Help me get my libido back! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 03-29-2004, 10:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I had a baby 8 weeks ago and the last time I had sex was to induce labor the day she was born. I have NO interest. I think my dh is handsome, I love him, but I'm so touched out at the end of the day and all I want to do is crash at night and sleep. Poor guy give me hints all day about his desires, caresses me in certain key places and the feeling I get is one of "blech, get your hands off me." His timing is pretty bad though. Like when I'm bent over a sink of dishes he'll wrap his arms around me and caress me and I'm sorry but when I'm doing dishes, or better yet changing a diaper, I'm not in the mood. I actually cringe when he touches me. It's not fair to him, and I know that if I can just get past my inhibitions the first time it may get better after that.

Any ideas or suggestions? Herbs to take? Ways to set the mood when you are tired, touched, out, and there's a baby in the cosleeper (we can't go out of our room because 3yo may wander out and find us- have a small house)?

Thanks,
Darshani

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#2 of 29 Old 03-29-2004, 11:47 PM
 
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Gee, my DS is 2 and I can't find my libido, either. If anyone finds mine while they are looking for Darshani's, can you send it my way? Thanks.
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#3 of 29 Old 03-29-2004, 11:51 PM
 
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Searching for mine too...ds is 71/2 mts!!!!!
Though I'm starting to get certain urges...maybe its found its way back to me??????
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#4 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 12:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You all are a lot of help. Maybe I should get some cheap romance novels to inspire me. :LOL

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#5 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 01:02 AM
 
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When babes are born, they have a love affair with mom, and vice-versa. Sorry, men, you're not part of it. . .
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#6 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 01:04 AM
 
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If you're worried about an 8-week lapse, then I'm in BIG trouble!

I know, I know, you're asking for real advice. And I'm sorry, I just don't have it right now. Just know that you are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE!
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#7 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 01:30 AM
 
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Ignore this advice if it doesn't suit you, but just go do it. It doesn't take very long, and you'll probably like it when you get revved up.
Your husband is a nice guy. I'm sure he'd agree to stop and get dressed and go out to eat or something if you didn't get a groove on.
PS, try a vibrator first to see if you're ready to get going yet...you may not be physically ready, with bfing hormones and birth hormones and such.

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After 4 m/c, our stillheart.gif is here!

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#8 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 02:06 AM
 
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The thing that helped me the most was after ds was born, dh got a bath ready for me (without telling me) and sent me it, kept the kids out, and let me stay in as long as I wanted (and gave me a glass of wine). I got out, got the kids to bed and that's about it.

(The wine really helps me. :LOL )

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#9 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 03:48 AM
 
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while searching for the other libidos, see if mine is hiding somewhere too!!! it's been absent since I was about 20 weeks pg. with my now almost-9-mos old ds! yikes!!!

~Rose~ 

Homeschooling Mom to Two Boys, 13 & 9. rainbow1284.gif Baby Girl Arriving April 2013!

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#10 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 10:52 AM
 
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We ll, i just hosted a sex toy party and the one very popular item that sold out immediately (and the one that FOUR husbands have sent their thanks to me for) is a book called AquaErotica.

It is geared specifically toward women and it is WEATERPROOF!!!!! You can take it in a nice relaxing bath with you and let me tell you, I don't know one woman who was not jumping her hubby's bones after each story.

You can get the accompanying waterproof vibrator too but then you might not need satisfaction from dh afterward:LOL

Good luck!!!!!!!!!
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#11 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 11:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by shelbean91
The thing that helped me the most was after ds was born, dh got a bath ready for me (without telling me) and sent me it, kept the kids out, and let me stay in as long as I wanted (and gave me a glass of wine). I got out, got the kids to bed and that's about it.

(The wine really helps me. :LOL )
Man--I'd probably have sex with your DH after that!! Lucky you.
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#12 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 12:47 PM
 
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I'm thinking that I'm going to be heading over to shelbean's house! My DH needs to remember the time right after our son was born that he just thought I was an amazing creature. THAT kind of respect, awe, even, would inspire a little sexual healing!
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#13 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 01:59 PM
 
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Aw, shucks!! Dh is a pretty good guy. He's done that for me a few times, but he's just using it as a means to an end......whatever, it works, right?:LOL

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#14 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 05:39 PM
 
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I think my libido hit the road while I was pregnant with DS#1. I felt so sexy--gorgeous, even, and had a really really high sex drive. For various reasons, DH didn't seem receptive--I think he was afraid he'd hurt me? Anyway, it made me feel terrible. I never really recovered. Wounded self esteem & pride.

