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Advice please...Angry man.

5K views 95 replies 37 participants last post by  bionicsquirrel 
#1 ·
I never thought I would be in this situation but I am and I can't believe I'm posting this but maybe someone can give some advice.
We moved to the US in Oct,2004 my h is working and I am not. I am still waiting for my work auth to come through and don't have a ss number yet. I do have a bank account with $10 in(wahoo)

My h has a NASTY temper and has been loosing it with ds. He swore at him as in you f'ing little s@@@ and screamed at him and basically would not let go of him the other day. We usually hide in the bedroom after his tantrum, I feel like I'm in a bad movie.

Tonight he screamed and swore at me infront of both kids because as ds was puking on my knee( because of too much running around) And he wanted me to take him to the toilet and I ignored him and just let the poor little guy carry on.

This kind of stuff has been going on since DS was born(03) I dread his days off and when he comes home, and am sick of waiting around for the next tantrum.I feel like he is sucking all the energy I have out, I can NEVER win. He said he would seek help in the past and has not.
He is a good person with WAY too many issues for us to cope with, He will not go to therepy, so I'm at a loss.

I don't know what to do or where to go, this man is very verbally agressive to all of us and I can't take much more. I can see it getting worse and worse, he has called me EVERY horrible name under the sun and I don't want to subject myself or my children to this for much longer. I have no way of making money right now, and cannot leave the country without his permission with the kids.

Am I wrong in thinking myself and my children should not have to go through this?

If anyone has any clue about what my rights are as a single mother on a three year visa here has that would be great. I love it here and would like to stay.
Thanks
 
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#2 ·
Whoa. I don't know what your rights are. I hope somebody else has a better answer. Honestly, it probably depends which country of origin you are from. But your human rights dictate that you and your children definitely do not deserve that treatment. You are not wrong in thinking that this is wrong and you should not have to take it. I want to tell you to run far far away, but I realize every situation is not that simple. My heartfelt sympathy to you. I hope someone who has been in this situation responds and gives you good sound advice.
 
#3 ·
gosh, what a situation. If you were a citizen here it would be easy to say leave, you are better off without him. Because noone needs to put up that kind of abuse, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do anything to change. But you are stuck because you can't work or get any kind of public assitance. I would strongly suggest trying to move back to your country of origin if that is at all possible. Have you discussed seperation with him, or that make him explode? I hope someone comes up with some ideas for you.
 
#4 ·
Lisa,
Is your husband a US citizen or a Lawful Permanent Resident? If so and if you are relying on his status/sponsorship for your Alien Relative petition, you might be able to take advantage of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). It allows battered spouses and children to self-petition for permanent US residency without the knowledge or assistance of the abusive spouse.

I don't know what resources are available in Colorado, but you can find help with VAWA and other immigration issues at the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233.

Best of luck to you.
 
#7 ·
LIsa, what kind of benefits does your h have? Most employers offer and employee assistance program (eap) as part of the pkg that allows up to 6 or 8 free confidential counseling sessions. See if you can get an appt and find out from someone who can research your options or refer you to someone who can get you help. Call the battered women's hotline (look in the phonebook under domestic violence or battered women) and they will help you. There should be a women's shelter that you can go stay at free with your kids if you need to - he won't be able to find you. I am very afraid for your children, your h sounds like he is on the edge of physically hurting your ds. I shudder to think of someone hurting such a little child. Can you call family members for a loan for tickets home? Is he a us citizen? What country are you from? IF he doesn't think you would leave him, you will have an advantage, so don't let him know you are thinking of it. IN the meantime, find excuses to stay out of his way on his days off - take kids to the park, go to visit neighbors, whatever. The most dangerous time in abusive relationships is when the woman tries to leave. Do you have a passport for you and the kids? Does he control your access to money? What happens to his paycheck?
 
#8 ·
Thank you for all that info and support,

He is on a work visa, he's Canadian and I'm English. I am in the process of applying for new passports for the children and probably could go back to Canada or England.
The link sunnmama gave me was helpful - thank you. I think half the problem is me actually facing up to this happening. It's wierd what you get used to.
My parents are arriving next week from the UK so that will help. After that it will probably be it. Somehow I'll get us out of here.

