reality check: my problem or his? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-02-2005, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
stirringleaf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: following the butterflies
Posts: 4,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i think my dh tends to be very blaming and critical. its like a knee jerk reaction to any kind of stress, or anything that happens that he is unhappy about. he talks to me in a very nagging tone of voice alot and also talks down to me.

dh thinks i am oversensitive, and that he is simply bringing his concerns up to me. he thinks i should not react so strongly when he has a certain tone of voice, or phrases things a certain way, because i should know that he loves me.


here is one example: the other night i was on the computer, ds was in bed, and DH was in the bathroom. i heard something fall. then dh came in here and said to me, in a hostile tone "i just want to let you know i broke your jar of shampoo" normally i would get defensive and tell him it was just an accident and remind him that he was the one to buy the bulk shampoo on his last trip to the store, and that he was the one to choose GLASS to put it in. but instead, since i am getting so used to his pattern, i said to him " you seem like you are angry with me because you broke a jar" incredulously, he said "OF course i am! its glass! you put it on the edge of the bathtub! "how did it break?" i asked . " I bumped the shower curtain and it fell, and now we are going to cut our feet!"

i said " i am really sort of amazed that your first reaction when you break something is to get angry with me for it." he got really mad about me saying that and said he has every right to be mad. then he started lecturing me on the obvious, like he often does: glass is dangerous and doesnt belong in the bathrrom, etc .

honestly, if he would have told me " i broke the glass jar of shampoo, darn it!" i would have "learned my lesson'----i mean isnt the natural consequence enough? i hate when he is angry and lectures me as if i am too stupid to figure these things out. i can see if he is frusterated, or feels dumb that he bought glass, and its a pain to clean, but i do not like that he adds making me feel bad to the situation. and i have told him as much but he doesnt think this is valid unless i talk to him about it for an HOUR then he says he understands. but then he just does it again.

another example is tonight. i called home from work to say hi to him and ds ( i just started working for the first time since being a mom and miss my ds alot!)

dh asked me if i turned in some forms for a preschool we are trying to get in. i said no. he asked me " what were you doing all morning?" in a judgemental way that he often asks, like "what is WRONG with you?"

i was at work so i didnt answer, i just said "nothing" he continued a line of questioning about how was i using my time and why didnt i turn the thing in cuz "Its really important!" ( as if i dont know that)

ps the form is not late, in fact if i would have turned it in today it would have been really early. so it just doesnt make sense that he gets on my case.

is it me? should i apologise when he is saying these things " sorry i left the glass jar there" " sorry i didnt do it and that i let you down"

i just get really upset when he does it, and feel like he shouldnt talk to me that way. i have given him alternative ways to bring stuff up with me, or phrases or words that might help me see his intentions better, but he wont try them. he says i need to get over myself and stop being so sensitive. what do you guys think? these nagging comments are daily, btw and its really a drag. i love him and everything but it really dampens our marriage. i try to "pick my battles" when it comes to little things like jars breaking or whatever but he sees that as "stifling his feelings"
stirringleaf is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-02-2005, 03:42 AM
 
eightyferrettoes's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 5,193
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
What a PITA! The "blaming You for breaking Your shampoo thing" would drive me outta my gourd.
eightyferrettoes is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 04:03 AM
 
BusyMommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 9,605
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Um yeah, I do think he has some responsibility & anger issues. He bought it, he chose glass & he broke it. Could it simply be a matter of respect or maturity? I mean he's sounding really childish. I don't know if that's something that will change really unless he gets some outside help. It's gotta be hard for you to realize it's not "your" problem and you shouldn't let it affect your self esteem and self image.
ick
Hang in there...maybe plan a quiet evening w/ o kids to have a nice long chat.
BusyMommy is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 04:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
stirringleaf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: following the butterflies
Posts: 4,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well we have had the nice long chat several times. in fact i have even gone so far as to demand he get councilling . i thn backed off cuz we cant afford therapy right now ( he will be able to in about a month though) and just asked him to spend some time doing research on the internet and get some library books on anger, blame, communication, etc. so far, no dice. i started a thread here a while back and he read some if it and we do have good talks, but when it comes down to it very little has changed. btw it does affect my self esteem, i have noticed that. but since i have noticed his pattern i have been feeling better because i am getting a stronger sense of when i am really to blame and when i am not.


however, i worry very much about DS growing up with the constant guilt trips
stirringleaf is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 06:17 AM
 
PikkuMyy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: hmmm
Posts: 7,271
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Well, here I am because of your shameless plug on the 'I missed the drama" thread in TAO!!!

