Be honest with me: am I a prude? - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-28-2005, 04:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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so i'm a prude...or so dh thinks (he suggested it in a kinda, sorta, joking way. kinda, sorta).

he is constantly horny. i never am.

lately he's been trying to get intimate when the kiddies are in close range. (we have a tiny house, so they are always in close range!) they are 15mo, and almost 4. like, he wants us to lock the door and have sex while they are in the next room playing (which means thay could be at our door in seconds--especially the baby).

safety aside (the baby is at the falls-and-wacks-head-constantly stage) i can't even imagine having sex with my baby outside the door crying for me. or with my almost-4-year old playing his kazoo in the hallway, and asking why he can't come in! yuck! ick!!! no thank you!!!

beyond this total ick factor, i am becoming bothered by the fact that he doesn't seem to think this is a problem. perhaps i'm not a prude, perhaps he's a perv!

what do you think???
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Old 05-28-2005, 04:22 AM
 
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Originally Posted by francy
safety aside (the baby is at the falls-and-wacks-head-constantly stage) i can't even imagine having sex with my baby outside the door crying for me. or with my almost-4-year old playing his kazoo in the hallway, and asking why he can't come in! yuck! ick!!! no thank you!!!
What? That doesn't get you in the mood?

Just kidding, of course. I can't understand how anyone would find that appealing, either.

Maybe you could put the ball back in his court -- he wants sex, let him be responsible for creating the right ambiance. That means children properly attended to for whatever length of time you are comfortable with; a nice, clean bedroom with fresh sheets, nice music, an adult beverage, perhaps a bubble bath, some flowers. If he is motivated, I'm sure he can do all this and more. And if it suits you, maybe then you'll want to have sex with him some of the time. With a 15-month-old and a almost-four-year-old, I bet there's a strong chance that given some childfree time and a glass of wine, you'd probably be in danger of fallling asleep in the bathtub. But hey, if that happens, you'll just be that much more rested, which means happier and more receptive to sex. Just don't drown!
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Old 05-28-2005, 04:52 AM
 
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I cannot telly ou how that was me writing that!!! LOL I have a 4 yo, a 3 yo and a 16 month old. I hate sex now!! Afterall, i am with kids 24-7 running a household and business. and why is it that he can come in the house, ignore the kids crying and go to the bedroom. all of a sudden he says hay babe...... come here real quick!! I KNOW what that means and i reply oh she left about 5min ago sorry LOL ODnt get me wrong. obviuosly with 3 kids in 4 years, we hvae DTD> but I cannot do it when the kids are crying and the laundry eneds to be folded and I have dinner to cook. and I cant tune it out.
I think what you are feeling is NOrmal and that does not make you a prude. I am a very sexual person.... well was before kids. but anyway. I want to get that way again. and I am sure it will happen. hubby and i actually discuss this like veryday. HWat i need from him and what he needs from me. ronamce, fun, carefree sex. whatever. we make it a goal. I totally lost my sex drive after dd2, until it came time to try for dd3. but hten it was lost again. i just got it back. I read a few self help books, and hubby and i frequently discuss our desires.
I awear if you were ever a sexual person it will come back. it just takes time and alot of work, it is worth it though. Sex is NOT everything in a marriage but I feel it is important. I can talk to hangm hang out with, jok around with, dance with.. etc any man..but i only make live to my hubby and that is very imporant


good luck mama,.....

Melissa- homeschooling mom to Samantha ( 9) Gabby ( 8) Emma (6) and Diesel (12 months) and Rachel Rebecca Brock Erik Joe Noah 6-25-10 5 early miscarriages
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Old 05-28-2005, 10:21 AM
 
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You are not a prude and he is not a pervert. Just let him know that you are more than willing to have sex with him if the situation is right. Like the previous poster said, he should be willing to create that environment. Basically, emphasis that you are just not comfortable doing it when the kids are nearby, awake and unsupervised - after all how frustrated would he be if you needed to suddenly stop after starting before he finished? My kids are about the same age and I just can't imagine feeling amorous without them being asleep - just too many variables to worry about.
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Old 05-28-2005, 11:30 AM
 
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I definately don't think you are a prude. Let him know that you are a mom now, and that you have a lot on your mind and on your plate. If he wants to "get busy" he should take someof the burden from you. Take you out on a date. Get a babysitter! Heck, fold the laundry! My husband always laughs, because I'll call him over really seductive like, and say, "hey, honey, you know what would really turn me on.... if you did the dishes and folded the clothes!" The funny thing is it is totally true. When he does things to help me out and pampers me, I am much more likely to be in the mood.

