Does something seem "off" about this? - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-24-2005, 05:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH took the girls on a trip to TX this week. This is the second trip down there since March. (We live in OH). The trip inMarch had been planned for several weeks before hand. This trip was offhandedly mentioned in teh context of "maybe when you are on break we can all go back down".

Well, he was offered a project by the local government down ther with 3-D modeling for some software he does that with. He's getting paid for this so I have absolutely no gripe on that account.

He is stayign with the same people he stayed with last time. they are "family" to him. I know them too but we have been out of touch for 5 years now. They (actually the she part of they) got back into touch with DH in January after I sent an email to everyone on my list about DH's grandfathers illness and she was included in the list. Again - this is not my huge beef - at least it's free.

Here is the clincher.... for the last couple of months he has been on the phone with her nightly for at least an hour at a time. He talks to her (and possibly her DH too - they are friends) more than he talks to me.

Now, I knew he was plannign on goign back to TX both for this project and another trip down there our kids and their kids get along wonderfully and the girls really wanted to go back for a visit. The part that seems off to me is that he didnt' tell me he was leavign until thursday and he left saturday morning. That in itself seems odd. Add to that that when he did tell me he said "the girls and I are leaving saturday for TX" I was shocked, I said so. I then asked "You and the Girls? what about me?" His response was that "I thought I'd give you a break from the girls". I appreciate this but I would ahv eloved to go with them, I told him that too. Now, generally the husband would (or at least should IMO) then say somethign to the effect of "well we'd love to have you" or "your welcome to come along with us if you like" but he didnt' - he didnt' say anything at all.

Again... it seems odd to me....

Add to that the fact that Sunday was fathers day (and he knew I had plans for this), Tuesday was supposed to be a couples therapy session for us (and he knew this too) AND tuesday was also the anniversary of our vow renewal.

I've called him every night since he has been down there and his voice sounds liek he'd rather be doign ANYTHING but talkign to me.

We have been in therapy for months (this go round - with a competent therapist), I see the saem therapist alone and have sen her weekly for months. we talked about this and somethign seems odd to her too.

I'm lookign for opinions here, what would you do? He is not leavign until "maybe sunday or monday" so I jsut dont' knwo what to do or how to do it. I'm lookign for advice here and anythign is appreciated...
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Old 06-24-2005, 05:46 PM
 
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sounds off to me. My feelings would have been REALLY hurt to not be included.

-Angela
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Old 06-24-2005, 05:53 PM
 
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I'm not saying you have something to worry about, but I think there's enough going on here to make me wonder if you do. Definitely enough to ask him about, particularly with the fact that he didn't even ask you if you wanted to be included.
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Old 06-24-2005, 06:27 PM
 
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I agree something sounds off. If it was me, I'd be inclined to take an unexpected trip to TX. But I'm an excitable person.

Laura, Mama to Mya 7/02, Ian 6/07 and Anna 8/09
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Old 06-24-2005, 06:28 PM
 
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Your gut is telling you that something ain't right, if you're concerned enough to post here. I'd go with your gut on this one...
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Old 06-24-2005, 06:37 PM
 
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It sounds off to me, too. Especially considering this...

Quote:
for the last couple of months he has been on the phone with her nightly for at least an hour at a time. He talks to her (and possibly her DH too - they are friends) more than he talks to me.
Does he talk to her while you're in the room and can hear what he is saying or does he "hide" in another room? Are you sure he isn't spending all of that time talking to her dh?
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Old 06-24-2005, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OTMomma
I agree something sounds off. If it was me, I'd be inclined to take an unexpected trip to TX. But I'm an excitable person.

If he had left me with a car I just might! but her left me with no car.

Quote:
Does he talk to her while you're in the room and can hear what he is saying or does he "hide" in another room? Are you sure he isn't spending all of that time talking to her dh?
Only sometimes. most of the time he's either outside (with the kids) or walkign aroudn upstairs. He always leaves the room when he is on the phone with anyone because of the kids and their loudness (at elast ath is what he says).
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Old 06-24-2005, 06:55 PM
 
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: I would say something is definetly "off" here.....it just doesnt seem right that he told you on Thursday he was leaving Saturday and then coming home Sunday or Monday.....sounds like a short weekend to be doinganything other than visiting.Also the fact he didnt invite you along AND skipped out on previous plans.....I dont know how I would approach this though. I dont think I would come right out and ask because if their is something to hide he will lie. Sounds like you may need to be sneaky in finding your answer..........
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:00 PM
 
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I would sit down with him when he gets back and let him know that the amount of time he's spending talking to this woman is inappropriate, especially since it's making you uncomfortable.

Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
14yo ds   11yo dd  9yo ds and 7yo ds and 2yo ds  
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OTMomma
I agree something sounds off. If it was me, I'd be inclined to take an unexpected trip to TX. But I'm an excitable person.
:
I'd go with your gut on this one momma!
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by eemamahob
it just doesnt seem right that he told you on Thursday he was leaving Saturday and then coming home Sunday or Monday.....sounds like a short weekend to be doinganything other than visiting.
I think she meant he left LAST Saturday, and plans to be returning THIS coming Sunday or Monday, making it longer then one week, not just a 'short weekend'... Why would anyone drive from OH to TX for a 1 day trip anyway? lol


To agree with the others, it definately sounds like something is majorly 'off'... Do not want to jump to ANY conclusions, just want to offer hugs and support.

Mommy StormRaven, you helped me at one point by suggesting a book and it's greatly helped my relationship... I am very grateful for that, and truly hope your hubby just wasn't really thinking when he made these plans, and nothing is going on...
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
I think she meant he left LAST Saturday, and plans to be returning THIS coming Sunday or Monday, making it longer then one week, not just a 'short weekend'... Why would anyone drive from OH to TX for a 1 day trip anyway? lol

That is right.. he left LAST saturday and will be leavign there this sunday or monday....

Thanks Mombirthmom for the hugs.. I'm glad that the book has helped you.. I'm still tryign to get him to read it objectively but at least I learned a lot from it!
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:28 PM
 
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i would be extremely pissed for many different reasons. up and taking the kids without you without discussing it with you and leaving you with no car?? i would totally confront him when he got back.
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh yeah.. an additional thing.. his grandfather died monday and I still dotn' knwo what is going on with that (his grandfather lives up here).

he also hasnt' made a single phone call up here - I have made the only efforts of contact on either end....
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:54 PM
 
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How old are your children? Have you spoken with them? Do they feel comfortable/uncomfortable etc?

It's just very odd that he would make plans to take your children many states away for more than a week, and not even tell you until 2 days before he left... Not to mention all the other things you've posted about, and also about his grandfather...

*hugs* to you!
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Old 06-24-2005, 07:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
How old are your children? Have you spoken with them? Do they feel comfortable/uncomfortable etc?

It's just very odd that he would make plans to take your children many states away for more than a week, and not even tell you until 2 days before he left... Not to mention all the other things you've posted about, and also about his grandfather...

*hugs* to you!
Thanks....

the girls are 4 1/2 and almost 2. They love "aunt Michelle and uncle Craig" and their kids. I'm sure they jsut think they have taken another trip to visit them since Dh had told them when they got back from teh first trip down there that they woudl go visit again.

The worst thing is taht I *know* he doesnt' think that he has done anythign at all that is wrong...
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Old 06-24-2005, 08:23 PM
 
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Yeah I guess he would have to drive really fast huh? :LOL :LOL :LOL
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Old 06-24-2005, 08:24 PM
 
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Sounds weird to me, and I am a big believer in following one's instinct. I would definately ask.

Good Luck!
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Old 06-24-2005, 08:27 PM
 
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So he thought just up and taking a week+ trip with your two young kids without much notice beforehand would somehow be 'good' for you??

My god, I'd have a coronary if my SO pulled something like that.

Since he isn't communicating with you now really, definately when he gets home, just try to find some quiet time to talk about it. You're right, he probably in no way thinks he's done anything 'wrong', and maybe he hasn't done anything as bad as may be suspected (by you, or anyone etc), but what he HAS done, us make you question him and his motives, and disrespected you. (again with the questioning him.)

