Is divorce an option? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Is divorce an option when you're having problems in your marriage?
Yes 164 49.10%
No 170 50.90%
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#61 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:05 AM
 
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Well, first I think that leaving rather than divorcing is only arguing the semantics rather than the core. And perhaps those semantics are bound up in religion. But in my opinion, if you're not living as husband and wife, you're not husband and wife. ANd if you are living as husband and wife, well, then you are. Regardless of the legal bits of paper. (But those legal bits of paper can get to be important.) And you can divorce someone you love.

Personally my unconditional love is reserved for my daughter who surprised me by so outstripping my love for my husband (who I love very much,) - I thought they'd at least be more closely comparable, lol.

I also see a number of people saying they would kill their spouse before divorcing, which disturbs me a little. When people DO kill their spouses to get out (and sometimes they really do,) we are all horrified, wondering why they didn't just divorce. I might be forced into a corner where I divorce - I mean people can change in terrible ways maybe via drugs, psyciatric problems, or a person who had been previously living a lie to begin with. But I can confidently say I will never kill my husband unless there is no other possible way to stop a direct and immediate threat of my or my child's life.

And in the case of horrific child abuse? Respecting the choice of those who would technically remain married, I suppose they think they would have the abuser arrested, convicted, and the length of the jail term would be sufficient for the children to be adults. But if that is not the case - divorce is the first avenue I'm aware of that you need to pursue to cut off all contact and parental rights of the abuser. Otherwise... I can't fathom how you would protect your children. (Well, barring murder, which I've already given my opinion over, heh.)
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#62 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:25 AM
 
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I am very disturbed by those who say that they would stay married to their husbands even if they found them raping their child. Who are you people?

Since when does some abstract idea of commitment supercede the health, safety and emotional and physical well being of the person whom you chose to bring into this world.

If you stay married and keep that person in the home with your abuse and victimized child, YOU continue to abuse and victimize that child emotionally yourself. In addition, that child remains in danger every day the abuser remains in the house. Why on earth would you compound the damage done to your child, by forcing that child to face their abuser every day, not to mention what you say about your commitment to your child by keeping a such a horribly dysfunctional family together.

The ones who say divorce IS an option are not the ones in need of counseling here. Those of you who value "your word" over your child's health, sanity and safety really, seriously need to do some soul searching.

I'm a truly blown away by this.
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#63 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:30 AM
 
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Are the people who would stay married to their baby's molester or rapist implying that it's because it's Christian or God's Law?

Because I hope they realize that EVERY single mainstream Christian denomination (including most evangelicals) acknowledge that adultery is BIBLICAL CORRECT grounds for divorce--if you choose not to the it is your choice, but God doesn't impune you for getting divorced in that case.

I would say sexual intercourse with your child constituted adultery.

And you know, I CANNOT IMAGINE that there is not a provision about that in Muslim law or most other religions.

In fact, Jesus even said that anyone who caused damage (including spiritual) to little children would be better served to tie a millstone around their neck and throw themselves in the sea. I would say that's a pretty strong statement against those who directly or through inaction, neglect, or even in his name contribute to their children feeling terrorized or are complicit in their abuse.

Is this no-divorce-even-for-rapists starting to become popular in the really conservative circles? I mean, I was a pretty hard core arch conservative evangelical awhile ago, and I think even Graham, Dobson, LaHaye, Hanegraaf, and just about every well known biblical teacher or evangelist would be horrified to think that people would reject their children in favor of a rapist husband. The only case I can fathom would get support would be if the children were grown and gone, and the wife (or husband) was making the choice to keep a close eye on their spouse and exhorting them to change while protecting the public. I could support that--I'd rather have a wary person with the offender 24/7 than leaving them and not warning anyone else or allowing them to get in a situation where they might be tempted again.

But Christianity's most basic teachings revile those who abuse children.

I really hope this is a personal thing, based on an individual's interpretation of what marriage means, and NOT something that's being taught in a religious community.
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#64 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 02:08 AM
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Yeah, I personally feel when people say things like that for *christian* reasons, they are giving all christians a bad name...

