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Is it autism or selfishness?

2K views 20 replies 12 participants last post by  PikkuMyy 
#1 ·
Hi, Mommas
I am in great need for your opinion/advice.
We are married for about 2 years and I love my husband, but I am always wondering about my husband's mental condition(if that is autism, or if not , what is it).
He never has been diagnosed with autism, but I have very strong suspicions that he is autistic.
He doesn't have any friends, he doesn;t have a need to communicate and share, he is very SLOW to understand things, he has no interest in sex (we almost stopped having sex after I got pregnant), he doesn't have a sense of humor( not only mine observation, but many of his family members too), he is very much into routine, and he often doesn't pay attenion to what I or others say ( it makes SO DIFFICULT for us to communicate), as if his mind is always on Mars.

He claims to love me and tells me I am "the best thing that ever happened" to him, but when I am sick with fever and cannot even stand or talk, and ask him to look after a crawling baby so I could lie down, he walks away for his Martial Arts lesson.
Also when I am crying and in a great emotional pain, he walks away, leaving me crying alone.
I always feel so lonely around him, especially when he doesn't pay attention to what I say. I also feel SO REJECTED as a woman, when he looks at me with that bland look, with no sexual attraction at all(in the meantime, he tells me I'm beautiful, gorgeous and the like).
When I was pregnant, he was not supportive.
I feel that I don't have a partner, but a son to take care of.
I am in charge of EVERYTHING, except money (he has a good paying job, which allows for me to be SAHM)
I am in total charge of the baby, because he just is not interested in spending time with anyone, and pretty much by himself, doing his stuff.
I do EVERYTHING around the house - He cannot do dishes, cannot cut with the knife( cook), cannot vacuum, change lightbulb without creating an accident - I am not exaggerating, I tried many times.

The more we are married the more hopeless I become about our future. I do love him, he has many wonderful qualities(kind, easygoing, trusting, non-abusive, generous, loyal, very handsome and many more), but when I think about our life, it becomes so depressing.
Sorry for a long post, I greatly appreciate you reading it.
Any ideas, mommas? Please, help me

THANKS SO MUCH
 
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#2 ·
Yipes! My DH dated a woman who I believe has Asperger's for four years before he and I met. It does take dedication and patience. I'm friends with her and she came to visit us for a week last year, so I got to have a glimpse of what it was like. (She's a wonderful gal and we're friends, BTW)

And I have worked with children on the autism spectrum for over 4 years now and am studying it for my MA in special education. It does get hard sometimes to tell what is a lack of ability to comprehend what is going on with others and if something is deliberate. I wish I could help you with that.

What I would suggest is looking into the several books that are out there by people who are married who have Asperger's (which is what your husband must have, if he is on the spectrum), either one person or both people. They have advice for others on how to make the marriage successful. Just do a google search for asperger's and marriage.

Also, visit http://www.autismasperger.net/ - the home web page of Stephen Shore, a brilliant teacher and professor who the doctors once recommended institutionalization for. He is now married and doing all sorts of wonderful things with his life. I got to go to a workshop he taught two years ago and he was great!

Click on the "books" button and you'll see things like: The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to living in an intimate relationship with a partner who has Asperger Syndrome by Maxine C. Aston and An Asperger Marriage by Gisela and Chris Slater-Walker

Also, have you discussed this with your husband? Is he aware that he might have AS? If so, is he interested in reading more about what might be going on that would a) help him get to know himself better, and b) learn about how his behavior affects you and how he can learn to expand his "theory of mind" to include you and your child more. There are also books on Shore's website that might be very interesting for him.

Also, there was a thread not so very long ago for parents who have been diagnosed with AS -

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...s+asperger%27s

You might start a new post in Special Needs Parenting and perhaps PM some of the parents who responded to this thread.
 
