I'm beginning to loathe him... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He took my entire paycheck last week. We're not getting public assistance anymore, and we're pretty poor... but he took my entire paycheck! I don't know where it all went (he doesn't do drugs, btw), but it's gone now. I don't know how I'm going to get to school and work next week with the kids! He doesn't care, and that REALLY bothers me.

He didn't even pay any bills that I'm aware of. I spent $70 on groceries... I'm just having a hard time with this because he never lets me hold onto the money... not even my own paycheck!

So, he works for nearly NOTHING. Seriously, he makes very little money. I make minimum wage, and if it wasn't for the fact that I can do my homework while I'm working, I wouldn't be there.

DH used to have a job that paid double what he's paid now. He could go back at any time... it's over the road truck driving. I want him to go back over the road so we can survive. I don't know how the hell we're gonna eat this week if I find out he didn't stash money. DH says he wants to hold a garage sale this weekend to get rid of some stuff. *sigh* I think I'm going to add things to the trading post.

I want him to go over the road! We need the money! I want him out of here because I'm just getting angrier and angrier with him as time goes by. He's not supporting the family. He's not supporting me going to school so one day I can support the family. He hasn't helped me emotionally through anything.
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#2 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 05:37 PM
 
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My internal alarm is going CRAZY reading what you just wrote, Journey. He took your paycheck and didn't tell you what he did with it and he wants to hold a yard sale to get rid of some stuff. To me, it sounds like he might be making plans to get out of dodge. Is that a possibility?

Here's an idea - something that you need to do *immediately.* Open your own bank account. If you work offers direct deposit, have your check directly deposited into your account and make sure the bank knows that he is NOT to touch it. If your workplace doesn't do direct deposit, deposit your check the moment you get it.

He's shown you that he's not responsible with money, so don't give him any responsiblity and don't allow him any access to what you make. In the meantime, head to your financial aid office at school and ask them about an emergency loan. I'm guessing you qualify for financial aid - they should be able to cut you a check within a day if you speak to a counselor who actually has some responsibility (insist on this - don't just deal with the front desk people). Put the emergency loan check into your own bank account - again, no access for him.

I hope there's some decent explanation for this and that everything is okay.
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#3 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 06:44 PM
 
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I hate to say it, but Dragonfly's post makes some sense.
What did he say when you asked him where the $$ went?
What does he say when you ask him to go back to over the road driving?
So sorry you're dealing with this, our biggest fights are always over money, and my dh, who is currently employed (thank the Goddess) has a looooong history of being underemployed, so I feel your pain.
Hope this all works out and fast too!
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#4 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 07:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We just got into a fight. I told him to go OTR, because we need the money. Now he claims he hated that job. Gee, that's funny because he loved it before!

He told me I'm to drop out of college or get out of the house.

Either I am to stay home and do all the housework, or I should be making more money than him... with no college education.

He wants me to get a full time job and make more money than him, clean the entire house by myself, and if I have enough time, maybe I can stay in college but I'd have to get straight As, and still have time to be a full time mom, where the kids wouldn't notice I'm gone (no daycare, no babysitters, EVER), and I'd have to find time to be his best friend and he can't know that I'm ever gone.

:

He doesn't understand the absurdity of that.

He says he's not supposed to be the man of the house making the money if I'm not the woman of the house doing all of the cleaning.

I just want to deck him right now.
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#5 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 08:10 PM
 
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Quote by Journey:
______________________________________________
He says he's not supposed to be the man of the house making the money if I'm not the woman of the house doing all of the cleaning.
_______________________________________________

WHAT!!!!!!!! Can I hold him while you deck him? I
Listen to me - DO NOT DROP OUT OF NURSING SCHOOL!!!!!!
Whether you are with this guy or not, as a nurse you will be able to support your kids with a flexible schedule. Not only do I LOVE my job, it has saved our butts several times - like when my transmission went out in my van. When I have had to work more to pull us through, the work is always there!
So I repeat.... DON'T DROP OUT OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!

ps Where are you going in Buffalo (to school)? My sister went to Trocaire's nursing program.
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#6 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 08:32 PM
 
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journey, I'm so sorry he is being a butt head. I agree with the other posters that you should open your own bank account don't give him access to your money.

It sounds like he is trying to control you and keep you down. Think he is threatened by your successes in school and what it will mean for you?
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#7 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 08:52 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this, Journey.
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#8 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 09:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not in Buffalo, though I am going into nursing (nurse midwife).

