Sexual Fantasies(both of yours) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 34 Old 01-02-2005, 04:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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On our very long road trip back home we got to talking about sex, stuff we've seen, etc. We finally got around to sharing our sexual fantasies. We have alwasy had a pretty healthy sex life and have done plenty BUT we have never actually discussed each others sexual fanatasies until now.WE had a common fantasy and then one that I kind of suspected because it's what most men want. I'm not surprised by any of them and there wasn't anything there that made me upset.So, My question, have you ever actually went through with each others sexual fantasies?Did it improve your sex life any?Hurt it? What do you think of playing out fantasies?
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#2 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 03:13 AM
 
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First, I love your sig. Malcom is an awesome show.

Second, not really. I've shared a couple, wife hasn't shared any. I'd love for her to do so, but I don't think I'm as inviting as I'd like to be about it.
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#3 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 12:41 PM
 
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#4 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 04:35 PM
 
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We've shared them but we'd never act on them just because bringing a third person into our intimate relationship would be just too weird for the both of us.
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#5 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 04:42 PM
 
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It depends on hte fantasy. Some are easy and it can be fun to help each other make them reality. Others, you have to think long and hard on whether you could really be comfortable with it, during hte act and after. Anything involving other people will be much more complicated, you have to both know you could live with the other person after. Talking about stuff that you wouldn't really do can still be fun too.
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#6 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 04:49 PM
 
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I've tried, but DH claims he has none :LOL

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#7 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Why is it that most men's fanatasies involve two women????

Aside from that just plain old fanatasies that don't involve other people. Like having sex outdoors, or in an elevator or something?
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#8 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 06:39 PM
 
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shared many, acted on several.

My dp and I have pretty good communication about this stuff and are both unrepentant perverts, so it works out ok.

There's some stuff I'd like to explore whn dd is older and can spend the night elsewhere (or we can)...but I'm in no hurry.
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#9 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:10 PM
 
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:LOL pretty much like Sadie here (I knew I liked her for a reason) yep unrepentant perverts here too

Yes we have talked about them, in fact I'd guess pretty much all of them. Well all of them for sure on my part and we have acted on many of them, some of them not quite yet but only because the timing hasn't been right.

it has only brought us closer, never caused any problems.
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#10 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:11 PM
 
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#11 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:21 PM
 
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oh perverted one :LOL
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#12 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeca
My question, have you ever actually went through with each others sexual fantasies?Did it improve your sex life any?Hurt it? What do you think of playing out fantasies?
I honestly do not want to offend ANYONE by what I am about to share but I DO want to share my opinion if that is okay.

I think it is unwise to have a sexual relationship with anyone but your spouse. Marriage is sacred, imo.
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#13 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:41 PM
 
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I do not want to come across as a prude, either. See I have had my share of wanting to go elsewhere but I have turned away from that and into what is going on in my heart. I journal a lot about it. I just keep coming back to the sacredness of intimacy.

Just my thoughts and opinions.
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#14 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:45 PM
 
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Fortunately, I'm not married.

heh.

Sorry, just yanking your chain a little bit.



anyhoo, lots of fantasies don't involve other people. Most of what my dp and I have explored involves just the two of us. I'm not sure if role playing counts as other people.

: (TMI I'm sure)

I respect your approach to your marriage; and other folks have agreements and arrrangements that are right for their relationships. Playing out fantasies can be a halthy part of a healthy relationship.
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#15 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:57 PM
 
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Yanking my chain?

I am not easily yanked, though.

Just so you know, I really do not sit here in shock of anything shared or not shared. I just have thought and journaled a lot about this and have realized much about myself in doing so.

And I wanted to answer Jeca's post.

P.S. SS--where does your name come from? It is catchy.
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#16 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 08:59 PM
 
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:LOL I was gonna say the same thing as Sadie, there are lots of other fantasies besides ones that include others. Too each their own (or not) :LOL
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#17 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 09:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by enchanted
Yanking my chain?

I am not easily yanked, though.
:LOL

I swear I didn't even do that on purpose... :LOL
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#18 of 34 Old 01-03-2005, 09:51 PM
 
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We act out fantasies all the time without problems. Some we just have to pretend because they would be too dangerous to really do or they involve other people and we aren't into tht IRL.

But, we are perverts too.

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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#19 of 34 Old 01-04-2005, 08:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't really mean with other people although I am curious if anyone here has actually done that. I think alot of guys fantasize about two women but that's not the sole of my question. Many men's fantasies may involve things that you didn't even realize your man was into(think desperate housewives TVshow).

So fantasies could be bondage, cybersex, outdoor sex, sex in public, some men like to dress in diapers, etc. IThere are lots of things that I am NOT willing to do and some things that I have never even thought of doing. I'm just wondering how much of a healthy sexual relationship envolves fantasies and if anyone has actually tried to fulfill each other 's. I don't know why we have never really discussed it in depth before but it's just now coming up. Also as an example if your partner's fantasy is to tie you up and spank you or something and you actually do it something like that can hurt your relationship depending on how you felt about it or help if you find you have a common like of it. Is that any clearer?

