Is divorce an option? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Is divorce an option when you're having problems in your marriage?
Yes 164 49.10%
No 170 50.90%
Voters: 334. You may not vote on this poll

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 11:55 AM
 
KnitterMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 3,514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I went through absolute hell as a kid because my parents divorced when I was 2. Admittedly, it could have been better if they weren't constantly fighting over custody of my twin sister and I, and weren't constantly bashing each other behind the other's back (granted though, they both were mind-numbingly irresponsible when I was really little so actually both of them had a point).

For this reason, divorce isn't an option for me necessarily. However, a temporary separation definitely is. This is a great question you posed, and one I often think about. I feel the same way you do - that I made a commitment to this man and have to keep. No matter how hard the problem is to work through, we gotta do it. There is no option but running headlong at the problem.

I think it is important to note, however, that some of the posters on this forum should divorce. In instances where there is domestic violence, it doesn't matter what kind of promises you've made - you owe it to yourself and your children to get the hell outta there. Safety is number one.

Good thread.

Mooooom! to  guitar.gifDS (1/05) and whistling.gifDSS (11/05).  TTC fingersx.gifour "ours" after VR on 10/12.  

KnitterMama is offline  
#32 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 11:59 AM
 
KnitterMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 3,514
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by gethane
I'm fairly offended at the wording of some of these posts, but I'll chalk it up to ignorance. (by ignorance, I mean simply the dictionary definition: The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.)

I used to say that I'd kill my husband before I divorced him. My parents were (and are) still married and I meant for better or worse, and all the other vows. We had three children together and had gone through the wringer.

Until, that is, everything I thought I knew about my husband, shattered. First I found out he was cheating on me. Still I stayed. Then I found out it wasn't the first time. Still I stayed. The verbal abuse escalated. Still I stayed. He threatened to smash my computer. Still I stayed. He raped me one night as our children slept in the other rooms upstairs. Still I stayed. He chased our kittens around one morning threatening to snap their necks, crush their skull. And everything changed in the space of a one minute phone call. About an hour and a half later I got a phone call from the school My 7 year old son was crying at school because he was afraid that "daddy was going to kill my kittens." I reassured him that daddy had not caught the kittens or killed them.

It was a shattering realignment of my viewpoint. How in the WORLD could I allow my children to grow up with a man that would do that to them? My husband came home from work an hour later to pick something he forgot up. I told him to get out. And I never looked back.

Later I found out that the adultery was ongoing. And that he had been accused by a 15 year old client (he was a probation officer) of forcing her to perform sexual acts. I also realized that the "infection" i had had two years before wasn't just a yeast infection. The one that spread into PID. THe one that brought me withing ONE WEEK of a hysterectomy. Chlamydia wasn't just some bug I happened to get. My husband had given me a STD. Yes, I really WAS that naive.

Basically I found out that he had been pretending to be a different person than he was. He was a deputy sheriff, then a probation officer. He was very involved in martial arts and talked about "honor" all the time. I honestly believed he'd never cheat on me.

I hope you never find out what its like to see the last 10 years of your life dissolve into dust. I hope you never have to realize that the man you loved, the man with whom you bore three children NEVER EVEN EXISTED.

So, 8 years ago, I'd have agreed with. I married "for better or worse" dangit. I knew my husband. Right? Seven years ago it was 2 weeks after I kicked him out. Three and a half years ago, I remarried to a REAL man.
Wow, Mama.

Mooooom! to  guitar.gifDS (1/05) and whistling.gifDSS (11/05).  TTC fingersx.gifour "ours" after VR on 10/12.  

