why am i feeling so down? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 04-26-2004, 06:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i cannot figure out what the heck is going on here. i'm not even sure i can put this down in any sense so i'm just going to babble.

i have everything anyone could want - a HUGE house on a beautiful wooded lot, i work for my dad so i work 2 days and get paid for 40 hrs at a high salary, dh has a great job, 2 wonderful boys, my mom watches my boys where i work so i see them all the time, friends who really love me, church acquaintences who really like me, yadda yadda yadda. but still i'm sad. what i don't have is respect from dh. we are great friends and have alot of fun together. we share some major interests (both vegetarian, both love to travel, hike, hang with friends) he is a great father.

now for the but...

he is a horrible husband. we've been married for 10 years - dated 4 before that. i married him because quite frankly it was the only way for me to be "allowed" to move out of my parent's home. i come from an italian family and their rules are so whacked i'm not getting into them. so - when i met dh i was beautiful - thin - very outgoing. he is high needs in that his ego must constantly be stroked or else he is mean spirited. he knows my weaknesses and pounces (calling me lazy for example) he doesnt see me as equal. he won't acknowledge postive changes in people (esp me) and habors on past problems. we separated after a year or so but our families forced us to stay together. we worked out problems, had ds #1 and fell into a rut again. we never had alot of sex. i am very sexual, romantic etc. he isn't. he wants sex in bed - at nite - and once a month at best. (we used to have sex at least weekly while dating) i took it very personally. he is very shallow and looks mean alot to him. (btw - he's no dreamboat) 2 years ago he has an affair. he ends it - i get pregnant so now we have 2 kids. we have no sex anymore (twice in 18 months) he says its because we have 2 kids sleeping between us - which is true - but i think its because he thinks i am attractive (i look 10 years older) i'm not obese by any means but i have 30 pounds to lose to be what i was when i was thin. (i am 5'5 - 165 now) the whole world has to revolve around him and when it doesn't he freaks. i told him last nite i want a break. he says he doesn't want to leave. about 5 years ago i met some great girls who changed my life forever. they made me so strong and feel so good about myself. i know that i can't make anyone happy - they need to be happy. i know that noone can make me happy - only i can. i really like myself but dh can't see these positive changes. everyone else does.

he can be so sweet and fun - but when he is mean - he is downright horribly disrespectful and i am not deserving of how he treats me - by any means. how do you end a relationship just because someone is mean?

forever i thought it was his personality that he isn't loving or intimate. but i discovered his affair by reading an email that said "is it possible to love everything about a person?..." he NEVER said anything like that to me. so - if he is able to feel these feelings and he doesn't towards me - what the hell are we still doing together?

i know he doesn't want to leave the boys. how then- do we get it worked out. he has issues that is for sure. i've dealt with mine (and i had ALOT) he won't do counseling b/c he sees me as the problem.

there is so much more i could get into - but i think you get the drift.

btw - he is soo nice and sweet today - he says he doesn't want to fight. i still feel like i want out of this.
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#2 of 7 Old 04-26-2004, 07:13 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. It really sounds like you are doing everything right for your boys. If you started counciling alone, do you still think he would see you as the problem?
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#3 of 7 Old 04-26-2004, 07:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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o yeah - it would definite validate his opinion.

what is killing me now is that he is sooooo nice and trying so hard. why is it when he gets overwhelmed with things or when something i say to him strikes a nerve - he goes balistic? if he could start counseling it would be great for him. we have become very involved in our church and do many things there together. he has said that he wanted that as a way to improve his relationships. why is it so easy to go nuts on the ones you "love"?
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#4 of 7 Old 04-26-2004, 08:40 PM
 
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if I were you, I would not allow my parents OR in-laws to tell me how to live my life. They "forced "you to stay together?! You cannot allow this type of behavior to continue. If they refuse to back off after you've talked about this issue with them, then it may be time to re-evaluate wether the benefits of having them so involved in your life (working part-time, getting paid full-time wages, etc.)is worth all the extra hassle that comes with it. I'm not sure if you told them about your husband's affair , but if you did, and they "swept it under the rug", then having these people in your life and the lives of your children will cause long-term damaging effects. But maybe you haven't told them, and in which case, maybe you should - your call.
The reason you seem so unhappy probably has alot to do with the "emotional bullying" your husband is doing to you. Calling you "lazy", making you feel unattractive because you're not the same size as pre-baby (who of us here IS?!), and only having sex when HE says, WHERE he says.......you shouldn't have to deal with this cr*p, mama. Have you fully dealt with his affair - meaning have you gone through the process of realizing that it was NOT your fault(obviously) and working towards being able to trust him again? Sounds to me as though he has ALOT of work to do in order to become trustworthy again. If I were in your shoes, the size of my house, etc. wouldn't make me feel any better either.
Sorry, I've gotta run, but I just wanted to give you a , and tell you that you really need to sit down and think about your situation, and decide if you can live your life the way you are now. There needs to be some serious changes made, and if your husband and families are unwilling or unable to make them, then it's up to you to make them, even if that means going on with your life without these people in it.
Please forgive me if I seem harsh, not my intent, but your situation gets under my skin.
Whatever you decide, I hope things turn out the way you want them to.

China white
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#5 of 7 Old 04-27-2004, 12:01 AM
 
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You poor thing! Nobody could be happy in such a situation. If your dh is unwilling to get counselling and he continues his abusive behavior, you should really consider getting away from him. At this point, he sounds like a bad husband and a terrible role model for your sons. Maybe a separation would be a wake up call for him. You deserve to be treated with respect. I really hope your situation improves soon.
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#6 of 7 Old 04-27-2004, 12:11 AM
 
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You listed all the good things about your relationship and about him. Can you persuade him that you still respect and like him and that he should therefore come to counseling with you? Why should you have to have an unhappy marriage together like this? Can he be logical and rational about it, and pick a therapist with you?

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#7 of 7 Old 04-27-2004, 12:39 PM
 
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I just have a minute but wanted to add, someone here suggested a book called "after the affair" which is a wonderful book for working through these kinds of decisions. Really great, IMO. It might shed some light on your situation. HTH and hang in there....
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