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#1 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 12:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, so here is the situation. DD is taking a nap this morning and DH is in the mood; I however have a list of housework and exhausted; am NOT in the mood. DH persists and persists until I ask him if we can negotiate - he does the dishes and laundry all day in return for sex.

I kinda felt wrong about it, but he never helps out around the house and I am on the verge of a burnout - am I wrong? does anyone else do this?
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#2 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 12:38 AM
 
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Sex begins in the kitchen so it was a fair trade IMO
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#3 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 12:38 AM
 
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Perfect!

I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Unless it makes you feel wrong.
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#4 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 12:52 AM
 
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have you asked him how he felt about it?

to me it sounds too much like a contract or something. It depends on how you actually said it though. If you said something like "hun, I would love to have sex with you but all this housework really takes up so much of my energy. I'm sure I will feel more in the mood if you help me out a little so we can have extra 'alone' time together." If you said something along these lines then I don't see a problem.
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#5 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 01:25 AM
 
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I agree with 'kakies'- and would ask him then when he's done with the work and is ready ,to give you a nice massage!
we've often not been in sync when it comes to these 'things' and a lot when i've been burnt out, I bet you totally need some more special care beyond dishes and laundry-- although that's a good start
Oh, I dont think 'negotiating' in a marriage is wrong, in fact it makes good sense. I mean, why should we carry on the idealism of romantic sex- That happens with roses and candlelight and spontaneously? sure, that's nice, even wonderful when it does happen. However, in everyday life with too many things to get done with kids and all-- sometimes you have to plan and negotiate and figure out how to keep it happening.
~L
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#6 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 03:55 AM
 
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hi there,
couples should share the duties and responsibilities specially in house hold chores
if both are working try to settle things out for who will do this and that... etc...

my parents are both working before my mom died and our father is left to take care of us but that is not the problem with them, they used to share the house hold chores such us the laundry, the dishes, the repair in some appliances, etc...

it is a matter of settlement of things...

hope i said what you mean

they said that SEX makes the relationship of husband and wife more stronger by satisfying each other, by making them feel more secure...


cheers
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#7 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 07:45 AM
 
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feel sorry for your mom sexylady..IMO, just only a fair trade
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#8 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 09:23 AM
 
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I think if you asked him if you could negotiate, and he said okay then it's okay. It doesn't sound like you said "Do the dishes and laundry and then I'll put out".

I agree that when married with kids foreplay often starts with helping each other with mundane tasks. Dh and I often clean up together and find ourselves laughing/joking and one thing leads to another after the kids are in bed... Course no one would be laughing if I was doing the chores and he was sitting reading...
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#9 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 09:55 AM
 
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I agree that if men did more in the house, or at least the equivalent outside of the house (yard, cars, etc) then women would be more inclined to have sex.

My Dh has fallen into a rut. he does NOTHING. Our grass and weeds are overgrownd and he is just being lazy. I hope today he mows it since he is off for the fourth.

What I do in the house, and I have a fulltim job, is so much more than what he does. he goes to school 9-12 m through F, and only works on the weekends (F night, Sat, and Sun). It pisses me off.

There is no way I'm going to have sex(what do I get out of it, NOTHING) and get all nasty(I hate the smell and nastiness of semen). Maybe if I felt less tired, and more appreciated, and if he was any good in bed, then I would love to have sex.

We did recently buy condems so that will help. At least I won't have to deal with the gooey grossness.

Ok, I have hyjacked yet another thread, sorry.
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#10 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 10:41 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jade2561
I kinda felt wrong about it, but he never helps out around the house and I am on the verge of a burnout - am I wrong? does anyone else do this?
I asked my husband what he thought, and he said he thought it was fine -- but that your husband also sounded like a bit of a drip if he wasn't helping out on his own.

Incidentally, I think with some husbands, it's important to be specific about what you want them to do. Asking them to "help out a little more" isn't nearly as useful as saying, "could you please do the dishes?" or "would you be willing to take responsibility for giving our child a bath three times a week?" So I don't think there was anything wrong with being specific about what he needed to do in order to make you feel less stressed out about the housework so you'd be more in the mood.