I really feel like if your (a collective 'your' for anyone), partner is doing (has done), something to make you question them, or their motives, then something is definately going on. Whether it's what you think it is, or something completely different, something is definately up, and you definately deserve some good quiet, respectful talking time at the very least...
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Old 06-25-2005, 10:45 AM
 
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I would blow a fuse if dh did something like that. Mostly because I've never spent more than about 10 hours away from my ds and over a week is outrageous.
Not to mention I'd be so hurt if dh made plans for a trip without me, and made it obvious he didn't want me there.

Go with your gut on this one.

And, maybe I'm paranoid, but I wouldn't let him take your girls again. I probably wouldn't have in the first place.
I hope there's a logical and peaceful resolution to this. Good luck, Mama.
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Old 06-25-2005, 11:08 AM
 
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Wow, I'm so sorry this is happening to you!

When he is spending his evenings on the phone with someone else, and therefore taking time away from you, he is not giving you the intimacy and commitment you deserve as his wife.

Since he has been friends with this woman for a long time, and views that whole family as his family, he is probably telling himself he is not doing anything wrong. Deep in his heart, he must know, but I imagine he's lying to himself. So I would tread lightly and handle it in your next counseling session. It seems to me like people who are cheating (not that he is, but maybe in his heart he's starting to) get really put out with their spouses, and won't listen to anything they say. They have to disconnect, I guess, to keep behaving and/or feeling the way they are. So maybe if he hears it from you AND the counselor, it will help? That's what I would do, but I don't know if it's the right answer.

Again, I am so very sorry. It can still work out, though, it really can.
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Old 06-25-2005, 12:56 PM
 
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It doesn't necessarily sound like cheating (why take the girls in that case?), but it definitely sounds like escaping. Anyway, I think you can ask why he is in escape mode more easily than about cheating.

I do think he's being disrespectful and that y'all should get your therapist involved. good luck.
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Old 06-25-2005, 03:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I told him of my insecurities and that somthing just didnt' feel right about this whole thing and that I was scared and feelign very alone. He proceeded to beat me up over things taht are 4 years past and dont' apply today adn I was in tears for 1 1/2 hours while on the phone with him.

he's apparently not given any thought to the fact that becuase of a shipping error on the mail order pharmacy's part (and him not mailign the prescription until RIGHT before I needed the meds filled) that I have not had either my anti depressant or my anti psychotic for over 2 weeks now (and am therfore crashing hard).


So I ask..... How responsible is it to leave your spouse with known conditons UNmedicated for a more than a week with no way of getting anywhere?
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Old 06-25-2005, 04:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrettsMama
And, maybe I'm paranoid, but I wouldn't let him take your girls again. I probably wouldn't have in the first place.
I hope there's a logical and peaceful resolution to this. Good luck, Mama.

Oh I definitely won't be letting him take them again. Especially sinc ei found out tha the didn't ask em to come becuase "they didnt' invite you, they invited the girls and I".

Why couldnt' he have just said that - I dont' want to deal with the guy anyhow!


But if my whole family is not welcome there then I dotn' want ANY of my family there. it's worse than his parents, simply becuase I cannot trust what they will or won't say about me to my kids. And She (the wife) is always miss nice to me on the phone... if I'm not wlecom ethen why be so nice?

Yeah.. I'm more pissed than I was before...
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Old 06-25-2005, 04:16 PM
 
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Do you think "she" said that she didn't want you there, or is he placing blame, not wanting to admit that he didn't want you there?
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Old 06-25-2005, 04:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by plantmommy
Do you think "she" said that she didn't want you there, or is he placing blame, not wanting to admit that he didn't want you there?
Yeah, I'm sure of that. I had sent an email to her husband tellign him to not contact me anymore after he questioned my appreciation of Adam. So that is apparently what made me unwelcome.
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Old 06-25-2005, 04:26 PM
 
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I would have a cow with my dh taking the girls from me for so long! Let alone the fact that things just dont seem right AND you have no rig to go anywhere.


I would be insane!
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Old 06-25-2005, 09:32 PM
 
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on dv signs
this post has red flag on it to me

He left you ALONE and ISOLATED and UNMEDICATED that is a cocktail for disaster. I can't help but wonder if he didn't do it on purpose?
And the other dh questioning your appreciation would make me wonder just what the heck your dh said to him/ and sounds like the other dh should be looking on his own back porch if things are getting too heated and he is questioning YOU and blaming you on top of leaving you A/I/UM??