His mother was a single welfare mother who dated drug and alcohol addicts. Her only plan was to get her little pains in the butts (should be kids) to age 18 alive, and she didn't succeed everytime.

He never had a positive role model. He hides behind false pretenses... "We don't have to be rich, we just have to get by, and we always get by...!" Uh, no we don't. "Well, we've survived." We won't always survive if we don't have enough money for food!

I think one of his frustrations is because everybody said I wasn't going to make it. They said my temper would get in the way, and I'd piss everybody off. I've dealt with a lot of crap at the college, as I've mentioned before, and I've only gone off the handle once when I was really drunk to somebody who was quite understanding and deserved a good yelling at. They said I wasn't going to get elected to Student Senate, and look, I was the prime candidate for Student Senate member of the year (until they decided they weren't going to give out that award this year, which is another story). They said I wasn't going to do well... I made deans list last semester.

My mother said I'd do bad. My husband didn't think I'd make it. And a "friend" (who I no longer associate with) seemed gleeful when telling me I was going to fail.

I proved them all wrong.

Yet still my husband doesn't see the point. He thinks going to college means I'm sitting on my ass doing nothing all day. He can't see what an investment this is!

I think part of it's jealousy. I have friends and I go out. I'm doing big things on the campus. I think he really is threatened by a successful woman.

My husband told me today that he doesn't think I should go any further because my career choice isn't going to get me anywhere. All the legal battles I'll have to face, all the problems I will have to overcome, all the close-mindedness of societ... midwifery isn't really a good business he says.

Maybe it's not a "good business" but I want to do it to help mamas!

I think he's threatened by my potential success. I'm a highly visible and approachable person with connections. Really, I'm not important at all, but I'm one of those "Most Likely To Succeed" type people who is loud, passionate, and educated.

My husband is a long haired, hippie/metalhead, musician (anti-drug), whose LAZY, manipulative, and can we say LAZY. He was talking about how he wants to start a band. I know musicians, and I could introduce him, but NOOOOO he wants to do it himself, but he doesn't want to put forth the effort to meeting people himself. He wants a band to fall on his lap, schedule the gigs for him, and play all the music he writes and sings, and then make millions of dollars. Can we say CLUELESS?!!!! He also wants to become mayor someday without a college degree and without having to speak publically. Yeah, uh huh. Sure, dear. So, I humor him, as he humors me.

I really hate him.
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#9 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 09:07 PM
 
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Even if you can't set up the other bank account for your paycheck (without causing to much trouble at home...) get an emergency loan from school and put it in the new account.

If he were really the type to snoop I don't know how easy it would be to keep an account a secret--maybe tell them you do not want an ATM card for it or any deposit/withdrawl slips.
Then you don't have to worry about him finding them, and you would just have to use the blank forms at the bank to take cash out when you need it.
Not sure how to deal with the bank statement--other than maybe using a bank that will let you go paperless and download your statement instead of mailing it to you...

Anyhow--I guess my point is that there are ways to protect yourself, so please please please do what you can now!


mom to three boys:  reading.gif(18 bigeyes.giffencing.gif(10&7)
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#10 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 09:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Journey
I think he really is threatened by a successful woman.
***
My husband told me today that he doesn't think I should go any further because my career choice isn't going to get me anywhere.
***
I think he's threatened by my potential success.
It sounds like you have totally hit the nail on the head. Sometimes seeing someone else go after their dream and actually succeed at it makes the other person feel like a loser. As long as no one else succeeds, than they aren't expected to either. It doesn't excuse his behavior at all, but I think that you are right as to where it is coming from.
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#11 of 22 Old 04-23-2004, 10:06 PM
 
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Oh, Journey, my heart is hurting reading your posts. PLEASE don't drop out of school. You are doing great. You will be an asset to the profession. It will give you a way to improve your life tremendously and a way out of your marriage if you so choose, which probably scares your dh.

I agree with what others are saying about getting your own account somewhere. Don't hand over your money if there is any way not to. Find a way to stash a little away at a time, if at all possible.

I know you aren't an abused wife, at least not physically, but talking to someone who works at a women's shelter might be a good idea. They might have some suggestions and resources for you that you may not have thought of, especially for getting money for school.