Well, normally I think a "Sorry I left it on the edge" would be quite appropriate and a light-hearted thing at that. But he shouldn't blame you if he's the one who chose glass to begin with! I mean, it's the shower! If you don't have a rack then where can you put it? (If you have a rack, you should have put it in there, but he still shouldn't have chosen glass...)

I think you handled it very well with the questions and statements you used when responding to the glass thing.

I do think he needs to stop blaming you for things like that. Things like that happen in our house all the time (in fact, I considered glass for the bathroom and decided not to on this very basis, although the sink soap dispenser is glass.) But it's not an angry blaming thing - we may scold each other for stuff but it's all kind underneath. I might get exasperated if I was in his situation but I would certainly not be "angry".

OTOH - I tend to do similar things to DH that also drive him s but they are not mean-hearted. Like the explanation of why glass doesn't belong in the bathroom, etc. I am an early intervention teacher, which means that I am constantly explaining things to small children. The consequence of this is that I also do this with adults - esp. DH. It's a frustrating situation because I don't realize I'm doing it and I really can't help it since it's something I've been trained to do and do 5 days a week. and although Dh knows why I do it, it still drives him nuts and he gets very annoyed at me. Perhaps something like this is going on? He's not meaning to be condescending but is just annoyed at the situation?

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
PikkuMyy is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 09:11 AM
 
kewb's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,272
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sounds a bit like my dh. We have started counseling.

Kathy-Mom to Blake & Mikaela
kewb is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 10:58 AM
 
skueppers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Takoma Park, MD
Posts: 1,725
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
nak

Yeah, that is ridiculous. I suggest relationship counselling, since a big part of the issue is communication.

Good luck!

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
skueppers is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 03:23 PM
 
wendygrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,132
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Eek! My dh could have written this! I am very similiar that when I am embarrased or feeling low, I look for ways to get angry at my dh. At this point, dh and I have a vicious (sp?) circle we have and its very hard to break. We don't even know who started it anymore. We started counseling a couple weeks ago to try and break our communication problems. The interesting part is that even though I'm the one that is doing the blaming, because he is the one who gets angry, he's the one with the "anger management" issues. I'll have to bring that up to the therapist.

I think you have both played a part and although in the one instance (and I'm sure others) you've tried to change your role, it is so ingrained in your habits, its hard to break out.
wendygrace is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 04:13 PM
 
FancyD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 2,274
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Holy crap, I could have written your post stirringleaf! I've got no advice, came here looking for some myself. I've got the idea that my dp does it to regain some sense of control and to release guilty feelings. We've got a very young baby, and I think the reality of family life is freaking him out. Also, he's not very involved w/ ds and gets mad at me a lot for such things as: baby doesn't sleep enough, baby won't eat or sleep if we're out and about, I coddle baby, "jeez, he'll fall asleep eventually! Everyone does." I could go on w/ ridiculous statements. I think it's because he doesn't really want to do this anymore and he feels bad, so if everything is MY fault, well he's in the clear. *sigh* Sometimes I daydream about setting his bikes on fire...
FancyD is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 04:24 PM
 
alegna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 42,826
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow, that sounds really off. If you try to talk to him sometime when you're both calm does he listen? This sounds like a serious issue. I'm no fan of counseling, but this is one of those times when it sounds really needed.



-Angela
alegna is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 05:00 PM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,116
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is not about the glass jar in the bathroom, and it's not about the preschool forms.

This is about his belief system, specifically his belief that he is superior to you in some way, and therefore entitled to talk to you the way he does. It may not be conscious, but. . . who cares? (Your child's developmental process sure won't.)


