Violent “Gamer” spouses? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 02-06-2004, 09:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Does anyone have a partner that plays violent computer games? It depresses me that I do. Help.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#2 of 25 Old 02-06-2004, 09:17 PM
 
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Yep! I've done everything I can do to get him to stop. He says it allows him to get out his frustration from the day, and I guess in some respects it does. We cut out the DSL/Broadband and now have a modem, which I guess really makes it hard to do these multi person games, but he STILL persists. ::sigh:: I sympathize with you, but I don't have any advice.... sorry

Rachel
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#3 of 25 Old 02-06-2004, 10:30 PM
 
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Yep, mine does. It bothers me that he enjoys shooting and killing, but there is not much I can do about it. Although the few times he has let our son watch (now 2years) I have got really angry at him, and now he knows better.
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#4 of 25 Old 02-06-2004, 11:54 PM
 
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Mine does but I don't see the problem with it. I like shoot em up and horror movies too, so I guess I'm just as bad.

By the way, the thread title sounds as if the spouse is violent, not the game. Mine certainly is not.
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#5 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 12:03 AM
 
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My DH is actually in the video game industry.....so he plays everything, including the shooter games.

I flat out banned them in my house. Period. The only exception for him is if we are out of town he may rent them. I don't mean to sound like a howling banshee wife but there are a few things that are totally non-compromise things with me, and thats one of them. No shooter games. Period.

I'm lucky...my DH is so open to listening to me and really respects what I say and how I feel about this, especially since our only kid right now is so small. I know discussions will be different when out kids are older, but for now he understands why I feel so strongly about it and respects that. He gets enough of those games at work and with his friends, so I don't think it was that unreasonable of me.

I now have to deal with him staying up till 3am playing the RPG's....oh well. :
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#6 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 02:52 AM
 
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Mine plays all kinds of RPGs and stuff and my 4 year old will sometimes come in and watch him. Argh.
I have not had any success in the past year convincing him he should play more kid-friendly games. It all goes in one ear and out the other because he's tuning me out while he's playing a game. :
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#7 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 04:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband is not violent in the “real world”. I want to be 1,0000% clear about that. Thanks and thanks for the commiseration.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#8 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 01:27 PM
 
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It use to bother me, but now I'm over it. He does not play in front of the kiddos. as long as he's respectful I can live with that.

BTW, Halo 2 comes out this Spring. Look out!
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#9 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 01:51 PM
 
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My dh is a gaming freak and he does play the "violent" games but as long as my kids don't see it (and they don't) I could not care less what he plays. It doesn't bother me at all that he enjoys them, when played by mature adults they are just games. He loves to play and I think it's kind of cute that he still loves video games. We're in total agreement about the types of games suitable for kids so it's not an issue around here.

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#10 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 02:05 PM
 
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Ugh... my DH plays Vice City. This game has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. It is dehumanizing, IMO. He says the same thing, that it helps him release stress. I have to wonder about his state of mind when blowing away innocent bystanders helps him relax, but he's a grown man and as long as Cole doesn't see it, I guess it's OK. It does bother me, though. He's a gentle, nonviolent person IRL too. I seriously don't get why this game appeals to him.
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#11 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 02:20 PM
 
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there are some games he has to play in "isolation" (back in an office with a closed door), and a few he can do on the xbox with kids around (but rarely). what bothers me is not so much the gore (though i do make it clear that he CANNOT play those around the kids, period)... it's that he just disappears from our lives for hours, sometimes days, at a time.

i'd feel badly if he was doing this with a book, or a TV show, or at a bar... it's not just the gaming, it's the "checking out" from the rest of the family.

we talk about it when it gets to a level that i'm really feeling ignored or left to take care of the house all by myself for too long. he really does make an effort for a while after i bring it up, but he usually slips back into it eventually.

it's an ongoing discussion here. no long-term solution, but we love each other and try hard to listen and respond respectfully, even if we don't agree on things. we have a new baby on the way, so i'm hoping that will jar him from his old bachelor habits. we'll see!