I DO NOT get AT ALL someone who says they would stay married firstly, and secondly saying that they would encourage counseling etc....WHAT THE HELL?? In what world does someone live in who knows ANYTHING about the make-up of a child rapist that actually thinks counseling stops someone from committing the SAME act??????

Seriously, I mean, I am utterly and completely shocked beyond all reason...if someone thinks that someone can say, rape one child then never do it again if they are *loved* through it through counseling etc...that is kind of um....well that is a risk I would NEVER EVER EVER be willing to take with my child!!!

Some people are saying they would stay married but leave the situation and *protect their child* ---are you going to be *seperated* until your child is in college or out of the house?? That is the only way you could physically protect them....NEVERMIND the psychological DAMAGE one would do to take back their CHILD'S RAPIST....

I am capitalizing this because I cannot freaking believe it C H I L D R A P I S T...

and people would actually stay?? ...and admit they would?? ...proudly?????????????? and actually think in some world that it makes them more committed or virtuous or christian or whatever???

I am shocked, I discussed this with my husband earlier--I was so disturbed by it....usually I can leave my online life, online---well except for interesting information, a funny joke etc...but like, I was SO disturbed by this...

I mean, yes, we took vows and meant them COMPLETELY...however, I think in MOST normal healthy marriages, it is an unspoken understanding if you RAPE MY CHILD...all bets are off....it just doesn't sound pleasant in the ceremony ya know what I mean???

Wow.
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#65 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 02:48 AM
 
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I'm pretty much through with this topic as I've basically said what I wanted to say... but I did want to address a couple questions.

Safe environment - counselors office, prison (if it came to that... and yes, I would turn in my DH if he did something like rape my child), etc. Never said I'd give him my new address or anything that would jepordize my child's safety.

Yes, in situations that warranted it I WOULD remain seperated until my child was out of the house.

I am not christian. So their beliefs do not govern my actions.

I NEVER said I would keep an abuser in the same house with me and my children.

No one else has to agree with my decision to never divorce my DH, regardless of the situation. I don't care if we're living together or not... in my personal beliefs marriage is for a lifetime... good, bad, horrible... doesn't matter... LIFETIME. Our wedding vows commited each other "through this life and next"... no where was anything stated about "for as long as you stay a nice person". That's what I'm sticking with. The commitment I made to my DH is unconditional.
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#66 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 03:01 AM
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Quote:
for as long as you stay a nice person
Fair enough...

but I feel that most people would agree that there is a HUGE jump from nice person....to child rapist.....

I wouldn't leave my husband if he just became hard to live with, or we argued a lot, or even if we fell out of love temporarily, or even if he committed adultery (I would consider divorce but it wouldn't be my first option) ...

I guess I just can't agree....nothing will ever make me agree in any scope with what people are saying...I would not want to be connected in any way, shape or form, legally or otherwise to someone like that. I wish I could say "whatever floats your boat"...which is what I can usually say in instances where I disagree...but trying, even for a second to put myself in place of the hypothetical raped child, I would be absolutely devestated, devestated and damaged forever if my mother chose to stay with someone who raped me...even legally...(not legally raped, legally stayed connected even if there was seperation)
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#67 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 04:21 AM
 
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Gethane, and other courageous mamas who got out of bad situations:
you deserve a lot of credit. You did the right thing, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.


I can't believe some of what has been written on this thread. I can't even wrap my mind around it. ITA with what Twilight Girl wrote. It's great to have some ideal about marriage, as with anything, but you have to live in the real world. It seems like some of you are saying, if your DH harmed one of the tender and priceless souls that the universe has entrusted you with, you would value that "marriage ideal" and piece of paper over them. I can't understand this thinking--at all.


I wish my mom would have had the courage some of you mamas have shown. We would have been very poor, to be sure, but I feel confident that we would have led a better life. I am still haunted daily by my childhood.

I don't speak to my mom today. If you choose your husband over your children, you can expect the same.
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#68 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 06:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WinterBaby
...divorce is the first avenue I'm aware of that you need to pursue to cut off all contact and parental rights of the abuser. Otherwise... I can't fathom how you would protect your children. (Well, barring murder, which I've already given my opinion over, heh.)

