Post-affair marriage or divorce? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 57 Old 02-26-2005, 03:55 AM
 
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My husband had an affair back in 1999-2000 with a younger girl from work. I went with my gut reaction and threw him out. He obviously moved in with her. I was resigned to getting divorced and life as a single mom.

About a month later, he wanted to come back and begged forgiveness. I got us into marriage counseling immediately. We went together for over a year. It was a lot of ups and downs, and many tears. However, in our case, had I not worked it out, we wouldn't have DS#2, who was conceived after we recommitted to our marriage.

If you want things back the way they were, well they can't be. Things will never ever be the same as they were between the two of you. However, if you and he both want it bad enough, you can embark on a new and different marriage journey together now. I have to tell you that I can now trust my husband 99.9% of the time, but he has a cell phone and is always ready to let me know where he is and what he's doing. Things aren't the same here, but then again, they were pretty dysfunction and what we have now is much better.

I thought back then that I'd never see a day in the rest of my life that I wouldn't think about DH and what he did, and think about the other woman. Well, I can gladly tell you now that I don't think about it every day. I don't feel instant rage anymore when I think about it. I've made as much peace with that part of my life as I can.

A book that our counselor recommended was "After the Affair." It addresses this subject as impartially as can be expected and is a great resource. I truly wish you lots of luch and happiness no matter what you decide
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#32 of 57 Old 02-28-2005, 09:31 PM
 
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How about another perspective?
I cheated on my dh after we had been together for ten years, but didn't have kids yet (now we have two) and have been together almost 20 years.
I didn't tell him about it for years and then I couldn't stand myself any more and told him. Some say telling him was selfish--that I should have kept my mouth shut--and maybe they are right.
I don't know if DH ever thinks about it anymore--but I do. And I do because I regret every single instant of it.
I wish I had never done it, I regret the whole thing, and I have no real excuses for my behavior, except to say that I was in a VERY bad place in MYSELF.
Frankly, I am lucky that that he put up with me. Our kids are great, our marriage is OK (not terrific, but I think that's because I have NEVER forgive myself and wear it pretty hard--that's not his fault), and we are in a pretty decent place now.
It really depends on you and your husband to make the call. If you think he regrets it, then by all means, try to work it out. Infidelity does not have to be a deal-breaker. It just depends on what you think you can live with in your heart and where you think you might be able to take the relationship from where you are now.
Wish you well.
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#33 of 57 Old 02-28-2005, 09:57 PM
 
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First of all,
I know what you are going through, my ex cheated on me numerous times in our 6 year relationship and it has left me with emotional scars that feel as though they will never heal. i have a very difficult time trusting my new dh, even though he has never done anything remotely to betray my trust and this has caused problems in this relationship with my insecurity issues.
You need to ask yourself, do you want to be with someone who values you so little that he would be with another woman when his child has just been born? Do you want to be with someone who made you feel this way? Do you think that you will ever be able to trust him again? Will you second guess his every move and wonder what he is doing every second of every day? Will you be wondering if you are doing/saying the right things to "keep" him by your side?
I left my man and I have NEVER EVER regretted it, even though during my decision process I wondered how me, and my children would survive. We survived and we are much better for it.
You need to value yourself as a person, because nobody deserves to be treated like dirt.
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#34 of 57 Old 02-28-2005, 09:59 PM
 
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This isn't a personal story, but it's something that's affected me a lot and I think about often.
A good friend's husband cheated on her. She told him that if he did it again, she'd leave. He did, and she did. I thought for a few years that she was the rockingest woman for standing up for herself when she was a woman who didn't aways put herself first.
However, in the greatness of time, I have seen she is miserable. So is he. He married the affair woman and is raising her kids. But he still pines for his first wife. And she misses him greatly.
Given hindsight - I think they should have given it more time. Either things would have gone downhill and she wouldn't miss him, or they'd have patched things up. She wouldn't be left wondering and wishing and missing him.

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#35 of 57 Old 03-01-2005, 07:42 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are going through this.