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#12 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 02:20 PM
 
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AAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!

My DH plays EverQuest, which isn't terribly violent (no guns) but is totally addictive.

It's role-playing fantasy stuff, wizards and magicians and elves, etc.

I've played it ( ) and while it is entertaining, it's horribly time-consuming.

BB (before baby) he could easy waste an entire weekend playing EQ. He'd get up early and start playing, run to the kitchen to grab some food, take a potty break every so often. Sometimes he wouldn't even shower until Sunday night!

His EQ time has been curbed greatly so I don't really mind anymore, but once DD is older I don't want him doing it so much. I don't want her to be a game freak. :LOL
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#13 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 02:30 PM
 
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Moving this to Parents as Partners...
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#14 of 25 Old 02-07-2004, 03:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much, everyone. I actually feel much better knowing that there are other good, functional families out there with “gamers” in them. I’m actually rather embarrassed by the games DH plays and the time he expends on them. It helps to know I’m not the only one having to deal with this.

What started this thread was that DH put a “gamer guy with a gun” on our mail server and I had to look at it every time I wanted to check mail. I went absolutely crazy over it. I even had to apologize to DH because I felt that I had over reacted (a touch). I was this ()close to e-mailing all 100 people in my address book with a change of e-mail address and calling DH a geek to our family and closest friends.

And, yea…what’s up with blowing away people supposedly helping people to unwind? I don’t get it.

AND, I do see a difference between this kind of “fantasy” violence and violence in other media. I know it is fantasy and fantasy is a weird thing (…I have some too ) BUT…WTF are they thinking about when they are playing? Oh, and don’t get me started on the juvenile messages from the other players.

The time is another huge issue for us, which has nothing to do with the quality of the games. The time is probably the biggest issue actually. Those things just suck time out of the day (unlike MDC, LOL!). My DH spends lots of time actually playing the games and then another big chuck of time researching them.

For those of you who have found solutions to this issue, could you share how you did it? I would love to ban them from our house but I don’t think that will work (‘m willing to try) but I would like to DH to limit it some more.

My DH does this thing about these games where he says that, “I knew this about him when we met” so I should just deal. It’s actually not quite this harsh but it seems to be a “non-negotiable” sometimes and I don’t know how to approach him sensitively so that we can have a good dialogue about it and reach some compromises.

In some ways the computer and, especially, the games are DH’s passion. It is his hobby and his career. I hate that I feel so negatively towards it but I can’t help myself. I feel like I could respect another computer related hobby like digital imaging stuff…something more creative…less tune in-drop out,-kill stuff, kwim?

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#15 of 25 Old 02-08-2004, 12:28 AM
 
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My DH also plays Everquest. He and some of our coworkers (we work together) play every Tuesday night.

I don't really mind it, but only because I limit his playing time. He could easily play all weekend but I just don't allow it.

He plays Tuesday nights after DS and I go to bed (sometimes other week nights after I am asleep) and weekend mornings before DS and I get up.

I am know as the B%$#@h at work because of it, but I don't really care.

I can sympathize with your situation! Apparently there is a website for women who have "lost" their husbands to Everquest!:LOL

Melissa
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#16 of 25 Old 02-08-2004, 04:59 AM
 
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ah, yes, "evercrack!"

guess i should count my blessings...

k
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#17 of 25 Old 02-08-2004, 04:28 PM
 
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So many of you have a problem with the time spent on playing the game. I wonder if this is more the issue than the actual content?

I read a book called Children Are From Heaven, it's by the same guy who wrote Women Are From Mars Men Are From Venus. Anyway, the best thing that I got out the book is the difference between men and women, and boys and girls when it comes to dealing with the stress of our day.

Women and girls want to go through the entire situation. We want to talk about what she said that bothered us, and what we should have said back, but instead we were nice and said this instead. We like to relive it. I hope you can follow me.

Men and boys don't want to talk about there day. They want to forget about it. They want to watch tv, play a game, color a picture, anything that will just help them to forget about it.