AND he left KNOWING you had a couples therapy session??? nuh uh

sounds like perhaps time to call a lawyer and ask what your rights etc are...

My dh puts up with a lot and vice versa but he would never leave me deliberately stranded ( yours took the only car and no money for cab fare etc), never leave me more isolated than I would want or need to be and def not leave me unmedicated for some of my conditions that require it
and with the exception of not being able to get off work he sure wouldn't be going to another state when we had a session scheduled.


MPO is that your dh needs a clue by four and you need ((HUGS)) and support
mama
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Old 06-25-2005, 10:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by CerridwenLorelei
on dv signs
this post has red flag on it to me

He left you ALONE and ISOLATED and UNMEDICATED that is a cocktail for disaster. I can't help but wonder if he didn't do it on purpose?

I wondered the same thing....


Quote:
And the other dh questioning your appreciation would make me wonder just what the heck your dh said to him/ and sounds like the other dh should be looking on his own back porch if things are getting too heated and he is questioning YOU and blaming you on top of leaving you A/I/UM??
This was over 2 years ago. Dh and I had sent out an email to everyone once Morrigan had been conceived and I was out of the m/c woods. We sent out an email announcing the PG and thanking our caregivers - the RE, Reiki master, energy healer adn massage therapists that we worked with. Craig (the other DH) email back with "what about your husband? how about thanking him?!" To which I responded "if you had READ that the mail was from BOTH of us you would know why I din't thank HIM, the message was from both of us, do you thank yourself?" and I added that "if you are goin to accuse me of not appreciating him then dont' contact me again" so THAT is why I'm not welcome there....

Quote:
AND he left KNOWING you had a couples therapy session??? nuh uh

Yeah.. and he doesn't have any understandign of WHY I'm bothered.....

Quote:
sounds like perhaps time to call a lawyer and ask what your rights etc are...
I've promised myself and my shrink that I'm nto goign to make any decisions until we ahve both gotten thru all the excercises in the recommended books in her office together. I have to at least do that - I'm not willign to give up without the fight. If for no other reason than he will think he has won and never see that at least SOME of our issues are indeed OURS and note soley mine.

Quote:
My dh puts up with a lot and vice versa but he would never leave me deliberately stranded ( yours took the only car and no money for cab fare etc), never leave me more isolated than I would want or need to be and def not leave me unmedicated for some of my conditions that require it
and with the exception of not being able to get off work he sure wouldn't be going to another state when we had a session scheduled.


MPO is that your dh needs a clue by four and you need ((HUGS)) and support
mama

Thanks.. I think he needs more than that but sadly I dont 'think he will ever see it........
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Old 06-26-2005, 01:02 PM
 
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This definitly sounds a bit fishy to me. Someone asked why bring the kids if he is going to cheat. Well the other DH can easily be taking the kids to the park, out for ice cream, to the zoo, etc. I don't know if there is any cheating going on (I think only he can truely answer that, rather it's sex or emotional) but there is definitly a lot of inappropriate stuff going on. Why was he spending an hour a night on the phone with this woman/man? It's one thing to call once a week, but every night? That is WAY excessive. Rather he is talking to just the wife or the husband, either way it is not appropriate. Espeically since he is not talking to you that much. It really makes me wonder if he was talking to the husband what they were talking about. Was he telling him how terrible you are? Was he making himself the victim? Your girls the victims? If he was talking to the wife... well the worst case is self explanitory.

Now, if you are not welcome in their house, then your girls aren't welcome in their house (unless you and DH are divorced). You are a family, they need to grow up and accept that.

Also, is it common for your DH to mail off your meds scripe too late for you to have continuous medication? If not then something big is going on and his attention is else where. You need continuous medication, if he doesn't realize that then you need to take control of that so you can make sure you are in a safe place, at least medically. Also, I would contact your doctor and ask if he/she has any free samples you could take while you wait for your scrip. If you explain your situation they should be more than willing to give you at least a weeks worth. They typically have so much of that around, that it shouldn't be a problem. My doctor use to give me 2 weeks worth of free samples to see how I would react then he would give me a prescription.
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