Does something seem "off" about this? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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Parents as Partners Archive > Does something seem "off" about this?
miranoron's Avatar miranoron 02:27 PM 06-26-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommy StormRaven
I told him of my insecurities and that somthing just didnt' feel right about this whole thing and that I was scared and feelign very alone. He proceeded to beat me up over things taht are 4 years past and dont' apply today adn I was in tears for 1 1/2 hours while on the phone with him.
He's on the defensive and trying to distract you from the real issue, which is his behaviour. You also said he's on the phone with this woman and her husband every day, left you stranded with little notice, doesn't talk to you willingly and skipped out on therapy night. I have a feeling he's telling those people he's not happy and uses them to escape from you. Could also be cheating but I'm a bit dubious because the husband is involved (though they may have an open relationship). Either way, definitely confront your husband once he gets back and don't take any bullshit. As his wife, you at least deserve an honest, straightforward answer.

Mommy StormRaven's Avatar Mommy StormRaven 03:16 PM 06-26-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by hunnybumm
This definitly sounds a bit fishy to me. Someone asked why bring the kids if he is going to cheat. Well the other DH can easily be taking the kids to the park, out for ice cream, to the zoo, etc. I don't know if there is any cheating going on (I think only he can truely answer that, rather it's sex or emotional) but there is definitly a lot of inappropriate stuff going on. Why was he spending an hour a night on the phone with this woman/man? It's one thing to call once a week, but every night? That is WAY excessive. Rather he is talking to just the wife or the husband, either way it is not appropriate. Espeically since he is not talking to you that much. It really makes me wonder if he was talking to the husband what they were talking about. Was he telling him how terrible you are? Was he making himself the victim? Your girls the victims? If he was talking to the wife... well the worst case is self explanitory.
See that is jsut it, I'm fairly certain he has made them all into victims in some regard - it's somethign he has done before - to pretty much anyone that would listen. As for an affair - well Truth I wouldnt' be surprised at all, and it doesnt' matter if its emotional or sexual or whatever.. because I knwo he would be doing in to "get back at me" for unexpectedly havign feelings for someone last year - he view it as me cheating on him whn the reality is thatI told him that I dindt' know what was goign on and I had to sort it out. I was honest in other words - nothign ever happned with the person in question but he views it as an affair. So much for honesty.


Quote:
Now, if you are not welcome in their house, then your girls aren't welcome in their house (unless you and DH are divorced). You are a family, they need to grow up and accept that.
That is my thought, DH and are (for the time beign at least) still married and I dont' think it is right at all for them to exclude me fro the welcome.. when you are talkin g about a family it's all or nothing.

And frankly they and DH are about to find that out.

Quote:
Also, is it common for your DH to mail off your meds scripe too late for you to have continuous medication? If not then something big is going on and his attention is else where. You need continuous medication, if he doesn't realize that then you need to take control of that so you can make sure you are in a safe place, at least medically. Also, I would contact your doctor and ask if he/she has any free samples you could take while you wait for your scrip. If you explain your situation they should be more than willing to give you at least a weeks worth. They typically have so much of that around, that it shouldn't be a problem. My doctor use to give me 2 weeks worth of free samples to see how I would react then he would give me a prescription.
No, it isnt' common. but it also doesnt' usually take 10+ days to get it. I have talked to the pharmacy and they called my scripts into the local drugstore last night so I have them now. My Doc however was of no help (yes, I'm looking for a new one) and most docs typically don't keep antipsychotic samples in their office - it's too specialized.

Quote:
He's on the defensive and trying to distract you from the real issue, which is his behaviour. You also said he's on the phone with this woman and her husband every day, left you stranded with little notice, doesn't talk to you willingly and skipped out on therapy night. I have a feeling he's telling those people he's not happy and uses them to escape from you.
That is precisely what I am afraid of....
mystic~mama's Avatar mystic~mama 04:15 PM 06-26-2005


no wise words for you, just, I'm sorry that your dh is not being respectful to you and treating you this way


blessings mama~~~~
Kincaid's Avatar Kincaid 02:30 AM 06-27-2005
Not to be alarmist, but I don't believe if I were having marital problems that I would let my partner suddenly take my children to another state on short notice with vague plans.