 
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Old 05-28-2005, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by elsie
You are not a prude and he is not a pervert.


:




I don't usually recommend the TV as a babysitter, but..........is there a good, entertaining video you can pop in for the 4 yo. while the 15 month old takes a nap???

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 05-28-2005, 06:13 PM
 
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I bet if he'd shell out for a babysitter to take the kiddos out to the park for an hour, he'd see that you are indeed NOT a prude!

Or maybe three hours. LOL.
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Old 05-28-2005, 06:46 PM
 
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We don't have a door on our room! So we have to put up the babygate, then one of them will be hanging on it wondering why it's up. :LOL
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Old 05-28-2005, 07:16 PM
 
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I don't think I'd want to have sex under those circumstances either!

We only have one child, so it's relatively simple for us to just wait until she's taking a nap or asleep for the night. I wouldn't be comfortable having sex while she was awake -- she'd be sure to need something before we were through!

Even when she's older, I seriously doubt we'll be having sex while she's awake. We tend to view sex as a private activity, and the prospect of being interrupted by a child who needs something from us is not appealing!

I do think it's important to put the housework in perspective, though. The laundry, starting on dinner, that sort of thing can definitely wait once in a while!

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
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Old 05-28-2005, 09:50 PM
 
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It doesn't sound like an issue of whether you are a prude or not, just that there is someone who needs you more than he does at that particular time. Priorities, and all that. Get the kiddies in a safe happy situation with someone else meeting their needs for awhile and challenge him to bring the so-called "prude" out of her shell, lol!! Now that's not to say you can't sneak in a snuggle or a grope now and then, just to motivate him further to remember to call the babysitter.

Honestly my fantasy at this point is to get a babysitter, tell them we are going to dinner, rush off to spend a few hours in a private room somewhere and grab a bite at a drivethru on the way home!!
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Old 05-28-2005, 11:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by francy
so i'm a prude...or so dh thinks (he suggested it in a kinda, sorta, joking way. kinda, sorta).

he is constantly horny. i never am.

lately he's been trying to get intimate when the kiddies are in close range. (we have a tiny house, so they are always in close range!) they are 15mo, and almost 4. like, he wants us to lock the door and have sex while they are in the next room playing (which means thay could be at our door in seconds--especially the baby).

safety aside (the baby is at the falls-and-wacks-head-constantly stage) i can't even imagine having sex with my baby outside the door crying for me. or with my almost-4-year old playing his kazoo in the hallway, and asking why he can't come in! yuck! ick!!! no thank you!!!

beyond this total ick factor, i am becoming bothered by the fact that he doesn't seem to think this is a problem. perhaps i'm not a prude, perhaps he's a perv!

what do you think???

I'm on your husband's side. Sorry. LOL

Invest in some baby gates and a good radio.
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Old 05-29-2005, 12:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by A&A
I don't usually recommend the TV as a babysitter, but..........is there a good, entertaining video you can pop in for the 4 yo. while the 15 month old takes a nap???


gosh, i just can't even imagine having sex while the 4 yr old is awake at all. maybe this is why he thinks i'm a prude. if the boy is awake, then he is occupying too many of my brain cells. i don't want to be thinking about him at all when dh and i are...

we have a super small cottage, so all the rooms are on one floor, and next to each other. too close for comfort where sex is concerned!

i have a friend who has kids the same age, and she has done just this suggestion (baby napping, older with a video). but i just can't conceive of it. i guess i really need a LOT of distance between mothering and "wifing." my brain is so totally full of kids these days. alas, this means very little sex for now. well, this isn't actually such a problem for me, b/c my libido is on hiatus. but dh is just in agony.

man, sex is just about the only thing we argue about. but we argue about it every day. how i wish the whole issue would disappear for a while. maybe i can start slipping salt peter in his morning latte. :LOL right now i'd givejust about anything for a man who desires nothing more than a goodnight kiss, and a goodmorning hug.

thanks for your opinions and ideas!!
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Old 05-29-2005, 02:32 AM
 
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Pop in a video and get them ocupied. its called quickie for a reason.

haveing someone take them for a spin to the park ain't a bad idea though.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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Old 05-29-2005, 02:47 AM
 
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if sex is the only thing you argue about and everything else is great, you are fortunate and I would recomend working on your feelings towards sex with the kids around......they arent going anywhere...you are a *woman* who is a wife and mother...I wouldnt call you a prude (my dh says I am one but he is actually the prude...my sexuality scares him, he cant handle it!) it sounds like maybe you have some issues merging your sensual side with being a mama...I'm sure some alone time with your dh would help...relax, burn some incense, play some music, talk, massage eachother, make love...then try a quicky, burn the same incense, turn on the music, this may all help you relax and get into the moment


blessings~

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Old 05-29-2005, 02:51 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OnTheFence
I'm on your husband's side. Sorry. LOL

Invest in some baby gates and a good radio.


