Is there such a thing as a one sided affair? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-31-2005, 01:37 AM
 
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I so know.
and I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sorry he won't go to counseling with you. I wish I had something helpful to add but I am mad for you and I am mad for me and I am mad for every other women whose husband has turned to the sympathetic ear of some other woman when they should have been home working on thier relationship they already have. I am mad at the men but I am really wmad at the women who know good and well what they are doing and like the attention. no I don't have issues or anything. . . .

even if he won't get counseling go get it for yourself. win or lose in this whole thing you need to be healthy for you and your children.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 05-31-2005, 01:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you Lilyka

And if you don't mind me asking....what did he do to you? Maybe we can club em together! HA!
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Old 05-31-2005, 10:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lilyka
I am mad at the men but I am really wmad at the women who know good and well what they are doing and like the attention.
This may well be entirely beside the point, but I've spent a lot of time talking with a couple of male friends over the years who were having relationship problems. I really don't think there's anything wrong with that -- these men are my friends, and they needed someone to talk to.

Of course I encouraged them to seek counselling and helped them figure out ways to work things out with their partners.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's entirely possible for a woman to be a genuine friend to a man who's having marriage problems.

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
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Old 05-31-2005, 08:43 PM
 
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I would never let someones husband come over and whine to me about thier relationships. That is not helpful. it is not fair to thier wives. If my friends hsband (or even a married man whose wife i didn't now) started telling me how bad thier wife treated them or that they were having problems or just wanted to be my frien I would send them to thier wives. Life is short, days are short thier time and attention needs to be onthier wives and thier children and male friends who they can be safe from emotional/sexual atatchments.

I have made it very clear to my dh from before we got married that it is not OK to me for him to be friends with women. That I want all of that sort of attention. he can hang with the guys all he wants and we can be friends with couples but no alone time/close relationships are exceptable. He refuses to accept that and as soon as we were having problems he ended up in love with the first woman who came along. and guess what they bonded over . . . "my SO sucks and I am not loved enough whaahwaaa" wel maybe if either one of them had gone home to thier SO and tried to work on thier relationship and done the hard work ni the hard relationship they could have avoided all the pain thier relationship caused.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 05-31-2005, 10:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Bleu
That is sexist drivel.
agreed
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Old 06-01-2005, 12:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by lilyka
I have made it very clear to my dh from before we got married that it is not OK to me for him to be friends with women. That I want all of that sort of attention. he can hang with the guys all he wants and we can be friends with couples but no alone time/close relationships are exceptable.

Ok - I ask this now - do the same rules apply to you? are you not allowed to have any men friends? WEre you both jsut supposed to abandon the friendships you had with members of the opposite sex because they were the opposite sex?

THat makes no sense to me at all. DH is allowed to have whatever friendships he wants - as am I. I was not about to dump the many male friends I had becuase I committed to DH.

And in the OP's case it wouldnt' have mattered because they are friends with both the woman AND HER SPOUSE.
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Old 06-01-2005, 12:27 AM
 
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I agree Mommy STormRaven.

I have lots of male friends, and I am not going to drop them, and my partner has a couple female friends as well.

That line of thinking is so foreign to me.

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Old 06-01-2005, 12:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by the_lissa
I agree Mommy STormRaven.

I have lots of male friends, and I am not going to drop them, and my partner has a couple female friends as well.

That line of thinking is so foreign to me.
Thank you!

One of my very BEST friends is one of my Ex's even the Ex that was my "backup" we had such a good ongoing relationship that we had decided that if we didnt' find THE ONE then we'd get married. I'd still bet that we know more about each other than our spouses know about us simply becuase we have known each other much longer. Hel, jsut sunday he said that I still hold the #1 place with certain "talents" over anyone else - including his wife. But tah is jsut it - we both know that we are friends and that is it. He was the High Priest at our handfasting/wedding and he did the naming ceremonies for both of our children.

If you cannot be secure with the friendships that your partner has then you really to need to question why you are with them IMO.
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Old 06-05-2005, 05:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I never once questioned any of my dh's relationships with any of his friends. After all they were the people that introduced me to him in the first place. But they were also the ones who did not tell me that he pulled this kinda s*it all the time in HS and in college, until I confided in my BF about the situation who is also friends with "Katie" and she wasn't at all surprised by his actions. WHY THE (BLEEP) didn't they tell ME???? Aren't your friends supposed to tell you this kinda stuff when you first start dating a guy they have known longer than you? How could I have missed this?

