I'm so sorry this is so difficult for you. I have to admit that when I read this last post from you, the image of your dh humiliating your little boy about going to the bathroom resurfaced in my head and made all of this anger swell up inside.
My situation is not like yours at all. My husband was not abusive. So, I think maybe that impacts how things have been after we split. But we did split and it's really been okay. Good even. Our ds had surgery the other day and his dad came to stay at my place that night for his own peace of mind. I realized with him being there how peaceful my home had become since we split. All of the tension immediately resurfaced and I couldn't wait until he was gone again so my home would be calm and safe again. As I said, he was not abusive - just emotionally isolating... maybe bordering on emotionally abusive.
Anyway, it's not easy, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm in school. I take out many loans to ensure that I can be home with ds, not have to leave him in daycare. My budget is very tight. I almost never get "me" time (I'm either with ds or in class or having to study). But it's so worth it. Let me just repeat that. It is SO
worth it. My home is calm and emotionally safe.
Why don't you just take the steps? Start investigating, little by little. See if you can get a lawyer to give you a free consult, just so you know what your options are. If you can get peace of mind that way - knowing how the law will work for you, that you might not have to lose your home, etc. - it will most likely empower you.