KnitterMama is offline  
#33 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 12:09 PM
 
moondiapers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Lakeport, California
Posts: 6,151
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I voted no. I think it's all in attitude really. If you go into it feeling that divorce is an option I think that you're more likely to get a divorce instead of doing everything you can to work it out first. If it never even enters your head that divorce is an option then I think it's easier to fight for your marriage. I used to be a person that would have voted yes....and I got divorced because of it. Divorced from a good man that loved me, but just needed to grow up some and mature a bit. Now I'm with another wonderful man, that loves me (actually there's a bit of worship going on because he's loved me since highschool when I didn't want anything to do with him ) and while we've had some doozies of a fight and we've been mad at eachother and moped about it for a week at a time, divorce never even occured to us.


-Heather

Heather married to my highschool sweetheart 6/7/02 :cop: Mother to Dani age 14 and Timmy age 10 Nadia 1/29 :
moondiapers is offline  
#34 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 12:43 PM
 
desertpenguin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: In the desert
Posts: 2,088
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I voted no, because if there's problems, then we have to work on them, not just give up because it's "too hard."

dreads.gif and my man mischievous.gif. Momma to ds1 (11-'04) blahblah.gif, ds2 (8-'08) hammer.gif, dd (3-'12) orngtongue.gif, and Mr Blue, Chiyo, and Fireball, our 3 cat.gifnovaxnocirc.gif intactlact.gif uc.jpg

desertpenguin is offline  
#35 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 01:05 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: raising the revolution
Posts: 4,883
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just don't think anyone can say divorce is not an option at all!! That is unbelievable...

It is not an option for us, for all I know of my husband....however, if he turned out to be completely sick and like, RAPED our child or BEAT me senseless or something---yeah, I would divorce him...

I guess if you guys mean that if that happened you would literally kill him before divorce, then technically, fine...you wouldn't be *divorced*...but to hear some of the posters, you are implying that you could love your way through anything...

And yes, provided my husband stayed the man I know him to b (with respect to things like NOT molesting or NOT beating etc) divorce is NOT an option...but again, I digress...
captain crunchy is offline  
#36 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 02:03 PM
 
gethane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: nebraska transplant in california
Posts: 3,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for saying that captain crunchy. I was starting to feel that either my post was invisible, or people seemed to think that I should have just "worked harder" at my marriage to a lying adulterous abuser.

I even thought of deleting my post, something I never do, because I really put myself out there with my post, took the time to write it, briefly relived the emotions, and then no one seemed to gain insight from it.

Thanks for the hugs swimmin_mama

I'm totally over it now. I figure why divorce him if I'm still going to let what he did control my life, or my happiness.

But to blindly say that divorce is not an option? Heh, ok, whatever.
gethane is offline  
#37 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 02:05 PM
 
Greaseball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Eugene, OR
Posts: 8,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
I was starting to feel that either my post was invisible, or people seemed to think that I should have just "worked harder" at my marriage to a lying adulterous abuser.
No, the new thing now is to say that you should have somehow known he was going to be like that and just not have married him.

Or maybe, HE should not have done any of those things he did to you and your family!
Greaseball is offline  
#38 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 02:22 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't believe in divorce - but I've btdt, nonetheless. My ex stole money from me for drugs, hid huge percentages of his paycheque for drugs (and lottery tickets, coffee, cigarettes...when we couldn't afford food). He belittled me for the fact that we "always had money for what {you} want, but never what {I} want" (ignoring that what I "wanted" was a new pair of pants for work, because mine had already been patched three times or some veggies for lunch - and he wanted cigarettes and expensive snack foods). He blamed me for our financial situation, even though I was making 3/4 of the income. I did all the childcare, and most of the housework...all of it in the end. He shot me down when I said anything complimentary - accused me of "throwing him a bone" because we hadn't had sex recently (never mind that I was working full-time and had bronchitis)...I can't even begin to cover it all.

But, the bottom line was he didn't respect me, and I lost respect for him. He blamed me for all his problems (eg. "well...why do I feel like you don't find me attractive?" - when I was the only one initiating sex, and had been for over five years!), and refused to do anything about any of them. He sent our son downstairs to my sister's so that he could smoke dope with his friends while I was at work...then couldn't understand why I was angry, because I'd told him not to smoke it around our son.

