Men question...(long!) - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-13-2004, 03:56 AM - Thread Starter
Administrator
 
adinal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 24,482
Mentioned: 23 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 71 Post(s)
Now, I know that not all men are like this, and I am not trying to make a sweeping generalization, but most women I have talked to have dealt with, dated, married, etc. a man like this.

Why aren't men more romantic? We see these movies that show men being romantic and thoughtful, and though they are unrealistic, and I remind myself frequently that dh doesn't have light, a script writer, music to underscore him, a costumer, hair/makeup people, and a director, but would a little be too much to ask for?

For example..I say I want something romantic for my birthday, he asks what. I say I don't know, you come up with something romantic. The conversation continues until I have given him enough suggestions to basically plan the whole thing. And again, this doesn't happen all the time, nor with all men, but for the most part in my life it has been a theme.

I love my husband very very much, and really have no complaints.

But just a curiosity. I try to be thoughtful and creative even when money is an issue. One year for his brithday I cooked him a Moroccan meal - complete with b'stella (which is a large pain to make) because we didn't have $$ to go out. And there are certainly times when I have no creative moment in my life, and have no idea what to get him. So I certainly don't expect it all the time.

It is little things I guess, I think to pick up some Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs cause I know he likes them. He didn't ask for them. Or get him something that I know he likes as a little surprise.

It is very rare that I get that back. And I do ask, and point it out, so it isn't like I am not communicating about it. But it doesn't seem to change things.

So why do you gals (and guys) suppose that is? I married a great guy, not a dud by any stretch of the imagination. But he like all the other men that I have been with, seems to have this slip his mind.

And please if your DH (or SO) is that thoughtful and romantic - share!!! Were they always like this? Or only after you got together?

Is it that men are too practical? Example - for our wedding, I got my dh a really nice watch, since he had said he wanted a nice watch, and engraved the back of his ring with "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" in Hebrew. those were my two wedding gifts to him. He got me a little purse/carrier for my palm pilot. Which I needed and loved very much, but not high on the romantic scale. Is that a practicality thing? Are women less practical?


And again, not trying to make a sweeping generalization, just curious what everyone thinks.
(Just watched a romantic movie, and this question always crosses my mind - so I thought I would ask. )

winner.jpg Adina knit.gifmama to B hearts.gif 4/06  and E baby.gif  8/13/12 (on her due date!) homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpg

 

adinal is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-13-2004, 04:06 AM
 
SabrinaJL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 726
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hmmm, my DH sounds JUST like yours. I can't tell you why they're that way but I can empathize. My bday was last week. I wasn't expecting anything big but I WAS expecting something. I got zip, zilch, zero. And when I asked him why he said that we don't have much money. It doesn't seem to matter that I've explained to him 3 jillion times that it's not about money.

I would have been happy if he had gotten me an egg McMuffin for breakast (I'd been craving one), cleaned up the kitchen and offered me a massage. I was pretty upset since I ALWAYS go out of my way for him (not just for bdays). And he commented on it not that long ago. He had asked me to pick him up something and I got the best I could find. He said "You always treat me so good." Yeah, well sometimes reciprocation would be appreciated. :

Oh and I forgot to add, he said "Well, I always tell you EXACTLY what I want for my birthday." And I said "Yes, and I always get you what you want. But I always tell you that I want you to surprise me by doing something thoughtful, so isn't that what you should do for me?"
SabrinaJL is offline  
Old 04-13-2004, 04:10 AM
 
ja mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: OR
Posts: 1,482
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Different people show their affection and loyalty in different ways. You do it in your way and he does it in his, but what's important to him might not be the same as to you.

What I'm trying to say (ineffectively, I think) is that he might actually be doing things for you that aren't registering. As in, maybe he takes the trash out because he doesn't want you to have to get yuckiness on your hands. Or maybe he gives you time to take a bath alone, by watching the kids, so you feel good. And then he has to hear that he doesn't run a bubble bath for you and serve you chilled champagne and strawberries.

I think we all try to make our spouses happy, but sometimes the ways we do it don't match up or get acknowledged. That's where resentment grows. If you start giving him credit for little things he does, he might start doing more. But realistically he'll probably have a hard time branching too far from his natural way of honoring you. Just like you might have a hard time if he told you he values a clean house and fresh laundry. But the other things like special candy and thought out dinners.... well, they're just food, you have to eat.