ITA with the author. When something stressful happens in my life the first thing I want to do is pick up the phone and dial a friend. My ds tells me I need to get a spy camera and connect it to his shirt so that I know what goes on and don't have to ask him about it. Could we please just play a game of chess instead? My dh never relates his conversations with his mother very well. I want the word for word conversation. He sums it up in two sentences. He tells me he just needs to tape record the conversation so we don't have to talk about it.

Gaming is an outlet and I can respect that. However, you can not hide from the family, world, chores , responsibilities all the time. We have had issues in the past about the time spent on gaming. Thankfully we have had no issues in years now.

In our house it's like this. Work first, play later. Once we have taken care of our responsibilities for the day, the boys are either asleep or away, he can play as much as he wants. He never plays more than an hour a day. I can not complain. BTW, one thing I've learned is the less I nag about time spent with me the more time he wants to spend with me.
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#18 of 25 Old 02-11-2004, 12:10 AM
 
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we've gone through this a couple of times- but with Mechwarrior and some other game (thankfully not this Everquest thing). I tried to be understanding, but as someone said, it became a time issue. when he wasn't working, he was gaming. Before dd, we obviously had a bit more leisure time on our hands so it didn't cut into our relationship too much; but after, I just felt like there was no place for it if we were home. to me, life is too short and unpredictable to be spending home-time gaming if instead he could be hanign out with me, or dd, or helping with dishes, etc... Thankfully, dh comes to this realization himself after only some mild nagging on my part and the games go away. I think it needs to be treated seriously *if* its a serious bother (sounds like its no biggie to some). Because it is an escape and if you feel that isn't working well for the family, by all means, it needs to be dealt with. Likewise, I would expect the same if I was neglecting my family/household to MDC!

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#19 of 25 Old 02-11-2004, 11:04 AM
 
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I am the gamer in the house. Who do you think got the blame when DS started "swording the bad guys?" :LOL Even my username is from "The Legend of Zelda."

I work hard. So does DH. I find it hard to cultivate meaningful relationships with "real people" because my focus is on my family, and we all know that it is a challenge to find time for anything other than work/family responsibilies. I don't smoke, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't over eat. I don't even watch tv as we do not have cable. Video games are my *one* weakness. DH has often remarked to me "I am SO THANKFUL that you never got into EverQuest." I can certainly understand the frustration and exasperation that results from seeing your dear partner getting totally lost in the fantasy realm. For some people like myself, it is the perfect drug.

It is a family issue to be sure. It is hard to have private time for anything in a marriage because we are constantly called on to justify ourselves and the "fixes" we feel we need and deserve. If things are being seriously neglected then it is time for a system reboot. But for the most part, gaming is a good thing. Having said that I support people 100% when they do not want their children witnessing the violent acts apparently being committed by their father (or mother, in my case).
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#20 of 25 Old 02-12-2004, 07:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Forest Sage, I have heard that there are women gamers but I’ve never had the pleasure, lol. Could I pick your brain?

What’s the deal? Why do you like them? What do you get out of it? I honestly don’t get it and DH can’t explain it.

With the violent games, I especially don’t get it. I’ve asked DH why he can’t play games that exercise the same skills w/o killing and he kind of freezes up. How does the killing component enhance the game? What are you thinking about when you play?

Please don’t take offence to this. I’m MARRIED to someone who does this and I love and respect him. I just don’t understand. I figure I may get a better answer out of a woman!

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#21 of 25 Old 02-14-2004, 04:01 PM
 
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I did. But, I think he grew out of it. He is 28 this year about to be 29 and gave it up about a year ago. I know he has a few 'friends' who are still addicted to it.

And yes, I consider it an addiction!

It was so annoying when we were going through it!!!

His was Half-Life - HATE THAT STUPID GAME!!
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#22 of 25 Old 02-14-2004, 05:04 PM
 
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Ok, time for me to fess up. 5 years ago, I was a Quake2 player. I had my own clan, competed in matches and ladders. I met my future husband online, he joined my clan! After about a year of him in my clan and talking to him, he flew from TN to DE to meet me. We got married 1 month later (no I wasn't pregnant!).

