What should I do? Please help. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 05-27-2005, 05:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Peaceful mama to three blissfully-birthed and incredible small people: dd10, dd7 and ds5. Always awed and so thankful to be a midwife.
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#2 of 21 Old 05-27-2005, 05:15 PM
 
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First off BIG, BIG 's to you! I am so sorry you are in this position.

I also aspire to be a midwife and I will be one day, just not now. Because I had to leave my dd's extremely abusive father. I put off a lot of dreams. I gave up being a SAHM. School won't happen for me for another couple of years. But that's okay because I'm safe and living in peace and my dd knows only peace in her home. For me, that was far, far more important than any career or education.

I haven't given up any of my dreams or goals... they are just delayed a bit.

I don't think staying in this situation for another four years is a reasonable option. I hope you are able to reach the decision that is best for you.
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#3 of 21 Old 05-27-2005, 05:42 PM
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I understand that the idea of just sort of getting through it once and for all, and then you will be finished with income potential.
Please, you can go back to school later, mama. Please consider finding a way to have peace in your life and home and deferring the midwifery dream jsut a little longer.
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#4 of 21 Old 05-27-2005, 07:36 PM
 
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[QUOTE=blissful_maia]He swears ALL the time, even in front of our 15-month old daughter, and he yells really often too. He pushes me, grabs me, throws things, smashes and kicks things, etc. when he has his little fits. It's really scary. There's even been three or four times that I can think of that he's physically hurt me in front of Ayla. When I go out with friends (rarely, and after Ayla is in bed, no less), I pay for it for days afterwards with the bad treatment I get.
QUOTE]

I am so incredibly sad for you that you refer to this man as the 'love of your life' in your siggy.


There are SUCH better men out there that deserve that kind of accolade.

Be strong
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#5 of 21 Old 05-27-2005, 08:52 PM
 
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I think you already know what you need to do. Do it for your baby, for yourself. Be strong in the confidence that it is the right decision. You don't need to be treated like that, not for any reason in the world. There will always be an excuse to stay, you will have to stop making excuses sooner or later and break free of the abuse. Think of what emotional damage is being done every day you stay in such a bad situation. Not just the emotional toll it's taking on you, but on your daughter. Do you want her growing up thinking that how Daddy treats Mommy is ok? Staying with him is sending her that message. The longer you stay, the more likely she is to end up in a similar relationship when she grows up.
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#6 of 21 Old 05-27-2005, 08:54 PM
 
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You are worth much much more than how this person is treating you!

treehugger.gif  Mama of three daughters chicken3.gif
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#7 of 21 Old 05-27-2005, 11:58 PM
 
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to everything everyone said above. You know what you gotta do. It's gotta be hard to get the guts to do it though. I would find it extremely hard to leave a man that I love if I was in your position... but then my best friend would probably kick me in the arse and tell me to do it already. (Sorry trying to lighten the mood, I've been reading lots of depressing stuff today)
You're a strong mama...remember that. And you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.
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#8 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 12:03 AM
 
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Couldn't pass this up without responding. Many hugs to you, and your daughter, mama.
Please start making plans to leave. In your op you ask if your dd will suffer from witnessing your abuse. The answer is yes. I'm speaking from experience. Also, if you want dd to have a relationship at all with this man, at some point, I would suggest you leave, as the longer you stay, the more she will hate her father. And maybe she should, but if that is a concern of yours, take it into consideration.
I also was saddened that you referred to this man as the love of your life in your siggy.
Get help, get out. I'll be thinking of you sister.

Mama to 3:
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#9 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 12:11 AM
 
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I am sorry, but... Get out. Now, while the getting is good and he has done something you can't "fix"

 

 

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#10 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 12:22 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blissful_maia
He swears ALL the time, even in front of our 15-month old daughter, and he yells really often too. He pushes me, grabs me, throws things, smashes and kicks things, etc. when he has his little fits. It's really scary. There's even been three or four times that I can think of that he's physically hurt me in front of Ayla. When I go out with friends (rarely, and after Ayla is in bed, no less), I pay for it for days afterwards with the bad treatment I get.

... Am I putting Ayla's emotional well-being at stake with my decision?
ABSOLUTELY!! Allowing her to be in that kind of household will do some serious damage. Children who grow up in that kind of environment often struggle with pretty significant self esteem issues, behavior problems, trust issues, abandonment, issues... etc.

Putting your midwifery education off for a few years until both of you are safe will be a big sacrifice, and will be very difficult, but it may save your daughter a lifetime of difficulties.