But he did make a call to a counseler here in town for HIM....which surprised me b/c he said no the first time I asked. And he said once he got his stuff together then we can work on this....which he is also leaving me in the dark about.
GOD why does this have to be so frustrating????????
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Old 06-06-2005, 12:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven
Ok - I ask this now - do the same rules apply to you? are you not allowed to have any men friends? WEre you both jsut supposed to abandon the friendships you had with members of the opposite sex because they were the opposite sex?
yes they do apply to me as well. I do not have any close male friends. There are some couples we are close to but only socialize with as a couple. This is to protect us from forming attatchements that might threaten our marriage, avoid any hint of suspision and to protect the marriages of our friends. There is no need that can't be met by my husband or a girlfriend. I simply don't need to have close male friends that I confide in and form emotional attatchments to or spend alone time with.

And even before I was with my husband ( we have been serious since we were 17 and he was my only boyfriend) I didn't hang out alone with members of the opposite sex. I have male fiends but we only hung out in groups or in family groups. It was simply to protect us from growing emotionally or sexually attracted to someone before we were ready for that sort of relationship. And everyone I know feels the same way.

I have to say if my dh had a previous partner that he thought was better in bed than me and told her he thought so (or told anyone else or continued to compare me to her) I would be livid.

Iguess we come from completely different cultures. My dh and I talked about it just yesterday, about what was acceptable and what was not and he agreedw with me after I explained my point of view. I expect my dh to be my best friend and that he won't give anyone else more than he gives me in any area. if he refuses to work hard enough to make our relationship great then he would have to settle for less than whatever he is giving me in every other relationship he has. I expect absolute loyalty and devotion from my dh. I want to be his nnnumber one friend. maybe I am expecting alot but he knew this si what I expected when we got married.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 06-06-2005, 12:46 AM
 
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And now after all this time, I still have nightmares, I can't have a normal sex life with him b/c in the back of my head I'm wondering if he's thinking about her... and I'm constantly wondering if he's faithful to me. And I never had thoughts like these before. I completely trusted him and our marriage. Now though.... I just don't know what to do. am I crazy for still feeling this way? I still cry about it, I still am so pissed that he took away my trust in him. Should I let it go? Is there anything such as a one sided affair? Should I trust him? HELP!
you don't have to trust him. if your gut says not to, then don't! there's no "should" about trust, IMO. he violated your trust in him. it's his job to earn it back, if ever.

you are definitely NOT crazy! my ex had a "one-sided" affair in 1997 and i was still upset about it in 2001, still having nightmares about it. (well, i learned of it in '97, it started in '95). i really tried to get past it, and we did have a lot of good times in amongst the bad times. but then i had some weird gyn. symptoms, i'd read about chlamydia and it rang a bell, and when i made the appt. to see my ob-gyn, he finally blurted out the truth ... it hadn't been one-sided, he'd had sex with her for 2 years! only the thought that i might have gotten a disease made him tell not trust, or integrity, or anything like that. anyway, it was just vaginitis and it went away. but his lies were still there. it was like a brick WALL between us. we still tried to keep it together, we'd been married 10 years, but we divorced in '02. it was a lot of things, but it was also the fact that i never trusted him again. not even about the tiniest thing!! like, if he said he'd mail a bill payment, i couldn't bring myself to trust him to do it.

so, you are definitely not crazy. and the affair may not have been one-sided, especially with all the extra details he was telling you about. i am so sad just thinking about your situation, i don't even know you but i keep thinking "she deserves better than that!" {{{{{{hugs, mama}}}}}}

ETA after reading rest of thread: wow. so it was with a good friend of both of you? ok, this is exactly what happened with my ex. i found out about the "one-sided" affair by finding a printed-out letter he left in his briefcase (yes, i was snooping, after he kept turning off the monitor every time i walked past him to get to my computer). he said it was an email he never sent, and refused to explain why it was printed out. it was like he wanted to get caught, somehow. anyway, the "good" friend played me like a fiddle the whole time. all of our other friends knew they were having an affair, i felt stupid because i was the last one to know.

anyway, when you said he refused to get counseling, that reminded me of my ex, and also my husband now he is very, very insistent that he'll never go to marriage counseling. i don't want to sound sexist, but is that a guy thing??

my ex and i had an agreement about what was and was not cheating ... we didn't consider fantasies or even flirting to be cheating. even holding hands or hugging a good friend was ok, as long as we were open about it. because i'm a very affectionate person (at least i used to be ) so he knew i had male friends and if they needed comfort i'd hold their hand or hug them. i talked openly and frankly about how i felt about my male friends, and female as well, since i'm bi. i *thought* he was talking openly as well, because he confided in me secret fantasies about some of his coworkers. someone who confides in you couldn't possibly betray you, right? wrong.

i hope you can find resolution to this, that's the best possible outcome for both of you. perhaps he'd agree to joining you in counseling sessions if you saw a counselor about how you feel about the betrayal? that's not marriage counseling, sometimes that makes it easier on the husband to just visit once or twice.

