Could use some tea and sympathy... - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-30-2005, 11:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dh went into rehab on Sunday. I honestly had no idea he had been abusing alcohol for 10 years. I did know of his problem with overindulgence in social situations, and when I asked him to stop drinking last December, he said he would. He has a sleep disorder that complicates the matter a bit, and I foolishly thought that evidence of drinking (since December) was actually the sleep disorder, not alcohol. I just feel so broad-sided by this. I really didn't see it coming and I feel so raw.

I am grateful that he sought help, and I'm starting to attend al-anon, and I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for next week, but in the meantime I'm in so much pain. Everytime I make a little headway, dh gives me a little more information about the depth of his addiction (I think he'd actually sit down to tell me everything right now, we just haven't had any time together--he's not purposely trying to torture me by telling me something new and awful every few days). I never imagined my entire marriage would be built on lies. I love my dh so much, and I'm just so sad. What if we can't bounce back from this? I know I'm committed, but I'm so afraid that the guilt he feels will throw our marriage off-balance so badly (because no matter what he does to make amends, he'll see himself as the bad guy in this relationship) that he'll decide he can't stay.

Any words of wisdom or comfort will be greatly appreciated.
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Old 06-30-2005, 11:51 PM
 
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no advice really . but it sounds like you both are trying to do all you can to make it work. give it time.

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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Old 07-01-2005, 12:26 AM
 
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It sounds like you guys are making a great effort already. Your dh is probably telling you information a little at a time because he is ashamed and embarrassed. Try to take it just one day at a time. This could be a turning point in your marriage and things could be changing for the better if your dh stays sober.
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Old 07-01-2005, 12:32 AM
 
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At least he is admitting he has a problem and is dealing with it.

HUGE points for that.

Be strong.

He needs your support now more than ever.
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Old 07-01-2005, 12:32 AM
 
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Part of his program will most likely be to tell you everything and to make amends to you. Please keep going to Al Anon and therapy and find the support that you need to make it through this difficult time.

Me : living with and loving papa and the kids: Dd1 8/97 , dd2 8/04 and my sweet baby ds 5/09 : :
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Old 07-01-2005, 01:05 AM
 
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Oh Crap. What a load you are bearing right now. I think you should think of this as the starting point. He seems really committed to making the situation better, and including you in the recovery process. Yes maybe there are lies, but the relationship is there. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now. He needs to bare it all out to have that clean slate for both of you to build on.

Good luck and support to you Mama. How long will he be gone in rehab?

Mama to 3 daughters, expecting #4chicken3.gif

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Old 07-01-2005, 03:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone--it's so much healthier to come here then to approach my loving but nonethelss very judgmental family with this. I feel better than I have in days.

As for my dh's time in rehab, I don't know how long it will be--at least another week I'd imagine, and then of course, there's a really intensive program of about 15 hours a week for a few months after. This is such a long journey we're on--and I'm carrying such a heavy load, it's invaluable to have people to share it with. Thank you mamas...
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Old 07-03-2005, 04:01 PM
 
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Just wanted to send you 's and support. Admitting the problem is the hardest part of the whole journey. The previous posters have given good advice. He does need your help more than ever, but I would also suggest keep going to a counselor just for you...you will be having a lot of stuff to process on your end, and you will need an outlet that can help you organize and put into perspective these thoughts and feelings. Just as he shouldn't go it alone, neither should you.

Much love and hugs.
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Old 07-04-2005, 07:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I could use a refilll...

Visitation today was extra rough--in the midst of all this I am a less than terrific mama. My FIL is here, but he can't shield Elliott from all of the turmoil, and today it just really bubbled over. I am such a mess. I keep thinking that today will be a better day, and well, in a lot of ways I feel worse. I certainly wasn't this sad before I knew about the scope of dh's addiction...
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Old 07-04-2005, 08:16 PM
 
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Wemberly> I understand how difficult this is. I myself am a recovering/ed addict (10+ yrs) and have been to many 12 step meetings. It was my life for a long time. It was where I found a 'home' a 'family'.
Anyway, I also have told my story many times at rehabs and understand that a lot of times, depending on the place and situation the 12 step work is gone through in a quick rush. That doesnt mean it is in your dh's case. If it is what could be happening is he does want to tell you stuff and is being told to follow this plan--- BUT Telling It all and harming another person by doing so is not suggested. He may not understand this or is not being guided well enough. Many people have contentions with how it's done in rehabs a lot.perhaps thas really not what is happening. Either way, it seems like you keep being told things you arent ready to hear. Remember that you cant fix or harm him more than he has already done to himself, so if you choose to not hear these confessions now, it's your choice. afterall, you have a life to live here also.
Keep getting to the al-anon meetings, meet people, share. I also think it's very wise to look into counseling. When it's addiction, it's a co-dependency and that means everyone is involved.
pm me if you want.
sorry to and forgive me if i was completelely off the mark here
~L
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:37 PM
 
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Old 07-06-2005, 08:55 PM
 
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Its great that he has admitted that he has a problem and is doing something about it-I think that is a great first step. Also I do believe that the more a relationship goes through the more chance it has to grow and mature. I am sure your relationship will eventually be strengthened after all this. Wishing you all the best.
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