Thank you
x
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by lisa72
Thank you for all that info and support,

He is on a work visa, he's Canadian and I'm English. I am in the process of applying for new passports for the children and probably could go back to Canada or England.
The link sunnmama gave me was helpful - thank you. I think half the problem is me actually facing up to this happening. It's wierd what you get used to.
My parents are arriving next week from the UK so that will help. After that it will probably be it. Somehow I'll get us out of here.

Thank you
x
Your parents arriving will be great. They can help you out. My guess is that if your parents were able to buy you plane tickets and you all had passports you could leave. The trick is to get your ducks on a row legally so when you leave he can't press charges.

I would wait till your parents arrive to start to talk to him about leaving, because he may become more violent when you do and you need to have somewhere to go.

Good luck, this is a terrible thing to have to go through.
 
#10 ·
BTW, you should try and tape record one or more of his tantrums. Also tape record the conversation when you talk about leaving- as it's likely to turn into a rage.

Concrete evidence like this is very important if you want to prove he's abusive. You don't want him to be awarded joint custody when the divorce finally goes through.
 
#12 ·
Wow, scary.

You've got some great advice here.

I would really encourage you to call the DV hotline listed above. They should be able to help you talk thru some things and get those ducks in a row, e.g. figure out a safety plan, figure out all the important documents you need, that kind of thing. I used to volunteer on a hotline and I know it is so hard to think straight adn remember all those little details when you're under so much stress. I strongly recommend an escape plan; things can escalate very quickly when he finds out you're thinking of leaving.

The VAWA thing won't work for you b/c your H isn't a citizen or LPR. However, there is another option called a U Visa, which is available for crime victimes. Basically you would need to show that you and/or your children would be useful to the investigation or prosecution of a crime. Unfortunately merely being an emotionally and verbally abusive asshole is not a crime. However, the situation you described of him holding onto your ds and not letting go sounds like physical abuse. I would consider calling the police and reporting it if you feel safe doing that.

Document everything. This is important not just for the U Visa thing but in case of future custody issues, etc. Write everything down in as much detail as you can, as quickly as you can, while it's still fresh in your mind. Remember to include dates. Email or mail a copy to a friend for safekeeping.

Finally,
good for you for reaching out for help.
That is such a hard, scary thing to do. It may save you or your children's life.
 
#15 ·
Thanks everyone

He's all happy again now, I think he's trying to keep it all normal for when my Parents come which I suppose is a good thing. I'm starting to think he may have some kind of mood disorder, as there is no logic to his actions when he's angry. It's just so unsettling, like a rollercoaster.

When DS was puking the other day he put dd in it! Now I'm thinking about all this, it's always a bit wierd. It's like a switch going on and off.

I approached him again about going to see someone and it's not looking good so it looks like we won't be around him for much longer.
 
#16 ·
I have to get this out SOMEWHERE. I just typed up an email to a girlfriend of every horrible thing that has happened since Liams birth and is the most awful thing I have ever done. I cannot believe I have let all this happen. I hate this. But now she has a copy of it so there we go. I suppose that is one of the ducks in a row.

I feel like a big chicken for not just telling him where to go sooner, why does this happen?

That probably didn't make much sense. My head is like fuzz.
 
#19 ·
Lisa, if he thinks you may try to leave with your parents, he will try to stop you so do NOT say anything else to him about getting help, etc. Just act like you are happy about the visit. In the meantime:
1. have a bag packed with extra clothes, toys, diapers, everything you need for you and the kids so if you have to leave quickly, you can just grab it and go - don't let him see it - if possible, keep it at a friend's house or in a locker at a gym so you can just leave the house without having to grab it.
2. when he is at work get copies of all of your tax records, his id, all bills and bank accounts and other important documents. PUt them in a po box or somewhere outside of the house he can't find them.
3. call the domestic violence hotline, they may be able to lend you a cell phone that you can hide so you can call 911 if something happens and he won't let you get to your home phone
4. see a lawyer and document the abuse and find out if he CAN stop you from leaving the country with your kids
Now isn't the time to beat your self up over putting up with this stuff. It obviously crept up on you and the important thing is that you are gong to get away. To me it sounds like he has some serious mental issues and he just can't handle the stress of young children. It sounds like he had these problems before, he was able to control himself until the stress got to him.
5. PLease be careful about e-mails and such. If he is suspicious, he will check them and there are ways to get them even after they are deleted.
 