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Old 06-08-2005, 03:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you mellybean. I hve some sudo-good news. He just went to his own therapy session. (by himself which actually surprised the out of me) I don't know why exactly he decided to go for himself first...he said he better get his issues out of the way first and once his head is clear he can work on us....WTF? He has this way of making everything about him, which is really irritating. He says he wants me to get angry and emotional about all of this, to not keep it in anymore, but then the first time I tried, he shut me up and made me feel guilty about it....making the whole thing about him, becuase he's overworked, overstressed...etc. Like he's the only one here that's overworked, overstressed....just b/c I stay at home doesn't mean I sit on my butt all day like some people think. If I got paid for my job, I'd make more than him doubled or tripled. If I can't voice my emotions how am I ever going to move on????
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Old 06-08-2005, 03:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka
And even before I was with my husband ( we have been serious since we were 17 and he was my only boyfriend) I didn't hang out alone with members of the opposite sex. I have male fiends but we only hung out in groups or in family groups. It was simply to protect us from growing emotionally or sexually attracted to someone before we were ready for that sort of relationship. And everyone I know feels the same way.

(snipped)

Iguess we come from completely different cultures.
Yes, Obviously we do. I didnt' meet and marry my DH until after I turned 30 and had already been divorced once. For me not to have had any male friends taht I was close to in 15 years of dating would have been a VERY foolish expectation on DH's part.

And My male friend is still one of my (and DH's) best friends - as is his wife. He is the High Priest that married DH and I and I would be very foolish to let a simple thing like the sex of this person to get in the way of a beautiful friendship.

I understand you were very young when you met your DH and he was your only BF but that is not the case with me. I'm nearly 37 and I have been with DH for 6 years - he would have been very foolish and very dissappointed if he has drawn a line like the one you and your DH have drawn for you. ANd I'm glad that works for you but there is simply no way that would ever work for us.

But I am curious... are you not allowed to go to any clergy for spirtual counseling? Since most clergy is male I jsut wonder if the same prohibition exists in that regard.
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Old 06-09-2005, 06:26 PM
 
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The fact is that people do love more than one other person in a lifetime. Limiting love might be practical but it is not a reasonable expectation to make of people, or the "infidelity" and divorce rates wouldn't be as high as they are.

For me it's the honesty. To discover there was this huge secret makes one feel a fool. If he had such strong feelings for another person, especially someone you knew & were around socially, he should have told you at least when he made his decision to let it go. It was not fair to expose you to potential humiliation by pursuing someone in your social circle. But that said, he did in fact choose to stay with you and let that go, so now it's your turn to make a choice. Stay with him and let it go, or let it wreck your marriage. It's not a one-sided thing- you need to take responsibility for not knowing there was something really heavy troubling him. Yes, a woman who's pregnant or has a newborn needs support, but one of the reasons it's common for a mate to stray at this time is the lady is often completely wrapped up in herself and her baby. It's not about blame or fault- it's just the way things sometimes are. Even the poster whose partner had been having an affair for 2 years- this is not exactly uncommon. It doesn't mean you have to put up with it if you don't want to, but it happens to a whole lot of people.

If you brood about it it will be the catalyst that brings your relationship to a close. Feeling betrayed can take months and years to get past, even with great effort on your part, so if you want to salvage your relationship you need to give it a lot of time, too.

There's also the fact that for some people monogamy is not the way to be happy and healthy, and if he needs to be with other people in some capacity you need either to find a way to make that work or find a way to split up with no hard feelings, because that's no one's fault.

I would try also - this is pure advice because though I try I rarely live up to it- to remember that these are *his* feelings for this woman, and it is, after all, love. Is that really so terrible? Try to keep separate the deception, which he could control, and the love, which is its own thing.
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Old 06-09-2005, 07:15 PM
 
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Yes, a woman who's pregnant or has a newborn needs support, but one of the reasons it's common for a mate to stray at this time is the lady is often completely wrapped up in herself and her baby.
Um, wow. Really, wow. I disagree so completely with this statement. If a grown man cannot wait until the newborn phase is past before he "strays," then he's really not worthy of being a husband or father. I know some women do become rather unhealthily distant from their mates during this time, but IN NO WAY does this temporary babymooning excuse "straying." Yikes.