I think the word romance conjures up images of sweet nothings, roses, carriage rides... but it is only a word. Where does it fit in the grand scheme of life?
ja mama is offline  
Old 04-13-2004, 04:27 AM - Thread Starter
Administrator
 
adinal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 24,482
Mentioned: 23 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 71 Post(s)
ja mama - I completely agree with you! I know he does stuff - like take out the garbage, or change the kitty litter etc., that are his way of taking care of me. He usually rubs my back till I fall asleep at night, almost every night.

I guess the stuff that I am thinking of are the little spontaneous, non-practical, not daily routine things. I mean I always make sure he has toothpaste and deodorant, and that is a way of telling him I love him too.

Please don't think I am some terrible shrew - I am not. And when we talk about this - there are things he would like from me as well. I am not perfect. And believe me I am far from complaining - after two years of trying to get pregnant with our first - I am no prize sometimes - but he sticks with me - hormonal psychoness and all!

It really it the non practical stuff that I am thinking of. Like the Reese's Eggs.

I am just curious if this is a male/female thing. Or if men are taught this, or what? Or not taught as the case may be. :LOL More of an anthropological thing.

And as for sweet nothings, roses and carriage rides - well they might not have much of a place in everyday life - but they do have their place. I think we all need romance. I think it keep our hearts going, and our hopes alive. There must be something to it - or all those movies wouldn't get made. Something about it feeds our soul.

winner.jpg Adina knit.gifmama to B hearts.gif 4/06  and E baby.gif  8/13/12 (on her due date!) homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpg

 

adinal is offline  
Old 04-13-2004, 11:59 AM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh is like Adina's. I will get him the chocolate bar when I'm out, but he would only get me one if he was buying one for himself anyway.

I know he does lots of other stuff 'cos he loves me (like staying when I'm being a bitch lol), but the flowers for no reason stuff would be nice too.
Irishmommy is offline  
Old 04-13-2004, 03:44 PM
 
Momma Aimee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: deep in South Texas and ready to go home
Posts: 9,304
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think....to a big extent....men don't cause they don't know, or haven't learned. All goes back to the example of husbandhood they had or didn't have. they need to learn what they haven't learned.

Also think the 5 languages of Love has a lot to do with it. they do for us what they'd like (be it complements, gifts, acts of service). They speck their love language cause that is what they know. again it comes down to learning our languae.

I do -- however -- feel we are obligated to accept their lanuge as a true love offer. we may6 not need a cay ashtry but if our child made one we'd love it as a token of love. something our men do might not be in our languae (getting car detailed) but we need to see how it is offered. As mom alwasy says it is the thought that counts.

that being said...............no reason why men can't learn. ALSO that being said; we need to be aware of what our son's are learning.

Aimee

so

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
Momma Aimee is offline  
Old 04-13-2004, 06:00 PM
 
cappuccinosmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SW Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,447
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dh is *very* practical, and romance isn't a big priority for him. I think he figures that he takes good care of us, is a good husband and father, and isn't that enough? (and in reality, that *is* enough. I couldn't ask for a better man!)

Sometimes it bothers me, but not often. Especially because sometimes he does go out of his way to do something he sees as not very important but knows will make my day (like taking us out to lunch!).

I think American culture (I don't know about the rest of the West) sets up a lot of expectations about romance etc that leads to many women being sorely disappointed when thier men turn out to be....men. I can pretty much guarantee that I won't be getting anything real romantic or expensive for birthdays or anniversary's. Once I decided not to *expect* those things, I was a lot happier. Now I see the little things that he does for me all the time, and can honestly say that they're far better and more worthwhile than a candellit dinner somewhere.

But that's just me.
cappuccinosmom is offline  
Old 04-13-2004, 06:16 PM
 
Harper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 961
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband is the same! Great husband and father but rarely does romatic things--occasionally but not often. I also remind myself that the stuff in movies is fiction.