#20 ·
Siddie gave excellent advice.

I just have one other thing to add which is re: #4. The exact law varies from state to state, but generally if the other parent's name is on the child's birth certificate, you cannot leave the country w/o the other parent's permission. I can't believe I didn't think of that when I read your OP. Definitely you should talk to a lawyer about that.

But first things first, take care of #1-3 on siddie's list.

I also wanted to add that the fuzzy head feeling is perfectly normal. Our brains do wierd things to enable us to survive the day-to-day crap. But you need to stay sharp and think ahead a little bit to keep your family safe. Siddie's right, now is not the time to beat yoursefl up and in any case you have nothing to beat yourself up for. Just stay on track, you'll be ok.
 
#21 ·
Awww mama!
You have gotten great advice here and I don't have much to add, just wanted to send you some strength.

Are your parents aware of the situation? If not maybe it would be a good idea to somehow inform them before they get there. That way they could be prepared, YK? And they might have some ideas as well.

(courage and strength dust
)
 
#22 ·
If my child was not safe with his own father i would use any means to get him out of the country. I am not sure how difficult this is to do, I have a feeling it may be fairly easy until the father suspects you may leave with the children and alerts the airport. Does permission to leave the country by him have to be notarized? Can you tell him that your parents have offered to pay your way just for a visit and then not come back? He may be happy to have a little time to himself and say, great, have a nice visit, see you guys in two weeks. I have a friend who lost a daughter to an abusive husband in Tunisia, she is Welsh and can only visit her once a year. it is really sad for her. HOpefully once you get the children back to England it should be Uk law that prevails and he will need YOUR permission to leave the country with them.
 
#23 ·
thanks

I don't think leaving with my parents is an option as Jasmine does not have a passport. I have sent off all the stuff and it should probably take a month. I am going to bug the Canadian passport office though. I am also looking into UK passports, maybe it's a bit quicker.

I know the thing he can check is when I am PM'd. Good idea about the bag...he is pretty observant but I'll work on it.
We are going to Denver tomrrow to pick up my parents, it all seems so fake and wierd.
I just talked to a lawyer and she was fairly heplful. She recommended I find a local lawyer and get a free consult. Because my visa is so wierd (L2) It's hard, I'm here because of him, which As long as we stay married for now, is better apparently.
 
#24 ·
I know someone who was in a somewhat similar situation. Neither her nor her husband were US citizens. He was here for work, and she and the children were here because of him. He became very violently abusive towards her and the children. After learning what her rights were, she called 911 one night and the police took her and the kids to a shelter. He has since gone back to his country, and she and the kids are still in the US, thanks to the U visa I mentioned earlier. She now has temporary work authorization too! And they are all doing beautifully, she says she is really learning her children's personalities for the first time now that they are not living in fear. I'm so happy for them. She is a very brave person.

Anyway, I only share that story b/c the U visa might be a good reason to consider calling 911.

Oh, when you leave MDC, do you log out? You always should, otherwise he might be able to get on and read this thread...
 
#25 ·
Good thinking about the logging out. The thing about calling the police is it's not like he's hitting us or anything. It's more subtle than that. His anger is so sporadic that he's calm about 5mins after the worst part of it.

Because I had postpartum depression/anxiety - SOMETHING, after Jasmine and went on Prozac, he bring that up alot and calls me crazy etc. I think this makes me doubt the outcome of calling the police.

I'm starting to think a "holiday at home" is the answer, keep it civilised. I will look into the U visa, thanks guillerillamama and thank you everyone again, this is REALLY helping!
 
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