Anyone here have a dh in recovery? - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-16-2004, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, my husband has decided to stop drinking. This is very good news for our family. He is a very "high-functioning" alcoholic. He gets up every morning on time for work, and does a good job while he is there. He is never belligerent or violent while drinking. He is a very loving and caring father to our daughter. However, up until recently, every night he has come home from work and started slamming down the beers and getting pretty drunk. Sometimes I have gotten up in the night to go to the bathroom and found him passed out on the toilet. Usually I have woken him up and made him come to bed. The last time it happened I was so disgusted I left his a** sitting there and he slept there until 3 am. He has tried to stop several times on his own, and was not successful. He has tried moderating, and it seems to be impossible for him. This has been the hardest thing for me to understand: Why can't he have a couple of beers and feel nice and relaxed and then stop there? Why does he have to keep going until he is sh*tfaced? He has not been able to answer this question. So he finally admitted that he needs help. He is in a treatment program at our HMO. I am so hoping this will work out for him. He doesn't want to do AA because the whole "higher power" thing, well that just isn't going to happen for him, unfortunately.

It seems like he is really ready to change. He wants to go to nursing school, and he understands that he needs to be coherent if he is going to do well in his classes. I am just afraid to get my hopes up because I don't want to be dissapointed. At the same time, I want to have faith in him and be supportive.

Last night after dd went to bed we sat on the couch and *talked*. It was so nice to have him actually *present*. I feel so much more relaxed and attracted to him when he is sober.

Please pray for us that this lasts. I would love to hear others' experiences with recovery.
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Old 07-17-2004, 12:22 AM
 
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Last night after dd went to bed we sat on the couch and *talked*. It was so nice to have him actually *present*. I feel so much more relaxed and attracted to him when he is sober.
Tell him so! Tell him all the positive things you love about him when he is not drunk.

I posted here when my dh & I were on the rocks from his drinking--it wasn't even every day for us, so my heart really goes out to you, mama. I grew up w/ an absent alchoholic dad...I set myself up w/ dh...tho' at the beginning he NEVER drank.

For us, it would just go on for a while, him drinking one or two beers a day at his job, four or five on Sundays, no problem, right? Except he was lying about how many he was drinking---and then driving some nights. I would actually go & pick my kids up when we were separated b/c I didn't trust him.

The cops were at our house at 2 am one night b/c he was so drunk he wore someone else's jacket home. One night he was so drunk he pissed on himself in the bathroom. One time he took out our friends fence with his van. One time he tried to get into bed drunk with me & our 15 mo old baby, called me all SORTS of names when I kicked him out, swung at his best friend.

These are all isolated over the course of 7 years, just every once in a while.

It came down to, were my kids gonna grow up watching this behavior, even every once in a while??? No, no, and no.

He hasn't had any alcohol in over a year, and we've never been happier. I am way more attracted to him (he lost 40 lbs not drinking beer), so we actually have a sex life now!

Now just to get him to get six pack abs! Just kidding

Many good vibes headed your way...be encouraging but not stifling---only he can decide his fate...
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Old 07-17-2004, 12:46 AM
 
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Dear Monkey'sMom, my dh is in recovery for alcoholism. We met when he was sober for a little over a year, and married about 5 years later. He had a relapse when dd was 2, that lasted a year, and it was the scariest time of my life.

My mother was an alcoholic, but I had never lived with my dh drinking. What worked for him was AA. Yes, he went to counseling, which was very helpful. From my experience, alcoholism is a disease. The reason he can't "have a few" is because his brain is chemically different, chemically predisposed to alcoholism.

It is also a disease of thinking and relating to other's. My dh will tell you alcoholics are very self centered people and prone to denial and self- deception. My dh has always found his sobriety with other alcoholics. He goes to meetings several times a week, and still struggles with a Higher Power (or for him, God). He is a better man, husband and father when he goes to meetings.