Now this is another issue. I'm not sure how accurate it is but it's worth a consideration.


I’d like to say that I did read all the posts and no one is unheard. I’m sorry if anyone thinks that. I just don’t think saying and individual saying they will remain married even in the case of abuse is devaluing anyone’s experience. I don't think anyone is telling you you did the wrong thing. I certainly am not! I'm sorry if it feels that way to anyone here.


BUT, I think there a lot of accusations going on and a lot of “I don’t get that” to the few people who said they would stay even in the most disgusting situation. If you don’t get it ~ you don’t get it. You have the opportunity to try to “get it” right now. Just ask them.

If someone made a vow “In sickness and in health” and they choose to hold that vow, I don’t think there is any reason to look down on that person. No one said they are going to continue living with a dangerous person or expose their kids to danger. No one said they are going to look the other way and allow their children to be abused.

They said they would not break their commitment to their partner. What does that mean, I wonder?

Whatever it means, there are too many assumptions going on here about what that means for them. There’s too much moral superiority waving around before we really know what we’re gasping about.

Maybe it’s because you all saw the Opera episode…

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
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#69 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 06:15 AM
 
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Greensleeves


Quote:
Originally Posted by Greensleeves
Gethane, and other courageous mamas who got out of bad situations:
you deserve a lot of credit. You did the right thing, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Ditto.
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#70 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 08:31 AM
 
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I would be absolutely devestated, devestated and damaged forever if my mother chose to stay with someone who raped me...even legally...(not legally raped, legally stayed connected even if there was seperation)
ITA

Quote:
I wish my mom would have had the courage some of you mamas have shown. We would have been very poor, to be sure, but I feel confident that we would have led a better life. I am still haunted daily by my childhood.
I'm so sorry Greensleeves. It makes me so angry when I see or hear of women I think are risking their children in favor of a relationship. I just want to scream, ya know men come and they can go, but your children are your children for life.

And perhaps it's possible for a termination of parental rights (which is no easy thing to get) without a divorce, but if a criminal case has failed, I can't even imagine trying to make such an argument in front of a judge while acknowledging nothing went on that was worth divorcing over. New addresses are not so hard to locate, and a spouse that still has legal rights can really cause untold headaches if being malicious. Perhaps what is meant is a legal seperation, and that might protect a bit more in terms of things being joint property, debt, etc. But legal seperation v. divorce? yeah, semantics.
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#71 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 11:09 AM
 
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I didn't see the Oprah episode, but living apart or divorcing are the same thing in my mind. Ask my grabdparents. I really don't see what the difference is.

I have a few friends of divorced parents and most of them agree that things were much happier and better for their emotional well being after they divorced. I also know a couple people whose parents waited until they were grown up to divorce "for the good of the children." Well, they have more guilt and other issues than the people whose parents divorced as kids.

I'm sorry but if one of my parents stayed married to someone who raped me or anyone else for that matter, that person would never be in my life again.

Yes I made a vow, but both my partner and I agree that our daughter's physical and emotional health come before us.

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#72 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 11:22 AM
 
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abac, I was surprised by the same thing too. One of my first posts here was about problems with DH and I was very surprised by how many told me to either get him a brain transplant or divorce him-- and if I didn't I was stupid and weak. I did vote "yes" though, because of course divorce should always be an option for a woman-- it's a human right-- but sometimes I feel like people on anonymous boards like this one are quick to have a harsh verdict.
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#73 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 11:53 AM
 
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There are many ways to violate another human being, not all of them are physical. When you stay married to someone like that, you're telling your children that what he did was okay, and that your "committment" is more important than their spiritual and emotional well-being. Because it doesn't matter if they're not in the same house, you're damaging their souls. The End.

Thank the universe my mother left my father after 10 years of us all being beaten. When she found out years later that he had been molesting me and raping my brother, she told him she'd kill him if he ever came near us again. I can't even imagine how sickened and betrayed I would feel if she had stayed married to a man who did such horrible things to us. He's in prison now for kidnapping a 10 year that he intended to murder and rape.

They don't change.