Felt even better & even sexier when pregnant with DS#2, but DH was the same as before, so the wounds just went deeper for me.

Then, with being a full time SAHM, crazy kids, a velcro/nursing toddler---I honestly never even think about sex anymore. I just want to go to bed and let my ears hear nothing for a few hours until the madness begins again the next morning. Couldn't really care less if I ever did it again. Except that DH might mind.
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#15 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 05:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think I'll just go and do it then. I'm very sensitive to alcohol so maybe a glass of wine will help me relax a little. Hopefully dd will go to bed early and little dd will too. I'm tired of being a postpartum virgin!! Maybe the wine will make me feel more excited about it. Wish us luck!

Darshani

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#16 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 05:52 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by QueeTheBean
For various reasons, DH didn't seem receptive--I think he was afraid he'd hurt me? Anyway, it made me feel terrible. I never really recovered. Wounded self esteem & pride.
I hear ya sister. I used to tell dh not to flatter himself thining he'd hurt me -- but I am sure my sarcasm made me even less attrative. He admitted he had a weird mother-"thing" that he couldn't get past. After baby was born, he was back to his usual (still-llow-libido) self. By the time I became pg again, he tried to pull the sexless thing. I told him to get overhimself, I was already a mother and he had no problems getting in bed with me. We managed to resume a sort of normal sex life until the third trimester and then nada.

But like you said, QueetheBean, the wounds are deep and hard to heal. I envy women whose partners worship them during pregnancy. I deserved to be worshipped and I can never reclaim that.
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#17 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 06:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My first pg was mostly sexless because when I finally convinced dh that he couldn't hurt the baby and she wouldn't even be aware of it, she kicked him right in his "manhood" during the act. He didn't touch me again until I begged him to in order to induce labor.

Darshani

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#18 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 09:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by KarmaChameleon
I deserved to be worshipped and I can never reclaim that.
Oh, so eloquently put. That is exactly what I feel. Thanks.
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#19 of 29 Old 03-30-2004, 09:54 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by USAmma
My first pg was mostly sexless because when I finally convinced dh that he couldn't hurt the baby and she wouldn't even be aware of it, she kicked him right in his "manhood" during the act. He didn't touch me again until I begged him to in order to induce labor.

Darshani
I didn't know that was possible! Oh my!

DH did the induction thing, too. It did work--went into labor about 6 hours or so after the deed!

Darshani, your girls are too cute. Oh my goodness! Girls . . . sigh . . .
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#20 of 29 Old 04-01-2004, 01:47 PM
 
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Quote:
We ll, i just hosted a sex toy party and the one very popular item that sold out immediately (and the one that FOUR husbands have sent their thanks to me for) is a book called AquaErotica.
I was at Mandy's (VERY FUN) party and bought the book. Actually I got the second one in the series.

And...it has been VERY inspiring!!!

~Erin
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#21 of 29 Old 04-03-2004, 02:29 PM
 
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Darshani, now that you're not lactating anymore I wouldn't be surprised if your libido comes back very soon. But as long as you're at it can you look around for mine?
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#22 of 29 Old 04-04-2004, 08:40 PM
 
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Hey--now I AM still nursing. Can that really affect your sex drive?
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#23 of 29 Old 04-05-2004, 06:35 PM
 
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I don't know if it is lactating, or nerve damage, or being exhausted, or feeling taken for granted, but I think that I am dead from about the waist down. We are still having sex, but it doesn't do it for me the way it use to. "sigh" maybe when she weans, or stops RCN.
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#24 of 29 Old 04-05-2004, 08:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Still haven't done it. 9 weeks postpartum, baby still waking every 3 hours, and somehow the girls manage to staggar their naps every single day. We don't have any red wine in the house (was going to try that over the weekend) but plan to take a shower together in the hopes that it will relax me. Part of it is I'm just sooo tired and touched out and part of it is me being nervous about the first time after baby. Last time it hurt a lot, but then I didn't get any birth injuries this time so maybe it will be better.