Al- Anon has been a part of my life for many years. I went when my mom was drinking, and I returned when Ron relapsed. Boy, did I return. I blamed everything on him...."If only he would stop drinking" plagued my thoughts (once I knew that it was happening). I had to look at myself as well. I was harbouring a lot of anger at him. I had also become very dependent on him and had to begin looking after myself again (making some friends, praying, kept a gratitude journal, etc.) It was the best thing I could have done. I love him so much and am so proud of him, but it *is* an illness.

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you and your family find peace soon. PM me if you like.

~Joan, Happy mom to 2 beautiful kiddos, one new puppy and 2 lovely felines
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Old 07-17-2004, 06:49 AM
 
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My DH is a recovered alcoholic too. He realized it was a problem almost 9 years ago, had a relapse two years ago and has been sober ever since. He also got help for his manic-depression and panic disorder. He was self medicating with alcohol.
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Old 07-17-2004, 05:03 PM
 
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Mine's in AA also...
he went several years before we met and was sober for something like four years. He was drinking socially again ("I can control it if I really want to") by the time we met, and also smoking pot. Over the next two years, it slowly escalated to the point that he was spending about $150/mo on pot and not much less on beer. I work overnight shifts and he was hiding the empties, so I didn't realize how much he was drinking. The only time I've seen him drunkdrunk was right before he sobered up again...he left a neighborhood party early and drank an entire 1.5L bottle of wine before I came home
I'd asked him to stop smoking pot before we tried to conceive, and he got a little pissy about it, which should have been a clue. As I said, I didn't realize how much he was drinking. He chose on his own to go back into AA, and it's really working for him this time. Neither of us likes organized religion, but one of the good things about AA is that it doesn't have to be the "Father/Son/Holy Ghost" Christian God that is the higher power. It says right there in the Twelve Steps that it's a higher power as the alcoholic understands it to be, which is pretty flexible. He says that's the big difference between last time and this time...he stopped drinking for years, but he never really "got it." This time he says he does.
I hope your DH is able to get the help he needs. Maybe he could try AA, even if he doesn't think it'll work for him. I doubt his concerns are anything nobody's heard before...there might be a sponsor out there who's a perfect fit for him.
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Old 07-18-2004, 02:13 AM
 
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Thank god my DH isn't an alcoholic, his dad was BIG time.

But here's my $.02 from my experience with my father, who was a high-functioning alcoholic for most of my childhood until my mother kicked him out when I was 12.

Nothing worked for him until he ACTUALLY joined AA in mind, body, and spirit 4 years ago. He's been sober every since. "Treatment" in terms of a program at a hospital and then you're done sort of thing doesn't provide the long-term support and friendships that AA does. This is what has really done it for him. At the beginning, he went every single night. Now he just goes a few times a week, and has a few people that he sponsors. The whole "higher power" thing doesn't have to be anything like a Christian God (or it can be if someone wants it to.) The whole point of that is that we are not in control of what happens in this world, especially when it comes to alcohol. And until an alcoholic relinquishes that feeling of "control", he/she won't be able to really give up alcohol - hence the whole relapse because "I can handle it, I can be in control of my drinking" midset that doesn't work.

I am so greatful to AA for giving me my father back and letting him find himself. He has friends, a job, is painting again, and most importantly, when I talk to him, I hear such life in his voice - he is so happy to be alive.

I am really glad for you and your husband that he is undergoing treatment. I just hope that he has some network of support to continue reminding him of his alcoholism and to help him help others to stop. Like how my father did talks at the detox every Tuesday for the first 2 years after he stopped drinking - to let others know how he hit bottom and what it has meant to rise from it again.

I am starting to cry as I write this; but it's happy tears. I love my father so much and when he was drinking, he was a different person. I understand what it is like to want to be happy for him but also be afriad of being disappointed. My father had quit before but he did it on his own and had no support, so he relapsed easily. I kept being afraid that he was drinking. But he wasn't, and he's still going to meetings and I feel like I can trust him now. I'm sure it will also take you a while to get to that point but try to be as supportive yet honest as you can.