My CHILD is my ultimate committment. Quite frankly, if my husband ever told me, "Gee, you know, if you ever raped our children, I'd be mad, but I'd still love you and I'd stay married to you!" I would take my children and RUN. Because that is a twisted line of thought.

This board makes no sense sometimes. You're a horrible person if you yell at your kid, but staying with a baby rapist is no problem? Good lord.

So I voted yes. I don't think you should run at the first problem, but there's certainly a line. It is NOT healthy for children to grow up in abusive homes, or even in loveless ones. I think there are two extremes (staying no matter what, and leaving once the honeymoon is over), but I think the sensible answer lies somewhere in between.

And for the record, I'm not trying to make anyone who said they would stay with a child rapist feel bad, but as someone who has actually BTDT as a child, I can't help but have an intense and triggering reaction to that.
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#74 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hmm, where to begin?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greaseball
in many states it is illegal to live with a man who has victimized your child if that child is still living with you.

I guess I don't love my dh unconditionally. I love my children unconditionally, but also realistically. If they were murderers I would visit them in prison and write all the time and talk to them, but not make any effort to hide them in my house.
Read my posts carefully and don't read into them what isn't there. I did not say I would continue living with my dh if he victimized my child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by gethane
Well, I'll just say that once you become a mama, your FIRST priority is your young children. And if you want to punish yourself by staying married to a child rapist, then I really feel sorry that you think so little of yourself. There is really no justification in my mind for putting vows to a MAN before your children.
I did say my first priority is protecting my child. I did not say I would put my vows before my child. I actually think quite well of myself and would not be punishing myself by staying. Loving someone who does horrible things does not mean I must suffer in doing so.

Amy, thank you for reminding people what I wrote. I am trying to be as clear as possible, but people keep making assumptions. I WOULD NOT LEAVE MY CHILD IN HARM'S WAY NOR CONTINUE TO LIVE WITH ANYONE WHO RAPED MY CHILD!!! There, is that clear now?
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
I don't really get what the big difference is between "divorce" and "leaving?" So the piece of paper still says you're married, but you live your lives apart just as though you were divorced? What's so virtuous about that, if your values are that not divorcing is better than divorcing? Why does it imply some higher level of commitment than divorce?
Well, I think amy said something similar, but the difference is I would not be living my life apart from him just as though we were divorced. I would still have loving contact and support for my dh and encourage him to heal. I would continue to help him in any way that I could. I never claimed to be "virtuous."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride
If you don't mind my asking, what did your marriage vows say?...Also, you say you'd only see him in a "safe environment". How would you know?
I know these questions were posed to Amy, but I'll respond anyway. My marriage vows said that I will take my dh to be my dh "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part." If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't have said "I do."
As for a safe environment, well, police stations seem pretty safe, as do counselors offices, and seeing as how he'd probably be in prison if he did something horrible, monitored visitation in a prison.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveChild421
if you are not sent into a fit of total murderous rage upon finding out someone has RAPED YOUR CHILD then to me you are no mother... come on- who is in the same room with someone you trusted and then violently hurt your child and thinks "awww...he must need extra love and counseling!?"
Well, it's not neccesary to attack other's mothering abilities. I won't respond any further to your posts in this thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twilight girl
I am very disturbed by those who say that they would stay married to their husbands even if they found them raping their child. Who are you people?
Quote:
Originally Posted by twilight girl
Since when does some abstract idea of commitment supercede the health, safety and emotional and physical well being of the person whom you chose to bring into this world.

If you stay married and keep that person in the home with your abuse and victimized child, YOU continue to abuse and victimize that child emotionally yourself. In addition, that child remains in danger every day the abuser remains in the house.
Who said they would do this??