I think one of the reasons that men screw around during this time is fear of the future, fear of aging into mature father figures instead of the freewheeling men-about-town they dreamed of being. But let's see; Momma just urped a helpless eight pound critter into this world, is physically, mentally, and emotionally beat, and Dad is a victim of her birth-induced narcissism? This mama calls BS.
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Old 06-09-2005, 08:21 PM
 
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I just wanted ot comment on the poster asking if it was so bad that dh was in love with another woman. First, I'd say that would totally break my heart to know my dh had fallen in love with another woman. Second, I would really wonder if this was truly love. Sometimes the excitement of something new and wrong combined with attraction may feel like love. And the fact that this may happen to lots of people doesn't make it the least bit less hurtful. I had a misscariage, and that happens to a lot of people, but it stillhurts like hell! Should I just get over it because it happens to lots of people? That just makes no sense. I'm also with eightyferrettoeson blming a women for being wrapped up with her new baby for an affair is insane! I also disagree that you either have to let it go or it will be the catalyst to ruin your marriage. Working on it and actually dealing with it in fact may be the catalyst to strengthen your marriage. And also if monogamy wasn't his thing, he shouldn't have gotten married!

 
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Old 06-09-2005, 08:27 PM
 
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And also if monogamy wasn't his thing, he shouldn't have gotten married!
Amen.
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Old 06-10-2005, 03:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just to let you guys know at that point in time I was GIO with him more often than not, and there wasn't really anything wrong enough with our relationship to make him do that, he said so himself. So I wasn't all wrapped up in pre-baby stuff unless I was praising the porcelin god (I had really bad morning sickness this time around) He says he was just f-ed up about some things but none of it had to do with us....(well apparently otherwise I would have known about it, and I'm still not sure how much BS is in any of his replies about ANY of this) And he did the most horrible thing the other day. We were at a wedding and she was there, and he went up to her and gave her a hug and made SURE I was watching. He just had this look in his eyes.....and I don't know if he just ment it to be mean, or to see if I would stomp out crying (which I didn't do, I didn't do anything) but I couldn't believe he had the balls to do that. But yeah I'm sure that most of my problem with this is purely hormonal, but he said he loved her and he would not want anything more than to hold her in his arms forever...and he's supposed to want to do that with me. Yeah, he did choose to stay with me, but what if he's just being polite? Or staying with me b/c of our children? i don't want it to be that....but what if it is? He already has told me once here lately that he can't love me like I want him too. That he used up all his romance already. WTF? Yeah a date once in awhile would be nice- but then so would 15 minutes of complete alone time, no kids. I don't care if he buys me crap or takes me to restaurants or whatever, and he knows I'm not like that anyway. It's the little things that matter to me. Like holding my hand when we're walking down the street, or calling me just to say I miss you when he's working late. So I'm thinking maybe he's not completely over her....
I will admit that there is a guy that I have unfinished business with. But I'm not about to dig up old feelings for this person just becuase my marriage is having issues, or spend hours talking to him about things that my husband wouldn't understand, or anything that my dh did. It's in the past. And I love my dh. I'm not about to jeopardize my marriage for a "what if". And what he's dealing with are feelings he had for her in the past. And the feelings are affecting his present and his future. I am willing to work with him to stay together, but I don't think he feels the same way. At least not by the way he's been acting this last month, which is why I started this thread. :
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Old 06-10-2005, 04:01 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this, Cheryl. It's not unreasonable to want your own husband to want you. And I think the wedding hug must have stung your pride and it was a hurtful thing for your husband to do.

Have no advice, just hang in there. I think about you and your situation.
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Old 06-10-2005, 04:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks.
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Old 06-10-2005, 10:31 AM
 
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Cheryl,
That really stinks. I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time, and your husband is behaving so meanly. The wedding hug was just rotten. I hope you can work things out. I wonder if he isn't using this situation as a way to control you. It just seems like the hug along with the counciling on his own, and not allowing you to express yourself might be some type of passive aggressive way to keep you on your toes? Not sure, just wondering if that sounds like something he might do. Take care of yourself, and I really hope you guys can work it out.

 
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Old 06-10-2005, 10:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Bleu
That is sexist drivel.
thank you for saying it
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Old 06-10-2005, 11:00 AM
 
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We were at a wedding and she was there, and he went up to her and gave her a hug and made SURE I was watching. He just had this look in his eyes.....and I don't know if he just ment it to be mean, or to see if I would stomp out crying (which I didn't do, I didn't do anything) but I couldn't believe he had the balls to do that.
This is really unexceptable... it is just heartless. Like putting in the knife, and twisting it. awful. Did he explain himself?
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Old 06-10-2005, 10:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cks321
He says he was just f-ed up about some things but none of it had to do with us....(well apparently otherwise I would have known about it, and I'm still not sure how much BS is in any of his replies about ANY of this)

I really HAVE to comment here....

You condemning him for what in all reality was very likely a big issue he had is jsut not right. You are claiming that you dont' beleive he was "f-ed Up" about things that had nothign to do with you two. The reality is your DH was probably "F-ed up" long before you two got together and the issues jsut never came up until he found himself in a situation that was difficult.

Fact is taht sometimes we jsut dont' realize the issues we have until we are in therapy for something else. I can say this becuase I've BTDT and am Doing it now.
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