I don't know if my husband cheated on me during my second pregnancy, but I do know he went eight months without touching me and by the time he did, several months after the baby, he admitted that he had been very attracted to a couple of women during that time. He says he didn't do anything out of respect for our marriage. Later, I found some porn mags dated during that particular dry spell, so apparently he wasn't totally non-sexual during that time. The possibility of him just being afraid to touch me during pregnancy is absurd b/c he was quite active during my first pregnancy.

I don't know what I would do if he crossed that line. But I have spent some time thinking of the possibility. Our trust would be broken and that really hurts a partnership. If others knew about it, that would be worse because that would really hurt my ego on top of the breach of trust. I would probably leave, with the hopes that he would come crawling back begging forgiveness. Of course, if that didn't happen, then I would already have made the move in the direction of divorce and would follow through, pick up the pieces and move on. And have a really hard time trusting any man again.

I guess it all depends on your reasons for staying/leaving. If you stay because you have the strength to forgive him and work it out, then I commend you. But if it is out of fear of being alone, then I say take the leap rather than remain in a relationship that is hurting you. Best of luck to you.

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#36 of 57 Old 03-03-2005, 12:42 AM
 
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I'm really sorry you are going through this. I have 2 stories to tell you:
First-One of cousins went through a very, very similar situation. She didn't want to leave her husband because she didnt want to be alone, thought she still loved him, thought he still loved her, thought he would change, thought time would heal the wounds, etc etc. Well after 3 years she found that she could never truly get past it. She couldnt watch a tv show having to do with an affair without feeling her stomach flip. The resentment just built and built until she was about to have a breakdown. Finally she got the courage to pack up herself and her 2 kids and move in with her mom. She still couldnt totally disconnect from him and called him constantly. But eventually she was done with him for good. Well now it's 3 years from then and she is so much happier. In retrospect she is so glad she left him.

second story:
my dad says that he never wanted to get married but my mom pressured him into it. He also says he never really wanted to have kids but when my mom finally got him to have them he was happy to be a dad, but still felt we all stood in the way of his dreams. He says he never wanted to be a lawyer, instead wanted to be a musician. All this resentment caused him to be a terrible husband. When my sister and I were asleep as kids he would go out for all hours and not tell my mom where he went or with who. WHen I was 5 it was like they basically weren't even married anymore. They slept in seperate rooms and never spoke. Finally at age 9 they split. I think it was the best thing they couldve done for us and our sanity. Im sure my parents didnt think me and my sister knew what was going on but kids are smarter than you think. If my mom had stayed with my dad think about what lesson it would teach me about being wife err doormat.

I just wanted to add that what your partner has done to you is completely effed up in so many ways. I wouldnt give someone like that a second chance in a million years. I wouldnt even expect that kind of treatment from an enemy nevermind someone who's supposed to be my "soulmate" I mean cmon he cheated on your during your most vulnerable time and then did it again. I dont see how you could consider even staying with someone like that. I think he needs some serious long term counseling-but not with you. Let him figure his own crap out on his own and get on with *your* life!
I guess you are a more noble person than I to even consider *his* feelings if you left him. What's that expression again? "you made your bed now you have to lay in it"

I hope you figure this one out. Good luck.

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#37 of 57 Old 03-03-2005, 12:11 PM
 
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What do they say? "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

I would not let any man who screwed around on me back into my bed or my life. Stress or not, problems on not - if they can't hack being in a marriage and being at least honest enough to confront problems head on, we're done.

And yes - I've been on both sides of the coin.

Your marriage is not worth letting someone run ramshod over your heart and soul and expect forgiveness or reconciliation. It just smacks of a lack of self respect to me.

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#38 of 57 Old 03-03-2005, 02:46 PM
 
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it always hurts my heart to hear of such a thing. that a man would disregard the woman who is bearing his child and cheat on her is not merely selfish- it is positively abusive. i can not think of any other way to think about it. i do not think a man simply disregards his wife and has sex with another woman. this is something he does TO his wife. to hurt her. or punish her

btdt

i just spent some time writing a long post describing my experience with this- i am not ready to go through it all again. she was old enough to be his mother. i had just given birth to his third child. just like others on this thread have mentioned, i am stunned at how common these new baby affairs are.
i spent six months driving myself crazy as i sunk further into ppd while trying to convince myself that he was not having an affair, then when i could no longer fool myself, it was like i was run over by a truck. it was awful. i was a wreck. i could not eat or sleep for days. i am having trouble breathing, just thinking about it. i cannot think of a worse thing he could have done to me (those here who know me from way back when i had one fewer"k" in my name might remember that he also beat me)

if there is one thing that i have learned, it is that there was nothing i could do to save our marriage. it was *his* relationship to fix. the only control i could exert was whether or not to allow him to fix it.