Tigerchild, I am not a christian.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBomb
When you stay married to someone like that, you're telling your children that what he did was okay, and that your "committment" is more important than their spiritual and emotional well-being. Because it doesn't matter if they're not in the same house, you're damaging their souls. The End.
Well, I must disagree. Loving someone does NOT mean that you agree with their actions and I think this is a valuable lesson for children (and maybe some MDC posters?) to learn.
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#75 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:36 PM
 
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Yes, I cannot fathom how somebody would stay married to someone who rapes their child. As others have pointed out, this would be devastating to the child. Even if you stay seperated until they have grown, then take him back, you are still accepting and continuing to have a relationship with the person who raped your child. As Greensleves wrote, you can expect your child would never talk to you again. And why bother doing AP parenting now? The damage from that would overshadow any of the comparably piddly parenting decisions we see as so important on this board. Might as well circ them with no anasthetic, CIO, spank, have a field day.

And talk about martyrdom. Your spouse rapes your children. You seperate, and go through the hardship of creating a new life as a single parent while he rots in jail for awhile. You continue to see him in prison or a counsellors office? And obviously spend the next 15+ years until your children are grown devoid of any love relationships, while you wait for the molester? That's no life IMO.
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#76 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:36 PM
 
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I can only imagine how betrayed children would feel. Thankfully, the chances of it happening are likely pretty slim.

The reason I say you must think low of yourself is because you would then be leaving yourself left with a lifetime ALONE. Single motherhood, lowered income, no one to share the burdens, no one to share the bed. I think children benefit when they can see on a daily basis a healthy marital (or partnered, not to discriminate against those that are already discriminated enough, sorry I forgot to put this in earlier) relationship, and what you've described would IN NO WAY qualify as healthy, whether he was in the house or not. I DID get that you and another would "separate." What message does that teach your children. That you feel more strongly about your husband, than their wellbeing (emotional or physical). It doesn't matter if that's not what it means TO YOU. That's what your children would SEE.

eta posted while thismama did. Didn't intentionally repeat so many of the same themes.
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#77 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:52 PM
 
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Not speaking for anyone here, but I think it is very possible that thinking of marriage as unconditional is helpful. I know that when I think of marriage (partnership) as very conditional it’s difficult for me to function in the relationship.

I do think that challenging the concept of an unconditional marriage with something like child rape is a touch ridiculous and possibly some sort of logical fallacy.

It’s almost impossible to discuss whether an abused child would be damaged further by a parent who was committed to an unconditional marriage.

I think abac is talking about choosing to love someone unconditionally and I don’t see what’s NOT “AP” about that. I don’t know, you want to talk modeling ~ modeling unconditional love and support for someone dear to you is at the top of that for me.

How can it be so easy to understand that when it comes to our kids and impossible to understand for our partners?

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#78 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:53 PM
 
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BTW, I'm not Christian either.

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#79 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 12:58 PM
 
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The difference is... you are not your partner's mother. You are not responsible for shaping them, you are not responsible to protect them like you are your children. They are adults, and vowing to "stay through it all" is scary IMO.

Like Greaseball said, if you are willing to commit to stay with somebody forever, that person should be willing to commit to not raping your children.

If you don't have that, you don't have anything. Staying forever is pointless then, IMO. You're just martyring and harming your children.
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#80 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:01 PM
 
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I’ve been trying to think of something that I think is similar to the child rape thing being brought up here because it just doesn’t seem ‘right’ to me.

Maybe like with pacifists. I have a hard time understanding how someone could say that they would *never* use physical force against another person. I’ve seen them challenged with things like self defense or protection of a child.

I certainly don’t “get” how a person could think they would not raise a fist to protect their child but that’s “okay”. I don’t need to get it in order to not think they’re ‘wrong’, yk?

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#81 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
If you don't have that, you don't have anything. Staying forever is pointless then, IMO. You're just martyring and harming your children.
Cross post. I shouldn’t even be here anyway, sorry. I simply can’t get all riled up about a hypothetical tragedy and whether or not someone’s decision to stay married after will harm that child further.

Seems like a bad use of the issue of child rape in the first place.

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#82 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama

How can it be so easy to understand that when it comes to our kids and impossible to understand for our partners?
Maybe because some of us have already had life experiences that reflect our opinions on this. I want to hear from someone that has had a spouse commit terrible betraying acts that says they still believe in an unconditional marriage. For example, I was in marriage counseling, up until the day the 16 year old knocked on my door, explained that my ex was her probabtion officer and he coerced her into performing sexual acts. The experience of actually having that happen to you is somewhat different than just a theoretical discussion of unconditional marriage.