This is scapegoating.
Scapegoating is a type of emotional abuse.


I suggest that you get in touch with a counsellor who is skilled in the area of domestic violence issues. But, just to warn you, if you find a counsellor who is not trained in this area, you may end up with far worse of a situation down the road.

yaM yaM is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 05:10 PM
 
UnschoolnMa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Trying to release my cows..Join Me!
Posts: 14,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I would not have apologized for the shampoo thing. I would likely have said something like, "Oops. I guess that will teach us not to get glass anymore eh? Would you like some help cleaning up?" If he'd continued I would have said, "I am not at fault for the bottle breaking, and I refuse to apologize for something I didn't do." And I'd keep saying it as needed

When he asked what I had done all morning I would have been all too happy to give him a play by play. (I realize you were at work and couldn't get into it though). "Well first I got up and had to pee really bad. Then I made coffee and had to decide between oatmeal and some leftover pizza for breakfast. Then I put in a load of laundry. Then I took the dog out. What? Ohhh, you weren't really wanting to actually know what I did this morning. Guess you shouldn't have asked then. If you're trying to say that I was lazy for not getting the paper in I would at least appreciate you being direct about it. The paper is not at all late right now, and by the way it's great that you chose to be negative rather than helpful ." But that's just me lol.

. It sounds like it really sucks, and I hope you and he can start down a different path.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
peace.gif  Embrace the learning that is happening within the things that are actually happening!    
UnschoolnMa is offline  
Old 07-02-2005, 07:48 PM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,116
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:


What a great comeback!
yaM yaM is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 04:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
stirringleaf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: following the butterflies
Posts: 4,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
When he asked what I had done all morning I would have been all too happy to give him a play by play. (I realize you were at work and couldn't get into it though). "Well first I got up and had to pee really bad. Then I made coffee and had to decide between oatmeal and some leftover pizza for breakfast. Then I put in a load of laundry.
dude, i have done this. the first few times i did it it was sort of like in disbelief, like he doesnt really want to know it. but now its like he Really Does seem to be demanding a play by play and honestly my days get so busy and i am so distracted i feel really upset when he asks me this because it puts a drain on my energy to even recall it. i think that me saying " i got busy, ds was kinda fussy and i chose not to do it" should be enough.

we just had a very long talk about it and he doesnt really see what i mean on most levels, yet he agrees with some of it. he gets extremely mad if i say it is degrading or disrespectful.

i have thought about coming back with being really helpful and with humility, but on some level i just cant bring myself to do it because i know he is being unfair to me and i feel the need to stand up for myself. so offering to help clean the glass---while i like that solution it still seems like it would be really dissatisfying in the long run

may may what do you mean its a form of emotional abuse and to see a domestic violence councilor. dh has never been violent and rarely ever yells. its this "critical" stuff that is his specialty. and while i agree its really not OK behavior, i dont know where the line is btwn just being immature and thoughtlessly mean, and being abusive. i am honestly asking you this though. i am open to the possibility its actual abuse.


i asked him tonight ( again ) to please get a book on the subject , or do some research , as a start. i think we should get therapy but i also think he should get it on his own so he can take a hard look at himself without me watching.

i gave him a week to make some kind of effort. i asked him to do this 2 mos ago and he never did. he tried to make all kinds of excuses tonight for not having done it and then finally said that i cant put pressure on him or he wont do it ( so i didnt pressure him in the last couple months, just waited. i brought it up once or twice but thats it. ) he said "OHH an ultimatum, see you are being threatening and negative!" and i said no everyone has limits and i am setting mine. he asked what will i do if he doesnt act and i said i will think about it this week. i really dont want to split up for a million reasons, including that when the going is good between us its really good. but also i am scared that i am the only chance DS has at DH changing ever. if i divorce him he wont have me to temper him out in front of ds . DH is already being blaming and critical with him, but is much more open to me calling him on it when he does it to DS ----i mean he responds really openly and positivly if i ask him to rephrase things to ds.
stirringleaf is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 12:10 PM
 
stafl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: standing in a doorway
Posts: 9,123
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by wendygrace
Eek! My dh could have written this! I am very similiar that when I am embarrased or feeling low, I look for ways to get angry at my dh. At this point, dh and I have a vicious (sp?) circle we have and its very hard to break. We don't even know who started it anymore. We started counseling a couple weeks ago to try and break our communication problems. The interesting part is that even though I'm the one that is doing the blaming, because he is the one who gets angry, he's the one with the "anger management" issues. I'll have to bring that up to the therapist.

