Men, Don't they realize? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 04-09-2004, 04:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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HMM

I thought i would put this out there.

How do we get men that haven't realized yet, how important our work is at being a SAHM?

Emotionally, mentally, physically, spirtually and so much more is involved with what we do.

There has got to be a way to make men realize how SAHM's are not just sitting on the couch all day and playing with children all day.

Please write your views on how important your job as a SAHM is?

And then all women show these to your husbands even if they already know how hard you work!! I know I will!

Steff

:LOL

edited title.
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#2 of 19 Old 04-09-2004, 05:08 PM
 
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Thankfully my dh knows what a hard job being a SAHM is. However he REALLY got it the first time I was away for the weekend. It is one thing to just BE with the kids and quite another to dress, bathe, feed, heal boo-boos, claen the house, cook the meals and so on!:LOL He was like "Man I knew you worked hard but I never realized that you never get a second to yourself!" AMEN! :LOL


I think being a SAHM is the best and hardest job I could have picked for myself. My former life as a school teacher was nothing compared to the hard, joys and rewards of sharing these moments with my boys. My dh and I always talk about how we will never be able to get these times back, that some day soon the boys aren't going to want us with them all the time. So we truly cherish them now. I know that while we would have more $$ and therefore be able to do more if I worked I would not trade being with my kids for anything

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all
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#3 of 19 Old 04-10-2004, 11:47 AM
 
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I agree, hold a "strike."

Mother's Day is coming up and that seems like the perfect excuse.

Take a day off (maybe except for nursing if you are nursing) and let him handle it all. Best if you could be out of the house!

Intellectually, I knew that my wife had a harder job than myself, but you only really get the point when've just been soiled, dinner is burning, the phone is ringing and there is an alarming "thump" coming from the other room.

When it's all over, be sure to ask how his day was! Do seem sympathetic.
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#4 of 19 Old 04-10-2004, 01:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You know my husband claims he knows what I go through, but he still throws his jabs about it which makes me think he just says he know to humor me.

I would leave them with him but he won't let me. The longest has been 20 min and when I got back he freaked.

He can't do it for more than 20 min, but still throws those certain annoying comments at me.

He said "When they Get Older I will do more".

I WILL HOLD HIM TO THAT!!

Steff
Mother of 3 under 3.:LOL
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#5 of 19 Old 04-10-2004, 02:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by steff

I would leave them with him but he won't let me.
Wait a minute. He won't "let" you? Let you? You are a grown woman. Your husband doesn't get to decide what you are allowed to do.

This man is your partner. He is your children's father. He is not assuming responsibility for either of these roles. This is not acceptable - from your post it is clear how frustrated you are. Anyone would be. You need to have a very, very serious talk with him. If he is not taking responsibility for the care of his children now, it's going to be a lot harder for him to do so later. (And just what exactly does, "when they're older" mean? Who gets to decide that?)

I know I said you needed to have a serious talk, but on re-reading your post, it sounds like you've told him how you feel - and he's still ignoring the reality of how difficult it is to be a SAHM. You need to take action. Tell him you are leaving for a couple of hours and then GO. Go to the movies, or whatever will relax you the most. Your dh will "get it" I promise. And when you get back, it's time for some major re-negotiation of responsibilities.

My dh totally gets how tough it is to be sahm, and I get all the support I need. But that's because he considers himself my partner in parenting, and therefore he KNOWS firsthand what it's like. I could tell him - or anyone - about how rough it is till the Green Party takes the White House, but without hours and hours alone with kids, no one could possibly know.

Good luck.
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#6 of 19 Old 04-10-2004, 03:00 PM
 
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I completely agree with zinemama.

And just before you walk out the door, tell him that he can clean the kitchen while he's sitting around not doing anything. :LOL

When you get back and the kitchen isn't clean and the kids are swinging from the rafters, you can ask him what his problem is...OK, that might be too confrontational, but he would definitely get the point. :LOL

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#7 of 19 Old 04-11-2004, 01:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes I know what you guys are saying is right and I would give the same advice and probly have before.
But when your in the situation it is more difficult. I don't think he devalues what I do as much as him just not wanting to be a part of it. Although I still get comments like this latest one "you have time to be on the computer I thought you didn't have time to do anything" And what do you say to that when he says it while your on the computer. I am a mother of 3 ages 31/2, 32 months and 12 months. (and he wants another one):LOL whatever!!
I need the help from him! My dh is great in all other areas but this one.
The reason why I haven't done what you said Zianemama which I know I should is because I think," is it really worth the fight".
I think this is why I am so overwhelmed. (my other thread in toddlers)
There has got to be a way to get him to help. I know he loves me to death but that obviously is not a good enough reason. Once in a blue moon he will do something (every 2 monts or so). Maybe he thinks this is enough?