So now it's 5 years later, and we both still love playing games. We've been through EQ, DAoC, and SWG together. Those games are great, however, with dd, its just too time consuming. He has an xbox, which he plays all sorts of stuff, none of it really interests me except Tetris which he got me for Xmas.

Both of us are playing the new Unreal 2004 demo that was just released, we are having tons of fun! My dd plays various games on the laptop, like Blues Clues, Dr. Seuss, etc. She been an expert with the mouse (thumbwheel) since she was 2 years old. She knows how to play all of her games, open and close the programs, type in her name.

No problems with violent games here, we just have to remind each other not to play them when dd is around.
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#23 of 25 Old 02-15-2004, 11:01 AM
 
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Thanks for this thread, mamas. It's good to feel less alone. I could relate to many of your posts, & for me this is just one of many aspects of my life/marriage that I'm utterly discouraged about. Dh is sort of self employed (also depressed & often sick) so he doesn't have somewhere to get up & be, even, so who the he** knows what he does all night. But these games are a part of it (OMG for whoever mentioned HalfLife2... this game's release is looming in my life like meteor about to hit, lol!).

The thing is, for me I know that there are so many other issues about why he dislikes his life so much he always feels a need to escape it. The violent games are disgusting to me - for heaven's sake we are peace activists. I just don't get it. But worse is the amount of time he gives to it & the activities we aren't doing together as a result.

*sigh* anyway, thanks for the chance to vent.

mb

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#24 of 25 Old 02-16-2004, 12:01 AM
 
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So many wives don't understand the attraction to violent games. my advice is PLAY IT ONCE AND YOU'LL SEE!! I tried Halo. My heart started to race. All of my sences were acute. It felt real. I HATED it. I don't like to feel that warrior rush kick in. That is the appeal. The rush. No thanks, not for me. The violent gaming has nothing to do with violence.

My theroy is that you can get a rush many other ways. Exercise, sex. These are healthy ways to get a good rush. I guess I just see gaming as unproductive.

Amandasmom- Did I get it right? Trying to describe the appeal? Also, I bet your dh buds envy him for having a gamer wife.
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#25 of 25 Old 02-16-2004, 11:10 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by IdentityCrisisMama
Forest Sage, I have heard that there are women gamers but I’ve never had the pleasure, lol. Could I pick your brain?

What’s the deal? Why do you like them? What do you get out of it? I honestly don’t get it and DH can’t explain it.

With the violent games, I especially don’t get it. I’ve asked DH why he can’t play games that exercise the same skills w/o killing and he kind of freezes up. How does the killing component enhance the game? What are you thinking about when you play?

Please don’t take offence to this. I’m MARRIED to someone who does this and I love and respect him. I just don’t understand. I figure I may get a better answer out of a woman!
No problemo, IdentityCrisisMama! No offence taken!
I like them because I consider them a high form of art and entertainment. It gives me a sense of accomplishment (whether or not one agrees with me is moot, how I measure my sense of accomplishment is going to be different from someone else's). I once butted heads with my aunt because I told her once that "riding" a horse in a game was "just like the real thing." Let's just say we didn't meet eye to eye Of course it's not like really riding a horse. But the point is, is that our lives are restricted in a sense, and gaming is an appropriate out. As for what I get out of it, the feeling that I have mastered something that is challenging and interesting TO ME is what I get out of it. Not to mention feeling like I'm "at home" in a world where I don't feel insecure, lonely or like the oddball that I am. See, I used to ride horseback, but the physical toll it would take on my body was atrocious. I like my brain stimulated instead.
If I was neglecting my DH or my job or caring for my kids there would be a huge problem, but if things are kept in check then I think gaming is healthy. I can't speak to the ultraviolent games that saturate the market now because I don't like them. I prefer RPG/Fantasy. There's killing in those kinds of games too. I like taking down the bad guys. It gives me a sense of adventure.
BTW I have no aspirations to play EverQuest ~ I know enough about myself and my limits to know that I should avoid that which will enslave me.
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