In the wake of MM article on sex, let's talk about SEX... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 04:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I assume it is okay to discuss this here at TAO. If there is a sexuality forum, moderator please feel free to move it!!

Anyway, SEX. Making love. Or, any of many other words and phrases we have for this physical act of procreation and pleasure.

I found the article to be wonderfully refreshing in a magazine. My dh read it and enjoyed it, as well. Sex is a wonderful part of marriage. The ultimate honesty and trust issue.

I am 44+ and like making love. My husband is 49 and likes making love. We did it a lot while dating and we still do it a lot.

After marriage, we approached the goal of conception with joy and laughter. We felt no pressure to conceive, though age was not in our favor! When we were lucky enough to get pregnant the first month we tried, we slowed down because we weren't sure whether it would be okay to continue early in the pregnancy
We lost that baby, and the one that followed 6 months later. We were supportive of each other throughout our grief, and this brought a new feeling to our lovemaking.

With our third pregnancy, our doc suggested we stop making love completely during the first three months, "just in case". So, we concentrated on other forms of lovemaking which avoided orgasm for me. When, in the beginning of the third month of pregnancy, I was having such vividly sexual dreams of my husband that I was awakinf due to dream orgasms (!), we knew it was my body saying enough is enough, and we resumed our regular love life!

All through the pregnancy, I felt incredibly sexual and sensual. It was wonderful, and, I swear, with the exception of the one month when dh was away fighting wildfires, we made love EVERYday! Happily, I have a husband in great shape! We made love until the day ds was born, and had trouble waiting the several weeks post-birth to begin intercourse again!

We chuckled over the pregnancy and post-partum changes we had to make in our sex life. We marvelled at being able to see the way my tummy rose and tightened during orgasm (since you can't see that in a non-pregnant uterus/belly!). Making love while weraing a bra was a neccessity unless we wanted to wake ds to nurse right before making love. Positions had to change to accomodate my big bump.

The only time it wasn't so great was last year, when a fibroid was growing so big in me that lovemaking became painful and I had a hysterectomy to correct the problem. We made love the night before the surgery (we would have done it that morning, too, but were nervous about the surgery being just 2 hours later!).

My husband still chuckles at the memory of seeing me in our guestroom (I moved-in there for a month post-op to avoid tummy punches & kicks from our co-sleeping ds), four days after the surgery. He came in to check on me, and commented on how rosy-cheeked and relaxed I looked. I grinned and said, "Well, the uterus is gone, but the orgasms aren't!" I'd been concerned that, somehow, the surgery would change my sexual response and made sure, myself, that it hadn't. Happy to report the only change has been positive!

We've been married for 7+ years now, and we still have the passion in our marriage. Pretty wonderful for old folks, 44 & 49, huh?! We make love several times a week and are still creative!

He is gone for a week on business right now, and I miss him both emotionally AND physically. Yes, if something happened, and we could NOT make love anymore, our marriage would survive. Marriage is MUCH more than sex. But, sex IS an important part of it.

I have friends that, if the subject comes up, admit that it isn't a big deal for them. One couple, I have heard this from both of them, hasn't made love for years (and they are only in their early 50s). I find this sad. I am happy in knowing that my in-laws had a 50 year love life almost to the end of mil's life. She told me this herself! She said, though the parts didn't always work as they used to, they still kissed and hugged and found pleasure in ways they COULD, and to not let this part of marriage go. Isn't that lovely? We will do our best to follow in their example.

So, how important is IT in your life and how much do you like it?
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#2 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 06:29 PM
 
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Moving this to Parents as partners.
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#3 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 06:37 PM
 
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well, I wouldn't mind talking about it but we don't have a sexuality forum and almost all topics of this nature are removed for not being " family friendly". Seems we are only allowed to talk about it as it relates to pregnancy and postpartum recovery. So that leaves me out as I haven't been either of those in almost 15 years.
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#4 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 06:43 PM
 
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Good for you!

We're also "every day" people, including nearly every day of my first pregnancy (and 12 hours after contractions had started!) but for some reason this time I have been having a lot of pain and we are now maybe "every week" people. This change has not been easy.