#3 ·
PikkuMyy
Thanks SO MUCH,
IT was SO HELPFUL!!!
So you think that judging by my descriptions of him, he has Asperger vs Autism? I am very very interested to know what the defference is. I will also definetely check out those books you recommend.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy
Also, have you discussed this with your husband? Is he aware that he might have AS? If so, is he interested in reading more about what might be going on that would a) help him get to know himself better, and b) learn about how his behavior affects you and how he can learn to expand his "theory of mind" to include you and your child more. .
Yes, we have discussed all that a lot. He admits that there is "smth wrong with him". He admits that it is abnormal for 34 yo man to have such a low/nonexistent sex drive(although he always says lots of comliments about my attractiveness). The low sex drive was aslo a problem in his previous romantic relationships(very few).
Also he admits that his sense of humor "stinks", as he puts it. He understands very well "toilet" humor though, but that's all. He told me that all his life he was teased for his lack of sense of humor. Even his own mother called him "boring"

He knows that I am very miserable because of all that, and he says that he failed to fulfill my needs, but at the same time when I cry and am in clear need of a hug, or smth, he just walks away to do his stuff, work out and etc. As if he has ABSOLUTELY no compassion. This is such an enigma for me.
I just can't understand, how you can "love" smbd(he always tells me that he loves me and cannot live without me) and not care if that person is in great pain(he tells me he sees my pain, but still walks away as if all is fine).
We tryed going to counseling, but it was SO expensive, and not very effective.
RE: books, yes, he claims to be interested in reading that, but that is "in theory", because he usually reads what he likes only(non "intellectual" ), like sport news, martial arts. When it comes to reading books like self-help/ self-improvement/spirituality, i am very afraid he would not read them.
Should we try counseling again?

Again thanks so much for you help, I greatly appreciate it.
 
#4 ·
Sounds like Aspergers to me too. Autism is much lower functioning- doubt he would have gone undetected or ended up married with Autism. I would get a good therapist- I know, that is my answer to everything but it keeps us in business. You need to be very specific and clear with your expectations. Tell him what you need. Now that is what I tell all women, lots of women want their men to just know, just understand, just feel it. That is what girlfriends are for, men are pretty terrible at it IMO. Tell him that he needs to have sex once a week. Schedule it for Saturday night or Sunday during nap or whenever. But schedule it. He doesn't have to be hungry to eat when you know it is good for him. No matter what the diagnosis- he needs to be taught how to love you in the way you want to be loved. That is true for most relationships, yours is just kind of Special Education kind of instruction- very clear, very specific and may need repeating. Do whatever you can to get the support you need in order to not take this personally. That will be the death of your relationship.
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by yash77
So you think that judging by my descriptions of him, he has Asperger vs Autism? I am very very interested to know what the defference is.
Yes, if he had classic autism, he would not be capable of being married, etc. Essentially, Asperger's is also called High-Functioning Autism and means that while a person has many traits that people with classic autism have, they are not nearly as pervasive and interfering so that they can have a pretty "normal" life despite those traits. People with AS generally have no speech problems but they do have problems in social sitautions; intense interests in certain things that may bore other people (hence the boring comment); often are very clumsy (hence the knives, lightbulbs, etc.); are very routine and familiarity-oriented (as you said) and may have sensory issues but these don't interefere too much in their daily activities. But overall, the social interaction and communication seems to be the most significant.

Before I respond to some of what you said, I'm going to give some examples from my DH's ex so you see that you aren't alone.

1) She only likes to eat familiar foods, and really doesn't want to try new things. When she does and she doesn't like them, she can't explain why - she just says they're wierd.

2. When she was at our house, she'd just get up in the middle of whatever we were doing, say, "I'm going out for a run now," and go. I'd have some fancy meal planned and she'd eat snacks in the afternoon when she was a little hungry and then when I was getting set to prepare this dinner I'd gone to a lot of toruble to make, she'd say "Oh, that's OK. I'm not hungry." and it wasn't because she didn't like the food I was making, it just never occured to her that I might have something planned or maybe we were going to go out to eat. She was hungry, so she ate. She wanted to go for a run, so she went. She doesn't think about whether her plans will have an impact on others.