i worked way too hard to fix things. i really dont think it was out of love for him- more out of fear of being left to raise three children alone. all my hard work did for me was prolong the heartbreak. - and after six months, i find out that he thinks it is all my fault he was forced to betray me. something about not being able to trust me enough for him not to have an affair... or durrgh...i dont think i ever really understood what he was trying to tell me about the trust issue- he always turned his problems around on me- like when he found out that i hid most of a bottle of whiskey from him, so that he wouldnt drink it all in one swell foop and make himself sick (but also so there would be some left for me later on) - then *i* had a drinking problem

and when he has an affair, it is because he cannot trust *me*

by the time he came around to wanting me back (somehow coincided exactly with when i stopped wanting to make it work) he had missed his chance. it has been three years now, and he has spent the last two trying to win me back to him.

but when he wants a hug and a kiss, or when he brings me a gift, i read "let me set you up all over again so i can hurt you even worse this time"

fat chance dud e
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#39 of 57 Old 03-05-2005, 01:25 PM
 
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Don't have a lot of time right now b/c I've got my toddler with me at work ... but I feel the need to respond.

I've been through something very similar and my heart goes out to you.

My husband had an affair when Alex was 6 months old ... it started with just talking/flirting, and escalated into a sexual affair when I was in the hospital having surgery and my x was home with Alex, only 6 months old at the time.

I found out about it about 8 months later and was shattered. Like you, I did not want my family broken up, so we tried counseling. My x-husband was SAYING all the right things to make me stay, but I had to look at his actions ... they were pointing more towards "i'm sorry I got caught, not that I did it in the first place" ... when I found out he was still lying in counseling, that was the last straw.

We seperated last spring and secretly I hoped he would miss us, do the right thing and come totally clean and try counseling again. Instead, he moved an hour away with a friend and put himself up all over the internet dating sites.

I filed for divorce, and several months later (when he realized it wasn't a joke, I was really leaving him) he made a half-assed attempt to win me back. I was done with it by then, realized that I deserved better, someone who cherished me enough to NEVER cheat on me, ever. There were other issues in our marriage as well that were brought to light ... basicly my x was selfish to the core, it was me doing all the giving and never receiving.

Anyway, I ended up meeting someone towards the end of my divorce. I do truely believe this person is my soulmate. We've been together 6 months now and no joke, they have been the best 6 months of my life. I wasted 10 years with my x, not knowing how wonderful life could be with someone else. This man loves me, loves Alex and is so kind and respectful. I had no idea love could be this good ... for years I gave and for once I've got someone giving back to me, it's amazing.

Anyway, sorry to ramble ... my point is that it matters not what your husband says, but how he acts. Trust your instinct, your gut, it's always right. If something tells you he's bs'ing you ... then he is.

If you want to talk more, PM me. My heart goes out to you, but I hope telling you my story helped some. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and while I was so upset/depressed when I had to leave my husband, it worked out for more than the best, it was meant to be.

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#40 of 57 Old 05-04-2005, 05:41 PM
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I stumbled across this thread a bit late. I have BTDT experience in this area if you are still interested in hearing about it but I hope you are doing well and making the right choices for you.
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#41 of 57 Old 05-04-2005, 07:06 PM
 
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It's been 6 years and we are still married after an affair. DP cheated when my second son was a baby. I don't have much new to add, just to agree that
1. therapy was very helpful
2. it takes a LONG time to heal and trust. Like, years.
3. It hurts a lot
4. I didn't leave because of the kids, period. I told myself I'd revisit the decision when they were a little older. By that time, things had really improved and now I am happily married, although tbh, still not 100% trusting. I'm so glad my children still have two married parents. It was worth the extremely hard work.
5. Our relationship is deeper having come through this. It's not the way I recommend to get a deeper relationship (!) but it is true for us.
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#42 of 57 Old 05-05-2005, 09:56 AM
 