I think you have both played a part and although in the one instance (and I'm sure others) you've tried to change your role, it is so ingrained in your habits, its hard to break out.
:

You are both partly at fault, but I see his point of view better than yours, so that's where my answer is coming from (just so you know). It sounds like you invalidated his feelings. He does have every right to feel angry. And when you went and acted like he shouldn't feel the way he *is* feeling, he got angry with you as well as himself. I don't see it as emotional abuse, but more of a communication breakdown. Neither of you are communicating very well. Try real hard to only speak to him in subjective (*I* feel, *I* think) terms instead of starting any sentences with "you". It really makes a huge difference.
stafl is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 01:08 PM
 
I  STIK M's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: South Venice Beach, Fl
Posts: 275
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my dh can still fall back on similar speech patterns, a bit more now that we are so tired and crazy w/ ds. he was bad with it when we first met, he learned to speak from his dad, and his mom told me when we married "everything will always be your fault" and i could see how this affected her, broke her down. dh and i were friends first, and so when he gets like this i treat him like my friend, my guy friend. ill say, hey man and be sacrcastic or laugh at him and explain why it makes sooo much sense that it is my fault. i have to be careful though, because he is sensitive and may get his feelings hurt.it can make him a bit more fustrated at first, but then ill challenge him, ill puff up my massive chest (not!) and get in his face and do that guy shoulder to shoulder push around thing, but it doesnt work well cause im so much shorter than him, so ill have to hop alittle, by then he'll be smirking or flaring his nose trying not to laugh and explain to me why its not the same when i do it. so i back up, squat low, flex my biceps, make a good entertainment wrestler like grunt and get ready to bring it on.or is that get it on?i wonder about those wrestlers, they touch alot....
after a good laugh we can usually talk about whats really going on with him. it may not be a very evolved way to address it, but it works for us.
I STIK M is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 01:09 PM
 
allgirls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 9,327
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by May May
This is not about the glass jar in the bathroom, and it's not about the preschool forms.

This is about his belief system, specifically his belief that he is superior to you in some way, and therefore entitled to talk to you the way he does. It may not be conscious, but. . . who cares? (Your child's developmental process sure won't.)


This is called scapegoating.
Scapegoating is a type of emotional abuse.


I would suggest that you get in touch with a counsellor who is skilled in the area of domestic violence issues. But, just to warn you, if you find a counsellor who is not trained in this area, you may end up with far worse of a situation down the road.

I wish someone had warned me before I went down that long, long road.



HUGE FAT RED FLAGS

I agree with May May on this..it's oh so familiar....wanting a play by play, insinuating you are lazy/forgetful, that you have been careless, blaming you for his breaking something....all signs of emotional abuse...I have lived it twice...my mother and my ex husband...

I sure hope I am wrong
allgirls is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 01:18 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,186
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
When he calls you too sensitive, you can call him too insensitive. His version of reality is no more valid than yours.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 01:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
stirringleaf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: following the butterflies
Posts: 4,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well i am lazy and forgetful at times. but so is everyone. but thats how that whole thing gets to me so much . i certainly do not like when i am disorganized and forgetful and dont get important things done. last night he said he "doesnt trust my orginizational skills" and feels he has to remind me and it should be ok if he reminds me. i insisted that he can remind me but not lecture me. that he can come to me with a constructive idea, not a way to break down my character. i think he heard that a little but then he just got really SELF depricating and started ranting about how i am just pointing out how f**ed up he is, and started sarcastically going off about what a f**ed up person he is.

i honestly think he is in utter denial that this is really so destructive. he wants it to be ok cuz he says his intentions are good. i pointed out that good intentions mean trying really hard not to hurt someone.