3. Once she and Dh were at a bookstore. She was tired of looking at books, so she went home. (He lived a few blocks away.) She didn't tell him, she just went. So then he couldn't find her and was looking all around, and gettin really worried about her. Finally he gave up and wnt home, and she was happily doing something by herself. When he tried to find out what happened, and tell her how worried he was, she was totally surprised and couldn't understand why he was worried. It didn't occur to her that if she left without telling him, he might think something bad had happened to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yash77
He knows that I am very miserable because of all that, and he says that he failed to fulfill my needs, but at the same time when I cry and am in clear need of a hug, or smth, he just walks away to do his stuff, work out and etc. As if he has ABSOLUTELY no compassion. This is such an enigma for me.
This is the crux of it. YOU think that you are in clear need of a hug. HE sees you crying but doesn't infer that you need or want a hug. You have to tell him. This is a big issue for people with AS. It's called "theory of mind" where one person knows that other people believe things that aren't true, or that are different from what they believe, or that people means something different than what they are actually saying or doing. There is a lot of implied social communication, context, social norms of behavior that they don't pick up automatically. So when I say in a sarcastic voice, "Oh boy, that was a GREAT movie!" you would understand that I meant the opposite. But most people with AS, unless they had been specifically taught about sarcasm, would assume that I actually liked the movie. Or when I tell my husband that he is a very bad husband while making a special face, he knows that I mean the opposite. Voice inflections, eye movements, and other gestures which add a lot of meaning to language, is hard for them to understand without direct instruction. Same goes for idioms (like "It's raining cats and dogs.") Toilet humor is very clear, easy to understand. Other types of humor often involve these other methods of communication which aren't as easy to understand. Or plays on words, which may not make sense to people with AS. In order to have empathy, you must be able to put yourself in another person's shoes. Probably in your shoes, he wouldn't want a hug, but it doesn't occur to him that since you are a different person, you do.

You have to tell him how to behave in a certain situation. You often hear guys complaining about how women expect them to know what they want. But in this case it is true. You have to tell him that when you cry, he needs to hug you. If he forgets, and you are crying, tell him. This applies to all sorts of situations. You really have to be explicit, you can't be implicit. You can't hint, you have to boldly state it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yash77
RE: books, yes, he claims to be interested in reading that, but that is "in theory", because he usually reads what he likes only(non "intellectual" ), like sport news, martial arts. When it comes to reading books like self-help/ self-improvement/spirituality, i am very afraid he would not read them.
I wasn't thinking along the lines of self-help. I was thinking about letting him read a book or two just about Asperger's in general (after you read it) - which will allow him to see how he fits into it and how some of the behaviors that bother you the most are hard for almost all people with AS. Maybe even put a star next to the issues in the book that you can see in him so that he can see exactly what you are talking about. Give him examples. And then, most books do have some ideas for how to overcome some of these social blips, as it were. He may be able to change some of his behavior based upon what he reads but it may be more an issue of you changing your behavior so that you accomodate his issues while not giving up your needs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yash77
Should we try counseling again?
I don't think I would unless you can find a counselor who is familiar with AS. Otherwise, he or she will be offering advice or discussing things that might help a typical couple but that won't be helpful to your sitaution. I bet there are some out there and if there are, I would reccomend it. I'm sure those AS marriage books will have more info on this. I think that no matter what he does or doesn't do, you should read up on AS, and read at least one of those marriage books. Then even if he is currently unable to change his behavior (although he may understand it better and be able to change in the future) you will undertand why he does or doesn't do certain things and be able to analyze problem situations in a different light and make changes for yourself that may be really helpful to both of you.

Also - I can understand his inability to play with your daughter right now because in order to play with a baby, you really need to be creative and silly. But as she grows older, and they can play actual games, read books, and do more close-ended activities, I think it will be much easier for him to do it. Have you tried suggesting certain activities to him? He may be able to do it if you give him actual games to do.

I hope this helps! I feel like parents here who HAVE AS might be of more help but since no one else is responding, I feel like I must. I'm sure, BTW, that your husband DOES love you very much and need you and thinks your attractive. But you would like him to use more conventional ways of showing those things.

-PM

ETA: I also second everything MsMoPls said - and that if you can't find a counselor familiar with AS, it would be good for you to see a counselor by yourself, bringing stuff to educate that person about AS, who might help you with what is going on with you and how you are trying to get your needs met while accomodating his issues.
 
#6 ·
You might ask DH to see his PCP and get a few blood tests run. Lots of those symptoms could also be low testosterone...also ADHD can lead to those symptoms as well...you might check out the book Driven to Distraction which is an excellent book on adult ADHD.

Keep us posted!

Happy Fall Y'all,

Jenne
 
#7 ·
to you, mama, for I could have written your post. The difference is that now I've been married for six years (two small children together), and by now I've read many books and answered all my questions about what a bizarre person my dh has turned out to be with my conclusion that he has undiagnosed aspergers. I could add so many other characteristics that are classic signs and that I'm sure would ring a bell to you, but I would end up going on forever and hijacking your thread
while severely depressing myself
...