As far as sex with other people. I don't know. I can honestly say I have fantasized about two men before . As far as it being a good idea. Relationship wise I agree with enchanted it seems a bad idea for a marriage. Now as far as your sexual relationship that's another story
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#20 of 34 Old 01-04-2005, 08:54 PM
 
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i regularly read Savage Love, a sex advice column by Dan Savage. You could try to Goolge him. His column runs in many alternative weeklies around the country, and he's an editor of the Stranger in seattle.

He is queer, and he gives sex advice for queers, straights, bi's, poly folks, momogamous folks, etc. and if you were able to find an archive, I know he has spent a lot of column space talking about how to safely indulge fantasies. By safely I mean physical safety and emotional safety.

His columns are quite explicit, but I think that's good, especially if you have an explicit question.

My take on it is that you need to have open, honest, and explicit discussions about things before you try anything challenging. It can be hard if you're unused or uncomfortable with explicit sex talk. But it can also be a big turn on. Another thing, if you are planning to do ahny sort of role playing or "pretend" situations, is to have a "safe word." that's a word that wouldn't usually come up, and that means, wait, stop, let's step back and check in. this is especially important with stuffwhere saying "no, stop," might be part of the fantasy.

So, nothing explicit allowed here but there is sooo much out there to help you negotiate getting into acting out fantasies in safe and fun ways. (the trick with looking for stuff online is getting what you're looking for and not a lot of gross porn)

woo-hoo, here's to better sex for more people, more often!!

how's that for a new year's resolution???

oh, also check out http://www.altsexcolumn.com/. this is a local sex advice columnist, and she's a bit less explicit than Savage Love, but still pretty good, sane advice about sex stuff.
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#21 of 34 Old 01-04-2005, 08:56 PM
 
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Well like I said before I don't think there's any harm in acting out fantasies. It can bring you closer and be a good time. Just both be sure first, and really think about it. Like others I think anything involving a third party is not a great idea to actually do, but can be fun to, um, talk about. Other stuff depends on your comfort level. Like if one wants locking handcuffs but the other isn't really comfortable with that, maybe silk scarves would do, kwim? As long as you can communicate well about it, and stop if it's not working for one of you, and laugh it off as a not-so-great experiment if it doesn't work out, then where's the harm? I think especially if you're with someone you intend to stay with long term it's a good idea to shake things up once in a while
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#22 of 34 Old 01-04-2005, 09:23 PM
 
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There is tons of info out there (which I can't talk about here) on how to negociate such things. Obviously neither party should do anything that they don't want to. The emphasis has to be on consent, trust and good communication. Obviously what is acceptable for a person can and does change over time so it's good to revisit the issue as time goes by. A list of likes, maybes (under the right circumstances) and definate no's should be covered.

Generally if there is good communication and general understanding of safety issues (like don't make the gag so tight I can't breathe) and it's consentual (I agree with Sadie about having a safeword) then you should be pretty safe. But IME to really push the limits you have to have excellent trust between you.
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#23 of 34 Old 01-04-2005, 09:30 PM
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None of my fantasies can really be adequately carried out in the monogamous married relationship we have :LOL .

For example, it's not probable that Gary Sinise is ever going to bump into me in a New York bookstore, fall instantly in lust, and insist on bearing me off to his enormous gorgeous apt. to screw the hell out of me for hours
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#24 of 34 Old 01-05-2005, 01:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, I think the last few PP touched on what I needed to hear, thanks.
I have no problem talking sex, talking dirty or even doing a few perverted things having BTDT. BUT, we have never specifically talked fantasy. Like him saying I want you to tie me up and put on what of those dominatrix outfits and smack me around or something. KWIM? Whatever happened. Hearing very little dirty detail on what some wants to do or done to them has taken me a little by surprise. While I may try almost anything at least once don't know how I may feel about somethings while in the process or afterwards. Okay, I am making no sense.
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#25 of 34 Old 01-05-2005, 03:55 AM
 
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I can relate a little bit with each of you, and I feel very strongly about what enchanted said about staying true to your spouse. If you arent married and you and your partner are open about it, more power to you. I have a definate fantasy that seems to be gaining intensity...it involves being with another woman and sharing that experience but just once.... I have been open with my DH about this fantasy so he knows it exists, but it is not something I could ever ever act upon because I care so deeply for him and I think in the moment it would be too traumatic for me to do something with anyone other than him...I fantasize about it alot, but I think it is just that...a fantasy. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be unfaithful to him, even with a same sex experience and even if it involved him. I just couldnt do it, not just for my personal moral reasons but because I love him that much that my body could never be anyone elses. So I play the fantasy out in my head and it turns me on more than my wildest dreams...but like I said, its just that...a fantasy. I should also mention, he has absolutely NO desire to act out fantasys with anyone other than me....even if it was me and another girl. I feel fortunate that he is in the minority of most men with that, but I also know I am extremely lucky that he loves me so perfectly that he doesnt even want to imagine sharing me. I really dont want to sound arrogant by saying that, its just that our relationship truly is unique and somehow I really did get lucky to find a man who loves me endlessly and selflessly. I think the point I was trying to make before I got carried away with TMI, was that my same sex fantasy has allowed me to understand my own body ten times more than ever before and in turn, has helped me to feel not only more secure but more trusting in sharing my fantasies with DH. Because I know my body so well now, it has made our sex life skyrocket. ok ok ok.....entering the red zone of TMI......