There are some issues that are too big to ignore...and if one person refuses to make any effort, their spouse can't singlehandedly save a marriage. The environment was horribly unhealthy for me and for my son...so I kicked my husband out, and got a divorce. And, I know it was the right decision...my gray hair disappeared within a year, and my dh and I are now expecting our second child...after ttc with my ex for several years, and having several miscarriages. Fortunately, I found dh...because my son's dad hasn't even bothered to call him in over two months, and failed to show up for his birthday, even though he "promised".

I think when a marriage is destroying one spouse's physical and mental health, divorce is definitely an option.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#39 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 02:29 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by gethane
I hope you never find out what its like to see the last 10 years of your life dissolve into dust. I hope you never have to realize that the man you loved, the man with whom you bore three children NEVER EVEN EXISTED.

So, 8 years ago, I'd have agreed with. I married "for better or worse" dangit. I knew my husband. Right? Seven years ago it was 2 weeks after I kicked him out. Three and a half years ago, I remarried to a REAL man.


I'm sorry, gethane. The breakdown of my marriage was much different in the details (my mom was beaten by her first husband and I always swore that if my spouse was ever violent, it was all over). But, the overall picture was the same. We were together for 15 years, and only had one child, because I had trouble ttc and kept losing babies.

But, that feeling of knowing that the man you loved never existed...oh, yeah...I can totally relate. A woman we knew revealed after the breakup that she didn't want my ex around her kids. She said that he'd molested her when she was younger. When he was faced with it, he said that they just did "what kids do". But...when we got together, he was 15, and this friend was 8 (the daughter of a family friend of his). So, if he was "just doing what kids do", he was doing it with a child, when he was a teenager. And, that was before we ever got together. Between that and a list of kiddie porn sites (most of them weren't, but the site names made it look that way) that I found after the breakup...even thinking about having been intimate with him makes my stomach churn.

I never, ever thought divorce was an option, except if a man were violent with me. I know better now.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#40 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 02:33 PM
 
shelley4's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,131
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
i answered yes. although i made a major commitment when i got married, there are some circumstances where i would leave/divorce. like a drug/alcohol problem that he wouldn't get help for, or if he was abusive to me and/or the kids and wouldn't get help or not change. an affair would be something that i would have a hard time overcoming, i don't know if i would leave or not, depends on the situation

Momma to K ('01), E ('03) and A ('07)
Acting as a Gestational Surrogate for my cousin, EDD Jan 17th
shelley4 is offline  
#41 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 02:36 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well I didn't vote. But my answer is... HELL YEAH divorce is an option. But then, I don't believe in marriage.
thismama is offline  
#42 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 03:04 PM
 
member's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,971
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Gethane You are a strong woman.

Yes, divorce is definitely an option, as I believe if a relationship gets beyond repair it's better to move on.
member is offline  
#43 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 03:12 PM
 
amydidit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Azeroth
Posts: 4,998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For my DH and I we both agree divorce is not an option... in fact, here in AZ we had the option of getting a covenant marriage license... if we'd learned about that in time before our wedding we would've done that in a heartbeat... instead, now we're actually changing our marriage to a covenant marriage after the fact... yes, covenant marriage still allows you some situation where divorce is permitted (adultery, abuse, etc), but it's the closest we can come to an institution that allows us the chance to show our commitment in the way we feel it.

We've both agreed that if anything like abuse, adultery, etc were to happen we would not divorce... that's not to say we'd stay in a violent situation (whether physically or emotionally violent), but the option is there to seperate... not divorce, just not live together. It's the closest to divorce either of us will consider.

A lot of people will consider us crazy, but it's how we both feel.
amydidit is offline  
#44 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 05:51 PM
 
Greaseball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Eugene, OR
Posts: 8,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I think our dh's need to make the same commitment to us that we are making to them. Having affairs and being abusive do not show strong commitment.
Greaseball is offline  
#45 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 08:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
abac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,663
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Gethane, thank you for sharing. I'm glad you've found love and happiness.