People also assume that because of his age (only 41, but I'm only 25) it won't last: but I disagree. I think it can only get better, but maybe not until after this pregnancy. Now, instead of focusing on what we'd really like, it's just trying to find what won't hurt. And of course, people just LOVE to tell me that when I'm 40 or 50 I'll probably need to find someone else.:

I think not having sex during pregnancy is some of the worst advice a doctor could give, and it is often given arbitrarily. That and the stupid six-weeks-postpartum wait. Who would do that unless they had an episiotomy?!
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#5 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 07:08 PM
 
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"Who would do that unless they had an episiotomy?!"

Me unfortunately : I was in absolutely no mood for sex after either of my pregnancies/births. I waited the requisate 6 weeks and then resumed lovemaking. After ds#1, all was fine, but after ds#2 it hurt for about 6 months after birth. After ds#2 my sex drive went in the toilet and never returned.

I still have not regained by urge to have sex. It really is guided by my hormones. When I am ovulating, I have some urge, but otherwise, I'd rather sleep :LOL I feel really bad and a lot of guilt, but I cannot MAKE myself feel something I don't. I sometimes relent and "just do it", and I get "satisfaction", but it is not something that I am likely to initiate anymore (much to dh's dissapointment). I do wish that it was different and that I had a small piece of what other post-kid couples have. I working on it

Mama to three small people; wife to one big person; pet-person to cats and dogs..."Be the change you want to see in the world"-- Gandhi
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#6 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 09:32 PM
 
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OK...I guess some women just don't feel like it. Who knows, maybe that will happen to me! Of course, I don't think women should have sex when they don't feel like it.

I think a sexuality forum would be good, because sometimes I have "embarassing" questions and need a place to go!
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#7 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 09:59 PM
 
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You mean Briss hasnt posted yet?

I like sex and we have it about 3 times a week. I defintely felt super sexy when pregnant and enjoyed sex very much during that special time.

As much as i enjoy it, i cant say i was chomping at the bit to have sex when my kids were newborns. I was exhausted, sore and nursing constantly, the thought of another person touching me was too much to bear. this didnt last long.

I think sex is important to a relationship, for me its something only we can do together, and reminds us that we are a romantic couple and not just parents.
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#8 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 10:11 PM
 
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Quote:
You mean Briss hasnt posted yet?
Is that an invitation... to post, I mean?

Sex is my religion, and Marg is my church... I try to worship in my church as often as possible.

I can't ever seem to get enough though, so sometimes I have to engage in self abuse practices that other members here have described as vile.
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#9 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 10:20 PM
 
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Sex is my religion, and Marg is my church... I try to worship in my church as often as possible.
:LOL Good one!
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#10 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 10:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Arduinna
well, I wouldn't mind talking about it but we don't have a sexuality forum and almost all topics of this nature are removed for not being " family friendly". Seems we are only allowed to talk about it as it relates to pregnancy and postpartum recovery. So that leaves me out as I haven't been either of those in almost 15 years.
Since when? I haven't been here that long, but I would be surprised if a thread like this was removed for not being 'family friendly'. That would be downright fascist. Sex is very family friendly, as we all know.
I mean, I could see if it got really explicit and orgiestic, maybe someone would get concerned...but that's not going to happen here, is it?
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#11 of 31 Old 01-05-2004, 11:31 PM
 
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For me, in this marriage (first marriage was a different matter,) sex is an integral part of our relationship. I love my husband as a person, of course, apart from his sexual nature, just like I love my brother or my best friend. But I also am very attracted to him, and it feels to me like my bond to him is strengthened when we are together sexually.

It is a very happy thing for me.
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#12 of 31 Old 01-06-2004, 01:14 AM
 
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*Sigh* I miss sex. It isn't happening with ds so small and such a nurse-a-holic... Dh and I used to have an active and happy sex life, but I have no intrest now, and it still is ouchy when we have intercourse, and then the no time issue just makes it really difficult. I know it will get better, but its hard when you're in the middle of mising nooky!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#13 of 31 Old 01-06-2004, 11:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by WahPuhKahLoo
Since when? I haven't been here that long, but I would be surprised if a thread like this was removed for not being 'family friendly'. That would be downright fascist. Sex is very family friendly, as we all know.
I mean, I could see if it got really explicit and orgiestic, maybe someone would get concerned...but that's not going to happen here, is it?
For as long as I can remember, here is a link to a new thread where CM has answered the question

http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...hreadid=107315
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#14 of 31 Old 01-06-2004, 11:14 AM
 
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Well, honestly?
I don't know why I even bother getting horny. I hate sex. I like the thought of it, but since I have NO pleasure at all with it, it is a real waste of time. Maybe if my body would work right, it would be fun.
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#15 of 31 Old 01-06-2004, 12:01 PM
 
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Pre-pregnancy, we had an incredible sex life. Goodness, it was like the honeymoon never ended (even though we were down to once every 2 days or so)...so when we started trying to conceive and made time every day for each other (nudge-nudge, wink-wink), let's just say that neither of us complained!

