I don't know what to do any more - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 08-17-2004, 10:04 PM - Thread Starter
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I'm just so unhappy. I hate this stupid house, it's been under construction for the whole two years we've been here. Our kitchen is barely functional and it's been this way, or worse, the whole time we've lived here. I can't even have friends over because I'm embarrassed by how we're living.

SO and I hardly talk about anything real, I haven't wanted to have sex in ages because I just don't enjoy it and I end up feeling resentful almost every time we do have sex because he's the only one enjoying it. I don't want to deprive him, but it makes me so angry! And it's not for lack of trying to please me, I just don't have that spark in me any more.

I feel like we're never getting ahead nd are always struggling. Like we're just not connecting. Last time I brought up counseling he refused and said he'd leave instead. What is with guys that they have this oversion to getting help? I know he's just as unhappy as I am.

He asked me what was wrong with me and I told him. Now he's pissed and not talking to me. He just left and ignored me when I asked where he was going. I just don't know if I can handle this any more but I don't want dd to grow up as part of a broken family. I just don't know what to do, I don't feel like we're a team. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and then sleep for a really, really long time.

Amy, mom to LadyBug, SnuggleBug and StinkBug.  Expecting BabyBug in August 2011.
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#2 of 7 Old 08-17-2004, 10:39 PM
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Have you had your period since your baby was born? I didn't get one until mine was 13 months, and others go longer. For as long as I didn't have one, I wasn't that interested in sex. The breastfeeding hormones kill libido for a lot of us. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with what's happening in bed or in the relationship.

You have a still-young baby and are in the middle of house renovations. It's all pretty stressful.

Maybe the thing to do is to reapproach the counseling thing, but talk about how you could use support as a couple in dealing with these things. It might be difficult for your dh to deal with counseling because it feels to him like he is being pathologized. Especially your complaints about your sex life, that can't feel good to hear.

Good luck sweetie. This sounds like a bad scene but it's not your whole marriage. .

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#3 of 7 Old 08-17-2004, 11:14 PM
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HUGS, you live pretty close to me, so maybe you'll feel the happy-vibes i'm sending...

i can relate to what you're going through. our living situation makes me depressed too. i'm a country gal and live in the middle of the bad area in manchester, ashamed to invite people over thinking they will judge me.
and then you describe my sexlife...wow...
on top of that i'm homesick every friggin minute of the day and wan to pack up and leave this country more than anything in the world.

you made the first step though and talked to your dh about what's bugging you. he might just not be ready to have this discussion yet. could it be that he feels you're blaming him alone for being unhappy? maybe you need to make it clear to him that you merely wanna talk about it and that this might already make you feel a bit better. knowing that he understands you and supports you emotionally...not neccesarily asking him to fix the problem.

having kids makes it harder, cause you want the happy family for them not depressed parents.

i don't have a lot of advice, just hoping your dh will come around and talk to you.
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#4 of 7 Old 08-18-2004, 03:46 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks ladies. He's working tonight and tommorow so we'll be strangers passing each other til this weekend. I think I'll use the time to write him a letter about how I'm feeling and see what comes of it. He doesn't seem to hear me when we talk, KWIM?

It's all so hard and I'm in the worst mood which makes it harder to be a good mama to the bug.

Amy, mom to LadyBug, SnuggleBug and StinkBug.  Expecting BabyBug in August 2011.
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#5 of 7 Old 08-19-2004, 09:22 AM
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oh, I can totally relate to what's going on in your life. We have been rehabbing our house since ??well, way too long. I can remember being pregnant and having to walk across open and exposed floor joists to get to the bathroom. Honestly, I can't believe that people did not call child protective services on us bc of raising our dd in such a construction zone.
Well, my house is now somewhat functional. My dd started crawling so I forced my husband to get the drywall up so she would not start chewing on exposed wires . I continue to stay on top of my dh so that he stays focused on all the construction projects (my dh would just putter his life away if he could). Also, I started therapy and meds for depression-realized I had pretty bad PPD when my dd was 1 yr. old. The combination of meds and therapy has helped greatly. And, finally, I started having friends over-regardless of how the house looked. I was feeling so isolated that I felt I had no choice but to do that. I think I was more bothered by my unfinished house than my friends. Oh, and the sex thing. Well, my dd is a little over two now and I can say that our sex life is finally getting better. I don't think that people really can understand how much a little one can drain you. The last thing I want at the end of the day is sex. Give me a warm tub followed by a bed and sleep! Most nights I still want sleep over sex! Wow..did I ramble. Best of luck with everything..it will get better. You just sound frustrated with everything. Believe me I have been there! Get out, invite people over, get rest, etc.
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#6 of 7 Old 08-23-2004, 03:02 AM
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Well, just wanted to post that I have many of the same issues, not wanting sex, non-communicative partner, hating where we live (we are in a 500 sq ft apt), feeling generally bad. Not a lot to add, other than to suggest counseling (which i need too). Just wanting to send a big hug to you.

Jennifer DH Bill '97. DS C 2/03  
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#7 of 7 Old 08-23-2004, 09:43 AM
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I just wanted to say: you can always have your real friends over. No matter what.

Also- consider going to counseling without him.
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