Maybe ask your husbands why they help and what made them want to! Anything would help at this point.
And if you don't mind me asking what does your husband do to help you out!(I need amunition)

Thanks for your help all

Steff( believe it or not I can still manage to smile)
edited to try and fix that space didn't work, all well. And to add something
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#8 of 19 Old 04-12-2004, 02:51 PM
 
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Steff,

It is worth the fight. You are only 3 years into your parenting journey. You have many, many years ahead of you, and if you get this resolved now, those years will be a lot easier. In my opinion, this is something you should be giving our top priority to resolving. I know it's hard to negotiate these things sometimes, but you have to do it, for the sake of your happiness, your sanity, and that of your family. Till I became a mother, I never knew how true that old saying was, "If mama ain't happy..."

Different men are going to come to "helping" in different ways. Zinepapa sees it as his job to be my partner. He didn't grow up with a dad who was especially helpful, but for whatever reason, he didn't take his own father as a role model. It was a joint decision for us to have children, and he believes we should share the load. The way we see it is, he works 8 hours at the office, I work 8 hours at home, and when he comes home, we split the work.

As for what he does to help: As soon as he comes home, he takes the kids so that I can finish making supper in peace. After supper he takes them for a walk, or plays with them while I take a break. He puts the 4yo to bed while I put the 1yo to bed. He takes the kids with him on errands so that I can get a break. He changes most diapers on evenings and weekends.I get regularly scheduled "time off" on the weekends. (Yesterday I spent 3 hours at the movies seeing LOTR!). Back when he used to work 4 10hr days, I had all day Friday for myself. (Alas, that schedule's gone).

Zinepapa once said to me, "I don't ever want to see you getting frustrated with the kids when I'm around. When I'm here, take advantage of it - ask for what you need from me."

I didn't have to do anything or talk about anything with him for him to do any of this. It was part of his vision of marriage. But in your case, I think you're just going to have to be drastic. Sit him down, tell him how you feel, and then tell him that you're going to be giving him a reality check. Walk out the door. Don't take your cellphone if you have one. He will cope. Not well, most likely, but you'll give him another shot at it the next day. And the next. And the next. He needs to learn to be a father NOW. Not when they're older. And you need to stop taking all the burden on yourself.

I hope I don't sound too stern! But imagining myself in your shoes makes me almost as upset about the situation as you must be.
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#9 of 19 Old 04-12-2004, 08:52 PM
 
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DH is pretty good about helping. He cleans up after himself, does his own laundry and will help me out with other things if I ask him to. I asked him why he helps and he said "Because you have enough to do without having to worry about my stuff and everything else." He has no problem taking care of DD (of course, she's 10 so it's not that hard) but even when she was little he'd tell me to go out and do something and he'd take care of her. I'd go to the movies or shopping with friends. I think every DH needs to be alone with kids for at least a couple hours to be able to appreciate what it is a SAHM really does.
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#10 of 19 Old 04-12-2004, 10:14 PM
 
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steff, honey, you're being ridden over rough-shod by your dh, IMO.

Those kids didn't pop out of nowhere. Mr. Hard Weiner did his bit to make that happen.

If you don't get him involved in parenting, you might as well start lying down and letting everyone wipe their feet right on you. Sorry to be so harsh.
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#11 of 19 Old 04-13-2004, 02:22 AM
 
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I gotta say in Steff's defense, I know where she is coming from. I have only one, but my dh has an almost pathological reaction to a small person crying. It frustrates him terribly because he wants to fix the problem and can't. Add to that the fact that he has a nasty temper which he works very hard to control. I left her with him 10-15 times when she was a baby (for 12 hours a day LOL, I was teaching a class) and it was REALLY REALLY hard on him. It didn't get easier for him, and he never "learned" how to be able to hold a crying baby for hours without it sending him near the edge. I know that he would never physically hurt our daughter (or even yell at her) but he has been known to take out his frustration in other ways (storming around, looking angry, occasionally knocking something over) and quite frankly I was not willing to have our daughter seeing her daddy like that. Now that she is 4 and he can talk to her about why she is crying and get her to stop, this is not an issue any more, and I go see movies when I like I don't know if Steff's dh is similar to mine, but the bottom line is, as a mommy, we do what is best for our kids. Dh and and dd are developing a lovely relationship now and I know I did the right thing in not pushing the issue harder back then.

However, Steff, I would certainly think twice about having another kid with this man! You've got so much on your plate already!!!!
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#12 of 19 Old 04-13-2004, 10:35 AM
 
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I've had a few friends whose husbands are never left alone with the kids, and they resent it, but enable it anyway.

You really need to just make it clear that he is their parent and not an assistant or a babysitter. The only way he will learn to be responsible for his children is by doing it.

Create a situation where you have to be gone for an entire day. He doesn't have to know you orchestrated it, but do it. A lot of men seem to take the easiest way out (sorry about the sweeping generalization), and as long as you continue to do 100% of the childcare 100% of the time, why should he bother?