Sonja , 40, married to DH (42) since 5-29-93, DD born 11-3-2004, DS born 1-18-2007.
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#11 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 11:00 AM
 
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I thought negotiating htese things was a normal thing to do, in a long term relationship, especially once kids are involved. :LOL Our conversation usually happens becaus ehe wait suntil way too late at night, after I have already gone to bed. So of course I'm exhausted! So I ask him to get up with ds in the am, let me sleep in. Works for us because he doesn't need as much sleep plus can nap pretty much anytime, anyplace, and can do his work int he middle of the night where my schedule is only as flexible as our toddler.

So anyway I say what you did was fine But if oyu're getting so burned out, you should talk to him about that sometime that doesn't involve sex.
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#12 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 11:25 AM
 
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[QUOTE=BabyOsMommy

I agree that when married with kids foreplay often starts with helping each other with mundane tasks. Dh and I often clean up together and find ourselves laughing/joking and one thing leads to another after the kids are in bed... Course no one would be laughing if I was doing the chores and he was sitting reading...[/QUOTE]
:LOL Amazing now what does the trick , eh?! :LOL
~L
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#13 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 11:35 AM
 
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Quote:
There is no way I'm going to have sex(what do I get out of it, NOTHING) and get all nasty(I hate the smell and nastiness of semen). Maybe if I felt less tired, and more appreciated, and if he was any good in bed, then I would love to have sex.
wow that sucks! it seems like that's the problem with a lot of couples I know (the woman gets nothing out of sex and just does it for the man's pleasure)- I know the reason I feel like doin it even if I'm dog tired and it's 2 am is that it's gooooood- it's time to train these men ladies! Teach them what you like and how to make you feel good- it's a hard thing to bring up, uncomfortable and such, but man if I didn't get pleasure from sex I wouldn't be doin it- period!

but anyway to answer the op question- no, it's perfectly fine to ask him to help around the house (which he should be doing anyway IMO) as long as it's not in the context of "you do my chores and then I'll do the chore of having sex with you"

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#14 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 11:56 AM
 
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My dh works two jobs (well until the 17th) He has for most of the last 8-9years.

He is not always aware of what needs to be done around the house, so I would not call or think of him as being a dip for not realizing something needs to be done. But to be honest I ussually am the one prompting him. I will go up to him and go something like "If I put in the movie (for the kids), you help with XYZ chore, we can have sex. Wannnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa?"

Really if you were in the mood and you prompted him and he said well I have XYZ in the yard you would most likely feel bummed/rejected because he choose that work over you. So negoation can get the work done and be respectful for each needs.

These jobs around the house are both adults responciblity. Some times you just have to shift who does them to get every thing taken care of
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#15 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 03:27 PM
 
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I would trade sex for housework if I could! Maybe I'll ask DH if he would do that.
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#16 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 08:21 PM
 
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Being tired is never a good aphrodesiac. Perhaps some of the housework can be done with a little hired help and the kids can have a sitter so you both can go out and enjoy yourselves instead of the daily grind of everyday responsibilities. The appeal definately comes back with rest and relaxation. Not to mention a little extra consideration; something called romance.....

Romance adds a lot to a withering libido in a marriage.
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#17 of 29 Old 07-04-2005, 11:39 PM
 
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Peepsqueek: Oh yes, definately-- romance has it's place and sure is great.. but we're talkin' everday needs, right Jade-????
~L
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#18 of 29 Old 07-05-2005, 04:59 PM
 
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I've got no problem with it. If you had to do all of those chores, would you have felt like sex? Would you have been too tired? Too annoyed that you did all that stuff on your own? If your answers are yes, then by telling him what you needed to get to the point where you wanted to and had time for sex you did the right thing.