What if he wants out of the marriage, and wants custody? Do you know what the other couple is talking to him about.

You know it might not look so good if it is painted as "you wanting a break from your kids" and "on and off your antipsychotic medications". Honestly, I would not agree to letting your children leave the city again while things are so uncertain with what your husband is doing.
its_our_family's Avatar its_our_family 03:14 AM 06-27-2005

hunnybumm's Avatar hunnybumm 12:37 PM 06-27-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kincaid
Not to be alarmist, but I don't believe if I were having marital problems that I would let my partner suddenly take my children to another state on short notice with vague plans.

What if he wants out of the marriage, and wants custody? Do you know what the other couple is talking to him about.

You know it might not look so good if it is painted as "you wanting a break from your kids" and "on and off your antipsychotic medications". Honestly, I would not agree to letting your children leave the city again while things are so uncertain with what your husband is doing.
This is a really really good point. Your DH could be setting you up to look 'crazy' by not getting you your meds, then taking the kids out of state, not to mention he has been talking on the phone to these people all month. Possibly been making you out to be a crazy abusive neglectful mom, who knows! Oh, I really hope I am just thinking negatively and he isn't out to get you. I will be sending good thoughts your way and hope he was just being a butt head.
Mydragonboy's Avatar Mydragonboy 05:40 PM 06-27-2005
I was wondering if they were on their way back yet? Have you heard anything?
Vermillion's Avatar Vermillion 06:28 PM 06-27-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kincaid
Not to be alarmist, but I don't believe if I were having marital problems that I would let my partner suddenly take my children to another state on short notice with vague plans.

What if he wants out of the marriage, and wants custody? Do you know what the other couple is talking to him about.

You know it might not look so good if it is painted as "you wanting a break from your kids" and "on and off your antipsychotic medications". Honestly, I would not agree to letting your children leave the city again while things are so uncertain with what your husband is doing.
That was my first thought as well. If I were in this situation I would be worried that he was trying to leave me and take my kids with him! Maybe that is just the “worst case scenario” in me, but why take the chance? Scary.

I hope everything works out ok! I’ll be thinking of you.
Mommy StormRaven's Avatar Mommy StormRaven 08:27 PM 06-27-2005
They are ontheir way home now. They were supposed to leave yesterday but in DH's words"things got crazy and they couldn't get on the road at a decent hour - he called last night at 1030 to tell me this..... grrrrrr

Anyhow, when last I spoke with him (around 130 this afternoon) he was planning on leaving for home by 3pm today
Mydragonboy's Avatar Mydragonboy 11:04 AM 06-28-2005
Please post when they come home. I am thinking about you.
I'm a little confused. Do you have your prescriptions now?
juju's mom's Avatar juju's mom 01:16 PM 06-29-2005
I think how I feel has been covered by the other posters, but I didn't want to read and not respond. Please keep us informed.
Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 08:51 PM 06-30-2005
Hope things get better, or you get some closure either way soon. Thinking of you.
lilyka's Avatar lilyka 02:18 AM 07-01-2005
Well crap I decided on a tuesday to go on a 2 week vacation with the girls and left on a friday (what a nightmare) so that doesn't cound completely off but everything else you have posted so far is a serious red flag. i think when he gets back it is time for some emergancy therapy sessions and he needs to cut off contact with these people for the sake of your mariage. My dh had a "friend" like that. yeah right friend. I found out about them just in time. they were already talking about vacations with the girls. planning thier perfect little family get away. and he was getting her sympathy for having to live with someone like me (of course if he put a fraction of the effort into our relationship that he put into thier relationship I wouldhave been the best wife on the planet but I digress), and talk about how happy they would be together, and he went and stayed with her and of course her boyfriend for a couple of weeks in canada, spent lots of time chatting online and on the phone (of course it was too expensive for him to call me from there and that is why we didn't talk the whole time he was gone). he even ended up staying several days longer with her because he the weather had finally cleared and he could go biking (with her) and after all that is why he went. the whole time I am supportive. aaaggghhh so yeah perhaps I am a little biased but it is all sounding pretty familiar to me. I would say this needs to be addressed, he neds to stop visiting them and at the very least any conversations and meetings between him and them need your supervision if he can't say it do it with you in the room it shouldn't be said or done. And if you are not welcome at someones home he should be offended enough to not feel welcomed either. that is just wrong that he would be so cozy with someone who was so rude to his wife.
Mommy StormRaven's Avatar Mommy StormRaven 04:15 PM 07-01-2005
Sorry it took me so long to get back to this.. The video card in the computer died sunday night... grrrr.