Captain Crunchy, please do not presume to know what I would do in a given situation, especially when I have made myself clear (or so I thought.) Yes, if I found my dh raping my child I would stay married to him. I understand that this is not the choice you would make, but it's not unbelievable and it happens. In fact, on Weds. episode of Oprah, there was a guest who did EXACTLY that. So it does happen. I would not, however, leave my child in danger. If something like this were to happen, protecting my child would be my first priority, but this does not mean I would have to divorce my husband.
Quote:
Sorry, things like child rape and beating me are things I couldn't *love* my husband through....so if that makes my marriage a "conditional" one, then so be it.
Well, this does make it a conditional marriage and like I said before, there's nothing wrong with that.
Quote:
to hear some of the posters, you are implying that you could love your way through anything...
Yes! It's called unconditional love. It means loving someone regardless of what they do. Not to compare the love for one's husband to the love for one's child, (don't want to open THAT can of worms,) but consider if your child grows up to be a murderer. Would you then abandon your child and have nothing more to do with him/her? Maybe you would. I don't know. But I do know that I would not. Nor would I divorce my husband. My love for both my dh and my ds are unconditional.
Quote:
if he turned out to be completely sick and like, RAPED our child or BEAT me senseless or something---yeah, I would divorce him...
My marriage vows had the words "in sickness or in health." If my dh is sick, I will not end our marriage.
Quote:
If you would stay through that, well, I would be breaking MDC rules if I said what I *really* thought of that...
Well, you pretty much implied exactly what you think by this statement. And you could have just said, "I think that would be a poor decision and would advise you against it." You wouldn't be breaking any rules if you said it this way.
abac is offline  
#46 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 08:05 PM
 
Greaseball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Eugene, OR
Posts: 8,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
If something like this were to happen, protecting my child would be my first priority, but this does not mean I would have to divorce my husband.
Maybe not...but in many states it is illegal to live with a man who has victimized your child if that child is still living with you.

I guess I don't love my dh unconditionally. I love my children unconditionally, but also realistically. If they were murderers I would visit them in prison and write all the time and talk to them, but not make any effort to hide them in my house.

Fortunately this shouldn't be an issue for many of us...
Greaseball is offline  
#47 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 08:25 PM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,772
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 110 Post(s)
On one hand I would be tempted to vote no. Only because, I slip into this situation where I tend to consider divorce when it’s really, really uncalled for.

OTOH, I definitely have a conditional marriage (using your words, abac) and, yes, divorce is an option for many reasons. Not just the ‘big ones’ either. DH and I made a commitment basically to stay together until one of us didn’t want to anymore.

But, I can understand what you’re saying, abac, and I admire your choice. I also don’t think it’s incompatible with any parenting choice or moral issues to stay married to your husband no matter what.

I also agree that, when giving advice about divorce on a public forum, it is probably best to keep in mind that marriage and divorce mean much different things to different people.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#48 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 08:51 PM
 
stafl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: standing in a doorway
Posts: 9,227
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
((((Gethane))))) and you, too Greaseball.... I feel my reply is invisible, too.

But maybe the real problem here is that nobody wants to admit that just maybe abuse can happen to anyone, even themselves. We have been there, we know it can happen to us again. We hope it doesn't, and we've probably done everything we know to do to see that it doesn't, but we know that it might. We know there are some problems that cannot be fixed, especially if one partner doesn't want to fix the problems in the first place. I can't believe all the people who voted "no" then justified that vote by saying "well, I guess I would IF..." Then that means your vote really should have been a yes. Abuse isn't something you see coming ahead of time, it sneaks up on you. By the time you realize it's happening, it's way too late. Sometimes divorce is the ONLY option.
stafl is offline  
#49 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 08:56 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: raising the revolution
Posts: 4,883
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Yes, if I found my dh raping my child I would stay married to him.
Woah...no I am sorry I cannot be diplomatic about that.

