is my marriage just odd? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 37 Old 06-12-2005, 11:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i read all the different threads and it makes me think, my dh and i are freaks.
he makes the money, i handle the money.
if i want him to do some chores.... he does them. if he needs me to do something i do it. no whining, no fighting we just help each other out, even if it means sacrificing something we really wanted to do ourselves.
we truly enjoy being married to one another. and sure.... do we have a cranky day every now and again, certianly we do. but its not often, matter of fact, its downright rare that one of us does something so stupid that the other one gets mad.
i would never have to ask his permission to go out or spend money... nor does he. we just are of the habit of telling each other, so we are able to plan our week out.
maybe it sounds corny or nerdy... but i have a hard time sleeping without him next to me.
i don't have any real reason for posting this... i just sometimes get the impression that most marriages are unhappy ones. and thats just kind of sad.
please tell me there are other blissful happy relationships out there!
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#2 of 37 Old 06-12-2005, 11:52 PM
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My marriage is not like yours, but that doesn't mean that we're unhappy. We fight and then make up. Absence of fighting doesn't always equal happiness, and fighting doesn't always equal unhappiness.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#3 of 37 Old 06-12-2005, 11:53 PM
 
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Our marriage is odd too then...I like odd... :LOL
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#4 of 37 Old 06-12-2005, 11:58 PM
 
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I guess we are odd too! :LOL I read alot of the issues in this forum with genuine sadness for people I wish everyone could know a deeply satisfying relationship built on mututal respect.
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#5 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:16 AM
 
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We're odd too

I think in a forum like this it seems like everyone has problem marriages just because the people who post are the ones looking for support and advice, KWIM? Those of us who don't have nothing to ask about, so we begin to seem like the minority (and I kinda feel bad about "bragging" when so many people do have serious problems)
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#6 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:16 AM
 
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Don't assume that just b/c people use this space to vent or work stuff out in the anonymous world of cyberspace that their marriage/relationship is sad or to be pitied. They may be happy, loved and in love, etc., but use this forum to hash stuff out or seek advice in a supportive space. I'm sure many would love to have a peaceful, conflict-free, no-whining relationship like yours. Thanks for sharing about it.

I know this sounds really snippy, but when I read your post, it seems very smug and judgemental. People struggling to deal with issues in their life generally don't need to hear that you don't have any or that you have the perfect way of dealing with them.
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#7 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:17 AM
 
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count me as another oddball

-Angela
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#8 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:19 AM
 
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I don't think it's odd. I think people tend to post about their marriage, when they are having an issue, so it seems like everyone has major problems because that's all you see. I mean, I might post for advice on an argument or something so I can get a reality check on if I'm overreacting or something like that, but when everything is just going along swimmingly it doesn't occur to me to talk about it. What would I write? A post about how mundane today was? :LOL Posts titled Another Peaceful DInner. Watched A Movie Together Again, Woohoo. No Fights Today!
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#9 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:20 AM
 
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We posted at the same time .. that's one reason why I don't talk much about my marriage, because I don't want to give the impression that I'm being all smug and "la la la, look at us, we're perfect!" .. Which I don't think the OP was doing, either.

Is it really so bad for people to celebrate their happiness? It's not a slam on anyone else, or an attepmt to make people feel bad. It makes me feel good to see posts about happy marriages, to knwo that there are people who are realy content out there.
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#10 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:29 AM
 
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It's lovely to hear about a great sounding marriage...made me smile anyway.

I admit I vent a lot on here.

What I don't mention is that my h comes home from a hard day at work and takes the kids and sends me into the bath with cup of tea/glass of wine. Or sews up the huge hole my antique, discusting sheepskin slippers for me. Or comes home with two chocolate bars and a crappy mag for me, or calls me 58 million times a day to just say hi and I love you.



Yes we go throught our horrible times, but we have good ones too.


Lisa: Homeschooling Mum of ds, 8 and dd, 6
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#11 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:30 AM
 
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considering the number of members on MDC and the amount of posts in this forum I wouldnt say that most members here are posting about there marriage problems...I agree with the pp that venting here doesnt equal having a horrible life with your dp...I have vented about my dh just yesterday and I'm sure my marriage sounds really horrible and sometimes it is but more than not, we are content and we have a lot of love between us, we take care of eachother and are also, both dealing with our own issues....thats life, we all have our struggles...in our marriages or in other areas.