Please keep us updated. Our hearts are with you.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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Old 07-18-2004, 02:10 PM
 
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I too am the wife of an alcoholic. I knew that my dh was a recovering alcoholic when we met. He had not had a drink since 1994. We were married in 97 and I never thought I would have to deal with it since he had been sober for a few years. Fast forward to 2001. We were on a family vacation and dh got into a car accident with my 2 oldest children in the car (By the grace of God, they were all unharmed). The highway patrol called and told me that my dc were being taken to the hospital for observation. Only when I got there did I find out my dh was drunk. When I asked where he was they told me jail. I did not believe it and could not for a long time. When dh called me that night, the only thing he said was "I understand if you want to divorce me." When we arrived home from vacation, one of the first things he did was go to an AA meeting. He had not been to one since his first couple of months in recovery, he said it wasn't for him. I felt that things would be OK since he was going to AA right away. He managed to stay sober for about 2 months. The next 2 and a half years were much the same. He would have a short period of sobriety and then binge. As the disease progressed, the binges got longer and the periods of sobriety shorter. He would go to meetings periodically throughout this time but never made it a priority. He would even show up to meetings drunk.
About a year ago, he went on a long and miserable binge. He was dealing with so much in his own life and the homebirth of our baby in August (something I later found out scared him to death) that he needed to escape and for an alcoholic, alcohol is the only thing that they know will work for sure. He was not present at the birth of our daughter. He was downstairs drinking while I labored and gave birth with a great support system in my bedroom. I now understand that he was where he needed to be and have come to terms with it. He took his last drink the day after our baby was born. He now attends meeting at least 3 times a week and it is truly a priority in his life. He occasionally has to miss out on family things to be at his meetings but for him, that could be a life or death situation. He honestly does not know if he could recover again, meaning if he picks up a drink he could die.


I am also a very active member of Alanon. My 2 youngest have spent many of their baby days at my meetings with what I lovingly refer to as my other family. They helped me learn how to care for myself and my children without placing blame on my husband or myself. I do not try to make him better. Only he can do that. I take care of myself first. They taught me how to detach from my husband. I love him dearly yet there are times I need to separate that love from enabling.

Through our respective groups, we are living a much better life. We have learned how to take care of ourselves which in turn allows us to care more for each other and our children. I feel that we are teaching our children a lot through our programs as well. They see how we treat each other. they see us use the 12 steps in our daily lives. they see that you do not need to drink to have a good time. they see that if you have a problem with drinking you are not alone and that there are places to go for help.

I feel like I have just done a first step meeting, anyone else?

I too recommend that your dh visit a few AA groups. If he is concerned about the higher power aspect, have him mention it at the tables and see what the other memebers have to say. He may find it to be a wonderful release as well as a great source of support. Feel free to PM me if you like. I will keep your family in my prayers. Oh yeah, check out an Alanon meeting in your area.
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Old 07-18-2004, 03:42 PM
 
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I too recommend that your dh visit a few AA groups. If he is concerned about the higher power aspect, have him mention it at the tables and see what the other memebers have to say. He may find it to be a wonderful release as well as a great source of support. Feel free to PM me if you like. I will keep your family in my prayers. Oh yeah, check out an Alanon meeting in your area.

ITA with this - my father went to several groups when he was still drinking but never found a "match" or felt that he fit in. It wasn't until he found his current group that he met people he could relate to and the meeting was held in a way that fit his personality and needs that he was able to stop drinking. And he went to several meetings in his area to find the one that fit. It is kind of lik mothers looking for other parenting groups or groups of mamas that get together. You can't stay with one where, say, everyone is one religion except you, or their parenting styles are very different, you have to find a fit and then you'll belong. Same with AA. So have him try several groups - give them a chance.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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Old 07-18-2004, 04:12 PM
 
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My dh is in AA; I am in NA. He has 8+ years, I have 6.