We've played "let's make a deal" many times. It works well and we all get what we want
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#19 of 29 Old 07-05-2005, 05:05 PM
 
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No. I would not feel good about that. Feels "wrong" to me.
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#20 of 29 Old 07-05-2005, 05:07 PM
 
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Philomom: Just curious, would you care to share your thoughts or feelings as to why it might feel 'wrong' ?
~L
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#21 of 29 Old 07-05-2005, 05:10 PM
 
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:

Dang! Just think of all I've missed giving it away for free all this time! :LOL

I once read that the amount of sex a couple has is and the amount of housework the man does is a direct relationship for most heterosexual couples. Maybe we should make up some billboards or something.
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#22 of 29 Old 07-05-2005, 05:37 PM
 
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I see nothing wrong with it at all. I have been doing that since before we were married. My DH has ADD and well he doesn’t see a "mess" I swear to god. He can step right over them and all, still won't clean it up. I must say though he is much better about it now than he ever was before. Both of us have specific task around the house, though we trade task etc. Hehehe, these days not much trading going on for sex though, as we are both even steady on getting chores done and mostly just trade our chores for another. I feel if both are okay with it, its okay.

Finding a way to make sex enjoyable for the women is something everybody should look into. I didn't like sex much for a few years and got nothing out of it at all for those years until recently. For me lights had to be off, it had to be after watching a movie (no a porno), and it had to be before 11 PM. Yes very picky, but we followed those rules for a few months since DH was at whits ends with me. I am a lot more flexible now (I don’t need those weird rules) and we are both enjoying it for once. Be very specific on what you like and don’t, and have him stop if you don’t like it! The guy better be okay with stopping at ANYTIME, no whines etc. I think it does bring you closer to your DH, so from my own experience it does offer you something great, however you need to find out what about it is bothering you and make the adjustments. I do not like the stuff that guys make, it nauseates me too.

I think its true though, that women loose interest in sex when they feel like they aren’t being treated fairly etc or being taken advantage of. I know I felt that way a lot and I just didn’t feel like having sex when inside I didn’t feel like I was appreciated at all.

Sarah :c) ~ love.gif Emily (8) orngbiggrin.gif  Toby (5) angel2.gif Bean (7/2012)

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#23 of 29 Old 07-06-2005, 12:48 AM
 
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If you are both okay with negotiating, then it seems fine. Where's the harm? If there are ongoing problems or issues (such as his not doing his fair share of chores or a real mismatch in your libidos or you not enjoying sex ever) then those issues should probably also be addressed for the overall health of your relationship.
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#24 of 29 Old 07-06-2005, 02:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel much better now!
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#25 of 29 Old 07-06-2005, 03:57 AM
 
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i traded sex for housework yesterday. I won twice!
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#26 of 29 Old 07-06-2005, 04:15 AM
 
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I wouldn't trade anything for sex. It's just not me. I can't hold things over his head like that. To me they are two separate issues. If I need help around the house I ask for it, if he wants sex he asks for it. It goes both ways. I'm not always in the mood, and he's the same way. I guess it's never an issue either way. Something about making deals takes away from the fun of sex to me. Not that I think there's anything wrong with it, just not me or us.
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#27 of 29 Old 07-06-2005, 09:44 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rowantree
i traded sex for housework yesterday. I won twice!
:LOL
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#28 of 29 Old 07-06-2005, 10:55 AM
 
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For us it's less a matter of actually 'trading' as just practical. We both enjoy sex and want to be with each other that way. But if one of us is too stressed, tired, burned out, doesn't have time, etc..., then that needs to be worked around. When he comes onto me and I ask for something in return(sleeping in, trash out, whatever it may be) it's not because sex is a bug chore and I want something in return. Exactly the opposite! It's because I really *want* to have sex with my husband, but sometimes something has to give in order to make that possible.

I just had to come back to make clear that it's not like he has to *earn* it or anything :LOL Just help me be able to have everything I need and want(sex with him, AND a decent nights sleep/trash out on time/clean clothes/etc...)
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#29 of 29 Old 07-06-2005, 11:09 AM
 
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SaraNH> Yes, That's a great way to put it!
~L
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