:

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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Old 05-29-2005, 03:31 AM
 
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For me, once I get into the idea of a quickie, it's totally worth it. A few weeks ago we sent ds on a search for a random object upstairs that we knew would take him a few minutes to find and GIO. It was funny and spontaneous. Sometimes we forget that we need to have fun with each other too, not just with ds.

I don't have any advice except to give it a try, maybe if the baby is napping and your older one is into a movie or something. You might be surprised.
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Old 05-29-2005, 03:41 AM
 
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Um.. we have been known to on a couple of occasions to put a movie on and go lock ourselves in the bedroom for a quickie :

It's fun!:LOL
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Old 05-29-2005, 03:47 AM
 
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I honestly love quickies.....way more than dh even!!!

It is a great way to reconnect with your partner.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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Old 05-29-2005, 09:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by francy
right now i'd givejust about anything for a man who desires nothing more than a goodnight kiss, and a goodmorning hug.
There are quite a few of us mamas here who would KILL for a husband who would have sex with us anywhere, anytime...so consider yourself lucky! COme hang out in the "My libido is higher than dh's" threads and you'll be locking the bedroom door for a few minutes in the afternoon I guarantee it.

Isn't this true irony? I want it all the time and my husband has any number of excuses, he even resorts to whining for me to please leave him alone.

The OP doesn't want it at all and she's being chased around the house.

BOO!

All this talk about quickies has me looking for my seductress hat........
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Old 05-29-2005, 09:46 AM
 
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Dh and I have no choice but to have quickies. we have a high needs baby who will sleep alone but only for unknown amounts of time (sometimes 20 minutes sometimes hours and hours) so if he wants to do it we have to hurry. :LOL
It's taken a lot of the fun out of it for me well that and the fact that I have a consatnt nursling and i feel pretty depeleted by the end of the day.

Mom to Iris and Henry
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Old 05-29-2005, 11:05 AM
 
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First- Low libido affected me when I didn't have my cycle back yet from nursing, so that could be part of it, it's easy to find reasons you "aren't in the mood".
Now we are using Strict NFP to avoid pregnancy, so we have only one week per month where we can get together . Suddenly I see the value in some quick time together :LOL. We recently sat the kids (5, 3.5 and 16 months) down in front of a video and gave them each a little snack and told the older 2 that "mommy and daddy need some time alone upstairs to *talk* and that if they could all stay nice and quiet and keep the baby happy and quiet for just a few minutes we would give them a suprise when we were done talking". It went great, except that it took a little longer than expected, dh said knowing he had to do it quick made it harder to do it quick :LOL.

I certainly would not want to do it with the kids right outside the door, but a PP's suggestion of the younger one napping while the older watches a video, or a sitter taking them to the park, etc. sounds like a good idea to me .

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Old 05-29-2005, 11:47 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Peppermint
Now we are using Strict NFP to avoid pregnancy, so we have only one week per month where we can get together . .

Hello one-week-a-month sister!!!! We use the same method and it has been great for our marriage; I don't pressure dh daily for lovin' ...but during the 'safe' week I get as much as I want....everyone wins
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Old 05-29-2005, 11:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by KarmaChameleon

Hello one-week-a-month sister!!!! We use the same method and it has been great for our marriage; I don't pressure dh daily for lovin' ...but during the 'safe' week I get as much as I want....everyone wins
It has actually been really great for our marriage too, hey- maybe we are on to something .

:Patty :fireman Catholic, intactalactivist, co-sleeping, GDing, HSing, no-vax Mama to .........................:..........hale:
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Old 05-29-2005, 12:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by KarmaChameleon
There are quite a few of us mamas here who would KILL for a husband who would have sex with us anywhere, anytime...so consider yourself lucky! COme hang out in the "My libido is higher than dh's" threads and you'll be locking the bedroom door for a few minutes in the afternoon I guarantee it.