There are a lot of people in AA who don't like the HP thing but are afraid to admit it. It's possible your dh could meet some of them. I don't do the higher power thing; it's not a requirement for success in the program.

There are also groups other than 12-step programs. I'm not familiar with them but maybe it's something your dh could look into.
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Old 07-19-2004, 06:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much for your stories and your words of support.

Since I posted last, dh went next door to our neighbor's house, with whom he is very good friends, to play some music. (he plays guitar and our neighbor plays drums.) My daughter, who loves our neighbor, ran out the door after dh so I followed her. When I got there, dh said, "I opened a beer." I said, "What are you saying?" He said, "So you should have one too." I said, "I thought you were quitting!" He said, (sheepishly) "Well, I'm weak!" I said, "Well, I'm not participating!" and walked out, with my daughter. He didn't drink the beer, and he came back home, but then got mad at me saying I was "being mean." I said I didn't think I was being mean at all, I was not going to pretend I was excited that he was flaking out, and I certainly wasn't going to help him do it, either. He said he didn't expect me to be happy about it but I didn't have to be a jerk. Later I asked him if he wanted to talk about it some more and he said no.

The next day he was sooooo grumpy. He was like a cross between a black cloud and a porcupine. He was also extremely agitated and nervous. The doctor had told him that he was unlikely to have any withdrawal symptoms but dh says that he definately is. The doc had given him some sort of pill to take that supposedly helps minimize the withdrawal and he took one yesterday. We talked a little about the possibility of him going to AA and he said the other thing that makes him nervous about it is that he is afraid that they will try to make him feel ashamed. He has self esteem issues as it is, and he says he doesn't need this. He said he heard about another program called Lifering. Does anybody have any knowledge of this one?

Last night around the time he usually goes to the store and gets two pints, he went and bought two large bottles of Calistoga and drank those instead. He said they were "pretty good" and gave him something to do with his hands.

I am definately seeing the value in some sort of meeting, either AA or something else. He would really benefit from being around people who are going through the same thing, or who have already been through it. Since it is so hard for me to understand, I just don't know what to say or what my role is in all this. I am trying to be supportive, but to let this be his thing.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 07-19-2004, 06:59 PM
 
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I only have a sec as baby is waking up but wanted to comment on this
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We talked a little about the possibility of him going to AA and he said the other thing that makes him nervous about it is that he is afraid that they will try to make him feel ashamed. He has self esteem issues as it is, and he says he doesn't need this.
Anyone that is truly working an AA program will not make him feel ashamed. they have all been there before. It is also a very common trait of alcoholics to have low self esteem.

And why did his Dr say he would not have withdrawl symptoms?

I will try to post more later. Continue taking care of yourself.
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Old 07-19-2004, 07:22 PM
 
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AA is a scary thing...changing your life is a scary thing. Some people will challenge him there. He will need to try it out and see what he thinks. Hopefully, he will find a meeting he feels comfortable enugh at to return. It really needs to be his decision, although, I think you did the right thing by saying you didn't want to participate in his drinking. Be careful about allowing him to shift blame to you for why he drinks, doesn't drink. None of it is your fault, or responsibility. Have you given any thought to an Al- Anon meeting? I will check back...ds waiting for me!

~Joan, Happy mom to 2 beautiful kiddos, one new puppy and 2 lovely felines
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Old 07-19-2004, 07:35 PM
 