Last night I got them both to bed by 8 PM and went to bed too. Dh got into bed at around 9 or so after I was asleep woke up to his hand groping me and I was sooo mad. I mean, I was asleep for goodness sake! I was actually in REM sleep and dreaming for the first time in ages>I actually said, "Oh Puh-leeze! I'm too tired for that!" and rolled over and went to sleep. I feel kinda bad about it this morning, but dh has no idea. He gets home at 7 PM. Must be nice to focus on his work without interruption all day and still have energy for hanky panky at bedtime.

Darshani

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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#25 of 29 Old 04-05-2004, 08:52 PM
 
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With dd, I had an episotomy, with ds, I had nothing-no cut, no tear. It was much more comfortable after ds was born-not painful at all. With dd, it was a little uncomfortable.

It will happen eventually.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#26 of 29 Old 04-07-2004, 12:42 AM
 
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Quee the Bean - nursing DEFINITELY affects your sex drive. Your hormonal balance is completely different when you are lactating.
I hear that your libido returns when your menstrual cycles do.

My DS is nearly 2 and I still have to force myself to have sex. I've only enjoyed it a handful of times since his birth.

With my 1st, I had no desire the whole time he was nursing and I went on the pill shortly after he weaned. I thought I was frigid!!!
Poor Dh - he had to beg for it for 6 years!

Rainbow.gif ~ Molly
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#27 of 29 Old 04-07-2004, 02:37 PM
 
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I actually just went to see the NP about this a few weeks ago. My libido left when I got pg with my first and never returned. She said it might have been from lactating, (DD weaned right around when I got pg the second time.) or from stress (a whole other story). We did bloodwork to check for hormone imbalances, but I still haven't heard back about the results.

But now I think I have more questions than before. If it's just from lactating, then at least I have an idea of what caused it. But what can you do for a hormonal imbalance? I've always refused the pill because I don't like the idea of taking artifical hormones. And as much as I'd like to have a sex life I'm not going to take them for it.

In the meantime DH is frustrated, and I feel guilty.
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#28 of 29 Old 04-07-2004, 03:21 PM
 
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There are times I don't start out feeling in the mood, but will do it anyway. It usually just takes a while to get the mood going. The thought of doing it isn't appealing in the beginning, but after it's over, I'm thinking 'we should do that more often'. (Sort of the same way I feel about exercise.)

Again, for me, alcohol helps- lessens the inhibitions. Instead of thinking 'well, the baby could wake up' or worrying about the dirty house or things that didn't get done, I think 'whatever' I'm going to enjoy myself and if baby wakes up, we'll take care of baby and get back to business. (The kids rarely take more than a few minutes to get calmed down if they DO wake up, but they usually stay asleep.)

As far as hormone imbalance, I don't know what could be done for that. Maybe you could just plan a night to try it, whether you feel like it at the beginning or not. You might be pleasantly surprised and enjoy yourself.

I'd also like to say- I don't 'just do it' for dh. He's very patient and will wait as long as necessary. I do it for myself and for him.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#29 of 29 Old 04-08-2004, 02:23 AM
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Awww, Darshani, you sound so tired and out of energy. I hope you're taking the best care of yourself that you are able to do. After Meg, we tried at 6wks, but it was way too early. I pushed myself to do it "for our relationship" but I really didn't want to so many times, and I think DH felt that. It was awful. Meg is almost two, and I'm only now starting to find my way out of the baby romance to the one DH and I had before (I'm still bfing every 4hours or so).

Do you like massage? That always helps me if there's anything there to be helped. Don't suggest that it may to lead to anything--just ask for it. And if it relaxes you, then you can always hither-handsome-man, you know? And if not, you get a much-deserved massage!

I remember reading a post from you about how you got him to ease into things, and how that was helping you say 'yes' when you otherwise might not. I've always wondered how you got to that point, of getting him to do that. Maybe the same kind of communication is needed again? (Or maybe you just have an amazing DH....)

Good luck to you!

warmly,
Kam, mamamama! to Meg
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