figure you were happy to have a boy this time around since you've only experienced girls thus far.

I've known pregnant women who have said themselves that they were trying for the opposite sex after having three girls in a row or two boys in a row. They will openly admit they want the opposite sex and be crushed if they don't have it. And, I will admit when I see someone with all boys or all girls and they have like 4 or 5 of the same sex child - I usually figure they're wanting the other sex. I'm sorry I think that but I've met other people who think the same thing. I don't mean anything by it.

As far as the comment the guy made - I think most people just don't think before speaking. It was rude for the guy to say that to you. I might think one thing in my mind but I'd never make a comment to someone to their face. That would be incredibly rude.

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#24 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 09:52 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
I have two girls and everyone asks (or did when i was still married)

"Are you going to keep trying?" For what? A horse??? Or better, "Awww, did your husband want a boy?"




Guess my *women children* are just filler for the real thing!


Seriously.
Maybe because I'm tired... but when I read that, my mental image was a woman getting a scan/having the baby, the MW/OB/DP saying "It's a (insert gender here)!" And the mama saying "What?! Not a horse? Have to keep trying."

Quote:
Originally Posted by pantufla View Post
I am really good at dead-pan comments, so when people say stupid things to me about the sex of my children I say things like, "Well, we were really hoping for puppies this time..." A friend of mine asked me "Did you get your girl yet?" : I played dumb. "Huh? What are you talking about?" He said, "Weren't you trying for a girl?" I said, "Well, frankly, we weren't trying at all." (This baby is uh, a surprise.)

Stupid comments get snark, in my world.

I get asked if we know the sex of the baby ALL the time. Except, people say, "Do you know what it is yet?" My standard response is "Well, we're pretty sure it's a baby..."

"Are you hoping for a girl?" "We're hoping for a healthy baby."

sleeping.gifMama to DD dust.gif(12.2005), DS1 sleepytime.gif (01.2009), DS2 babyboy.gif (04.28.2013) with DH heartbeat.gif04.10.13!!heartbeat.gif namaste.gif

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#25 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 10:02 AM
 
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I had a boy first, and when I was pregnant with my second there were MANY people around us (including in our families) who made no effort to hide the fact they wanted a girl this time. Too bad. I had another son and I was delighted. Just wanted to point out that it works both ways. *shrug*

ETA: Congrats on your new baby, OP! I don't think you're being too sensitive, I think ppl making those comments are being too INsensitive...I think it's normal as a mama to be protective of your children when comments like that are said around them...You never want them to feel the pain of thinking that perhaps they were loved or wanted less bc of their gender.
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#26 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 10:13 AM
 
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I think that most people say what it is that THEY would want. So its not about one of each, some people want boys, others girls, others one of each and some really don't care. For me if i saw a person with 3+ boys, i would for sure be THINKING that i would never want that, and truthfully be too scared of getting another boy to even try again (ha that might shut em' up as long as the kids arn't in ear shot) The difference is that i would NEVER comment on somone else kid situation. Other people don't seem to have that frontal lobe control as much.

-L

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#27 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 10:28 AM
 
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How about something along the lines of 'No? Why would it make any difference that he's a boy?' as in 'duh, what a stupid thing to say, I'm so confused!'
:

Where I live it seems to be common that everyone wants a 'pidgeon pair' ie. a boy & a girl. : I didn't want to know the sex of my baby when I was pregnant, so why should it be anyone's business after the birth. I did try to be diplomatic about it, though....

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#28 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 11:05 AM
 
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After ds was born, we got a lot of the "oh, you have your boy and your girl," implying that we must be done. I said, "No, actually, we have our boy room and our girl room. Now we'll just keep piling them in."

If I had 2 of one and was getting comments about trying for the other, I think I'd say something like, "Oh, no, ALL my children are special!"

"If you keep doing the same things you've always done, you'll keep getting the same results you've always gotten."

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#29 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 11:40 AM
 
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I have three boys and then a girl.. I get those comments all the time, too.

We ( the boys and I) usually giggle as bit, but none of us really care. Sometimes I'll look at the boys and say something like " yeah... these boys are AWFUL... I wish I could trade them in"... while looking at the boys.. then we all sort of snicker..
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#30 of 91 Old 11-17-2008, 01:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by griffin2004 View Post
the honest truth is that many people DO think it's better to have boys than girls
why??? what is the history behind that? i've seen so much of it, especially from older generations. i don't get the "carrying on the name" thing or any of that. and if DH's mother insists BOTH my boys look EXACTLY like her boys one.more.time....

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