Pregnancy was incredible...I have never felt more sensual in my life! And that spilled over into our sex life in such wonderful ways!

Now post-pregnancy, the first 2 months it was like my sex drive was kicked into high gear (even though we went without for the first four weeks since I'd torn and it HURT!). After 2 months, and it's waaay down. I think it'd help if I had a few more breaks here and there from DD (who I'm usually with 24/7) to concentrate a little more on myself and reclaim my sexuality. Hmmm, maybe if I told DH he'd get more nooky, he'd want to take care of DD more often! :LOL

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#16 of 31 Old 01-06-2004, 01:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Arduinna
For as long as I can remember, here is a link to a new thread where CM has answered the question

http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...hreadid=107315
I checked out the link.
it was good to have those guidelines defined, and it seems that this thread here fits within those guideline as there is no explicit sex talk here. It doesn't relate to TTC or post-partum specifically, but relates very much to Parents as Partners.

We'll see what happens.

Carry, on carry on....
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#17 of 31 Old 01-06-2004, 08:27 PM
 
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helppppppppppppp
my hubby does not want to have sex since laina was born (4.5 months ago!)
we are in love
we have our problems sometimes but have a pretty good realtionship.
i don't know what the deal is...i have tried to talk to him, come on to him, give him time etc...
but i have been having amazing sex dreams everynight!!! and even wake up having an orgasam....
i even day dream non stop about it.....
i really miss it, and i know it will be different but i don't know how to get him to try...
i think he is afraid of hurting me? or of getting preg again...we are relatively young (me 24 and him 30) but we are pretty broke and can't afford another preg...
advice please!
ps he had a very very conservative religious upbringing...sometimes i think that has something to do with it.
i hope it is not my new identity as a mother that "turns him off"
we are so dedicated to laina and love being parents.
she even cosleeps between us in bed so that both of us can snuggle her at night.
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#18 of 31 Old 01-06-2004, 11:32 PM
 
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Hey justice, u wanna trade husbands? ONLY KIDDING!!!! It's just that mine doesn't stop---A 4 month break would be great....
Ugh. I totally needed this post here. because it's become such an Issue with a capital I...After 2 yrs (still nursing) I get the desire back every so often...but get this--now dh is ALWAYS after oral sex---more to me than from me, tho which is weird...I was just wondering if anyone has been through this...I feel so much pressure! and guilt! but I don't wanna do it if I'm not into it, too! It's such a catch.22...I guess Briss doesn't have this problem tho' better to give than receive lol that's a good one...
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#19 of 31 Old 01-07-2004, 12:14 AM
 
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We have never had a very active sex life as far as *quanity* goes - but when we do the *quality* is great!!!! So neither of us mind if it is sporadic...

After the birth of my kids we waited a LONG LONG time - 5 months with the first and almost 8 months with the second! After my second I was TERRIFIED of getting pg again and against using artificial bc.....so none it was....but it did not put any type of hamper on our marriage, DH was very sweet to wait for when I was ready.

Grace - photographer, wife and mom to 4 great kids (Ethan 5.00, Ainsley 4.02, Owen 12.04, and Ellis Ann 10.07) :
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#20 of 31 Old 01-07-2004, 12:15 AM
 
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For some reason, during this pregnancy I have not found (receiving) oral sex that enjoyable. I don't know why that is...all I can say is it seems weird now.:
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#21 of 31 Old 01-07-2004, 09:24 PM
 
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now dh is ALWAYS after oral sex---more to me than from me, tho which is weird...
Honey always tastes better straight from the pot...
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#22 of 31 Old 01-08-2004, 03:57 AM
 
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Originally posted by Graceoc
We have never had a very active sex life as far as *quanity* goes - but when we do the *quality* is great!!!! So neither of us mind if it is sporadic...