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In March right after my son got out of the hospital i found out my DH was having an affair. He was with her while my son was in the hospital twice and he was late for my daughters birthday party because he was with her.
That night we got home and he tried to commit suicide so i left, i think if he wouldnt have tried to commit suicide i would have stayed. But at this point i am glad i left, it was a bad relationship he had done some bad things to my oldest son. But i was too scared, i was pulled into his lyes.
I dont know if a marriage can survive an affair, i dont think *i* ever could and it all depends on the participants. I hope you can figure things out. One thing that really helped me is taking time away, without him being around.
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#43 of 57 Old 05-05-2005, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all. I can't believe this thread has been reborn, 2 1/2 months later!

Just an update... in the past month (7 months after his confession), I feel like I've gotten over a hump with recovering from his affair. I'm not thinking about it every minute of every day like I was, thank goodness.

I still am scared, I still do not trust him, no matter how hard I try. But things have been good between us. It's a trippy thing, to work on forgiving him for this. I never thought I would forgive such a thing. This has been a huge lesson in human frailty.

This whole nightmare has also made us love each other more than ever. Perhaps one day in a weird way I will be thankful that this happened. I'm too close to it now to think that, but in a way I can see that it's improved our communication, our honesty, our love.

Good luck to all.
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#44 of 57 Old 05-05-2005, 05:58 PM
 
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#45 of 57 Old 05-05-2005, 06:09 PM
 
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wow your a bigger woman than I am...

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#46 of 57 Old 05-05-2005, 06:54 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wonder how you move on from something like that? Do you think you will ever truely trust him again? Just seems like the biggest violation in the world to me. I don't know if I could continue with him after that- but then I tend to bitter with time rather than mellow


My beautiful, strong mother divorced my dad when I was 11 for reasons unknown to me then... I learned at 17 that he was cheating on her. She went on to tell me that if she had been childless, she would have tried to work it out b/c she was still madly in love with him. As the mother of a daughter, she felt that she could not possibly stay in the marraige because she feared that staying with him would teach me that it's okay to let a man treat you like sh!t, that I would learn through her to settle for less than I deserved.

I have never loved or respected her more than at that moment. I will never forget her selfless act. Up until then she was a stay at home mom living a storybook life. She got a job as a receptionist and worked her way up (I mean WAY up) a company & managed to keep us in our childhood home w/out one cent of child support. She is still my hero & I must say that she raised one strong willed girl. I have never taken disrespect from anyone, never gave into pressure from boys in the teen years or felt that I couldn't get along without the approval/acceptance/attention of a man...and most of my friends have struggled with these issues. I give my mom all the credit for my feelings of self worth & respect in regards to relationships of that nature.

Please don't underestimate the effect your choices will have on your children. People often stay in things for "the sake of the family" or "the kids". This has never made sense to me & I doubt its really "for the kids" in most cases. Just a few random thoughts. Good luck with all of this

BTW- She moved on to find total happiness with an amazing man who realizes how lucky he is to have her!
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#47 of 57 Old 05-06-2005, 12:44 AM
 
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I'm late to this thread but I thought I'd share my experience. My dh cheated on me while he was away at AIT (army training, months long, yada yada). Supposedly, it was a one night, drunken mistake. I didn't find out until more than a year later when I went to have a pap and came up positive for an insidious STD. Thankfully it was one that was easily treated. I went through every emotion. I wasn't angry, I was livid. I mean get a broken heart tattood on your chest angry. I was dispairing. The idea that he could do that to me, to my body was so disgusting and wrong wrong wrong wrong. I gave birth at home and my dd did not have eye ointment so if he had done that while I was preggo our child could have been seriously injured. I let him have it. I called him every name I could think of over and over again after our dd had gone to bed. I cried for weeks. I hit him and threw things. I kicked him out of the house on several occasions. That was two years ago almost. I finally decided that what happened was forgiveable. That everybody makes mistakes sometimes. That I could forgive this once, but never ever ever ever ever again.

I also thought of my dd. My parents divorced when I was two. It has had permanent negative repercutions (sp?) on my life. I would never want to put my dd through a life with a step mom (or the possibility of having a step mom like mine, I do know that there a great step moms out there). I will if I have to but it will be a last resort.

