need to reconnect... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 03-07-2004, 10:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok this is sort of a long story here. I am in the National Guard (please no morality judgements on that; I do what I feel I must do). In January of last year they called me up and shipped me to Iraq (thats where I am right now). In the course of three days I had to pull out of nursing school, get my husband ready to be a single dad, and oooh, yeah, my daughter was still nursing (8mo.) So I left behind an 8mo and a 6 yo and am coming back to an almost 2 yr old and an 8 yr old. Not only that, but aside from a two week leave, I havent seen my husband in over a year. In that time we have also bought a house.

The thing is I am feeling very disconnected from hubby. I love him, I know that, but I at the same time I think that if he packed up my stuff and moved me out (which he admited to considering when I "pushed" him into buying the house on his own) I wouldnt really miss him all that much. I am supposed to go home in April, and I find I am more scared to go home than anything else. To top it off, we are having financial disagreements and when I leave active duty I go back to having no income whatsoever.

So there is lots of stress an seperation and I just have no idea how to deal with all of it. Does anyone have any ideas other than the main-stream dont-address-the-root-of-the-problem crap the Army and the media see fit to feed me (take a vacation with just your spouse, get back to work asap etc)? When I got home on leave in January I was so unused to contact that it was three days before I felt comfortable being touched! This from a former world-class hugger!!!!

I just want to talk to other wives and moms ( I am one of only two married females in our unit) and see if someone has ideas for me. Thanks.
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#2 of 15 Old 03-08-2004, 02:56 AM
 
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I have to admit that I feel sad for your 2 young children. Not seeing their mother for 2 yrs must have hurt them deeply. You'll have to gradually reconnect with them as well as your husband. Honesty is the best policy here, I think. Just be very open and honest about your feelings with your husband. You may have to get to know eachother all over again. I'm sure both of you have changed to some capacity. It may even be quite a romantic venture--discovering eachother all over again. Perhaps family couseling is something you might try.
My children and I were separated from my husband for a yr due to house renovations, though there were many visits. We've been back together for 3 months now and we've had very little physical contact (but then there wasn't all that much affection before I moved out either). Hey, if the quality of the relationship is basically good, you'll probably find your way back to the way things used to be (or maybe even better).
As far as the finances go--maybe it wouldn 't be such a bad idea to get a part time job or something. You don't need another issue of contention to come between you two.
Welcome back!
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#3 of 15 Old 03-08-2004, 04:42 AM
 
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Hugs.

May I suggest you make NO decisions to do anything for quite a bit of time. IMO you definitely need to reconnect. And I know you think it is you needing to reconnect with husband. And with children. But you also need to reconnect to you...mom...you..wife.. you..you. And the others.

My guess is that you might be very nervous about this reunion, that seems perfectly understandable.

Is there a support group for military moms whom you can join when you get back?
Even if it is just one other friend from the national guard.

take time. take good care of yourself. Watch any short fuses... COUNT TO TEN on anything.

No talk of separation or anything like that. Find yourself.

hugs.

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#4 of 15 Old 03-08-2004, 02:41 PM
 
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Hi I posted on another thread that I'm from Kato too.Email if you want.I have a cousin in Kuwait (almost home and another that is on leave just returned from Iraq last week and will be stationed in Fort Campell,KY after said leave. My hubby has a cousin in Iraq also. My dad was in the Mankato National Guard for 25-26 before he retired. We are proud that you have made this sacrifice for our country and thanks!
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#5 of 15 Old 03-13-2004, 07:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for all the advise...dont get me wrong, I love him very much, we just both feel very distant right now. I talked to him about it and he is in pretty much the same boat....soooo the plan we came up with is that we are going to "date" when I get home. I mean, obviously we live together, but we are going to take the everyday married people stuff slow, and try to spend time together and do the stuff we did when we were dating...biking, hiking, long walks, that sort of thing (can you tell we both made minimum wage when we met?) and we are going to be sure to remember why we started this whole thing in the first place. I will say, it was sooooo scary to talk to him about this. I was afraid we were too tired from everything to put the effort, or maybe I was the only one feeling like this. I think we will be ok...
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#6 of 15 Old 03-14-2004, 04:15 AM
 
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sounds like a good plan to me! Are you in the same unit with John Mcguire and Tony Murrilla?
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#7 of 15 Old 03-14-2004, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No, I am in the 1133rd Trans out of Mason City,IA. Its been a busy rough year.
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#8 of 15 Old 03-14-2004, 03:13 PM
 
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No advice . . .it sounds like you're in a situation that would be hard for anyone, and you and DH seem to be taking steps in the right direction.

The real purpose of this post, however, is to thank you. Nope, I don't agree with the war, but I DEFINITELY support people like you who make such extreme sacrifices . . .you have my heartfelt thanks.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#9 of 15 Old 03-14-2004, 10:44 PM
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#10 of 15 Old 04-17-2004, 06:39 PM
 
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I just read your story for the first time and my heart really goes out to you. I can imagine why you're feeling disconnected from hubby. You are making a tremendous sacrifice and are under a huge amount of stress aside from the issues in your family. Keep in mind how hard you are working and try to keep faith that your children will be fine and your marriage will survive and when you get home you can work through what ever needs to be done to keep it all together. When you get home it may be some time before a feeling of normalcy returns, but it can. I don't think any advice I could conjure up right now would really matter. Just try to keep a positive, faithful attitude that it will be alright in the end. It must be very frustrating being so far away.

I am so saddened by the events in Iraq and want our troops home where they're safe and especially the precious mothers who are so important. Please take good care of yourself. Praying for you all.
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#11 of 15 Old 04-21-2004, 11:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, I am back home and it is nothing like I thought....

Well Its alot like I never left...how weird is that? I dont feel distant around him...the kids are bigger and we are in a new house but thats it....

nothing seems to have changed between us....so yeah I am confused by this but happy too!
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#12 of 15 Old 04-22-2004, 12:07 AM
 
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Yeah !!! Welcome home! We are going to story hour at the library tomorrow! Post back or pm me if you are interested. I'm so glad the adjustment to home is going so well. My cousin Chris just stopped by last night after his month long road trip to get Iraq out of his system... real job and work??: He showed me the pics of his "living quarters" over there this morn and his little apartment is going to seem like a mansion.
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#13 of 15 Old 04-22-2004, 12:12 PM
 
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Welcome Home! Wishing you all the best.
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#14 of 15 Old 04-22-2004, 12:40 PM
 
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WELCOME HOME! And THANK YOU for your service to this country!

I am glad things are going well for you!


Blessings,
Susan
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#15 of 15 Old 04-22-2004, 02:04 PM
 
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That is so great that it's all different than you thought it would be. Wonderful!

I live in the twin city area. My hubby went to college in Mankato.
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