Anyhow - Monday he left TX around 3ish as he had said he would and got homt about the same time Tuesday. I talked with our therapist before he got home and she was shocked to say the least and not surprised I was feelign rather insecure. She is going to call him on this when we go in on Tuesday for our session. She suggested I not brign it up until we are there together to avoid unnecessary conflict - since I've already said when I'm botherd by I can see her point.

Lilyka - I think you must have felt the same way that I have - except the Canada thing and the involvement of kids it sounds pretty identical.

Mydragonboy - I got "emergency meds" on Saturday and my regular script arrived Monday. See the thing is tha tit will take at least a week for them to really be effective again becuase they have been out of my system - it's a cumulative effect....

Oh well, at least I know that I've got them now....

Thanks for all the kind words - I'll let you all know how therapy goes next week....
OTMomma's Avatar OTMomma 04:52 PM 07-01-2005
I'm so glad you came back and gave us an update. I hope therapy next week goes well!

peace,
Laura
Mommy StormRaven's Avatar Mommy StormRaven 09:45 PM 07-05-2005
Well, we went to our therapy session today. He walked in, sat down and announced that last Friday he filed for divorce. This was apparently prompted by Lili wishing that she had a "new Mommy" while she was in TX and they looked up at the wishing star. Yeah Right...

Now, He said what he had to say, turned around and abandoned me there at the office with no way to get anywhere. and without my meds too. He has taken out a TRO that says I cannot get within 1000 feet of him, the girls or the house and will not let me see them until after the hearing.

Happy F-ing birthday to me... it was sunday...
weetzie's Avatar weetzie 09:58 PM 07-05-2005
Oh wow. I am so so sorry. When is your hearing? I would definitely post in the single mamas forum for legal info/advice. I am shocked to read this, I cannot imagine the shock you must have felt.

Do you have a place to stay?
Amylcd's Avatar Amylcd 10:02 PM 07-05-2005
That can't be legal, can it? Not letting you see your kids or going to your house??

I am so sorry he is doing this, but it sounds to me like you will be MUCH better off without him.
Amylcd's Avatar Amylcd 10:04 PM 07-05-2005
Have you gotten a copy of the restraining order? What is the reason listed for this?
matts_mamamama's Avatar matts_mamamama 10:24 PM 07-05-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amylcd
Have you gotten a copy of the restraining order? What is the reason listed for this?
:

Get yourself a lawyer - if you can't find one or afford one, call a local women's shelter or crisis hotline, they can help you. I am so sorry this is happening. Please be sure to document everything that has been happening - dates of trips out of state, phone calls (copies of phone bills even) - you just never know what you're going to need.
AnnMarie's Avatar AnnMarie 10:33 PM 07-05-2005
Sounds like a major red flag to me. I hate to say it, but I would suspect he's cheating. I wouldn't have let him go alone, and I'd make da** sure it NEVER happens again. I would have either asked him to stay home, or tell him I was going too. If you had a counseling session and had something planned for father's day and he knew it, he shouldn't have gone. Something is up, and it doesn't sound good. s