No one ever gets married assuming that their spouse will have an affair, but the reality is that most marriages are touched by infidelity. Its really easy to say that you could never forgive your spouse, but I don't think one can truly know until they are in that situation. I will say that even after 2 years I still have moments, days, weeks, where I think I must be the biggest sucker in the world. I feel that he must be lying to me. That I'm stupid to ever think he could change. I don't know. It doesn't help that we spend months away from each other on a regular basis. I have nightmares sometimes that I find him in bed with another woman. He laughs at me and tells me he never loved me. It was all a game to him and he's been cheating on me the whole time. I have other dreams where I find out he's been cheating but he's repentant and sad. In both dreams the conflict is not that hes cheating but that now I have to leave. Where will I go? How will I feed my children? Who will watch them while I work?

More often than not I am greatful that our marriage made it through. But the sadness at what we lost seems to linger. All the best on your journey. You will find the path that is right for you.
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#48 of 57 Old 05-06-2005, 01:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You said it so right... one NEVER knows how they will react to a situation, and that is never more true than when ones partner cheats. I NEVER would have thought that my feminist self would "put up with" a man who cheated. But here I am. And I don't think I'm stupid, or weak, or whatever... or even a "bigger woman" or a "better woman" than someone who would leave their partner. It's just my individual situation, it's my love for my husband, it's my capacity for forgiveness, it's my desire to forgive someone who truly is not a bad man, or perhaps even a bad husband, overall... he is a fragile man, a sort-of messed up man, a very emotional man, a needy man, a self-hating man, and evidently-- self-destructive. Because really--what is more self-destructive than a man who loves his wife and children more than anything in the world, but cheats on his wife with someone so irrelevant? This is a pattern for my husband, of self-destructive behaviour... and this was the hay that broke the camel's back, as far as his self-discovery and his growth. And it has been a real test for me, for non-judgment and forgiveness.

I am not making excuses for him, because what he did absolutely was HORRIBLE and sometimes I still hate him for it, and it might take years before I can truly trust him again...

But no one can judge me, no one can judge him... it is between us, and it is for me/us to decide our fate. And this crap that he's pulled doesn't make him any less my soul mate... if anything, it makes us real soul mates... if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. And of course, this is the strongest I've ever had to be.

According to the psychologist on www.marriagebuilders.com, about 50% of marriages suffer an infidelity, and the hurt spouses say that it is the most painful thing they have ever been through in their lives... more painful than parents divorcing, than loved ones dying, than being molested... and I have to agree.

50%!!!!!!! That's a whole lotta marriages! And obviously, many break up and many stay together.

I haven't appreciated some of the comments I've received in this thread... stuff like "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and "You deserve better". No one knows my future, no one knows me or my husband. I didn't ask people to advise me on what I should do... I was asking people their experiences, and their feelings about their own decisions.

Anyway, thanks Mamafaye, and all of you who have had words of support. The hugs were the best.

Best of marriage-luck to you all... may your marriage never suffer this pain. But if it does, I hope that you all make the decision that makes your heart happy. It's a toughie, for sure.
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#49 of 57 Old 05-06-2005, 08:19 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamasiobhan
According to the psychologist on www.marriagebuilders.com, about 50% of marriages suffer an infidelity, and the hurt spouses say that it is the most painful thing they have ever been through in their lives... more painful than parents divorcing, than loved ones dying, than being molested... and I have to agree.
Isn't this surprising? I have to say, it surprises me, but it was true.
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#50 of 57 Old 05-06-2005, 12:47 PM
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did what was right for her and her family. My DH cheated on me very spectacularly (very publicly in our small community, the Other Woman was the sister of someone very famous, etc.) nearly 10 years ago now. This was pre-child (WAY pre-child)...we went through the thing where he said it was broken off and it wasn't, etc. Finally I told him to just GO to her and well, he did. He came back about a month later and it was several years really before I stopped suffering an almost physical pain when I thought about it all. Anyway, hugs to everyone. It's so true one will have no idea about how one will feel when it happens to her. I am Ms Feminist and no one could believe we got back together after all of this! We were lucky it worked out for us, is all...As for "once a cheater always a cheater" I truly believe that in 10 years he has not strayed...
until last week. But that is another thread I guess....
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#51 of 57 Old 05-06-2005, 01:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Mydragonboy
As for "once a cheater always a cheater" I truly believe that in 10 years he has not strayed...
until last week. But that is another thread I guess....
Oh dear, I hope it's not real... if you're wanting to talk about it, don't hesitate. No better forum than here.. unless you're wanting a fresh perspective on a new thread. If you want to send a private message as well, go right ahead.

