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|When he asked what I had done all morning I would have been all too happy to give him a play by play. (I realize you were at work and couldn't get into it though). "Well first I got up and had to pee really bad. Then I made coffee and had to decide between oatmeal and some leftover pizza for breakfast. Then I put in a load of laundry.|
Originally Posted by wendygrace
Eek! My dh could have written this! I am very similiar that when I am embarrased or feeling low, I look for ways to get angry at my dh. At this point, dh and I have a vicious (sp?) circle we have and its very hard to break. We don't even know who started it anymore. We started counseling a couple weeks ago to try and break our communication problems. The interesting part is that even though I'm the one that is doing the blaming, because he is the one who gets angry, he's the one with the "anger management" issues. I'll have to bring that up to the therapist.
I think you have both played a part and although in the one instance (and I'm sure others) you've tried to change your role, it is so ingrained in your habits, its hard to break out.
Originally Posted by May May
This is not about the glass jar in the bathroom, and it's not about the preschool forms.
This is about his belief system, specifically his belief that he is superior to you in some way, and therefore entitled to talk to you the way he does. It may not be conscious, but. . . who cares? (Your child's developmental process sure won't.)
This is called scapegoating.
Scapegoating is a type of emotional abuse.
I would suggest that you get in touch with a counsellor who is skilled in the area of domestic violence issues. But, just to warn you, if you find a counsellor who is not trained in this area, you may end up with far worse of a situation down the road.
I wish someone had warned me before I went down that long, long road.
Originally Posted by stirringleaf
btw it does affect my self esteem, i have noticed that. but since i have noticed his pattern i have been feeling better because i am getting a stronger sense of when i am really to blame and when i am not.
however, i worry very much about DS growing up with the constant guilt trips
Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa
When he asked what I had done all morning I would have been all too happy to give him a play by play. (I realize you were at work and couldn't get into it though). "Well first I got up and had to pee really bad. Then I made coffee and had to decide between oatmeal and some leftover pizza for breakfast. Then I put in a load of laundry. Then I took the dog out. What? Ohhh, you weren't really wanting to actually know what I did this morning. Guess you shouldn't have asked then. If you're trying to say that I was lazy for not getting the paper in I would at least appreciate you being direct about it. The paper is not at all late right now, and by the way it's great that you chose to be negative rather than helpful ." But that's just me lol.
|Using emotional abuse: putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty.
Using isolation: controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.
Minimizing, denying, and blaming: making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it.
Using children: making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay messages, using visitation to harass her, threatening to take children away
Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) , Emma (5/03) , Evan (7/05) , & Jenna (6/09)
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing Aaron Ambrose (11/07)
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