By way of at least validating the traits you mentioned, however:

-- My dh is also very handsome, and, like so many AS men, was a girl's dream during "courtship"---gentle, unassuming, devoted and extremely loyal. With only brief relationships in his past, he seemed like a "diamond in the rough".

-- He is not only uninterested in sex, but cannot bring himself to even share a bed or bedroom. He gradually set up a bedroom of his own shortly after we married and has been there ever since. (At the risk of getting off-track, I can't even go in there because of how horribly kept it is. It stinks and there is no place to walk because stuff is piled everywhere...) He last "agreed" to sex in order to conceive a second child. (Again, by way of explanation---we had just begun marital therapy then after years of my pleading for it and I was full of hope. When I had married him and subsequently realized he might not have been everything I thought he was, my biological clock was ticking *very* loudly and I'd waited my whole life, thru education and career-building, to have children. I felt this marriage was my one chance to have a family, so I'd better follow through and be Mrs. Fix-It.)

-- He too lacks any real friends. His definition of a friend is what you or I would regard as an acquaintance.

-- When I have been very ill or pregnant and in physical distress, he has completely lacked initiative where being supportive is concerned. He will usually respond to gentle requests for help (glass of water, feeding my dog for me, etc.) but there has been no comforting or caretaking. Those times have been among the lowest points in my life, until some women friends from where I used to live swooped in and scraped me off the ground.


-- He too lacks empathy, even when the need for it would seem universally obvious. *Four days* after my closest woman friend, a fellow mother, lost her life two years ago, he said to me, "Um, don't you think you should move on..?"

-- He too lives in his own world pursuit-wise, doesn't appear to understand the dynamics of cooperation or teamwork/play, or of reciprocal communication towards an end. He has basically two narrow, life-long interests, and has no real interest in conversation unless it is about those topics and he is doing all of the talking. (MAJOR signs of AS.)

-- He doesn't appear to hear me most of the time when I initiate verbal communication, and constantly walks away in the middle of conversations.

-- He seems to need me to "run the show" in almost every way, and refuses to make decisions of any kind. I too feel generally like I'm raising an extra child---only my kids learn faster and with less resistance to new information.

-- And like your dh, he is accident-prone and appears to lack common sense in his approaches to things. *Everything* he tries to fix goes awry or breaks somehow. It's truly amazing.

Although it didn't come naturally to him, and I have MAJOR issues with his grasp/practises of safety/prevention and hygiene, he *is* a loving and hands-on father, however, so I count my (and my children's!) blessings for that. He does seem to have transferred his devotion for me to his daughter, in fact; it's as if he can't love us both. Or maybe it's just that, like his mother, whom he adores and talks to more than he does to me, our daughter gives him unconditional love.

Indeed, what we share and what keeps us together is our love for the children (for him, it's especially our daughter). I would never do anything to jeopardize the relationship the two of them have, especially for my little girl's sake, so until I can win the lottery and buy him a house next door and force a divorce, I'm pretty much here to stay. (Or until they carry me away because I've finally lost it and gone mad from living with him.)

Beyond what the others have said, I would add that the fact your dh acknowledges that he is different is a huge plus and indicates hope for you to move forward in your marriage. (My dh refuses to even discuss it, and in fact refuses to see a doctor for anything at all.) Any advice I offer can only be based on my own situation, which is somewhere between bouts of regret-based depression for marrying him and feeling I must stay for my children's sake, and soldiering on while telling myself that being a single mother would be even worse for all concerned.

But I would like to say: PLEASE build and maintain your outside support system. It's what saves me and keeps me remembering that I'm sane. *Always* make sure you have people in your life you can turn to for moral and emotional support, for normal conversation, for practical help. Then use them. Real friends will be glad to be there for you, and will let you return the favour/support as well.

I know there are others out there in our shoes (mama7x? are you here?)... Maybe we should start a support thread for those with spouses who have Aspergers/spectrum disorders. What do y'all think?
 
#8 ·
I don't really know much about autism, but I just wanted to add my two cents as someone who is married to a man who was diagnosed ADHD after several years of marriage. My husband was also very unsympathetic when I was ill, devoted little effort to the friendship aspect of our marriage, and couldn't seem to do a single household chore without an accident or a disaster. He also took no initiative towards our social life as a family, and seemed to find caring for the children a huge burden, although he was always a loving dad. He was raised by his mother, who is an unaffectionate, selfish person, so I suppose he didn't learn good relationship skills at home. I was young when I married him, and didn't realize how much he was lacking as a partner, but as I got older I realized I could not live in such a marriage.