I hope you're OK... I hope your worst fears aren't true, Mydragonboy.
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#52 of 57 Old 05-06-2005, 02:42 PM
 
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I haven't appreciated some of the comments I've received in this thread... stuff like "Once a cheater, always a cheater" and "You deserve better". No one knows my future, no one knows me or my husband. I didn't ask people to advise me on what I should do... I was asking people their experiences, and their feelings about their own decisions.
mamasiobhan-I hope I haven't hurt or offended you in anyway in my post. I can only speak from the perspective of the child in all this- so I would never say that I can understand what you've been through.
I think the ability to forgive is an admirable trait. Just to clarify... my mother did forgive my father for cheating, she never spoke of him in a negative way & eventually forged a friendship with him. She just couldn't accept what he had done to their relationship- I guess everyone has their own limits. Sometimes leaving is an act of self preservation rather than an act of anger.
As far as the statement,” You deserve better", I think that refers to the treatment rather than the man. I firmly believe that you deserve better treatment & it would sadden me to think that you don't agree with that. I'm sure it’s difficult to hear people spout off about the faults of someone that you love- I think it’s just a knee jerk response to feel protective of other women in this situation. The fact that you were pregnant at the time makes me feel even more protective b/c you aren't the only one who was affected by his actions. I remember how vulnerable I felt during my pregnancy. That the memory of your pregnancy (which is supposed to be such a beautiful, bonding experience for a couple) has now been permanently marred by something so ugly is just very upsetting to me. I did not mean to speak out of turn
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#53 of 57 Old 05-09-2005, 02:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Juniper.

No, I wasn't offended by your post. I just didn't agree with it! I don't feel that staying with my husband (or anyone staying with their spouse) is doing the kids a disservice, and serving as a poor example of strength, or lacking in feminism, or anything like that.

It's a case-by-case basis, of course. There's no blanket rule for all marriages, that's for sure! For your mother, it was probably the right decision. But for me--not so much.

When I learned early in my marriage that my grandparents, who are the most loving, in-love couple I have EVER met (after 50-odd years of marriage) actually almost divorced a couple of times, I was flabbergasted! And I was inspired. I greatly admire their strength, and their commitment to each other and their family.

I'm not saying that couples should stay together no matter what--but on the other hand, there are probably too many couples who break up because they don't take their commitment seriously. It is friggin' HARD to be really committed--not just to stay together, but to truly be committed to a fulfilling, happy, loving marriage. And I'm going to do my best to hold up my end of the bargain. I'm hoping that if my daughters ever find out what happened, they will admire my strength in forgiving him, and continuing to love him, and hopefully grow up to be people who are slow to judge, and accept people for their faults--while also being strong.

Of course, there is no way to know how they would feel.

And believe me, a few months ago (I started this thread in February and I didn't know WHAT I was going to do), I didn't think I could forgive him. But... I'm working on it. I truly believe that he didn't just do this to me... he did it to himself, and it's very painful for him as well. It wasn't worth it, and he hates what he's done, and he's learning a lot about himself. I felt for a while that I was stupid for even entertaining the idea of being with him--that I needed to stand up for myself, and tell him to get lost. But it's just not that easy. This isn't only about my feminist principles--this is about my human principles, my loving principles, my spiritual (not religious) principles.

And uh, yeah... my memories of pregnancy and post-birth are tainted by this horror, yes. It friggin' sucks. I hope that changes some day. My girlfriend who went through this with her husband 8 years ago says that in a weird way she's glad it happened to them, because things were never the same, and they couldn't be who they are now without all the pain they went through together... I hope I feel that way some day too.