Isn't this true irony? I want it all the time and my husband has any number of excuses, he even resorts to whining for me to please leave him alone.

The OP doesn't want it at all and she's being chased around the house.

BOO!

All this talk about quickies has me looking for my seductress hat........


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Old 05-29-2005, 02:30 PM
 
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Well, what is wrong with evenings when the kids are asleep? If you cosleep, I think that daytime sex when kids are otherwise occupied becomes something you should try very hard to get comfortable with. I don't blame you - I highly prefer nightime in my own bed too, but we don't cosleep. I don't think he is a pervert - he is trying to get some lovin'! If you are putting out in the evenings and he ALSO wants daytime when the kids are busy then I vote with you. If he isn't getting any at night for whatever reason, then I vote with him.

I understand differing libidos, I really do. It is easy for us moms to be tired and touched out after a day of taking care of little ones. If you go along, even if you are not particularly interested, you may find yourself happy you did by the end. What do you think of buying yourself a book of erotica for women?
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Old 05-30-2005, 12:08 AM
 
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Francy, I know how hard it can be to find the right time for intimacy with one's partner. Our kids are now 5 1/2 and almost 3 so it does get a little easier after awhile. We have had to get creative with the timing of intimacy in order to actually make it happen. Now, we find time with both kids gone (one at school and one at the babysitter) and play hooky from work for an hour so we can get time together! Also, we've become the masters at finding time for each other during our youngest' nap time and oldest is out on an outing or errand (Farmer's Market, bookstore, library, Jamba Juice) with Grandma for an hour... whatever it takes to get some uninterrupted time together, even if it is just an hour before youngest is waking up. Or what about a potential playdate at a friend's house for your oldest timed during youngest' nap time?

And yes, there's nothing more attractive than dh doing household work in order to lift the burden of things we should be doing (household/yard/errands/etc.) instead things we want and need to be doing (spending time alone together)! My dh just started a new job that is 10 minutes from our house (instead of 30-40 minutes), so we hope to take advantage of him going in late occasionally so we can spend time together after the kids are dropped off in the morning.
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Old 05-30-2005, 12:30 AM
 
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My dh works two jobs. On is nigh shift 9-6 the other use to be 8-2/3. We do the lock the door method. We sneak down stairs.

I don’t think you are a prude, but I do think you need to lighten up a little. One thing that might help is to think about sex positively more often. You really need to see yourself more than a mother, YOUR DH DOES! You are more to him than his kids mom.

Your relationship might also benefit from teasing. Teasing him could do you good by turning you both on.
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Old 05-31-2005, 03:27 PM
 
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Nothing overly helpful to contribute but my parents used to say they were going to discuss our Christmas or birthday presents (our birthdays were in July) and to stay where we were and play quietly. My parent's bedroom had frosted glass on one of the doors. I never understood why they discussed our presents in the dark. :LOL

I guess what I am saying is you aren't a prude and he isn't a pervert. You both just need to meet halfway and realize the kids aren't going away and will soon be of an age where they'll know what you're doing in there. Although I must admit I was in college by the time I realized my parents hadn't been talking about presents. I"m so greedy.
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Old 05-31-2005, 07:44 PM
 
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Although I must admit I was in college by the time I realized my parents hadn't been talking about presents. I"m so greedy.[/QUOTE]

Too funny. Mine used to go "take a nap" and it REALLY didn't hit me until my ds was born that, just perhaps, they weren't actually sleeping. I was just never inquisitive enough.
:LOL

How dumb am I? Took 23 years to realize what was going on.

Anyways, yeah, you gotta take care of that man of yours somehow, sometime. Some of us are jealous of the attention you're getting!
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Old 05-31-2005, 08:39 PM
 
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Ugh! My mom always used to say that they were going to "take a nap"

I was wise beyond my years, and I caught on very quickly to what they were doing. It made my sister and I want to :Puke

I agree with everyone else here. If it happens during the day then we put a movie on for them and give them some snacks. If its night time its no big deal. We even co-sleep, but we make sure he is far over on his side of the bed....its rare if the little one ever wakes up, and if he does its dark and he has no idea what's going on.

Just hang in there though. It does get better. My youngest is almost 2, and I am just now getting my mojo back. Somehow with 4 kids ages 7 and under dh and I still manage to find time for ourselves. It will all work out just be patient.
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