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#12 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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oh no! Please.... i didn't mean to sound smug or bragging.
i just do read other posts and feel sad.
i guess i have sadness in other areas of my life.. .like fertility or my childhood. i certianly don't see my life as perfect, and didn't mean to make it sound that way. NOT AT ALL!!!!

thats why i was asking.... i guess. just as a member of several boards, i guess i see read some pretty sad things. i just felt like i could say something here to get an objective presepctive. but i think you are right.... a lot of people are just venting, and that doesn't mean their marriage is unhappy, it just means that they had a bad day.
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#13 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 12:45 AM
 
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I didnt find your post smug or offensive myself.

in many ways my marriage is unhappy and we have our strengths also, I felt like I wanted to state that about my marriage given my lasts posts venting on all my dh's negatives, he does have good things about him also which I could not even see at the time.


blessings~~

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#14 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 01:36 AM
 
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I agree with what others said.

There is not usually a reason for me to post about all the wonderful feelings I have for my husband on a daily basis.
Mostly I just keep quiet and offer hugs to others when they are having a rough time, and know they will do the same if I am ever having one.

I dont think it would be appropriate to tack onto others' discussions about how dh doesnt help with the kids or something with " Oh that sucks....my dh makes a point every single day to give me a break, even if it's just a quick one" eeep that is not me at all! Not very helpful

It is reeallyy nice to hear about all the "odd" ones though I think we are in the majority though, honestly...no news is good news

`Lorissa
Mama to ds 5, and a brand new Christmas Day baby 2009!
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#15 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 05:20 AM
 
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I don't think you're odd.

Our marriage is similar, although, I do generally let dh know if I'm going shopping, or discuss with him something I want to buy. If he feels that it's too expensive at the moment, I respect that, because he is the more money-minded of the two, and I know he would agree to it if he felt he could.

And I cannot sleep if he's not there. I think a big part of my baby-insomnia has more to do with dh not being able to put his arms around me all night than with the night nursing. :LOL
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#16 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 06:14 AM
 
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Count us in as 'blissfully odd' too!
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#17 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 09:37 AM
 
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Another oddball couple, here. I've certainly had my need to vent on this board, though. Last year, dh and I went through a very rough time that nearly broke us apart. We have since done lots of work on healing our relationship and both feel we are better now than before. Like most couples, we have days where we really annoy each other. Sometimes, I use this board just to get some objective feedback on a situation. Marriage isn't always pretty, but I still feel lucky to be w/dh and building a life together.
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#18 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 09:40 AM
 
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I have been Blessed with a happy marriage as well, we have our times that have been down a bit though, for the most part we are really just very happy together.

I do believe that most marriages are not very happy ,not necessarily here at MDC, but in general, in the US anyway. Look at the divorce rate- it's around 50% right? So- the vast majority of those divorcing are not in happy marriages, and then you take into account all of the people who are still married and very unhappy, and, well... there's not a ton of happy marriages out there.

I think that there is hope for most unhappy marriages, and that is why people post here (some of the time anyway) to get ideas on improving things, or to vent, or whatever.

There are soooo many reasons why a marriage will be on the rocks, and so many great people within those marriages.

I am rambling, just wanted to say that you are not alone, but I agree with PPs who say that most people just don't post about their blissful marriages here. We do seem to have threads every so often like this one though, or we'll get a spin off of "what I love about my dh" etc.

:Patty :fireman Catholic, intactalactivist, co-sleeping, GDing, HSing, no-vax Mama to .........................:..........hale:
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#19 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 09:41 AM
 
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rileysmommy, DO NOT apologize! you have just as much right to celebrate your successes and get a pat on the back for a job well done as anyone has to post their struggles and get support in challenging times. this place it not just for problems and complaints and "everyone else keep out." that PP sounds bitter and i hope that good things come her way to get her out of that place of feeling that your celebration of good things was a direct attack on people who are not currently experiencing that happiness.
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#20 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 01:31 PM
 
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My marriage sounds exactly like yours! (I'm in Texas too, lol) I think dh and I have as close to a perfect marriage as you can get. Sure, there are things I would like to change and I'm sure he would too but nothing major at all. He's so considerate it's unreal, he would do ANYTHING for me and I really appreciate him.

I never judge the women I see ranting here for ranting or anything else. I completely understand the need to rant and get advice and support, I do judge the partners that treat the mamas here like crap though. Sometimes I want to them out, they make me so mad. I think all dh's should read here and learn a thing or two.