I did see that Oprah, and I was appauled at that woman too...she stayed because she didn't want to be poor again...lovely...

You would stay married if you walked in and saw your husband on top of your child raping them....

Wow. That is all I would have to say. Wow.

I would be gone so fast...if my husband lived through it that is...

If that makes my marriage *conditional* then I will happily accept that condition...

If CHILD RAPE is not a deal breaker....

just wow....woah...

I am seriously in shock...seriously....
captain crunchy is offline  
#50 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 09:10 PM
 
member's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Posts: 2,971
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have to agree with Captain Crunchy. If my DP raped anyone's child, yeah, there'd be no call for divorce 'cause he'd be . If that's conditional, well, at least I am putting my conditions up front.
member is offline  
#51 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 10:28 PM
 
gethane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: nebraska transplant in california
Posts: 3,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by stafl
((((Gethane))))) and you, too Greaseball.... I feel my reply is invisible, too.

But maybe the real problem here is that nobody wants to admit that just maybe abuse can happen to anyone, even themselves. We have been there, we know it can happen to us again. We hope it doesn't, and we've probably done everything we know to do to see that it doesn't, but we know that it might. We know there are some problems that cannot be fixed, especially if one partner doesn't want to fix the problems in the first place. I can't believe all the people who voted "no" then justified that vote by saying "well, I guess I would IF..." Then that means your vote really should have been a yes. Abuse isn't something you see coming ahead of time, it sneaks up on you. By the time you realize it's happening, it's way too late. Sometimes divorce is the ONLY option.
Hugs back at you . I know exactly what you mean, because before my marriage went bad (or before I knew it did?) I used to think, "Oh, well I made such a GOOD choice of husband. He would NEVER cheat on me. I just can't even IMAGINE what those women are thinking when they marry THOSE men." And then it happened to me. Until it does, you really are in a safe little world where you believe what you think you know. And sometimes what you "know" is just not what's real.

That sounded totally senseless oh well, I'm sure you know what I mean.

And staying with your dh after they raped your children. Well, I'll just say that once you become a mama, your FIRST priority is your young children. And if you want to punish yourself by staying married to a child rapist, then I really feel sorry that you think so little of yourself. There is really no justification in my mind for putting vows to a MAN before your children. None.
gethane is offline  
#52 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 10:43 PM
 
amydidit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Azeroth
Posts: 4,998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think what some people are missing is that abac said:

Quote:
I would not, however, leave my child in danger. If something like this were to happen, protecting my child would be my first priority, but this does not mean I would have to divorce my husband.
I agree with her... if my DH abused my DD in ANY way, NO I would not divorce him, but I would NOT leave her in danger... same if he abused me... I would not stay in a dangerous situation, but I wouldn't call a divorce lawyer either. There are other options... in my case I would chose to leave and live elsewhere... but I would NOT divorce him.

I didn't see anywhere where abac said she's keep her child in danger... in fact, just the opposite.
amydidit is offline  
#53 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 10:54 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 14,356
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't really get what the big difference is between "divorce" and "leaving?" So the piece of paper still says you're married, but you live your lives apart just as though you were divorced? What's so virtuous about that, if your values are that not divorcing is better than divorcing? Why does it imply some higher level of commitment than divorce?
thismama is offline  
#54 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 11:00 PM
 
weetzie's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 1,923
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
I don't really get what the big difference is between "divorce" and "leaving?" So the piece of paper still says you're married, but you live your lives apart just as though you were divorced? What's so virtuous about that, if your values are that not divorcing is better than divorcing? Why does it imply some higher level of commitment than divorce?
Exactly my question. I just don't get it.
weetzie is offline  
#55 of 275 Old 05-14-2005, 11:18 PM
 
amydidit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Azeroth
Posts: 4,998
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Because to me and my DH marriage is a lifelong commitment and something we will not break... if I had to leave to remove myself and children from a dangerous situation I would not abadon my DH... I would encourage him to seek counseling and help him to heal (while still only seeing him in a safe environment). I wouldn't stop loving my DH because he had a mental illness (which I believe abuse to be a symptom of), but I wouldn't keep myself physically in a place where I or my children could be hurt.