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#12 of 22 Old 04-25-2004, 01:22 AM
 
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Journey. You sound like a survivor-- everyone expects the worst from you (inc. your husband), and they can't stand to see you succeed. Too bad so sad for them, though, because it's TOO LATE. You are succeeding.

I think you need to run, not walk, to a counselor. If your husband won't go with you, go yourself. I bet your university might have some help for you, or at least help you find resources. On second thought, maybe you should just go yourself and don't even tell your husband you're going.

He told me I'm to drop out of college or get out of the house.
This is the statement that bothers me the most. What advice would you have for a friend going through this?

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#13 of 22 Old 04-25-2004, 03:24 AM
 
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Lots of great advice from other mamas. Just wanted to give you a
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#14 of 22 Old 04-26-2004, 09:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Today I'm supposed to be at school, but I can't go because he won't give me money for a cab to get there. He says we're broke, and we don't have any money. We have no wipes. We're low on diapers. We don't get paid until Thursday. I told him to stay home from work so we could go apply for public assistance again. He says he might be back later to help with that.

I am so tired. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I'm scared, and I'm lonely. It's a repeated pattern with him. Over and over he does this. I always hope he'll change. I don't want to be the asshole. I'm like a little puppy sometimes that keeps getting kicked and kicked, and I'm still on that person's heels. But, that's all I was ever taught as a child... somebody hurts you and it's your fault, and just trust them anyways.

I know it sounds rediculous, especially since I KNOW what's going on psychologically here, but I just can't stop it! I CAN'T END IT! I talk all this shit about women's power and don't be the victim, and blah blah blah, but here I am... powerless and a victim. It pisses me off. I don't want to live like this.
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#15 of 22 Old 04-26-2004, 11:13 AM
 
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So he has money to go out but he won't give you money to get to school? Why does he control the money and why do you hand over your paycheck? How about splitting the paycheck if your making the money or let hime keep his own check and decide who's going to pay which bills? He's either stashing the $$ or doing something you don't know about since you say the bills aren't getting paid. He does seem to want you to fail which means that not is he not thinking about you, but he's not thinking about the good of your family. Drag him to therapy! You can probably get free or sliding scale therapy on campus. Give him an ultimatum if you need to because you can't keep going like this! Opening your own account is definately a great idea and stop giving him all the money, then he has all the control! He doesn't seem like the type to have a partnership, he needs control of you. Stop this from happening! (((hugs)))
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#16 of 22 Old 04-26-2004, 12:25 PM
 
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Do you have any friends at school you can call for assistance? Someone who will agree to pick you up and drop you off for classes for a bit? He is trying to sabotage your education, and you can't let him.

I'm sceptical about the therapy thing with this guy, at least for the moment. What you need to focus on is getting control of your money, staying in school, caring for your child, and surviving. For that you need to cut him loose, as fast as you can. If he's still around and mighty sorry when you get on your feet again, then you can revisit the idea of therapy, if you want.

This is obviously really hard for you, and you've probably been through a lot with this guy, you're trying to figure out what has gone wrong with him, what has gone wrong with you - but for a while, you need to just set aside the analysing and start acting. Your last posts, understandably, have all been trying to figure out what went wrong - you haven't actually said anything about folks' suggestions that you open your own account and seek an emergency loan. That's what you need to be thinking about right now, for you and your child. If you want to analyze, you can do it later.

You are strong and you can do it - get your own bank account, try to find some support from colleagues at school to get you to class, try to get some financial aid (that he can't touch). Personally, I'd also change the locks, but that's up to you.

Good luck!
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#17 of 22 Old 04-26-2004, 06:40 PM
 
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Journey, your last post just has alarm bells going off all over the place for me.

Men who exhibit extreme controlling behavior are very prone to escalating that form of abuse to the point of actual physical abuse. Please talk to a counselor at the school or at a women's shelter. Please do it for your sake. You deserve better. You need out of that situation and if you don't have the emotional reserves to get out by yourself, you need to get help from someone who can show you the way out, and lead you out, if necessary.