For me the problem is that I communicate with dh that something is important to me--spell it all out--and still nothing. For example, I have always asked that he write something in cards that he gives to me. You know, his own feelings instead of the card's. He has NEVER done it. This is what hurts.

I tell him all the time that he is lucky that I ask for what I want instead of getting bitter waiting for him to figure it out. But still...nothing.

He is lucky he is a great partner in so many other ways. And I try and pay very close attention to those things that he does for me that wouldn't fall into the "romatic category" as I know this is his way of showing his affection. But it isn't always enough.

Good thread!

Mama to two wonderful daughers: 02/03/03 and 10/19/05
Harper is offline  
Old 04-13-2004, 11:07 PM
 
Joyce in the mts.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Adirondack Mts. of NY
Posts: 2,966
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Gee I feel so guilty. I love my dh and I am grateful for all the ways he has always shown that both the playful ways and the practical ways.

But then perhaps...on thinking about it...it may simply take some more years to get wise about this for many dh's- just a thought.

But my dh, and we have been together for over 26 years now...often brings me flowers- usually roses which are so lovely. When he sensed I was getting cabin fever, for instance, this winter, he brought me potted crocuses in blossom. That really made a difference to me.

For years, he would buy me things I didn't WANT but said I liked- if we saw something in a store I said I liked, that is...I had to reinforce that just because I say I like a thing, doesn't mean I WANT it. That took a while to soak in...but he got it!...and I only comment casually about a thing I like, but I actually say, "I would REALLY want that" if I see something that really really is something I like and would love to have or need.

Where he works, a regional votech alternative high school, he has access to things like the horticultural students raise flowers and veggie plants and sell them and he buys them and brings them home for me...and they are wonderful surprises every time. Just little things, that he thinks of...that present themselves as opportunities. But again, he has access to alot of stuff and is a fairly creative sort.

He also changed diapers in those babycare years, did/does laundry, he also washes dishes, and he cooks much better than I, but he always did cook better. That's just him and everyone is different and had different opportunities for experience and learning as they grew up too. He had alot of sisters...and some brothers too, but had some real respect for women. He was breastfed too!

I did support him through college and grad school. He bought me a diamond ring (VERY modest but pretty) to acknowledge that.

I think perhaps when couples get older, or more mature together, and kids are grown up, and so on...they learn and they do better with/for one another. Folks tend to become more aware, and learn what they value in one another and what is meaningful to one another. Often they return to those wonderful things that drew them together to begin with. Least that seems to be true for us.

I think there is hope for most if not all couples to grow to value and act mutually on those little things more as time goes by. I really do. And the years really seem to foster that and create deep loving intimacy.

Just my .02...Joyce in the mts.

CD Labor/Postpartum (MSTM), Doula trainer (BAI), Midwifery Student/Apprentice, CPS Tech
Joyce in the mts. is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 02:00 AM
 
CerridwenLorelei's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: BIG SCARY TEXAS/World of Warcrack
Posts: 5,729
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
but he did do something 'traditonally romantic' in jan and in feb
he brought me home gorgeous jewelry -small simple and inexpensive but lovely and things i like
the first one he said he had been in the doghouse lately and also thought I needed a pick me up lol

But the things that were romantic when we dated I don't look at as much now
Romantic now for ME is him taking over and doing clean up when they are tossing their cookies, or doing the dishes.
Or holding back my hair when I am tossing my cookies
and when he buys me new belly dancer outfits at the renfest


he always says I am romantic when I am being domestic-cleaning or reading to the kids etc


this in contrast to what he did the night before our first date...
yes i will tell but only if asked lol
CerridwenLorelei is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 01:44 PM
 
Momma Aimee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: deep in South Texas and ready to go home
Posts: 9,304
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
tel


tell


tell


Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
Momma Aimee is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 02:52 PM
 
momto l&a's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Idaho
Posts: 13,100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh is a romantic, unfortunalty I feel at times I walk over him and dont apperciate his romancing me.


His gifts and planning for the giving of the gift/s is so romantic.

He is also a great help around the house.