Edit: YIKES!! I just read your last post. How could he get a restraining order against you? You have to be a threat to him for him to get one. Have you seen it? If you haven't been served with anything I'd grab those children and get them FAR, FAR away from him. What a jerk. s
Oh the Irony's Avatar Oh the Irony 10:38 PM 07-05-2005
annmarie, read about 4 or 5 posts up. the asshole announced in the therapy session that he filed for divorce. :

thinking about you mama.
Mommy StormRaven's Avatar Mommy StormRaven 10:44 PM 07-05-2005
Yes, I'm better off without him. But I do know that the girls are better off with him right now considering he has the house adn I am staying with a good friend. I have contacted an attorney but I have not seen the TRO. He claims that his lawyer recommended it based on previous behavior I have exhibited (all before I was properly medicated). I am going to contest thqat in court. The therapist was privy to he and I's entire interaction so I am certain she will be called to appear in court. I have not yet been served the papers - he claims taht will probably happen tomorrow.. funny he doesn't have the address where I am staying...

Thanks for the support mamas....
its_our_family's Avatar its_our_family 12:52 AM 07-06-2005
Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry.

I don't have anything motr to offer but positive thoughts and prayers.
UnschoolnMa's Avatar UnschoolnMa 01:49 AM 07-06-2005
I am so very sorry this is happening to you I totally do not get why he got a restraining order at all. I pray you are safe, and that you see your children soon.
Mommy StormRaven's Avatar Mommy StormRaven 02:04 AM 07-06-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa
I am so very sorry this is happening to you I totally do not get why he got a restraining order at all. I pray you are safe, and that you see your children soon.

He got the RO based on the fact that I hit him the mornign of new years eve when he was verbally attacking me. I have since been put on meds taht help my rage disorder and depression. HE is basing the RO on past behavior.

I am safe and I am at my best friend/girlfriend's home. when he will let me see my girls is anyones guess - but until I actually get the papers served he isn't allowed to do anything. I don't think he knows that. but he IS going to find out if he doesn't let me see them when I come to pick up the rest of my things tomorrow.
Kim's Avatar Kim 12:19 PM 07-06-2005
I don't get it. Doesn't a police report need to be filed in order to have a restraining order created?

How have your children been affected (pre-meds) by your depression, psychosis, and rage disorder? Are they emotionally and physically well now?

I am sorry for the turmoil in your life, and want to be supportive, but am feeling like there is more to this story than you are sharing.
Starflower's Avatar Starflower 12:42 PM 07-06-2005
to you. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It sounds like you are in for a big legal fight. And it does sound like he was setting you up to look crazy for the courts. What a sh*t head.

For now, please just try to keep a cool head, keep on track with your meds and work with your lawyer on all this. I know some people said they'd go get the kids, but I think that he would be able to use that against you if he really does have a RO.

Good luck.
Mommy StormRaven's Avatar Mommy StormRaven 12:43 PM 07-06-2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim
I don't get it. Doesn't a police report need to be filed in order to have a restraining order created?
not in a divorce case in Ohio.

Quote:
How have your children been affected (pre-meds) by your depression, psychosis, and rage disorder? Are they emotionally and physically well now?
frankly - I dont' know how they have been effected. Adam claims that they are always fearful of me and generally gravitate more to men than women - he blames this on me. I have never seen my kids be afraid of me, quite the opposite in fact, when they are scared they turn to me first.

Quote:
I am sorry for the turmoil in your life, and want to be supportive, but am feeling like there is more to this story than you are sharing.
forgive me if i dont' feel liek going into ther details of the emotional unavailability and abuse I have suffered at teh hands of my husband. or the fact that he fed my rage willingly by setting up the fire and lighting the match so to speak. I've been in therapy weekly since january, we have been in couples therapy for 2 years - he has NEVER put any effort into therapy - he always comes back and blames everything on me.

that good enough?
miranoron's Avatar miranoron 02:24 PM 07-06-2005
Oh my god. I am so, so sorry Raven. I can't even begin to imagine how horrible this is for you. You'll be in my thoughts.
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