Even if he's very good to your dd, you're sending her the message that it's ok to be with men who do this. Please do what you can to get out.
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#11 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 12:49 AM
 
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I hope this doesn't sound rude, but I can't imagine any career that is more important then raising my child in a non-toxic environment. I hope there are more options to explore and resources you can tap so that you don't have to depend on himto get through school.
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#12 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 01:19 AM
 
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I agree with everything the pp's have said...leave this situation before it gets worse, it sounds pretty awful already...you and your dd deserve to be respected not abused....dont let go of your midwifery dream and it wont be lost.

blessings to you mama

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#13 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 10:40 AM
 
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Oh mama, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. You don't deserve to be treated in this way. I'd say it is pretty obvious this guy has major issues. He has made them your issues, don't make them your daughter's . I can't imagine how hard it is for you, but you have to pull on your strength as a mother to pull you through this. You may have to put off schooling a little bit, but you can not put off your and your daughter's mental and physical well being. God forbid, one of the days he goes into a rage, it is your daughter who ends up being the one hurt. Please get out! I am sending you strength and support.

 
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#14 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 11:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blissful_maia
Well, now I've been accepted to a really great Midwifery program, to start in the fall. If I was in a financial position that I could leave right now, believe me I would. But I need dp's support to get through the four-year program I am about to begin.
First off, and at your dp.
I don't know if this would apply or work in your situation, but my sister just graduated from college and is a single mom of a 2yo. It did take her longer, but she was able to get great financial aid due to the fact that she was a single mom. Granted, she majored in special ed, so I don't know if midwifery has any of the same types of financial aid, but looking into it wouldn't hurt. It may take longer, maybe taking less classes at a time? I'm not familiar with what is required but thought I would put the idea out there. You also may be eligible for child care help as well. So, it is possible imo to go to school as a single mom. It isn't easy, but it can be done, and you wouldn't be relying on staying in a situation that I think you know isn't good in order to achieve your goals.
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#15 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 11:46 AM
 
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I hope you can find the strength to leave. I know how hard it can be to get out of an abusive relationship let alone with children! get out now though! the longer you wait the harder it will be. also you need to set an example for your daughter. she needs to learn this is not ok for a woman to be treated like this. if you really want to become a mw, do it, don't let him stop you! it sounds like you are already starting to regret your life with him. you can find a way to do it, though it may not be the easiest road.

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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#16 of 21 Old 05-28-2005, 02:18 PM
 
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It's absolutely possible to be a single mama and a student. There are quite a few of us who do it. In fact, it can be an ideal situation for a single mom in that it may very well allow you to have a lot more time with your child than you would have otherwise. (My own situation, for example, is that I spend all day with my child and go to class in the evenings.) You may have to incur debt up front, but it's more than worth it, particularly in a situation like yours where both your and your daughter's emotional and developmental well-being is being eroded every day.

I've read numerous literature stating that the most significant years in a child's emotional development are the first 3. It will be monumentally detrimental to your daughter's well-being to spend these 3 years seeing her mother being emotionally and physically abused by her father. That's not to say that she can't recover from it once you do get out, but a) it's a crap shoot and b) it places too much of a burden on someone so young.

Please do what you need to to get the two of you into a safe, healthy living environment.

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#17 of 21 Old 05-30-2005, 01:19 AM
 
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Two words: Student Loan

I'd much rather go into debt than put my child and myself through four more years of what you described.
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#18 of 21 Old 05-30-2005, 10:06 PM
 
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Another voice agreeing with the PPs. The "love of your life" sounds like an absolute jerk (I would say worse but this is a family-friendly site!) and one thing abusers are great at doing is being really sweet and loving in between the abusive times so that you are like a yoyo. Please don't let him do that to you. And do your daughter.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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#19 of 21 Old 05-30-2005, 10:17 PM
 
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blissful_maia-
I have been thinking about you and your daughter since i read this thread. I hope you are doing OK and am sending you strength to get out of this bad situation. Let us know how you are doing. I know I have been worried about you!

 
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#20 of 21 Old 05-30-2005, 11:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PikkuMyy
Another voice agreeing with the PPs. The "love of your life" sounds like an absolute jerk (I would say worse but this is a family-friendly site!) and one thing abusers are great at doing is being really sweet and loving in between the abusive times so that you are like a yoyo. Please don't let him do that to you. And do your daughter.

blissful maia s

this statement is so true....I feel like this in my marriage, its like a rollercoaster...I want off



blessings~

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#21 of 21 Old 05-31-2005, 01:13 AM
 
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I am 100% agreement with the other posters here. LEAVE! The love of your life is treating yu and your daughter horribly and you both deserve better. You do not need this man. He has nothing to offer but pain and abuse.

You can go to school as a single mom. I have known many who have done it and done it well.

Or you can wait a couple more years. The midwifery program will still be there.

Create the life that you 2 deserve. Show your daughter that you are a strong woman who does not compromise happiness out of fear. Be the woman you want your daughter to grow up to be.
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