After the birth of my kids we waited a LONG LONG time - 5 months with the first and almost 8 months with the second! After my second I was TERRIFIED of getting pg again and against using artificial bc.....so none it was....but it did not put any type of hamper on our marriage, DH was very sweet to wait for when I was ready.
This is all true for us too! We don't get to very often (2 to 3 times a month) but quality is always great! My hubby's crazy work schedule doesn't favor a more active sex life. But he doesn't ever complain and we enjoy it when it happens.

HB, you made me think of something funny a friend of mine told me, but I can't post it or this thread *will* get removed! :LOL
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#23 of 31 Old 01-09-2004, 02:55 AM
 
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HB, you made me think of something funny a friend of mine told me, but I can't post it or this thread *will* get removed!
Of course you could always PM me with that bit...
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#24 of 31 Old 01-11-2004, 03:47 AM
 
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She [Peggy] also clarified what she is prepared to host here: sexual issues in relation to parenting, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and conception.
That seems to cover everything being discussed here. And there has been nothing graphic, beyond some sexy jokes.

I like sex way more than I used to. Sex was fine when we got married. I'm manic depressive, so I liked it a lot when I was manic, and didn't want it at all when I was depressed. Then we had baby #1 and I lost all libido. I had a lot of uptight, guilty thoughts about sex and couldn't put it in a healthy perspective. I had an episiotomy (and tore more on top of that), and was just scared to have sex after that. When the ubiquitous 6 weeks was up, I was no where near ready to have sex. Honestly, I would have been happy to never have sex again. Really, I wonder if we had some sort of societal norm where it's expected that mothers are off limits for 3 to 6 months post partum, I wonder if I would have healed faster emotionally. It ended up being 7 months before we had intercourse. In the mean time, I got pretty tired of strapping on the knee pads... :LOL

Catch 22 is right on. I hated the pressure. And dh hated the guilt. He says he felt like a jerk for wanting to have sex with me after a while, since it was so clear I didn't want to. And of course he wondered what he was doing wrong, why I was rejecting him.

When dd was maybe 2 y.o. I started listening to a radio talk show host who isn't very popular with some folks here. Well, she has a really positive, healthy perspective on sex. She's all for it, very enthusiastic. I started to get from her that not only is it ok for me to have sex, it's normal and I should even expect to enjoy it! She recommended this book, Kosher Sex , by some rabbi. I read it and it was like a revelation. Truely, you mean there is a time and place for sex? It's with my husband? Even I have a sexual side of me? And it's nothing to be ashamed of?? Nothing to feel guilty about? Not all sex is bad, dirty, evil? It's not all about men oppressing women? That's what my dear, dear mother's brand of feminism, and her emotional baggage, did to me. (Not, NOT starting the debate about the feminist word here.)

That was 6 years ago. I've been slowly healing, and can proudly say I always enjoy sex, have an orgasm at least once a month, if not many more times (sometimes the depression puts a damper on things) and when we have utilitarian sex it's still affectionate and pleasant. Our marriage is in 100% better shape than it was when we first got married, though we didn't think it was bad then.

I'd say our healthy sex relationship is very important to our marriage. And I feel like a whole woman.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#25 of 31 Old 01-11-2004, 02:32 PM
 
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When I was 10 I found a book called "Making Love During Pregnancy" and read it. It had drawings, not photos, and some showed penetration. It completely changed my view of pregnant women - at first I thought they were grouchy, nonsexual, always miserable people. And no, it didn't make me want to go have sex!: I think it was a very good thing to see.
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#26 of 31 Old 01-11-2004, 02:55 PM
 
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My husband and I are regular horn dogs.

We do the actually act about twice a week. But through out the week do things to tease and get each other off.

We send dirty text messages to each other. We send sweet nothings to each other.

We do sex acts solely for the others person’s pleasure.

Sex is not all about vagina penetration (Even though for me that is great!).

Sending a text message about the new bra you picked up. How it has roses on in and very pretty can be a major turn on for the both of you. Going out and buying a sex bra just for you has added benefits.

The only problem I have now is I leak during sex, my bladder is not what it use to be and Kegals only improve so much.
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#27 of 31 Old 01-12-2004, 01:04 PM
 
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My libido is finally coming back after having Avery, which is good in a way, since it took a lot longer to come back after Jarod, but also bad since we never have the time or energy to do anything about it.