As much as Dr. Phil grates on my nerves at times, the one phrase that resounds in my head on a regular basis is "We treat people how to treat us." Your dh isn't going to change without you forcing him to. He isn't going to turn into a nice, generous guy just because you hang in there one more day.
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#18 of 22 Old 04-26-2004, 06:53 PM
 
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Journey.
You are a strong woman..
You need to squirrel some money away for yourself so you aren't dependent on him for cabfare, etc. Make a plan for change, maybe make several different ones. If you can, as someone else said, take advantage of those counseling services at school, for YOU. It certainly doesn't seem that he will be open to marriage counseling at the moment, but if you can get some support for you, you can begin to feel empowered again and more clearly see what it will take for you to have the life you want and deserve.
, I'm so sorry you are faced with this.
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#19 of 22 Old 04-26-2004, 08:02 PM
 
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Why does he even have access to the money? If you're the one making it and managing the house, you should be the one in charge and giving him the allowance if needed or available.

Honestly, it sounds like he's got some sort of problem (drinking, gambling, etc.). To go through an entire paycheck with no explanation is just off. (A friend had this happen to her w/her dh and turned out he was on speed, among other things.)

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#20 of 22 Old 04-26-2004, 08:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Journey
I'm just having a hard time with this because he never lets me hold onto the money... not even my own paycheck!
Why do you let him get away with it? Take back your money and the control he's taking from you! I agree with the others, open your own checking account and do NOT drop out of school. Have you tried counseling? Sounds like he's afraid of you having a better job than him.

s I hope it all works out for you. I'd want to deck him! :
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#21 of 22 Old 04-27-2004, 12:19 AM
 
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You ARE a strong momma Journey.. I have read your posts.. I have been here,and read your words.. You may not realize it, but you have the strength and power inside you..

You need to regain the power inside of you.. Your husband is draining from you out of the fear that with it you will be able to better yourself, see you don't NEED him, and leave.. He is a scared little boy pretending to be a man.. No man needs to control his wife.. A man knows she is a fully grown woman.. A man knows she is in control of her own life.. A real man wants all of that.. RETAKE your control.. RETAKE your money.. He has proven himself untrustworthy with it.. YOU take responsibilty for your actions.. DO NOT give into him because it's easier- it is not right..


I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

I believe in your inate ability as a woman to do what is right for you and your child.. Believe in you like we believe in you.. You are not a victim.. You are a woman who forgot who she is.. You are a mother.. You are a strong able woman.. You will make it through this.. You WILL finish your program.. YOU WILL change other womens lives with your strength, courage, and compassion.. I believe in this because I BELIEVE IN YOU!!

Believe in yourself..

Open your own account.. Take control of your household.. Be the woman we all know you to be..

Be You- the true authentic you that is a little bit hidden by her past right now.. Pull that woman up and embrace her.. Be the strong woman you are reaching to be.. Release the puppy you picture, and grab ahold of the goddess you are instead.. You grovel for attention from no one... You are worthy to be praised.. You are a strong woman.. You can only be what you are, and you, my dear Journey; are a strong woman..


Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan

It's lonely being the only XX in a house of XYs.
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#22 of 22 Old 04-27-2004, 10:30 AM
 
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here I am... powerless and a victim. It pisses me off. I don't want to live like this.
You won't live like this - you can't. You'll survive, you'll get by for awhile, you'll pass some time, but you won't really LIVE.

Journey - you are one of the strongest, most outspoken women I have run into here! You are learning so much & this is just one more step in your JOURNEY (You picked this moniker for a reason, right?). I know it's hard when you're in the middle of it all, but I feel pretty darned confident that you will come out on the other side lookin' like a bright, shiny (albeit noisy : ) star!

You know in your heart what you need to do and my vision shows me that you're standin' looking out the open door of a plane and the whole world is laid out before you! You have a solid, well-packed parachute on your back & you're just waiting for the right moment to jump. So what if you need a push? Just yell - we'll shove ya out the door - no problem! If you need a hug or some advice, I can listen for your truth among the rantings if you want, too! Everybody here is on your side - we see your truth & it's so bright it's shadeworthy!

Don't ever forget...

YOUR PAST DOES NOT CONTROL YOUR FUTURE!

So stop being a victim-that's just one more thing you gotta change. Just like you do here do IRL - let in the people the who can help you succeed - gather these people around you and let them know you need their support, be honest and humble about it. Weed out those who cannot love & support you (at least keep them at arm's length). You are in the middle of growing & you need sunshine & love & support, but we have to go out & find these things and gather them up for ourselves! Take advantage of all the resources you can and continue on your Journey, ma'am! Don't let nuttin' stand in your way! You owe that to yourself and your daughter's future.

Keep talkin' & rantin' on!
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