You didn't speak out of turn, but thanks. I have known that I ABSOLUTELY deserved better than this crap, and my husband seems to be feeling that more and more every day. He has communicated many times that he feels what an incredible person I am, because of my capacity to forgive him, and continue to love him. I kind of feel like he's in awe of me right now--which is great. That's the way it should be, eh?

Hopefully, at some point, he'll be in awe of himself. Because if he had believed in himself, he wouldn't have done things to destroy the only things that have always given him happiness--his wife and children.

Take care, lady mama.
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#54 of 57 Old 05-09-2005, 01:35 PM
 
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mamasiobhan: Okay - I haven't BTDT...that's about the only thing my ex didn't do to me. But, I know of a lot of couples who have survived an affair, and all of them say their marriage was hell for a few years, but ended up stronger than ever.

And, my sister-in-law dumped my brother when he cheated on her (new baby, good friend committed suicide and an ex was at the funeral - his wife wasn't, blah, blah, blah). She's never quite come out and said so, but I believe she's regretted it ever since. They split up on Christmas Eve 1993, and I think she still loves him as much as ever. She's made a lot of comments about "looking back, we should have..." and things like that. All I can really suggest is that you two get yourselves into counselling asap. You may still end up breaking it off, but I think you'll have a much better idea of what exactly is going on with him...and so will he. Good luck with this...can't imagine how it would feel to be lied to like that at such a vulnerable time...those first few weeks with a newborn are tough.


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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#55 of 57 Old 05-12-2005, 07:05 PM
 
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wow, it is something getting a notice in my email that this thread is goingagain- makes you look back and see where you are, to where you were- and it was all 3 years ago for me, but still the story is developing.

my overwhelming reason for not holding on was that he believes it was my fault that he cheated on me- some of his words were "you reap what you sow" "you got exactly what you deserved" etc. really abusive language :

so i can see where the situation is very different from what you are facing mamasioban, since it seems your h is sorry for what he did

since my last post i find out that he is still seeing her- he still denies it, and i really dont see why he bothers, because it doesn't really affect what i do relative to our relationship, but it would be nice, since we are still raising kids together, if he would just quit being so decietful

i have also begun seeing a therapist. this is helping me see how pervasive the abuse has been in my life with him. unbelievable. what i have written here only begins to scratch the surface. to stay in a relationship with him, would have undoubtedly been disastrous for my children- i can really only expect for them what i show them i am willing to accept for myself.
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#56 of 57 Old 05-13-2005, 12:07 PM
 
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- just following a long

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#57 of 57 Old 10-30-2013, 08:35 PM
 
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It's so helpful somehow to read others' struggles with this issue. I recently, in the past 6 weeks, discovered that my husband was having multiple affairs. I found out quite by accident and before I confronted him I did some sleuth work to be sure. Sure enough I was right and he finally admitted it. Turns out this has been going on for years, off and on with different women. We have 5 children, some grown and in college, some still at home.

I am absolutely beside myself and not doing well figuring out how to deal with all my emotions. He says he is sorry and that it happened because with all that life throws at us, work, kids, responsibilities and life in general, we had grown apart and he missed the closeness we shared. He says he was looking for it outside of our marriage and wanted someone who paid attention to him and seemed like they were really interested in him. I agree we had grown apart and often tried to talk to him about what we should do to work on our issues. He is NOT a talker, doesn't like confrontation or to communicate about the "tough" issues. He'd rather avoid them. I acknowledge that there is not just one person at fault when marriages falter. But I can't wrap my brain around how he could do this to me and lie all along.

He wonders why I can't just let it go and be the past. He apologizes and promises it wont happen again. He wants me to just forget it and move on. I think about it every hour of every day I'm awake and it consumes me. I'm trying hard to be what it is he was missing, but I don't think it's fair for me to try to be the things he wants and poof...all will be better. It all feels very one sided. I feel like I have to be this person he wants and craves, and if I'm not he will do it again. Like it's all on me.

I am working on seeing a couples councilor (which he says he will do but doesn't really want to. Again, he is not a talker) I just feel so overwhelmed and don't know what to do with all my doubt, sadness, anger, confusion. I have only told one friend and a sister about it. I feel very alone figuring out how to deal with all of this.

Good luck to all of the other women dealing with this extremely difficult situation.
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