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Bless your heart mama. I know it's a hard, hard road when you live with a drinker.My DH is a very high functioning alcoholic too and that really is a curse. If they never feel the effects of the alcohol, how would they ever think to stop, ya know? He can work and do a great job. He never had a hangover. It's scarey. Him mama and dad were both drinkers so it runs in the family.
DH and I have been married for 8years. He drank a lot when I met him but I minimized it cause at the time, right after college, we were all drinking a lot. I should have gotten a clue when he got a DUI a few months before we got married. Love is blind, though, huh?? We've had a lot of fights about his drinking. And many of our worst fights happened when he was drunk and he said something stupid. I tried to get him to quit but, of course, that never works.
He's been self-medicating for so long and alcohol does temporarily take away the pain (although it do create a lot more, doesn't it!). We've tried lots of anti-depressants and counseling but none of it really worked.
For me, I was always so ashamed of his drinking. So, it often prevented me from having friends over. I didn't want them to see his wild ways or have to deal with a drunk. I think it kept me shut off a bit from the world. I would have had a lot more dinner parties and gatherings if I wasn't so worried about DH's alcohol consumption.
Anyway, it's been rather lonely for me. I didn't go to al-anon. I think I was scared that if I went and really looked at the issue, I'd be forced to leave him. I didn't want to leave. There's been so many wonderful pieces of our relationship. He's such a giving, gentle, gifted man.
Anyway, I'm happy to say that my DH is FINALLY cutting back on the alcohol. He started to realize on his own how much he was drinking and how bad that was for him. He doesn't want to numb out anymore, especially now that our DS is here. I know it will be hard but I know he's committed. There's never been a more committed man, let me tell ya. So, I have hope, at least. It's been years since I even had hope for this issue.
I have a tip for your DH. Especially in the early days of sobriety, it's important to stay away from situations and people that were associted with his drinking days. It's too tempting to hang with the same people while they're all drinking and not crack a beer too. And going to do things that he's always done with alcohol will be hard too. I think that's part of what's so hard for alcoholics. A lot of times it really takes major life changes to make sobriety stick. Just something to think about.
I'm so grateful that you started this thread. You're a strong woman to be so open with us. And you've encouraged me to share my story here. I've never told this story before. It's a blessing to share it with you all now. Please keep writing and PM me anytime.
love and light to you!

Spiral Chrissy, loving my life treehugger.gifread.gifhippie.gif, Mama to DS bouncy.gif (8/6/03), wife to DH guitar.gif, and hoping for another little bean dust.gifnamaste.gif
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Old 07-20-2004, 12:04 AM
 
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Monkeymom, I think my dh is a bit scared of AA too. He used to do it, and said that he even went around speaking to conferences, but that it 'didn't work for him'. My Dad just went through rehab & is going to meetings, we are visiting them next week & I am interested to see how they interact on this. Last visit, they were bragging about how much weight they lost to each other, how much better they feel, which could be really supportive Is there anyone you're close to that doesn't drink? That could be an invaluable resource for him to have right now...

I'm glad that you told him drinking a beer wasn't acceptable to you. I will not stand by while you ruin yourself...It was really hard to get through the first months, but it was my dh that was stubborn about it--he really wanted me to think positively about him again, b/c I was pretty disgusted. I mean, how much of this should I have to deal with in my life? Some days I just think, why can't you just drink a beer and be normal? like most other people? No, I gotta live with an addict.

I know that's mean, considering his family are all problem alcohol/drug users. I try to have compassion, but there's only so much I can take.

My dh drinks "beer flavored soda" as he calls it, the non-alcoholic st. paulies, guinness actually puts out a non-alcohol beer that's pretty good...I forget the name. I don't know if this would help your dh, but it helps my dh feel more comfortable in a drinking situation: he is a musician too (I see a pattern here!) But I play guitar & I'm not a lush! I used to be, though.

Sometimes the drunk friends cannot be dealt with...dh had a guy who was giving him drum lessons...this guy is not a good character for many reasons, but the last straw was him telling me, "oh, I'm just like dh, I need to get my head straight and not drink" on the phone, so I like him...think maybe this is good. Then he comes over & says, "I'll take a beer" ...I asked dh if he could take a drum lesson with him somewhere else but not in our house...