Guess his parents did a good job of teaching him.
momto l&a is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 05:35 PM
 
CerridwenLorelei's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: BIG SCARY TEXAS/World of Warcrack
Posts: 5,729
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
the night before our date I had dental surgery
no fun..
and I couldn't take the pain meds because it was just me and ds
so that evening I hear a knock on the door
and there he is with a fully bloomed yellow rose and says " I thought you might need some help with ds" .......
and he proceeded to play with him etc so I could take a pain pill and lay on the couch watching them build with tinkertoys
CerridwenLorelei is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 07:13 PM
 
dotcommama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree that sometimes you have to see some of the practical stuff they do as their way of romancing you.

I have to say I am spoiled because my dh makes jewelry. He made me a pendant for our very first date and he continues to make me pieces over the years that I love and cherish.
dotcommama is offline  
Old 04-15-2004, 02:39 AM
 
lula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: currently you mean?
Posts: 1,134
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh is romantic and I am not very...so this is not a personal example.

My wonderful and very blunt friend is romantic and her husband is not. He loves her, he tries, he thinks he cares but she does not feel it the way she wants so...she wrote about 50 index cards with ideas on them of various things she would like, big things to small things, she put in birthday ideas etc. She gave him the box and lo and behold it worked. It may not sound like a romantic way to get the romance she wanted but I think it helped her husband to see in a concrete fashion what she meant.
lula is offline  
Old 04-15-2004, 12:30 PM
 
peacepie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 312
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
when i was 16, my first bf, bought me a ring and wanted to marry me, which i am sure was a ploy for my virginity. (worked!)he romanced me to no end. notes in my locker, flowers constantly. once while at his parents house, after them witnessing him giving me a gift, his dad said, you know men give gifts when they've done somthing wrong(feel guilty);
something to that avail. (that sticks with me)(he was hinting that his son was cheating on me!!)
then just before dh my bf was so romantic, always did the sweetest little things, but even more sincere(hes still a good friend, lucky girl who lands him!)
so i was kind of over romanced when i met dh, didnt ever expect anything from him, never get anything either. well; he bought me flowers once in a blue moon but mostly i think he knows i think thats a waste of money so he doesnt bother;
he also had alot of romance before he met me, which makes me kind of mad, 'she' got to go to hawaaii with him, another had her name on his arm, and he sings a song he wrote about someone else ages ago. so i know he must have been romantic before, and i havent expected anything, but now i want just a little; nothing for my birthday(easter sunday) either, no break even.
but we have our own business and he works alot so i do not make extra demands on his time;
i think some guys go through a romantic stage, and some are always romantic, and some use it as a tool; i've had each and i must admit, i do miss some of the stuff my last ex used to do; i have a box full of letters, poems, etc, from other guys, and a memory full too!

dh keeps saying we're going to get married(after 11 years 3 kids) but i have told him, forget it, i will not marry you, you have not asked me, and i dont want it 'just because'.
i guess its my last ditch effort of trying to get any thing out of him. he has to propose to me at LEAST!!!!!
(i am not very romantic either, but i think it works better when the guy does it. i always remember little things for him, and he thinks i'm so good to him, but he doesnt often reciprocate.)
peacepie is offline  
Old 04-16-2004, 11:50 PM
 
Emilie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: going thru divorce land
Posts: 7,110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband is the most unromantic man I know. At least with me...
Example
For our 1 year anniversary- I got the same hotel suite- that we had on our wedding night. ( I was 3 months pg when we wed)
I had my mom and dad watch ds- for a few hours- then ds came to stay with us over night- but we still could be alone for a bit....
I brought books candles, sexy stuff, wine, etc etc...
We get into the room- dh plops on the bed- and turns on ESPN.
I undress- run the 6 person hottub- and proceed to get in...
Dh said he would rather just watch tv...
OUCH!
I read my book- crying....
I tried.
All I can do is try...
It sucked and it was a mega waste of money.
Emilie is offline  
Old 04-17-2004, 09:16 AM
 
dotcommama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,366
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally posted by Emilie
Dh said he would rather just watch tv...
I think he needed a little of this
dotcommama is offline  
Old 04-17-2004, 05:06 PM
 
Emilie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: going thru divorce land
Posts: 7,110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know I know....
I do not know what to do with him anymore...
I am at my wits end...
He spends 9-12 hours a day on the computer...
I can not stand it anymore!!!
Emilie is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off