With all of this said, I also wanna say that I had a pretty tulmotious first marriage where on a few occasions I was forced to participate in my ex's sick fantasies. I never thought I would have a healthy sex life again much less be capable of trusting someone with my own most private and intimate thoughts....but I did...and thats a miracle. We have a very healthy sex life and he has been so gently and loving that I have actually felt safe and secure enough to open myself up to some of his fantasies, which long ago I would have said "eeeeeeewwww" to, but its different with him and after experimenting, found that I actually dig his fantasies alot too. Almost every time DH and I are "together" it somehow feels like the first time again and there is always a new feeling we get....it has never been routine or predictable...and I guess that is what has kept us mating like bunnies

Im still sorta new to MDC....so if I crossed the line with my TMI..please let me know.....I feel a bit humbled about sharing so much but I KNOW on this forum there has to be a handful of people who understand what I am trying to say :LOL
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#26 of 34 Old 01-05-2005, 03:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WithHannahsHeart
For example, it's not probable that Gary Sinise is ever going to bump into me in a New York bookstore, fall instantly in lust, and insist on bearing me off to his enormous gorgeous apt. to screw the hell out of me for hours
Yeah, probably not. Okay, now I am off to look up Gary Sinise....
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#27 of 34 Old 01-05-2005, 03:34 PM
 
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Is this Gary Sinise ?
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#28 of 34 Old 01-05-2005, 03:45 PM
 
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Marsupial--- That was a beautiful post. It wasn't TMI at all.

I really have no opinion of what married couples do between their sheets. I haven't really thought about it in a way where I would make a blanket statement. We haven't included any toys or fantasies in our relationship and I really don't want to partly because I want to enjoy my dh's maleness fully.
I think this takes time.

I have thought about an affair and hence, concluded that it isn't wise and journaled about it and what is going on in my heart. I think journaling about it has helped me to see a lot in my marriage and in my heart.

Anyway, I ran across a cool quote by someone named Madeline L'Engle. I have never read her stuff but I think she's a children's author. Anyway, it was in a preface to a CS Lewis book at the library and she said something like journaling has helped her not to take things out on her family and friends. That really struck me. I think that puts it well for me and it made me think about how much mroe I wishe I'd journal about things instead of saying my assumptions or pains so quickly. Anyway, I have digressed.

I have had sex in public. Well, a public place, that is. Dh and I were in a library (oh I can't believe I did this) and we went into a study room and enjoyed each other. Then there was the train to NY. This was all before children you know. : NO one ever caught us and I am not sure we'd do it again b/c now having children has made us think about consequences. In retrospect...I am glad no one, esp. no children, walked in on us.

Outdoors? What a great idea. Now how can we do that without getting seen? Let me think......
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#29 of 34 Old 01-05-2005, 04:11 PM
 
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Enchanted You havent digressed at all....I understand EXACTLY what you are saying about journaling. I am a writer by nature, more than anything else that comes to me...IM not saying Im good, but what I mean is words flow from my fingers and I have no problem (usually) putting whats in my mind to my fingers and writing about it. Journaling has made me see parts of myself I otherwise never could have even considered. I have tried blogging, and I do keep up a blog, but even with a blog, there are such intimate and personal details that come flowing out and sometimes Im too in touch with myself to make those thoughts public. I think it would beheave me to start journaling about my fantasy that I know I would never carry out...maybe I have kept that locked up enough. DH supports my journaling as well as my privacy with it, even though I share alot of it with him sometimes. NOw thats my man.

I've also done the library thing also.....when DH and I were dating. It was a thrill but afterwards I got slightly furstrated because I wanted to lay there and enjoy the moment with him but we had to scramble and get dressed and pick up some of the books that we knocked over.

I really am a modest person...but in reading some of this and the things that go in my head sometimes, I have to question my ability to make a sound decision if DH ever proposed some sort of outdoor dealio.
:LOL He makes me weak in knees with just a glance

One thing that we have always joked about, but I wonder how much of a joke is it.....is locking the door at my midwives office, setting up the stirrups and..... :

I think ive blabbed too much :
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#30 of 34 Old 01-05-2005, 04:35 PM
 
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GASP. Your midwife has stirrups?

Well, I like your idea of how to use them.
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