With two young children and feeling like it would be easier to be a single mother without an ADHD husband to ignore/argue with me and make messes, I decided to separate from him. He told me I was a heartless jerk for not understanding his problem. I told him I loved him, but just couldn't live with him, and started plans for separation and divorce.

Well, now he is like a different person. He is in therapy. He pays much more attention to me, makes plans for us to do family stuff, takes very good care of the children when I need time for myself, and does not make messes and expect me to clean up after him. He also has stopped making excuses all the time, and apologizes when he makes a mistake or is insensitive. He is a much more pleasant person to live with. He's a real partner now, not like an irresponsible roommate.

My husband does seem like a quirky, spacey kind of guy, but when it came down to it, I guess he was able to get control of himself in order to save our marriage. I guess what I'm saying is, even if your husband is diagnosed with a neurological issue, it doesn't mean that he can't take personal responsibility for his marriage and the children he brought into the world. With help, he might be able to learn appropriate behavior. Or if he can't, then it's not wrong of you to decide that you need a partner that can really be there for you. I know that marriage isn't a walk in the park everyday, but having your emotional and romantic needs ignored over a long period of time is not okay in a marriage--it's abuse.
 
#9 ·
Rosiesmama - I just wanted to mention that at least in the case of the OP, it's not a case of abuse because the problem is that her husband isn't ignoring her needs - he doesn't realize they exist. He doesn't know that she needs a hug and walk away - he didn't realize that she needed a hug at all. That's one of the huge issues with Asperger's - behavior that would constitute really unacceptable behavior in someone without Asperger's is coming from a very different motivational point in someone with Asperger's so you can't judge it in the same way.
 
#10 ·
I'm sorry, like I said I don't know much about autism. I hope that the original poster's husband can get some kind of help. But if there is no therapy available for his problems, I am wondering if he should be married. I believe that marriage is for better or worse, sickness or health, and I wouldn't leave my husband if he was physically disabled or suffering from mental illness, but I think it's got to be a partnership on the whole. I can understand if her husband is insensitive and he can't help it, but if she asks him to stay home and help care for the baby when she's sick and he goes to karate class anyway, then he should listen to her. She is being very specific about what she needs from him, and he is still choosing to walk out the door. If he can hold down a job, then he should be able to follow basic requests like that from his wife. I definitely think getting testing done to figure out exactly what's going on would be the first step to understanding what to do in the marriage.
 
#11 ·
One thing I've found helps when my dh 'can't' hear me or chooses not to, is to write it down, and give it to him. You could print out your post here, or write him a letter. It's so easy to just let someones' words wash over you, and then go on about your business. A letter is tougher to hide from.

He works? If he can hold a job, he has the ability to hear you and follow directions. THings like asking for help with the baby, etc. I'd let him wash the dishes, even if he broke them all, and he could vacuum and knock things down, and then fix whatever he broke.

He needs a diagnosis. He has to go to a doctor and be seen. If he's diagnosed, then you can both learn how to help him. If it's found he's not suffering from an illness, you can deal with his problem differently. Do not try to diagnose him yourself! It's too hard and you're too close to him to see things clearly. Do insist on medical care.

Therapy can be expensive, look for someone who offers a sliding fee scale. It's not as expensive as divorce lawyers and your emotional health.
 
#12 ·
mama.
My dh is currently going in for diagnosis and treatment(when diagnosis is complete) they are leaning towards ADD. But reading yuor post I think you are married to my husband.
There have been SO many times that I wanted to come post about my dh here but I didn't because I judt didn't want it to be real. You have guts and I admire that. I think your dh is one hell of a lucky guy to have you!
Everyday I feel like life as a single mother would be easier than taking care of a husband with special needs. I also have 4 y.o twins who have special needs as well. The days are long and hard and I feel mostly resentment to him fo rnot being an equal, but then I feel guilty for feeling that because it is not his fault! I cannot even let him take the kids out on his own because his safety reagrds for them are NON existent. He has driven away one too many times without my kids strapped in thier safety seats. Ok I have to stop or I could go on like a tap. I don't want to highjack your thread.Sorry. I want you to know you are not alone mama

I hope you can find out what truely is going on with him. You could start with your family doctor.
 