Just as a bright note to mention to your dh...my dh has not been drinking for a year, and his musicianship has never been better...no more nightmare nights of awful jams...he actually can keep a beat!!!!! He's so awesome, I love him so much He was listening to some old band drunken recordings, and is mad at himself now for all that time he wasted...
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Old 07-20-2004, 12:58 AM
 
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My dh drinks "beer flavored soda" as he calls it, the non-alcoholic st. paulies, guinness actually puts out a non-alcohol beer that's pretty good...I forget the name. I don't know if this would help your dh, but it helps my dh feel more comfortable in a drinking situation:
Just wanted to let you know that this is often a danger sign. The NA beer does contain alcohol (though a very small amount) and just that little bit can cause someone already heading towards relapse to begin drinking again. It can also be a sign of denial. The saying in AA is "Keep away from wet places and wet faces."
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Old 07-20-2004, 01:16 AM
 
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Anyone that is truly working an AA program will not make him feel ashamed. they have all been there before. It is also a very common trait of alcoholics to have low self esteem.
He may FEEL ashamed because people in AA don't let people get away with b&llsh*t. They know what they see because they've been there and they call people on it. But they don't try to shame anyone - it's all about being honest with yourself and with everyone else.

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Old 07-20-2004, 03:32 PM
 
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Just wanted to let you know that this is often a danger sign. The NA beer does contain alcohol (though a very small amount) and just that little bit can cause someone already heading towards relapse to begin drinking again.
N/A beer as a gateway drug? For real? Thanks for the heads up on this. I still think it can be a useful tool to stop drinking. It gives some of the familiarity in social situations without the toxifying effects.

I can see if you were gonna have a 'relapse' anyway, but I have a hard time placing the blame for the relapse on a drink that has as much alcohol as cookie batter...that vanilla extract may be a gateway drug... I'm only kidding. I'm not trying to be an ass, tnrsmom, I truly appreciate your concern, but I honestly think it could be a tool to help some people.

You would have to drink a twelve pack of it to catch the slightest buzz--thereafter, you'd be in the bathroom for the rest of the night...

My dh has been drinking beer since his alcoholic mom fed it to him at 12, and he has grown accustomed to the taste of beer. N/A beer lets him not feel like he's missing as much as he does like the taste of beer (which I can understand, I like a guinness every once in a while). The effects of alcohol are what is undesirable to us, not the taste.

In our personal situation, we have not cut off everyone we know that consumes alcohol. It is his choice to not partake, and having a N/A in a situation where he would've had a beer helps him. We have real beer in our fridge. We can't live in a bubble where we pretend nobody likes beer--it's just that he has a problem with it, and many people, including me, don't. My dh was never a bar person, maybe that's what they mean with 'wet faces & places'...I always thought 'fake it till you make it' was kinda weird too...

I think different things are gonna work for different people...as with everything, many blessings in finding the thing that works for your family...let us know how it goes, monkeysmama
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Old 07-20-2004, 05:46 PM
 
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I know many alcoholics who no longer keep vanilla extract in their homes.

There is a lot I miss about my own former addict lifestyle, but I've made a decision to just miss those things and deal with the loss. So maybe I can't hang out in a bar or be around others while they are smoking pot - oh well. I'd rather do without those things than risk a relapse.

But, some alcoholics can hang out in bars and not feel triggered, so it's different for everyone.
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Old 07-22-2004, 02:48 AM
 
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I don't know if my DH would ever consider not drinking. He is also a very high functioning alcoholic. It scares me because I have a hard time telling how intoxicated he is. He drinks every day. On weekdays, he goes to the bar for 2 hours after work before coming home. Saturdays he goes around noon and stays for several hours, comes home, sleeps, then goes back because he works there Saturday night. He leaves his truck there and takes a cab home...really obviously drunk. Then Sunday morning, he always has to go "get his truck" and stays for as longs as he can. I usually call and tell him to come home. He has no drivers license because he got a DUI before we met and still hasn't resolved this. Because he has no license, I have been unable to get car insurance for myself.