anyway i do think i am responsible for some ill communication ( like the b-boy reference? :LOL ) and i am not trying to say our probs are all him. i brought up this particualr prob for feedback here cuz i was having a hard time dicerning which parts of it to own. AND, if it is him being overly critical more than it is me being sensitive, then it makes me feel more justified in telling him i want him to go into therapy ( and i am open to marriage counciling as well, but i really want him to go on his own for a little while)

and i know this sounds like the most typical sap ever, but my DH is for the most part a super nice guy, and pretty calm and rational. this critical stuff pops up when we are under stress or our routines chang ( i just got a job) . its an unhealthy pattern. i am not able to tolerate it forever here, but i do recognise we all have our bad sides that need work.
stirringleaf is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 01:42 PM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,116
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What arrogance for anyone to label another *too* sensitive.

Also, stirringleaf, physical violence is only one extreme of the continuum; he does not have to be physically violent in order to be abusive, and his lack of physical violence makes his behavior no less harmful (it's just harmful in a different way).

I would suggest that you give up your pursuit to enlighten him. Think of it this way:

It's like a slave trying to reason with a slaveholder.


How long exactly do you want to be in that role?

Yes, I think he needs help. Be sure to go with the kind I mentioned in my pp.
yaM yaM is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 03:05 PM
 
stafl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: standing in a doorway
Posts: 9,123
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by stirringleaf
btw it does affect my self esteem, i have noticed that. but since i have noticed his pattern i have been feeling better because i am getting a stronger sense of when i am really to blame and when i am not.


however, i worry very much about DS growing up with the constant guilt trips
oKay, I re-read your posts and I'm going to change my opinion. It does sound a bit like emotional abuse to me as well. But I'm not there, I can't say for sure. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a domestic violence counsellor. Men don't have to hit to be controlling, manipulative and abusive. If he's smart, he can accomplish the same thing with words that others do with violence. At the very least, go check out some DV websites, read through them and see if you recognize some of those patterns in your relationship. And then go get some therapy, but like MayMay said, it has to be the right kind of therapy or it could make things worse.
stafl is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 03:37 PM
 
kavamamakava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 4,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa

When he asked what I had done all morning I would have been all too happy to give him a play by play. (I realize you were at work and couldn't get into it though). "Well first I got up and had to pee really bad. Then I made coffee and had to decide between oatmeal and some leftover pizza for breakfast. Then I put in a load of laundry. Then I took the dog out. What? Ohhh, you weren't really wanting to actually know what I did this morning. Guess you shouldn't have asked then. If you're trying to say that I was lazy for not getting the paper in I would at least appreciate you being direct about it. The paper is not at all late right now, and by the way it's great that you chose to be negative rather than helpful ." But that's just me lol.
: I do that ALL the time. And he still asks that stupid question ALL the time.
Yesterday he was at the gym after work and I was trying to get the kids dinner and the baby was fussy and I was hungry. I finally got Mei Mei to bed and the kids got their dinner and were playing quietly in their room. I sat down at the computer to eat my food and they proceeded to chop each others hair into punk rock hairdos. He came home and saw the hairdos and said "Where were YOU when they were doing this???" Of course implying that I wasn't doing anything important and was shirking my duties as a mom by beng lazy and neglectfull at the computer. I responded with "Where were YOU?? I put the baby down, took a piss, got my dinner, washed some dishes, sat at the computer, had some salad, had some dinner..."
kavamamakava is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 03:41 PM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,116
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by stafl
If he's smart, he can accomplish the same thing with words that others do with violence.


A very important point to ponder. . .
yaM yaM is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 03:45 PM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,116
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Actually,

he can accomplish it vibrationally, too, like when he tries to make you feel guilty, stupid, etc.

In fact, I've heard it referred to as 'emotional battering'.
yaM yaM is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 03:59 PM
 
kavamamakava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 4,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
http://www.letswrap.com/dvinfo/wheel.htm
Quote:
Using emotional abuse: putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty.

Using isolation: controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming: making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it.