#13 ·
Aperger's is just high-functioning autism without a speech delay. It's completely inaccurate to say that an autistic adult will be non- or low-functioning and it's also pretty offensive.

I interact with a lot of high-functioning adults on the spectrum, including urklepapa. Honestly I find them unbelievably irritating a lot of the time. But it's not a tragedy, it's just a different way of being in the world.

http://www.neurodiversity.com/

http://www.autistics.org/

for more info.
 
#14 ·
I'm pretty sure ppl aren't trying to be offensive here urklemama.
In reading this thread it is also very difficult for me becuase in my head I think that someday somebody may feel this way about my sweet baby girls. It totally breaks me heart. I also understand that there are some here who are learning about this in thier lives, and when you learn you make mistakes along the way. That is the best way to learn IMO. I try hard not to be offended unless the poster/person is obviously trying to be. In this htread I will try to continue to speak as a partner to someone who has special needs and not as a mother to children who have them. This needs to be a safe place to land with tonnes of support.

Your links are great BTW!
 
#16 ·
Thank you for bringing that up, Urklemama. One thing wrong in my posting was that I didn't define what I meant by "classic" autism - and I left out the quotes. I was thinking of the kind of stereotypical picture people get when they think of an adult with autism - and it's usually a low-functioning person. But you are right, there are many people who have regular autism, not Asperger's and are very high-functioning.

And I am constantly trying to make people see how wide autism can be - since many of the generalizations don't apply to many people, like my student, who is very aware of his emotions, and the emotions of others, loves to be touched, is very social, etc. despite a diagnosis of moderate autism with mild to moderate mental retardation.

And, to keep reminding myself of this, I hear my student's father saying "I hate it when people who think they are experts say 'Kids like (student's name)...and go on to make generalizations that don't apply to him in any way." But it's hard to maintain a balance of giving people some general ideas without giving generaliztions. Whew!
 
#17 ·
MOMMAS,
I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT, WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!


I totally agree about the need for outside life and support. It's like life and death importance.
(I wish I knew how to quote many different quotes in one post,( does anybody know?) - so I could reply to every post).

I also absolutely agree with you that if he can hold a job he can stay with a baby while I am sick. BTW he is EXTREMELY responsible at his job. He is an orchestra musician. His initial dream was to be a soloist, but for obvious reasons, it proved to be impossible. In order to be a soloist he has to be the opposite of himself( passionate, creative, taking charge, aggressive,intuitive, having LOTS of imagination, but most importantly to be able to transform life experiences, emotioms, passions, pain and etc in music). Since he is a section musician(where 10-15 people play the same part - NO ROOM for creativity - they really have to match each other playing), he is doing very well.
Also, as in ROSIESMAMA's case,when he really really wants smth, he IS capable of at least making his upmost effort to change. He actually is very succcesful when he tries his upmost(paying attenion, f.e.) .
I have no doubts that that he has AS, but as PIKKUMYY said it is difficult to tell where is AS and where is just plain slack.

JENNE, he checked his testosterone - it's OK. I don't think he has attention problems alwayas. I think it's rather "selective"-
when it comes to aikido, hockey, and counting measures in music - he is quite attentive.

Also I wanted to mention that I was very emotionally abused by my mom.It was only 2 of us( my parents divorced) without any relatives. Dad lived far away, and there was not too much contact.She was unattentive to me, emotionally cold, very verbally abusive, she said" how could anybody love you?", "You are not worthy me talking to you" and supporting her sayings by giving me silent treatment for weeks. She said I was a Monster , and stuff like that.
It still hurts to think about all that, but I guess when my DH does not pay attention to me and what I say, it reminds me a lot about my mom. And triggers a fear if i might indeed be "unworthy" of any attenion.
Intellectually, I understand that everybody IS "worthy", but emotionally I become devastated.

I think it was a terrific idea to start a thread for partners of AS. Please, let me know where do you think we should place it.

Again, Mommas,
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR YOUR SUPPORT!
 
#18 ·
Seemingly OT.. So hear me out..

I have known my dh since I was a child.. We met when I was 9-10 years old.. He has always been different.. Didn't have alot of friends.. Socially inept.. A couple of years ago I read an article in "Parents" magazine of all places about Asperger's.. And it totally clicked into place.. It was my DH as a child.. He is in the fields most associated with adults with AS.. He has a degree in engineering, and works with computers (repair) and programming now.. He works best on his own.. He works best with small companies.. His supervisors allow things that they allow from no one else because he gets programs done early and in less time than is neccesary, but he works soooo unconventionally..