Amy: Certified Professional Midwife and mom to Max (11) and Stella (6).
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#21 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 01:56 PM
 
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DH and I are another "oddball" couple. We're tremendously happy together, and have very few rough days...I wouldn't say we've had any rough "patches" (eg. an extended period of difficulties). We're both devoted to each other and making our marriage work...and I actually don't find it that hard.

And, I don't think there's anything wrong with posting about happy marriages, either. I'm on my second marriage, and my first was a nightmare for the last five years. I needed to hear about good marriages at that time in my life, because sometimes I felt that there was just something about the institution of marriage that was fundamentally unworkable...it was good to be reminded that married couples can be happy. It gave me something to aspire to and hope for.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
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#22 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 02:05 PM
 
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I also have what I'd consider a great marriage. Like Storm Bride, though, I'm also on a second marriage and my first was EXCEPTIONALLY crappy. I have a pretty high tolerance level for husband annoyance. He treats me well, he loves me, he wants to spend time with me, he's a great dad, he comes home on time every night, and is sensitive and gentle when I don't want to have sex. It would take quite a bit for me to be upset with him after the holy hell my first marriage was.

He gets "off easy" quite a bit because I had such a terrible first marriage. I know lots of things he does would annoy most other women. In fact, i know so because I see the threads here sometimes . But they just honestly don't annoy me. It's not that I'm so grateful for a little niceness that I ignore my annoyance, it just doesn't bother me.
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#23 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 02:19 PM
 
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OP I could have written your post word for word!
DH and I have a great marriage. But the key to that is that we both work at it. We know the importance of being partners. We both had really bad relationships prior to this one and know what not to do!
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#24 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 02:39 PM
 
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My dh and I are very happy, but we are not perfect by any means. We have our disagreements, which include issues on parenting at times. This board is for all kinds of parenting as partners issues...good and bad! I think like other mamas have said, sometimes people like to vent. I have to say, that at times I, too, feel sadness when I read other posts. Particularly the ones where dh is controlling, abusive, insensitive, uninvolved, etc. These posts make me appreciate how wonderful my dh is. Sometimes, though, I think of times when my dh and I were arguing/disagreeing and I had to vent. Those vents were true to my feelings at the time, but looking back a few days later after the "storm had cleared" I see that we still are a great team. This by no means is to desensitize the issues that some women post here!!!!! MDC is a community of support, where we can learn from eachother. I think that posting about the wonderful marriages out there that are blissfully happy is good for those women who are in unhappy marriages, or just having an issue with their spouse/partner. Let us all learn from eachother...the good and the bad.

Beth, Mama to dd , wife to dh , teacher :~ Living, Loving, Learning...everyday.
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#25 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 03:32 PM
 
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I apologize for my snarly tone in my pp. I was very tired, and my sarcasm came out. : I do think that celebrating happy marriages (including my own) is a good thing. That isn't how the original post reads to me, but I understand that may have been the intent.
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#26 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 04:14 PM
 
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Me and Dh are pretty much just like that. We are happy with no arguments about money (other than sometimes the lack of it... but that isn't really about the money just stress), housework, going out, friends, or kids etc. We are just mellow I guess. So glad to see other marriages this way as well.

I think it's great that there is a place to vent the frustrating stuff that can come with a relationship also. There is the good and the bad with everything really.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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#27 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 04:17 PM
 
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Yo Becca,

and

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
peace.gif  Embrace the learning that is happening within the things that are actually happening!    
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#28 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 04:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yo becca!!! its all good momma! peace

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#29 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 04:48 PM
 
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You could have been describing our marriage to a "t" We have a relationship that sounds exactly like yours. Ii can't do without dh and he seems to feel lost without me. We are happier spending ouor time as a family than any other way. Not only do I sleep poorly when he's not next to me, but I have really weird dreams. We just really LOVE being together, and we hardly ever fight. We just get along really well. I feel incredibly blessed to have been with this awesome person and great friend for nine years!

Cheers!
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#30 of 37 Old 06-13-2005, 06:04 PM
 
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I have to admit that I don't really enjoy reading "my dh/marriage is wonderful" threads when I am having problems, or just a bad day. Even when the posters mean well, I still "hear" bragging. :

Still, this is "Parents as Partners," not "Marital Difficulties," so I don't think anyone should feel that she shouldn't post positive things here.
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