So, I guess to keep it short and sweet... to me the difference in divorce and *leaving* is with divorce I'd cut off all ties and contact... *leaving* means I'd still see him in a safe environment and would still love him while helping him seek help.
amydidit is offline  
#56 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:22 AM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by amydidit
Because to me and my DH marriage is a lifelong commitment and something we will not break...
If you don't mind my asking, what did your marriage vows say? Because, I'm sorry - if I caught my ex or dh raping my child, there's no issue of whether or not I would then break the marriage, because it would already be broken beyond repair. It could be said that I ended my first marriage, because I'm the one who actually kicked him out and initiated divorce proceedings...but as far as I'm concerned, he ended it when he lied to me, stole from me, and continued to do drugs, despite knowing there was a good chance they were affecting my ability to conceive. (We got married with the intent that we would have four children, if possible...that was part of the "contract".) I may have been the one to put a legal stamp on the ending of our marriage, but I'm not the one who ended it.

Also, you say you'd only see him in a "safe environment". How would you know? Obviously, you don't think your dh is someone who would rape your kids. If he proved capable of that, you don't know what else he'd be capable of...including breaking into your home, kidnapping your kids, etc. etc. I'll admit that divorce doesn't completely protect against that, but my ex's visitation status with his son is part of our divorce order. I think it would be difficult, from a legal perspective, to protect yourself and your children from an abusive spouse, while still keeping that person as your spouse.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#57 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:30 AM
 
sparkprincess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 3,482
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I voted yes.

I would consider divorce an option for the following situations:

Spousal abuse
Child abuse
Drug/Alchohol abuse
Cheating

For me, I wouldn't consider divorce for any other situation, and I know people who have successfully worked through some of the above situations and I think that's awesome, if you can do it. I think that because of my past I would never be able to stay with someonw who sexually abused my child or cheated on me. I would never be able to trust again. Especially with the sexual abuse. It can be done so covertly....
sparkprincess is offline  
#58 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:47 AM
 
LoveChild421's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: North GA
Posts: 4,593
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
gethane- wow- I would probably be in jail if my man did that to me- seriously- I'm glad you have found happiness, you deserve it

as a mother I know that if anyone ever abuses my child- RAPES MY BABY!- they would be dead- tortured and then killed to be exact- I'm sorry but it is a mother's core instinct to protect her child with all she has- if you are not sent into a fit of total murderous rage upon finding out someone has RAPED YOUR CHILD then to me you are no mother... come on- who is in the same room with someone you trusted and then violently hurt your child and thinks "awww...he must need extra love and counseling!?"

Jen read.gif Mama of 2 precious boys blowkiss.gif (9)  flowersforyou.gif (6)  and still in heartbeat.gif with my Matt hat.gif after 12 years together. 

rainbow1284.gif Domestic Violence Children's Advocate and Counselor hug2.gif

 homebirth.jpg bf.jpg nocirc.gif ribbonjigsaw.gif 

LoveChild421 is offline  
#59 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:54 AM
 
the_lissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 13,248
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow. I am in shock at some things said here.

My grandparents have been separated for more than twenty years. They may as well be divorced. Most people assume they are divorced. I don't understand the point of staying legally married if you are living separate, not as a couple, etc.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

the_lissa is offline  
#60 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:55 AM
 
Greaseball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Eugene, OR
Posts: 8,764
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
And let's not forget that many child rape victims say the thing in their life that was worse than being raped was watching their mothers accept the abusers.

This topic is so outrageous it deserves its own thread. Or perhaps a poll. "Would you get a divorce if you knew your husband had raped your child? Yes or No."

And again, if I make a commitment to my dh to stay with him through damn near anything, shouldn't he make a commitment not to rape anyone?
Greaseball is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off