My family of birth and step family is into theatre.. We are very outgoing.. My Smom took my husbands ways as rude.. He isn't.. Rude is when you are trying to do something mean.. He just doesn't get it..

I had to explain to her that the part of our brains we use to connect feelings and facial expression and body language he just doesn't have.. It's not there.. It isn't plugged in.. He doesn't realize it.. IT's just not there..

He doesn't know that I NEED him to be there when I am in labor.. So.. Since I need someone when I am in labor and I want him to be at the birth of our children, I have another friend there who I trust who supports me.. It isn't something he is capable of.. Just as he doesn't ask me to do things I am uncapable of..

He does feel things deeply.. He simply isn't capable of articulating those things to me.. Or anyone else... I am trying to guide him to be a more rounded father.. That it requires interaction for our chidlren to grow into healthy people emotionally.. He wasn't so great when our oldest was an infant.. We have had many talks about what I expect of him as a father.. He works on it.. He really does.. It's hard for him.. It's important to him as well.. So he does try very hard.. And he is getting better..

I know for my DH part of the issue is that he didn't have a father.. Not really.. And the one he did have until he was adopted by his stepdad was the poster child of what a father SHOULDN'T be.. So even then.. He didn't have an example of what a father or husband should be.. It's hard to be something you've never seen no matter who you are..

I would suggest writing a letter to your dh.. Also.. If I REALLY want to communicate with my dh (this worked especially well when we started dating, and now I don't NEED to do it as often) I would turn off the TV or radio, and sit on his lap straddleing him face to face so he HAD to deal with me right then.. He had to hear me.. It worked for us..

Best of Luck Momma..

Warm Squishy Feelings..

Dyan
 
#19 ·
Oh, mama, I hear your distress. I won't hijack the thread either with my own stories, but the ONE thing that has kept me going the last ten months or so since DH acknowledged his Asperger's was a therapist of my own. (He refuses to see one) She has been my lifeline, assuring me that I am a sane, well adjusted and caring person who is in a marvelously tough situation.

If you have the means, get thee to a caring therapist! Just to talk, to be listened to; to be acknowledged and heard.

It is so difficult when you are emotionally attached to someone who just doesn't "see you."

The advice about writing things down is good. My dh asks me constantly to "write it down" for him. Verbal interaction is too confusing, too fraught with meatphors, and facial expressions and nuances. Yesterday he said, after a BIG fight in which I tried to get across how unsupported and alone I am feeling in this pregnancy: "I'm sorry Ang, I hear you, but its all nouns and verbs. I don't really understand. It's always been this way." Sigh. Big sigh.

It was a major breakthrough in our marriage (and the most frightening, unsettled time of my life,) when he finally disclosed how his world is.

Up till then, I explained his behavior as selfish, uncaring, too busy with his job, stubborn, you name it. All bad traits. He's really not. Mostly. Mostly, it is the AS, and he can't help it. We have a 9yo son, formally diagnosed, and he is his father's boy.

I tell myself this sometimes, when its really rough: I am like a book. And he is unable to read.

Don't know if your husband has AS. My advice is to proceed gently, but try to proceed with more formal diagnosis. It might not be possible, and you may just end up, like many partners, knowing that this is what you are both dealing with without a "formal diagnosis."

I love the idea of a forum for partners. God knows we feel so isolated, doubt ourselves, struggle everyday. It means so much to just be connected and to be heard- things that are so lacking in our everyday lives. (Hi Under the blue rug- missed you) And its so easy not to take care of our own emotional needs. Let's do it!

Feel free to PM me anytime. Otherwise, know that there is a community of women who are trying like you to sort this stuff out. Hugs to you, mama!

- Ang.
 
#20 ·
It does indeed sound like Asperger's. A few years ago, my own marriage almost broke up due to my DH's behavior. Then, my son was diagnosed with Asperger's and the light went on in our heads - DH has it (never formally diagnosed and refuses - he doesn't care to have a "label").

Honestly, every day almost is a struggle. I am so neurotypical and it is HARD for me to be married to an AS man.

There is a great Delphi forum for AS Partners:
http://forums.delphiforums.com/n/mai...rtners%2Fstart

(Hope that works)
 
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