His drinking has come between us in every way possible. His friends are all drinking buddies from the bar. I used to be one of them, but things change when you have children. I got upset because he only wanted sex when drunk, and so we don't do it anymore. I am scared to leave our daughters with him after he's been drinking because I can't tell how intoxicated he is. He forgets conversations we've had. He'll even get mad at me like I'm lying about talking to him about things. I am afraid I have to leave him in order to stop enabling him. It scares me to death. I have worked so hard to make a home here for our family...I don't want to lose that.

For those of you with husbands in recovery...what caused them to turn around? How did you cope? I'll accept any advice I can get. And any hope.

Sheri - mother of Sophia (2 years) and baby Claire (3 weeks)

"The best things in life aren't things."

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Old 07-22-2004, 10:25 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Autumnschild
I don't know if my DH would ever consider not drinking. He is also a very high functioning alcoholic. It scares me because I have a hard time telling how intoxicated he is. He drinks every day. On weekdays, he goes to the bar for 2 hours after work before coming home. Saturdays he goes around noon and stays for several hours, comes home, sleeps, then goes back because he works there Saturday night. He leaves his truck there and takes a cab home...really obviously drunk. Then Sunday morning, he always has to go "get his truck" and stays for as longs as he can. I usually call and tell him to come home. He has no drivers license because he got a DUI before we met and still hasn't resolved this. Because he has no license, I have been unable to get car insurance for myself.

His drinking has come between us in every way possible. His friends are all drinking buddies from the bar. I used to be one of them, but things change when you have children. I got upset because he only wanted sex when drunk, and so we don't do it anymore. I am scared to leave our daughters with him after he's been drinking because I can't tell how intoxicated he is. He forgets conversations we've had. He'll even get mad at me like I'm lying about talking to him about things. I am afraid I have to leave him in order to stop enabling him. It scares me to death. I have worked so hard to make a home here for our family...I don't want to lose that.

For those of you with husbands in recovery...what caused them to turn around? How did you cope? I'll accept any advice I can get. And any hope.

Sheri - mother of Sophia (2 years) and baby Claire (3 weeks)
Sheri, first of all I strongly recommend you find an Alanon group in your area. The men and women there will be able to help you sort things out. Not leaving your children with him is a wise choice. Do you have anyone that could watch your 2 year old while you attend a meeting? You could take her with you but may find you are able to concentrate more if you just have the baby.

I will tell you that nothing I said or did caused my dh to get sober. It is a decision that the addict has to come to on their own. It is very hard to sit back and watch someone you love hurt themselves but I came to realize that I could not stop him from harming himself but I would not allow him to harm myself or my dcs. I left my home when my baby was just a few hours old and went to stay with my parents for a week. He was drinking a lot and being too obnoxious for me to feel comfortable here with a newborn and 4 other small children. I am not one who likes to ask for help but I learned that sometimes I just have to for our safety. It was so hard not being in my home for my babymoon like I had dreamed but it was something I had to do as he was not willing to leave the house (try reasoning with an alcoholic while they are using).

Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk. I would be more than happy to give you my phone # if you want to give me a call. Hang in there mama.
And Congratulations on the birth of your dd.
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Old 07-22-2004, 02:30 PM
 
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I second that opinion. There wasn't a thing I could do to stop my DH and his alcohol abuse. Lord knows I tried ranting and raving and pleading and pushing. I threatened to leave over the alcohol and he just told me to go. He wouldn't give it up. I stayed but it was hard. He had to decide for himself that he was abusing alcohol. I do think that the birth of our DS brought the idea forward for him. DH had alcoholic parents and he doesn't want that for his child.
For me, I had to learn to look out for myself. There were so many times when DH was there emotionally cause he was drunk. I totally can relate to your story. Please keep writing and PM me if you need anything. Sometimes it just helps to hear, "ya, I get it."
Take good care of yourself and your blessed babies.

Spiral Chrissy, loving my life treehugger.gifread.gifhippie.gif, Mama to DS bouncy.gif (8/6/03), wife to DH guitar.gif, and hoping for another little bean dust.gifnamaste.gif
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