If you think this is too drastic, you can ease him into it with one child at a time, or two. I mean, if you have to take one child somewhere on a weekend, what do you do with the other two? Drag them along? I do have a friend like this - she has three kids age five and under, and if the five-year-old gets invited to a party, she "has" to take all three because her husband won't stay home with the other two. Notice the quotation marks, because she doesn't have to do anything. She needs to say, "Husband, I'm taking ds1 to a party. Have fun with ds2 and dd while we're gone! Bye, honey!!!"

By the way, this friend's husband wants her to have a fourth child, too, but she drew the line at three. I think she would have felt differently if her husband was more of an active parent.

It is definitely worth the fight.

If I had to go somewhere for a week, dh would have no trouble. He might not trim DDs nails, but he knows everything about her routines and what she likes to eat and when she goes to school and ballet and gymnastics and everything else. He knows the pediatrician's name and phone number (yes, I know a dad who doesn't know his son's doc's name, scary), what dosages of Tylenol to give her if she's sick, etc. He can even make a somewhat respectable ponytail. I don't think this is remarkable, though - he's her father.

Good luck...
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#13 of 19 Old 04-13-2004, 12:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow Zinemama he does quite a bit to help you I am sure you really appreciate that I know I would. Its nice to hear men are like that out there.

calaga1007 yes I know I am a door matt for him, thats why I am trying to find some kind of solution to this. I should have done this 3 years ago.

Thao my husband is very similar, even the temper. With three kids he just goes crazy, and not that he would ever hurt them, but to put him in the mental state he gets in, I feel awful.

When I say he won't let me meaning he won't let me leave with a peace of mind.

I will try again and talk to him about it but I can't just go and leave him, I'd be worried and feel like a disrespectful partner.

We went to his brothers for easter in the states and he has five children under six years old so there was 8 children under the age of six. His brothers wife kept ordering his brother around to do things and I think he realized how good he has it so I think now would be a good time to bring it up. It was pretty funny she would tell her husband to do something and my husband was forced to help because it was his brother and he couldn't just watch. I laughed so hard. I do wish I could be like that but I just can't.

Well wish me luck!!!!!!! Thanks all

Steff
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#14 of 19 Old 04-13-2004, 02:46 PM
 
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When Mr. Steff heads out the door for work every day, leaving you alone with your kids, do you feel like he is being disrespectful? Of course not - he's leaving his children with their mother.

You can leave your kids with dh. Maybe you'll worry about them - in fact, I'd bet you would - but I don't think it's disprespectful to leave your husband in charge of the children he helped make.

I'm not saying it's going to be a piece of cake for him. Remember how hard it was to adjust to being a parent? Sounds like he got a free pass on that, and now he's going to have to get on the fast track with it x3. It's not going to be easy for him and it's going to take a while. But the sooner he gets started the better father he's going to be in the long run, and the happier you will be, too.

Good luck!
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#15 of 19 Old 04-14-2004, 02:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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When I said being disrespectful I meant in the sence that I know he doesn't want me to leave that it stresses him out and then for me to just leave would be disrespectful. Even though I should!!!!

Everyone has been alot of help!!

I did fianlly talk to him on the way to the states so he couldn't walk away from me.
He actually stayed very calm and said the only way he'll start helping is if it goes by a schedule he can follow. The way I do things he would just get to frustrated. What his definition of helping I am curious to see. I know it will be nothing like Zinepapa.(I wish)
I had to laugh though I was like " is that all it takes" I am going to hold him to it.
He still hasn't made the schedule I am patiently waiting.

Thanks to all of you

Steff
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#16 of 19 Old 04-15-2004, 10:53 AM
 
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That's great that you talked to him! Some poeple need a schedule to get started - sounds like a good idea for your dh. Don't wait for him to make it, though! Make the schedule yourself, post it on the fridge, and point him thataway.
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#17 of 19 Old 04-15-2004, 08:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would but I am not sure how to go about making one.
I am not great at organizing and I wouldn't no where to start.
He is the opposite which is nice if he would participate.
I know I shouldn't wait for him.

Any suggestions. The downstairs isn't a problem. Well maybe the cupboards and stuff.

Steff
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#18 of 19 Old 04-17-2004, 01:05 PM
 
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He will only do it with a schedule, but your way of making a schedule is "wrong," and he refuses to make a schedule that is "right"......is he stalling and trying to get out of it?

How does she break through this obstacle?

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#19 of 19 Old 04-17-2004, 08:00 PM
 
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Steff, how about you two sit down and make a schedule together . He may be as stimeyed (sp?) as you are. You know what you need help with, and he has the organized mind. Maybe together you can come up with something that works. And remember that it can be revised if something about it doesn't work. Just get something down on paper so that he can get started helping.

HTH
Christie

Christie ~ proud Mama to : 5/01, and : 3/07; and proud wife to my since 1992. We have 13 and 2 : It's looking more and more like either a farm or a zoo around here.
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