I think its also important to remember, that some of us MAY have experiences as children of parents that may have committed acts we don't feel comfortable sharing.
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#83 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama
Cross post. I shouldn’t even be here anyway, sorry. I simply can’t get all riled up about a hypothetical tragedy and whether or not someone’s decision to stay married after will harm that child further.

Seems like a bad use of the issue of child rape in the first place.
I'm glad for you that its hypothetical. Situations similar to this aren't hypothetical to some people.
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#84 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:10 PM
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I have come to a valuable conclusion then I guess.

I have NO problem with my love or commitment being conditional as it relates to saying to my husband without a word or thought or guilt...

"If you R A PE ...not to be graphic, but I mean, I feel this is being taken SO lightly...that is, if I WALK in and SEE you LAYING on TOP of our VIRGIN 3 year old DAUGHTER with your PENIS inside her...or something otherwise as henious, evil, and disgusting.....I WILL NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER. MY LOVE (in that instance) IS CONDITIONAL."

The fact that some people here are actually saying that they would stay is absolutely REVOLTING to me and I don't care....

Saying your child would be safe if your husband was in counseling...phhhhhtttt...

....and what if you seperated until your child was 30 and *safe*? You would invite the person who RAPED your child back into your life..and your BED????????????????

I just can't even....

I honestly can't believe it. No, I don't WANT to believe that. I don't WANT to believe there are normal *looking* normal *acting*, alleged AP type people who in normal circumstances I might let my children play with their children---who are thinking like that.
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#85 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:11 PM
 
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I dont think it's a bad "use" of child rape. The question is: Is divorce an option? Some people said no, period. I think it's logical to challenge an absolute statement with a question about the an extreme situtation. And raping one's child is as horrible as it gets. And it's not that uncommon, so we're talking about something that actually could and does happen.
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#86 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:12 PM
 
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I just cross posted with everyone south of Identity Crisis Mama.

And I agree with them all, especially gethane and Captain C.

ETA - Oops, only gethane and Captain C have posted. :LOL
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#87 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
I just cross posted with everyone south of Identity Crisis Mama.

And I agree with them all, especially gethane and Captain C.

ETA - Oops, only gethane and Captain C have posted. :LOL
Well, you agree with us SOO MUCH that we count for more than 2 people
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#88 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:18 PM
 
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Even if a child wasn't molested/beaten/raped, doesn't a woman (or a man) deserve to have a little bit of happiness, after the person they loved and trusted tried to break and destroy them? You should simply separate, and never divorce? You should just suffer for the rest of your life? You should allow that person to continue to control you until the day you die, keeping you from moving foward and making a new beginning with someone who might treat you kindly, and give your children a real example of a loving relationship... over a legality? Gimme a break.
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#89 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:20 PM
 
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Oh honolula, once again you don't understand.

Yes, of course you should. Suffering is virtuous. Especially when women do it.
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#90 of 275 Old 05-15-2005, 01:21 PM
 
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To get back to the original question .. absolutely, I believe divorce is an option. Not just for abuse or adultery, either; I'd be willing to consider it at any time we got to a point where we just weren't happy and none of our efforts to fix it were working. You see, I vowed "as long as our love shall last" and although I tend to prefer the optimist view of that phrase, that we'll be together beyond this life, I also am willing to take the less positive view, that we may someday stop loving each other.
Now, I'm not saying htat the first time things get rough I'll be gone, but I'm not going to be in one of those relationships where there's no love or even like, just a dreary grinding on "for the children" or from some belief in commitment or simple inertia. I really can't see that happening to us, since we both put a lot of effort into keeping each other happy, but if it did.
I've seen so much more damage done to people whose parents stayed together than to those whose parents divorced. It would devastate me to see one of my kids in a loveless relationship, so I wouldn't want them to grow up seeing that.
My husband and I are on the same page about this. I think in a way it makes our relationship better, because neither of us loses sight for long of the need to keep stoking the fires. Not that we're at all insecure about it; actually, we're both very confident that we'll be together forever.
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