Using children: making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay messages, using visitation to harass her, threatening to take children away
kavamamakava is offline  
Old 07-03-2005, 04:29 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't know if your husband is emotionally abusive or not...it's hard to pin down without being there. But, like others on this thread, I find your OP contains some red flags.

My ex was emotionally abusive...everybody thought he was the nicest guy. I spent the last two years of my marriage wishing that he would hit me, because I felt that would give me "permission" to leave. A serious beating that would have landed me in the hospital would have been worse than what I was going through....but being hit would have been a relief. Emotional abuse is sooooo insidious and hard to pin down.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
Old 07-05-2005, 12:58 AM
 
captain optimism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Good Ship Lollipop
Posts: 6,855
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 21 Post(s)
I can't comment on the whole "emotionally abusive" angle. But I can give you a compliment. If my dh had gotten angry with me about the jar, I wouldn't have been able to say so calmly, "you seem like you are angry with me..." I would have been all reactive and KA-BOOM! I am really impressed with the amount of work you must have done on yourself as a mom not to react to that kind of irrationality.

I think it's really hard for people in general to understand that our relationships are made up of all of these small interactions. So to say "Well, since you know I love you, it should be okay" is b.s. Basically, this is the idea behind a lot of parenting books, that how you speak to your children is going to inform how they feel. It's all about actions, not all about intentions. Speech is actually action in a relationship.

I am a lot more like your dh than I am like you. But I feel bad about it! I hate it that I blame my dh for how stressed out I feel when he does things too slowly for me. (Your example of the preschool forms has a strong parallel in my dh's tortoise-like, deliberative style in nearly everything. It's not that stuff is late--though sometimes it IS --it's that I can't deal with him staying calm and not bustling around getting things done.)

Anyway I don't have a good clue about how you can persuade your dh that this is a problem for your relationship, but it is. It's not that he should NEVER blame you or NEVER have feelings or whatever, but that he shouldn't make it your problem. In a relationship there are two, and if one is offensive or one is sensitive, it doesn't matter--both parties have to work on it. Unfortunately for him, you are way ahead of him!

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
captain optimism is online now  
Old 07-05-2005, 01:28 AM
 
meowee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 5,773
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
having been in the past with an emotionally abusive/ narcissistic partner, I have to say this also raises red flags. My question to you would be... what percentage of the time does he make you feel *really* bad? Is it just during these outbursts, how often to the outbursts happen? Or is there a more enduring, constant sense of blame and guilt coming from him? When he told you that you were being threatening and negative, that is also a red flag for me. It is pathologizing you. You seem neither threatening nor negative to me, just from the couple of your posts I've read. You sound thoughtful and concerned.

If our DH is making you feel bad about yourself much or most of the time, yes, he very well may be emotionally abusive.
meowee is offline  
Old 07-05-2005, 05:40 AM
 
Thao's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Washington state
Posts: 2,094
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Stirringleaf -- since you are getting so much input about him possibly being abusive, I wanted to give you another perspective. My dh has an explosive temper and in the past has been critical and demeaning like you describe. I remember wondering at times if it was emotional abuse. But I honestly don't think it was, because there was never any element of control. He has NEVER tried to control me. He regularly compliments me on things I do. He puts me first in his decision making. His criticalness (is that even a word??) was a product of patterns he learned from his family rather than trying to wear me down.

And I'm happy to report that after things got pretty durn bad, they are now getting much better. He is working on changing his patterns and I am learning how to not trigger him.

Only you can know if your husband is abusive or not. But definitely do look at the control issue, I'm not an expert but I do think that is the key element.
Thao is offline  
Old 07-05-2005, 12:13 PM
 
yaM yaM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Posts: 2,116
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Whoa.



You're learning how to not trigger his criticism and explosive temper???????!!!!!

I'm sorry, but I have to be blunt: that just reeks of symbols of your partner's success in controlling YOU. What you're describing is every abuser's agenda. It's what those of us who've since turned the corner of rightful accountability have come from.

I just feel so angry hearing women giving misogynistic advice to other women. I just can't sit here in silence. . . . . no way.
yaM yaM is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off