We're still trying to figure out how to work a little action in between taking care of 2 kids. Last night, we were both up until 1am waiting for our 3 year old to go to sleep and our 6 month old to stay asleep so we could have some alone time. It turned into a big tease and we finally gave up. I got up early this morning and woke him up while the kids were still sleeping.

I really miss being able to take our time and enjoy each other. My MIL likes to get Jarod for the weekend every now and then, usually every 2 or 3 weeks, so that used to be our time, but she can't take Avery with them yet since he is still attached to the boobs. We usually wind up with a quickie since we have to worry about the babe waking up at the wrong time, and I can handle a quickie now and then, but, dammit, I'd really like a little more sometimes!! Like most of the women I know, I need a little warming up before hand to fully enjoy myself. I guess what I'm saying is, I miss foreplay!!!!
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#28 of 31 Old 01-19-2004, 02:50 PM
 
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what i'd like to know is, do you find yourselves settling into routine sex? is it good enough just the way it is? do you find it gets more 'adventurous'?
after almost 11 years, we are still so into each other sexually. this minute i'm feeling guilty about falling asleep last night, it's our 'free' week(no condoms week before period), and the kids were in bed(dd in ours), we were both awake but so exhausted!! i hate to miss a free night but i may attack him when he gets home from work. the rest of the month i downright turn it down because i just do not want to risk getting pregnant, both ds's were broken condoms. but we manage 2-3 careful times a week at least.
we are in really close quarters here, i am always worried about the 3 kids hearing us.... so that definetly changes how we have sex after kids(quietly!).... my pregnancies were no hinderance or boost to our sex lives, but i did feel sexy with my swollen tummy and boobies, and not sexy while healing from tearing.
our routine is that i cant finish till he does, thats just the way its always been, i am not as quick as he is; he tries to change that occassionally, but it doesnt work. after i often go without because we both just pass out.
we are very set in our ways about some things.
but he still gives me that look or touch that lets me know he wants me; and i so want him, especially after watching him bang away on the drums, or cook up a storm, or whatever!!
i dont see things ever going downhill, we are both very sexual people. i like the monogamous monotiny of it. i look forward to watching our bodies grow old together. i cant imagine ever having to get this close to anyone else ever again... i am so happy with our level of intimacy. without this we never would have lasted. and couldnt last. if we go a couple of weeks without, he gets very stressed and accusing, but luckily that doesnt happen often, and is usually due to sheer exhaustion not my lack of wanting.

we would love to go away alone, which wont happen for a long time, and rediscover each other, be loud if we want to , etc. try to break some of the routine!
foreplay? whats that???LOL
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#29 of 31 Old 01-20-2004, 03:38 AM
 
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Just adding my experience here. We had to curtail our sexual activity during 3rd trimester and then an anterior tear during birthing created too much pain to be interested for about a year. And now we seem to be in a relationship crisis. I'm very sad tonight. I wish I could say how we did it all the time, but I don't feel like it.

Ann
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#30 of 31 Old 01-27-2004, 08:29 PM
 
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For us, it's a matter of time and interest coming together. We are both interested but just at different times, and often just going to sleep is preferable to waiting for the kids to fall asleep then getting back up again. (We co-sleep with a 4 yr old and 2 yr old that still bfs before sleep and upon awakening.) We both get lots of hugs and cuddles during a day from our boys, but I think our hunger for each other is needing attention.

I'd love to hear some ideas of finding timing and creating interest that works for folks that co-sleep. I know this isn't a permanent state of affairs, and soon enough we will have our own bed and own room, but we're both hungry for ideas now! (I think we both remember how much fun we had during our pregnancies with my changing body...wish I could feel that voluptuous again without necessarily producing a new life - guess that's the bargain you get and nature's way of wanting you to reproduce again!)

Here's one idea I did: I created a date night with a small circle of friends with kids of similar ages (from our preschool). Twice a month (about every other week), one set of parents takes all 9 kids for 3 hours. The rest of us have date night where we are just supposed to spend it with each other. My dh and I have watched movies, but that generally lights up my mommy brain with ideas, not passion (though would love some suggestions of films with suggestive but respectful scenes of affection).
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